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 Moe Howard Quotation"You knuckleheads!" To complaints about the Stooges violent comedy: "We're not nearly as violent as the westerns." Movie Title: A Plumbing We Will Go (1940) as Moe: Curly : Say why don't you call your stops? Moe : This is far enough I guess. Larry : Where are we? Curly : What do you care as long as we're not in jail. Movie Title: Three Little Beers (1935) as Moe: Desk Relief Clerk : Pardon me gentlemen. Moe : You mean us? Desk Relief Clerk : Yes, are you mebers of the press? Moe : Why uh... Curly : I used to be! But I didn't do any pressing. I went through the pockets, sort of a "dry cleaning"! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Movie Title: Men in Black (1934) as Dr. Moe Howard: Hiccupping Nurse : Oh, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard! Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Dr. Moe Howard : Yes, that's true. Hiccupping Nurse : Well, then, why don't the patients eat an apple a day and save hospital expenses? Dr. Curly Howard : Pardon me if I laugh. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! That's a pippin! Hiccupping Nurse : Oh, I know what a pippin is. Dr. Larry Fine : You do, eh? What's a pippin? Hiccupping Nurse : Uh, a pippin is an apple with a skin on the outside. Dr. Moe Howard : Did you ever see an apple with a skin on the inside? Hiccupping Nurse : Oh, sure I did. Dr. Larry Fine : You did? Hiccupping Nurse : Uh-huh. Dr. Larry Fine : Where? Hiccupping Nurse : In homemade apple pie. Dr. Moe Howard : How is she, doctor? Doctor with 'Tiny Patient' : A slight hope. Dr. Curly Howard : That's too bad. What's the matter? Doctor with 'Tiny Patient' : She's in a coma. Tiny Patient : [sitting up] I am not! I'm in a bed! Tiny Patient : Say, doctor, do you really think I'm gonna get better? Dr. Moe Howard : I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid you are. Tiny Patient : Oh, thanks, doctor. You don't know how I really appreciate it. [After being asked where they found their respective patients] Dr. Larry Fine : Under the bed! Dr. Moe Howard : Up on the chandelier! Dr. Graves : What did you do for him? Dr. Curly Howard : Nothing! What'd he ever do for us? Movie Title: Muscle Up a Little Closer (1957) as Moe: Moe : This is a man's job. Larry : Where will we find one? Movie Title: Gents Without Cents (1944) as Moe: [After Curly says Niagara Falls] Moe : Niagara Falls! Slowly I turn... step by step... inch by inch... Movie Title: A Bird in the Head (1946) as Moe: Moe : Say, are you scared? Curly : No. Its silly to be scared. Larry : It sure is! Curly : Boy, am I silly... Moe : A bird in the head is worth two in a bush. Movie Title: Dizzy Detectives (1943) as Moe: Moe : Where's your gun? Curly : Gun? Oh! The landlady's baby was cryin', so I gave it to the baby to play with. Moe : [whispering] It's that crook and he's wearin' a fur coat! Come on! [The Stooges come up and Moe gets the gorilla's attention by kicking him in the butt. The Stooges all point their guns at the gorilla] Moe : Stick 'em up, Ape Man! We gotcha covered! [The gorilla destroys the Stooges' guns] Moe : Hey, fellas! Look! No human is strong enough to bend a gun barrel like that! Curly : It's real! A real chimmanypanzee! Larry : That's no chimp, ya chump! That's a gorilla! Moe : Next time you handle a gun, shoot yourself in the head. Curly : I'll make a note of it. How do you spell head? Moe : B-O-N-E. head! [he whacks him in the head with a gun and the gun bends] Curly : That ox can't call me a monkey! Moe : Shut up you baboon! [Curly sticks his tongue at Moe while Moe puts a clothespin on his tongue] Movie Title: Sock-a-Bye Baby (1942) as Moe: Larry : Hey, what do kids eat? Moe : What do kids eat? That's easy. Soft stuff; no bones, no potato chips. What did you eat when you were a baby? Curly : Weeds. Curly : Gee, I wonder what I looked like when I was a baby and the stork delivered me. Moe : When you were a baby, the buzzard brought you! Curly : Oh, special delivery, eh? Movie Title: Punch Drunks (1934) as Moe: Girl : Could you help me? I'm in a terrible dilemma. Moe : Yeah, I don't care much for these foreign cars myself. Girl : No, I mean I'm stuck . . . Moe : On me? Aw, that's what all the girls say. Girl : No, silly. Stuck in the mud. Moe : Uh, yeah. [KO Stradivarius tries to leave the boxing ring but gets caught in the ropes] KO Stradivarius: Time out! Time out! Moe : I suppose you'll want the afternoon off. Curley : What'll ya have? Moe : I'll have four pieces of burnt toast and a rotten egg. Curley : Why do you want that? Moe : I gotta tape worm and it's good enough for him. Movie Title: Tricky Dicks (1953) as Sgt. Moe: Larry : You know my sister was engaged with a wooden-legged guy. Sgt. Moe : Yeah? Larry : She broke it off. Sgt. Moe : The engagement? Larry : No, the leg. [Repeated line] Sgt. Moe : I have to do everything around here! Sgt. Moe : Quiet, everyone! Genius at work! Movie Title: No Census, No Feeling (1940) as Moe: Moe : Are you married or happy? Moe : Now, calm yourself. We're census takers, madam. How old are you? Larry : What address is this? Lady having bridge party : One hundred and two. Moe : You don't look a day over eighty. Lady having bridge party : Young man, I'm twenty-nine. Moe : Oh, yeah?! Lady having bridge party : Well, how do I look? Moe : Oh, you look like a million. Larry : Ah, she can't be that old. (Larry and Moe open her mouth and check her teeth.) Forty-three. Moe : Fifty. Larry : Forty-three! Moe : Fifty! Larry : Forty-three! Moe : Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, (mouth begins to move much faster) fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty... Curly: Sooold American! Movie Title: Disorder in the Court (1936) as Moe / Judge: [Judge is about to ask Curly if he swears to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth] Judge : Do you swear... Curly : No, but I know all the woids. [Curly is taking the oath] Court Clerk: Take off your hat. [Curly takes off his hat with his right hand] Court Clerk: Raise your right hand. [With his right hand, Curly puts his hat back on, and raises the hand] Court Clerk: [gesturing to the book he is holding] Put your left hand here. Judge : [to Curly] Take off you hat. [Curly does so with his right hand] Court Clerk: [to Curly] Raise your right hand. [Curly puts his hat back on to raise the hand] Court Clerk: [gesturing to the book he is holding] Now, put your left hand here. Judge : [to Curly] Please, take off your hat. [Curly does so with his right hand] Court Clerk: [to Curly] Raise your right hand. [Curly repeats the process] Court Clerk: [gesturing to the book he is holding] Now, put your left hand here. Judge : [to Curly] Will you please take off your hat? [Curly does so with his right hand] Court Clerk: [angrily, to Curly] Raise your RIGHT HAND. [Curly repeats the process] Court Clerk: [gesturing to the book he is holding] Now, put your left hand here. Judge : [to Curly] Take off your hat. [Curly takes off the hat and places it on his cane, which is in his right hand] Court Clerk: [to Curly] Raise your right hand. [Curly raises his cane with the hat on it] Court Clerk: [taking the hat off the cane] Get rid of that hat. [Curly takes the hat and puts it on the court clerk's head] Curly : [with both hands on the book] Raise YOUR right hand. [the court clerk does so, startles, takes the hat off, and places it under the book] Court Clerk: Raise your right hand. [Curly does so] Judge : Allow the witness to proceed. The court understands him. Curly : Nice, courty, your a pal. Moe : What comes after 75? Larry : 76. Moe : That's the spirit. Moe : What comes after seventy-five? Larry : Seventy-six. Moe : That's the spirit. Curly : I'm no mule. Moe : No, your ears are too short. Judge : He's asking you if you'll swear to tell the truth. Curly : Truth is stranger than fiction, Judgie-Wudgie. Moe : You're in court, not the woods, Tarzan. District Attorney: I'll SU-U-UE for this. Moe : Ah, sue-perstitious eh? Court clerk: I'll SUE you for this. Moe : Oh, sue-perstitious eh? Judge : Please control your killing instincts. Movie Title: Idiots Deluxe (1945) as Moe: Moe : If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whip cream! And we haven't got any. Judge: Were you ever indicted? Moe : Not since I was a baby, your honor. Movie Title: Three Little Twirps (1943) as Moe: Curly : Gee, I haven't been to the circus since I got out of the fourth grade! Moe : Yeah, and that was last year. Movie Title: Cash and Carry (1937) as Moe: Moe : There's enough gold here to get little Jimmy an operation! Curly : There's enough gold here to get ALL of us an operation! [the Stooges all look at a map marked "Walla Walla"] Moe : Walla Walla with an "X." Curly : I know! "X" marks the spot where the treasure is buried! It's in the Walla. Moe : But there's two Wallas. Curly : Certainly! There's a Walla, and there's a Walla over there. Larry : Which one's it buried in? Moe : It makes no difference, we'll each take a Walla. Movie Title: Wee Wee Monsieur (1938) as Moe: Moe : The landlord's threatened to throw us out. Curly : What's he squawking about, we only owe for eight months. Moe : "Oh boy! I'll take the blonde!" Larry : "I'll take the brunette!" Curly : "I'll take the black and tan!" [After Moe conks Curly in the head with a chisel, and then apologizes] Curly : Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui. Moe : Oui what? Curly : "Oui" ("We") should be more careful about what we do around here...Chisler! [Moe conks him again] Movie Title: Whoops, I'm an Indian! (1936) as Moe: [While posing as indians] Moe : How. Larry : How. Curly : And how! Movie Title: Half-Wits Holiday (1947) as Moe: Moe : We are members of the Morons' Union, local 6 and 7/8! Prof. Quackenbush : How would you like to earn $1000 dollars? Moe : Who do we have to murder? Prof. Quackenbush : It's nothing like that. All you need to do is let me make gentlemen out of you. Curly : Oh please no! There hasn't been a gentleman in our family for 50 generations! Moe : Quit bragging. Movie Title: Blunder Boys (1955) as Moe: Moe : I'm Halliday. Larry : I'm Terriday. Shemp : I'm St. Patricks Day! Movie Title: Booby Dupes (1945) as Moe: Moe : We'll have to bail out!(the stooges boat has a hole in it) Larry : I ain't got a parachute! Movie Title: The Hot Scots (1948) as Moe: Moe : All right, take it easy son, I'd just like to ask you a question, what would you rather have? A shoe full of dollar bills, or two socks of five? Moe : You got em! Movie Title: Hoi Polloi (1935) as Moe: Moe : Gentlemen, this is the punishment we get for being among the hoi polloi. Movie Title: No Dough Boys (1944) as Moe: Moe : They are very well bred. Curly : I take mine toasted! Movie Title: Three Hams on Rye (1950) as Moe: Moe : Remind me to kill you later. Shemp : I'll make a note of it! Movie Title: I'm a Monkey's Uncle (1948) as Moe: Larry : Wake up and go to sleep! Moe : Why you pussy-willow brain, you ruined a beautiful romance for me! Movie Title: Hold That Lion (1947) as Moe: Larry : I smell somethin' awful. Moe : You telling me? Why don'tcha use cologne? Moe : Say, what's another word for "scrutiny"? Shemp : Scrutiny. Movie Title: Dunked in the Deep (1949) as Moe: Larry : Pre-war? Moe : Next war! Movie Title: You Nazty Spy! (1940) as Moe: Moe : Moronica must expand! We shall lend our neighbors a helping hand, we shall lend them two helping hands... and help ourselves to our neighbors! Moe : We must throw of the yoke of monarchy, and make our country safe for hypocrisy! Moe : [Holding a book.] I'll keep this. Curly Gallstone, Field Marshal : Oh, a bookkeeper. Moe : Go burn the books. Larry : Why burn the books? Moe : There are too many bookmakers. The bookies are overrunning the country. Those are my orders. Moe : Ring for my sectery. Larry : You mean secretary? Moe : I said sectery! Larry : Secretary. Moe : Which is correct? Curly Gallstone, Field Marshal : Stenographer. I'll ring for her. Moe : What do you mean by reading a book? Suppose you learn something. Loyal Moronikans shouldn't read. Take your troops out and have them burn every book in Moronika. Guard: I caught this man walking down the street with a chicken Curly Gallstone, Field Marshal : Blonde or brunette? Moe : [to Curly] Quiet. [to Man] Moe : Where'd you get the chicken? Man: From an egg. Larry : Where'd you get the egg? Man: From a chicken. Curly Gallstone, Field Marshal : Ah, a vicious cycle. We must kill it. Remind me to kill a cycle. Mr. Ixnay : We've come here to offer you the greatest opportunity of your life. Moe : You mean you'll let us paper the living room? Mr. Ixnay : No, no, no. You're through with papering. My partners and I are going to make you Dictator of Moronica. Moe : Dictator? What does a Dictator do? Mr. Ixnay : A Dictator? Why, he makes love to beautiful women, drinks champagne, enjoys life and never works. He makes speeches to the people promising them plenty, gives them nothing and takes everything. *That's* a Dictator. Curly Gallstone, Field Marshal : Hmph, a parasite. That's for me. Moe : You mean you'll let us paper the living room? Moe : Dictator? What does a Dictator do? Mr. Ixnay : "A Dictator? Why, he makes love to beautiful women, drinks champagne, enjoys life and never works. He makes speeches to the people promising them plenty, gives them nothing and takes everything. *That's* a Dictator. Movie Title: Three Sappy People (1939) as Moe: [to Curly] Moe : Why don't you get a toupee with some brains in it! Moe : Remind me to tear out your Adam's apple! Curly : I'll make a note of it. [pulls out a pad of paper and a pencil] Movie Title: Movie Maniacs (1936) as Moe: Curly : How are we gonna get in pictures? We don't know nothin' about makin' movies! Moe : There's a couple of thousand people in pictures now who know nothing about it. Three more won't make any difference. Movie Title: Studio Stoops (1950) as Moe: Larry : Gee, that Shemp was a swell guy. Moe : I'll never forgive myself for pushing him around. Moe : Keep a stiff upper plate, kid! |
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