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 Danny John-Jules QuotationMovie Title: Two Smoking Barrels (1998) as Barfly Jack: Tom : Rory Breaker? Barfly Jack : Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated, you've got to look past the distinct facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron rusted, so he has gone to the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he has turned the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the guy. 'That's fucking what' says Rory. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to watch his game. His team won too. Four-nil. Movie Title: Red Dwarf (1988) as Duane Dibbley / Cat: Kryten : I suggest we go from blue alert to red alert, sir. Cat : Forget the red. Let's go all the way up to brown alert. Kryten : But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir. Cat : You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you. [Looking out a prison window, after being captured by Hitler] Lister : Hang on, hang on, something's happening. Some kind of parade, or drill, but... Cat : But what? Lister : Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looking like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon... smeg, its like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. My God, there's James Last. I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection. Cat : What are they doing? Lister : They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh. Cat : What? Lister : Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold. Cat : They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake? [gunfire from outside] Lister : [looking shell-shocked] That's something no one should ever have to see. [An alien device just turned Lister into a chicken, then a hamster] Cat : What was it like, being a hamster? Lister : Well, it was better than being a chicken. I mean, you've seen the size of an egg. You've seen the size of a chicken's bum. I was trying to say, in chicken-talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural." [the Cat is checking himself out in the mirror] Cat : You know, I wish I was someone else. Then I could kiss me. Cat : That's it. We're deader than corduroy. Cat : There's an old cat proverb that goes, "It's better to live one hour as a tiger than an entire lifetime as a worm." Rimmer : There's an old human proverb: "Whoever heard of a worm-skin rug?" Lister : We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone? Cat : Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone. It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand. Cat : I'm so gorgeous, that there's a six-month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear whenever I am near. Rimmer : Look, sooner or later, we're gonna have to face the fact that we're not all gonna get out of this in one piece. Or if we are, it's gonna be one big flat piece. Lister : And? Rimmer : It's time we decided who's gonna take the one-man escape pod. Cat : How? Rimmer : Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me! It didn't come out of me again! Lister : Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option. Rimmer : Why not? Lister : It escaped last Thursday. [Rimmer's father has died. Cat attempts to console him] Cat : About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure, it's bad news for him. But on the other hand, it's party time for all those little worms. Rimmer : If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people. Lister : OK. We've passed the test now, Rimmer. You can let us out. Rimmer : I can't let you out. Lister : Why not? Rimmer : Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for ten years. Cat : Can we see him? Rimmer : See who? Cat : The king. Rimmer : Do you have a magic carpet? Lister : Yeah. A little three-seater. Lister : This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? Cat : You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation. Lister : She'll never leave Fred and we know it. Kryten : [about Rimmer] Would you describe the accused as a friend? Cat : Take the Fifth. [all the Indian food supplies being destroyed] Lister : Did you hear the news? Cat , Rimmer : We heard. Rimmer : And as a mark of respect we would like to have the minute's flatulence. Lister : Just do the smegging dance and we'll be out of here in a jiffy. Cat : Dance? With her, I'd have trouble walking. I'm powering up. Cat : I've seen mirrors, I have eyes. Let's face it, buddy. I have a body that makes men wet. Cat : [to Rimmer] I have got hair like yours, just not on my head. Rimmer : You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut. Lister : [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech] I'm going back to bed. Rimmer : Would it harm you to have hair like mine? Cat : I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head. Rimmer : Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut. Kryten : Oh, surely not, sir! Rimmer : Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw. Kryten : Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist! [Looking out a prison window] Cat : What are those guys doing out there? Lister : They're building something. Cat : What? Lister : Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a sculpture, you know, modern art job, like the kind you get in shopping malls. Cat : What's it made of? Lister : Wood... its sort of an inverted "L" shape in wood. Cat : Does it have a kind of... rope motif? Lister : There is a sort of noosey theme to it, yeah. Cat : Nice movie collection. "Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster." "Die Screaming with Sharp Things in your Head." Kryten : Gore movies. Weapons magazines. This place is a shrine to everything that's low and base. Everything that's designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit. Urg. Toastie Toppers. Ugh. Cinema hot dogs. Ogh. Sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out. Ogh. Cat : Look at this music. "Hammond Heaven." "Karaoke Krazy." "Peter Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies." Let's get outta here. Kryten : Sir, we were so worried. What happened? Rimmer : We were ambushed by a platoon of Lows. I was leading a valiant rearguard action. Cat : I found him shivering in a box. Rimmer : It was tactical maneuver to outfox the enemy. Cat : As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine. Cat : See what you did to my blouson? Look at it. Plus, you almost killed me three times. Cat : Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell. Cat : [On seeing the T-Rex] There's an old cat saying which has particular relevance here. It goes something like this: 'We are all gonna die." Cat : Why don't we drop the defensive shields. Kryten : A superlative suggestion, sir. With just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields. And two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought that it was such a big one that it was worth mentioning twice. Cat : Good point, well made. Cat : Why don't we just break out the lasers? Kryten : An excellent plan, sir, with only two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a powersource for the lasers; and two, we don't have any lasers. Cat : Yeah, I'm so excited, all of my six nipples are tingling. Cat : You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? 'Hey man. You threw the stick, you go and get it yourself, I'm busy. If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?' Holly 1 : I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway. Lister : What are you trying to say Hol? Holly 1 : What I'm saying Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John. Cat : Why's that? Holly 1 : Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John. Kryten : They've taken Mr. Rimmer. Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer. Cat : Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back. [Everyone is drunk] Lister : What are you saying, Rimmer? Rimmer : I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister. Lister : Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here. Rimmer : How many toes have you got? Lister : Ten. Cat : Yeah, on both feet. Lister : Altogether. Kryten : They're not webbed or anything are they? Lister : Look, they weren't related alright. [Kryten falls off his chair] Caligula : [Stopping Rasputin giving Lister the paddle] Do you think I'm insane? Cat : Shall we take a quick vote? Cat : Who is this guy? Lister : Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother and his sister and ended up eating their son. Cat : Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza. Kryten : I remember Mr Rimmer screaming. I have an image of his face. Twisted with fear, pain, anguish, dread. Absolutely mortified. Cat : Did someone suggest that he pick up the tab for lunch? Cat : I say lets get into the jet-powered rocket pants and Junior Birdman the hell out of here. Kryten : An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks. A, We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants. And B, There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial 'Robbie Rocket Pants'. Cat : Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan. [Rimmer's in deep trouble] Cat : You know, there's an old cat saying. But you don't wanna hear it right now. Lister : Holly, we need your advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation? Holly 1 : What do you want? The long or the short version? Lister : Long. Holly 1 : You're finished. [pause] Cat : What's the short version? Holly 1 : Bye. Cat : [Looks through "Futurescope"] Man, this is tragic. This is the saddest thing I've seen in my life. [Takes eyes off the 'scope] Cat : What happened to my butt? Buddy, you can park a plane in that crease. Lister : So what? You're bald and you're fat. That's what happens when you get older. Look at me; just a brain in a jar. Cat : Self, self, self, self self. Cat : Hi, buddy. Inquisitor : This is your judgment day, bud. I gotta be cruel. There can't be no favours. Cat : I'm hearing you on FM. Inquisitor : I have to ask you the question. Justify your existence; what contribution have you made? Cat : I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass. Inquisitor : Well, that's true. Cat : Can I go now? Inquisitor : That's your case? Cat : You need more? Inquisitor : Some might say that was a pretty shallow argument. Cat : Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy; a shallow guy with a great ass. Inquisitor : Sometimes you astonish even me. Cat : Thank you. Lister : I don't know why I'm going through with this. It's just not possible. Rimmer : Why isn't it possible, Listy? Male baboons have been giving birth. They were doing it as far back as the 20th century. Caesarian, naturally. (Imitates a baby been born through caesarian) Still, Listy. You'll be in good hands. The Skutters will look after you. Lister : Skutters? I wouldn't let them open a can of beans. Cat : You're thinking negative. Think of all the glorious and wonderful possibilities about having children. Lister : Like? Cat : Like when they grow up and leave home. Rimmer : What colour is it supposed to turn? Lister : Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's gonna turn. Rimmer : And red for pregnant? Lister : Yeah. Rimmer : Come on, you reds. Lister : We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet, or we're dead. Rimmer : Keep him quiet? He's rampaging around the food decks making more noise than two yodeling champions on honeymoon. Everyone on the ship would've heard him by now. Kryten : Sir, the crew are frozen; operating on a different time stream. Now if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no one would be any the wiser. Cat : He's right. I just listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening. Rimmer : You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of danger, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed. Cat : You just listed all my best features. Cat : Hey. I wanna settle down. And as soon as I find the right small group of girls; the 7 or 8 women that are right for me, my wandering days are over, buddy. Cat : [to Kryten] How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep. Holly 1 : We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. That's right. I am Queeg. Lister , Cat , Rimmer : What? Holly 1 : Queeg never existed. It was me all along. Lister , Cat , Rimmer : WHAT? Holly 1 : A weasel-a-week, mate. Cat : It was a joke? Holly 1 : Going round in circles for 14 months. Getting my information from the Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space. The respect you have for me is awesome, innit? Lister : So you mean you staged the whole thing? Holly 1 : [In Queeg's voice] That's right, suckers. [In his voice] Holly 1 : And the moral of the story is, "appreciate what you've got", because basically I'm fantastic. Lister : Hang on. You can't do this. Holly's got an I.Q. of 6000. Holly 1 : Yeah. Right on. Queeg : Is that what he told you? Lister : Well what is it, then? Queeg : It has a six in it, but it's not 6000. Cat : What is it? Queeg : Six. Holly 1 : Six? Do me a lemon. That's a poor I.Q. for a glass of water. Rimmer : Cassandra, I have a question. Cassandra : I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation. Rimmer : So what's the answer? Cassandra : He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth. Lister : What was the question? Rimmer : I just asked how you died. Lister : You what? I didn't wanna know that. Who's bra? Cat : 181? Probably your own. Lister : Come on, though. Taking a bra off with my teeth aged 181. That's a hell of a sexy way to go. Kryten : So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir. Holly 1 : What's happening, dudes? Lister : Bog all. Holly 1 : Wait a minute. I've forgotten what I was gonna say. Rimmer : Well, it can't have been that important then, can it? [the ship is hit by a meteor, forcing the crew onto the floor] Holly 1 : Yeah. That's it. 'Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship'. I knew it'd come back to me. Cat : Thanks for the warning. Cat : [about Rimmer and Kryten] We ain't gonna find them. They're gone, buddy. Look on the bright side. [Happily] Cat : They're gone, buddy. Cat : Hey, man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat. Lister : Rimmer's Dad's died. Cat : Well, I'd prefer chicken. Cat : What is this place? Lister : This is the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that creates Rimmer. Cat : Have we come to blow this room up? Cat : [Talking through a megaphone] Hello, hello. Testing, testing. One, one, one. Me, me, me. Attention, all lady cats. I am feeling very, very sexy. Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available. Please form a queue. No squabbling. This is your lucky day. Cat : I'm smooth with a capital 'smoo'. Lister : I am your God. Cat : Ok. [Points at his bowl of Crispies] Cat : Turn this into a woman. Lister : I'm Serious. Cat : So am I. Cat : There's an old cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones." Rimmer : There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain." Kryten : Mum. I never had a mum. Cat : It's alright, buddy. It's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage. Now you're going through the melancholy stage. Kryten : I wish I had a mum. Holly 2 : I never had a mum, neither. Rimmer : Well you can all have mine. Everyone else did. Rimmer : I don't know what it is about me. All my life, it's been the same old story. It's not easy you know to come in every night, look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes. Cat : How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day. Cat : What the hell is all this down my chair? Peanuts? Lister : No, I've been trimming my veruccas. Cat : You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush. Lister : You really think I'm that psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK? Cat : Real peanuts? Lister : Yeah. Cat : [Eats the peanuts] Where'd you get them? Lister : I got them a couple of months back. I found them in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket. [Cat feels sick] Lister : Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that Mint Imperial, didn't you? Cat : [Nods] Where did you get that? Lister : He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack. Rimmer : Have we got any chance of us winning? Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded, sir. We have no chance whatsoever. Rimmer : Then I say fight! Kryten: Mr Rimmer? Rimmer : Better dead than smeg! Lister : Yes! Cat? Cat : Better anything than sofa-sized butt! Lister : Kryten? Kryten: Better anything than that toupee! Lister : Why is it we never meet anyone nice? Cat : Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight? Cat : [In Starbug, escaping from a destroyed ship] All in all a hundred per cent succesful trip. Kryten : But, Sir. We lost Mister Rimmer. Cat : All in all a hundred per cent succesful trip. Cat : [faced with the ship being destroyed] We're deader than tank tops! Ace Rimmer : You ready, chum? Duane Dibbley : Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart and... one triple thick condom. You never know. Cat : [to a Rogue Simulant] There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles! Cat : "Cat do this!" "Cat do that!" What am I? A dog? Duane Dibbley : So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship? Movie Title: Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998) as Cat: 20th Century Television Chef : I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Ok boys lets see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight. Arnold Judas Rimmer : Well we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil. Dave Lister : We got some wine made from urine recyc. Arnold Judas Rimmer : Ah! The 52 an excellent year, very smooth. No after taste or hairloss. Dave Lister : But I don't suppose that'd bother you would it? [Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald] Kryten 2X4B 523P : Also we have a Mimian Bladder Fish, Sir. Cat : I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut! Dave Lister : We've got an insole... Kryten 2X4B 523P : Er... a Pot Noodle. Dave Lister : Caroline Carmen's Ear. 20th Century Television Chef : That is totally unhygenic! Dave Lister : No, No, its been kept in the fridge! 20th Century Television Chef : [Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever it is, mimian trout and yeah your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking! |
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