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 Adrian Edmondson QuotationMovie Title: Bottom Live 3: Hooligan's Island (1997) as Eddie: Richie : Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare. Eddie : They disappeared. Richie : Yeah, cos you threw them in to the f****n audience. Eddie : Hey, they reappeared. Richie : Yeah, they f****n threw them back. Richie : We were not so much a two hour diversion than a thirteen hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful. Eddie : Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'. Richie : [astonished] We weren't that bad, [Pause] Richie : Norman. Richie : Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb. Eddie : Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb? Richie : You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? You're trying to send me round the twist. You're trying to make me lose the plot. Eddie : Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? Richie : I see your point. Eddie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point! Richie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point! Eddie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point! Richie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down? Eddie : Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of nob gag Bermuda Triangle! Richie : Quick! Change routine! Change routine! Eddie : Oh look! Knackers! Eddie : All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still. Richie : How long for? Eddie : Until the end of time. Richie : Righto. Eddie : I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's alright with you. Richie : I work my fingers to the bone trying to pep up your diet, and insert a little jazz into your food! Eddie : I beg your pardon! Richie : There you go again! Eddie : No, I just didn't hear what you said. Richie : Not true! Not true at all! You're accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast! Eddie : How did you actually catch this fish? Richie : I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water. Eddie : So it was dead already? Richie : Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary green bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills. Eddie : Was this in Bluffman's Cove? Richie : Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine. Richie : So when you ask me, [impersonating Eddie] Richie : "Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual. Eddie : What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on? Richie : Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident. Eddie : Really, how does she feel? Richie : She can't! She hasn't got any hands left! [pause] Richie : Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, modern comedians do that joke. Eddie : Yeah, why's that? Richie : 'Cos it's shit! Eddie : Well, how d'you know they're cannibals? Richie : Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot. Eddie : No, he's just having a bath, isn't he? Richie : What, with an onion up his bum? Eddie : He could be French. Richie : Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing...like a script! Eddie : Well, we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it. Richie : Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Eddie : Angus Deayton. Richie : Angus Deayton, why? Eddie : Because he's got autocue. Richie : Oh yeah, lucky bastard. Eddie : Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you? Richie : [Over-dramatic] Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis! Eddie : Ohhhhhh, fuck. Richie : Hey Eddie, fancy a cocktail before bed? How 'bout a Bloody Mavis? Eddie : Now, that's the one that's made from gin, blood, and porcupine shit? Without the gin? Richie : Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie? Eddie : Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know! Richie : Really, Eddie? Which part? Eddie : My arsehole. Richie : What sort of bloke? Eddie : Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman. [Loud groan from the audience] Richie : A what? Eddie : I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman. [to audience] Eddie : Fuck off, you paid. [At the start of act 2:] Richie : God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored. [There is a cry from the back of the audience: "Have a wank!"] Eddie : We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker! Richie : I think my theory holds water. Eddie : And what theory is that? Richie : That our diet has got something to do with what we eat. Eddie : Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half. Richie : HE was a volunteer. Eddie : No, no, HE was trying to stop the show. Richie : Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half! Eddie : Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together. Richie : Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache. Eddie : No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours! Eddie : Oh, I'm gold, man, solid gold. Richie : Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to fuck! [Cardboard Shark Fins are dragged along the front of the stage] Richie : Oh Eddie! It's obvious that there is no escape for us that way. We can't go into those murky waters with the creatures of the deep. We'd trip over that bit of wire. Eddie : Or we'd get a rather nasty paper cut. [Rik Mayall has forgotten his lines] Richie : Oh Eddie! Oh Eddie! Oh Eddie! Eddie : Usually when he says "Oh Eddie" it's because he has forgotten his lines. Richie : Oh Eddie. Eddie : Yes I'm waiting. Richie : You bastard! [A prop Albertross has broken down at the side of the stage] Richie : Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, see it circle... Eddie : Watch it swoop, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the prop man sacked! [A bird's droppings have landed on Eddie's Head] Richie : That was lucky! Eddie : Lucky you weren't standing here? Every fucking night of the tour. [Audience are laughing as Eddie towels his head.] Eddie : Yeah you laugh. You'll tell all your friends tomorrow that you went to see a show where some bloke got his head shit on by a bird and you all fucking laughed so hard! Welcome to fucking civilized Bristol! Eddie : I hate this island so much I would rather be in Liverpool! Richie : ...yeah... [Someone from the audience moans at Eddie] Eddie : The scouts are in tonight. Fuck off and steal something! Eddie : I hate this island so much I would rather be in Liverpool! Richie : Yes... [A member of the audience moans something to Eddie] Eddie : A scouser's in tonight. Fuck off and steal something. Eddie : Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross shit. [picks up a knife] Eddie : Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp... [slits his own tongue] Eddie : Ooh fuckin' hell! Movie Title: Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour (1995) as Eddie: [Eddie with his pistol walks up to the parrot in its cage] Eddie : I know what you're thinking. Back in Act 2 Scene 1 how many shots did I fire? To be honest in all the excitement of of Rik forgetting most of his lines, I've actually kind of forgotten myself. Did I fire five shots or six? Parrot: You fired six! You fired six! Eddie : Well lets see how lucky you are punk! [Eddie fires his pistol repeatedly shooting the parrot to pieces] Eddie : HA HA! I fucking reloaded! Movie Title: Bottom (1991) as Eddie: [Facing imminent death] Eddie : You know, I think I might come back as a bra. Richie : What? Eddie : Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation. Richie : When did you become a Buddhist? Eddie : About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life! Richie : But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic. Eddie : Alright, alright, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... alright then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic! Eddie : That's it! I'm going to write to my M.P. Richie : Why? Eddie : Because I love her! Richie : [emphatically] Eddie! Tony Blair is a man! Eddie : I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers. Richie : Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?" Eddie : This is a sex shop isn't it? Shop Assistant: Yes. Eddie : [slaps money down] I'll have five quid's worth then! Shop Assistant: Very droll sir, I've never heard that one before. Eddie : Haven't you? Shall I tell it again? Shop Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum. Eddie : You've been working here too long mate. Eddie : [reads letter] What's this? Annual membership to "Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"? Richie : Nothing to do with me. Eddie : It's got "Richard Richard" written on it. Richie : Ah. Er... Eddie : [reads] "Leotard"? Richie : Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up. Eddie : What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"? [both watching a rented video] Richie : It's not very sexy, is it? Eddie : No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure". Richie : I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get? Eddie : "Big Jugs" [laughs] Richie : "Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] Richie : "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else? Eddie : Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam". Richie : Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] Richie : No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making." Eddie : Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"! Eddie : What was your Red Indian name then? "Running Mouth"? "Sitting Down"? "Talking Bollocks"? Richie : "Dances With The Wind". Eddie : That'll be the curry again. Richie : Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party. Eddie : You weren't ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax because the paint washed off when that enema backfired. [Richie's date repeatedly knocks on the door] Richie : All right, all right! Take it easy you bitch! [pause] Richie : I mean, Your Bitchness... I mean Lady Bitch of, oh God Eddie, what do you call them? Eddie : Jugs, what do you call them? [doing Crossword puzzle] Eddie : Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold". Richie : "Harold"? Eddie : Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog! Richie : Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we? Eddie : No we didn't, that's why we had to eat his dog. [about to surrender to the burglars] Richie : No no, they might beat us up. Eddie : What and cut our bodies into a thousand different pieces? Richie : And skin us alive. Eddie : And then... put on our skins. Richie : And do foul depraved love-making to our still twitching corpses. Eddie : And eat our livers. Richie : And drink our blood! And play cricket with our hearts! Eddie : Yeah... using our love truncheons as wickets! Richie : And then do weird sort of pagan dancing flapping our skins about the room, and smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing disintegrating brains! Eddie : [pause] It's not much of an option really, is it? [sitting round campfire] Richie : What was that film where they ate each other? Eddie : "Deep Throat", wasn't it? Richie : What did we do? What did we do? Eddie : Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant. Richie : I thought she was a girl. Eddie : They were pectorals you fool! Richie : Well she had an earring. Eddie : Yeah, through HER foreskin. Richie : Yes, which I found out later much to my distress! Richie : What about pin the tail on the donkey? Eddie : We haven't got a donkey. Richie : Well er, pin the tail on the chicken. Eddie : We haven't got a tail. Richie : Well pin the sausage on the chicken. Eddie : We haven't got a chicken. Richie : Well pin the sausage on the fridge. Eddie : Or a pin. Richie : Sellatope a sausage to the fridge. Eddie : We haven't got a sausage. Richie : Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge! Eddie : Not much of game is it. Pawnbroker: Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer £1.50 for it! Eddie : Uhh... let's haggle. Pawnbroker: OK, a quid. Eddie : No, let's haggle upwards. Pawnbroker: OK, 50p! Eddie : God, they don't call you Larry The Bastard for nothing, do they? Pawnbroker: No. They call me Ted. Richie : Oh Eddie How do you actually drive a car? Eddie : Well you get the wires under the radio, and jam them together until the engine fires up. Then you drink another can of special brew, aim at the post office and put a brick on the accelerator! Richie : Riiigght! Well I'm just going to use the key and see what happens. [Eddie and Richie are about to attempt to do push ups] Richie : Okay. Une, Due, trois and Achtungh! [Pause as they are still lying face down on the floor] Richie : How's it going? Eddie : Like a dream mate. Richie : You mean the kind of dream where you can't do push ups? Eddie : That's the one. Richie : Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck. Eddie : What about badger? Richie : No, no I'm more a sort of... Eddie : HEDGHOG! Richie : No fox! That's good, no that is good. Eddie : Stoat! Richie : Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks... Eddie : Pig! Richie : Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie! [Eddie dressed up as Death] Eddie : Alright then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal? Richie : A deal? Sure. No problem. Great. Eddie : How much money have ya got in the house? Richie : Oh, none. Eddie : What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet? Richie : How do you know about that? Eddie : God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything. Richie : Everything? What, even about the... .? Eddie : Especially that you naughty boy. Richie : Alright. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here. Woman: And your name? Eddie : Edward Hitler Women: Ooh, any relation? Eddie : Well... I've got a mother Women: No, no I meant to Adolf Hitler Eddie : Yes that's her. [In the park] Richie : Yes this is a nice spot, a sort of natural... Eddie : Shithole? Richie : I'm still not asleep you know. I think it might be this sleeping bag, it's letting in a draft. Eddie : Oh my heart bleeds! Richie : Eddie are you carrying a torch for her? Eddie : [looks down] No it's just the way my trousers rubbed up [Richie is carrying the turkey to the table on a tray] Richie : Cor what a magnificent bird Eddie , Spudgun, Dave: Where? Eddie : I'd rather cut off my penis with a rusty bread knife. Richie : Well yes, I can see your point. Eddie : It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily. Eddie : My Great-Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say? Richie : What? Eddie : AAH! BLOODY HELL! GERMANS! THOUSANDS OF 'EM! AAAH! Richie : I've got an excellent idea! Eddie : What is it? Richie : PANIC! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Eddie : I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass. Eddie : [slyly] Nice weather we're having. Dick Head: [bluntly] It's raining. Eddie : Enough with the pleasantries... drinks all round., Dick Head: Of course there's drinks all round, it's a pub! Eddie : They're the Queen's jugs. Richie : A. The Queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B. If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver, she'd save 'em up for the fifty! Eddie : If you have a look at my fifty, you may find it a bit more risque. [Richie glances at it and winces] Richie : Eddie, that's tantamount to treason!... She's got three knockers! Eddie : No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle. Richie : Are you insane? You couldn't buy these under the counter in Hamburg! Eddie : That's the point, mate. The barkeeper will be so mesmerised by the classy erotica, I'll have had ten pints by the time he realises how crap the squiggly lines are! Eddie : That, my friend, is Welsh money. Richie : They don't have any Welsh money! Spudgun: No wonder they all vote Labour. Eddie : Look at this paper. Did you know Margaret Thatcher's grandparents were homosexual Martians? Lucky I read that, I was gonna vote labour. Eddie : All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg. Dick Head: So, Eddie... Eddie : My name is Deirdre Barber. Spudgun: Mine too. Eddie : [pointing to Hedgehog] Him too. Dick Head: Well, Deirdres... Movie Title: The Supergrass (1985) as Dennis Carter: Commander Robertson : Where did you get that sun-tan, Dennis? Dennis Carter : On holiday. Commander Robertson : Where? Dennis Carter : Look, I'm not saying anything 'till I've seen a solicitor. Commander Robertson : Collins, is there a first-aid box in this station? Constable Collins : Well, of course, sir. Commander Robertson : Good. Have this man beaten up. Commander Robertson : Ah, I'd like you to meet these two police undercover officers, Dennis. This is Harvey Duncan, who'll be acting as your miinder, and this is Policewoman Lesley Reynolds, who'll be going as your girlfriend. Dennis Carter : That's not my girlfriend! Commander Robertson : She is now! [being pursued by a motorcycle policeman] Dennis Carter : We've lost him, Harv... Lesley Reynolds : Well done, Harvey. Dennis Carter : Yeah, nice bit of driving, Harvey! [the car crashes into a traffic sign] Dennis Carter : [drunk] You've gotta be lucky. But then again, I don't think they'll catch up with me in Sri Lanka. Lesley Reynolds : Why not? Dennis Carter : Because I'll grow a moustache! I could grow a beard, I could... But... I always think people with beards have got something to hide, you know... Have you ever grown a beard, Harvey? Harvey Duncan: No. Dennis Carter : No, nor have I. Dennis Carter : Beauty. Lesley Reynolds : Famous. Dennis Carter : Supergrass! Harvey Duncan: Dead. [Dennis laughs] Lesley Reynolds : I thought so. [they're pulled over] Dennis Carter : Police! [Dennis, Harvey and Lesley are pulled over] Lesley Reynolds : Driving licence? Dennis Carter : Haven't got one. Harvey Duncan: What? Dennis Carter : I don't have one. Lesley Reynolds : Shit! Dennis Carter : Pants! Harvey Duncan: Shut up, Dennis! Lesley Reynolds : What about Jim? Troy : Oh, little Squealer here stuck a knife in his neck, didn't you? Dennis Carter : Don't be stupid! [Troy kicks him off the bed] Troy : Pardon? Movie Title: The Young Ones (1982) as Vyvyan: Vyvyan : I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last wash. Vyvyan : Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? What happens when we want to play Monopoly? Go directly to plate? Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie? Neil : Do you think that you could get something while you're there to clean the toilet with? Rick , Vyvyan : What? Mike : I don't think I can, Neil. Vyvyan : You can't clean the toilet, Neil. It'll lose all its character. Rick : We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil. That's what being a student is all about. No way, Harpic. No way, Dot. All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing's for sure, Neil. When Cliff Richard wrote "Wired for Sound", no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory. He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair. Vyvyan : Living on Limits? What, are you on a diet? Rick : No, I live on The Limit, Vyvyan. The Limit. Because I'm a Rider at the Gates of Dawn and I take no prisoners. Vyvyan : OK Neil, you might feel a bit of a prick. Neil : Ohhh. What else is new? Vyvyan : Neil, let's not beat around the bush - are you going to make supper, or am I going to kick your teeth in? Rick : Hey, wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real? Vyvyan : That is the single most predictable and BORING thing that anyone could ever say whilst playing Monopoly. [Vyvyan is introducing the guys to his mother... ] Vyvyan : That's a friend of mine named Neil, that's a friend of mine named Mike... and that's a complete bastard I know named Rick. Rick : [laughing] He's just joking Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends. Mrs Vyvyan : Ooh-err. He is a bastard, isn't he? Vyvyan : I still don't see why we had to dig the grave... and carry the coffin, and... and everything else. Neil : Well we're actually the ones who're responsible for his being in this position in the first place. Vyvyan : Liberal. Rick : Well you should've heard me and the undertakers Michael. [laughs] Rick : We made up all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my "stiffie." Neil : Well, I thought we oughta have some sort of, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot; so I borrowed Rick's Biro... Rick : You rented it, Neil, you rented it, and you still haven't paid. Neil : Yeah, yeah. And I wrote something; "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and all. Still, things could've been worse; You could've been me, and ended-up having a really bad time all the time", signed, "Neil". Mike : That's very touching, Neil. Vyvyan : What we need is a large consignment of very hard drugs. Vyvyan : I was in the basement, playing my favorite game, 'Murder In The Dark.' Mrs Vyvyan : I heard you were ill so I brought you a present. Vyvyan : The last present you got me was a box of matches. Mrs Vyvyan : That was a joke. Vyvyan : I was only 8-weeks-old. Vyvyan : This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence. Rick : Vyvyan, you never told us your mother was a bartender. Vyvyan : She was a shoplifter when I knew her. [explaining cereal contest rules] Vyvyan : You have to write in 10 words what Cornflakes mean to you. So I wrote: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Rick : PATHETIC. You'll never win, you know. Vyvyan : Why not? Rick : That's only 9 words. Vyvyan : Oh, yeah. [writing] Vyvyan : Cornflakes. [Vyvyan and Rick are playing Monopoly] Vyvyan : [reading Community Chest card] You have won 2nd place in a beauty contest... [Rick laughs] Vyvyan : ... smash Rick over the head with the bank. [Vyvyan does so] [Speaking to Bambi, the host of "University Challenge"] Vyvyan : I liked the part where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face. Neil : That wasn't in BAMBI, Vyvyan. Vyvyan : It was in the sequel, "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with his Drill and Sex" Neil : Is that true Bambi? Did you do a Disney Nasty? [Door blows up] Rick , Mike : Vyvyan. Vyvyan : Vyvyan. Vyvyan. I swear every time something blows up in this house it's always bloody Vyvyan. [Vyvyan talking about his potion] Vyvyan : The person who drinks it will become an axe-wielding homicidal maniac, it's a cure really... for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac. [Vyvyan bites into house brick and it explodes] Vyvyan : Some of the bricks in this house explode, brilliant. [Vyvyan is making a cardboard submarine] Rick : That's just typical of you Vyvyan. The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do build a submarine. [pauses] Rick : There's um no room for me in there, is there? Vyvyan : No. [taking on the persona of Mike] Vyvyan : As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, "I'm getting fed up." Neil : You mean, you, like, scored with a chick? Rick : Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes. Mike : Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem. Vyvyan : I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious? Rick : What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy? Vyvyan : Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting! Rick : You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night... Neil : What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider. Rick : Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women! Movie Title: Bottom Live (1993) as Edward Hitler: Richard Richard : Eddie I have decided to kill myself because I'm £15,000 in debt! Edward Hitler : Fucking Hell! A line from the play! I never saw that one coming! We're only an hour into and he's spoken an actual line. Wow! Richard Richard : Yeah well just shut up and get on with it or else we'll still be here next Thursday. I've had enough of Southampton to last me a life time. Movie Title: Bottom 2001: An Arse Oddity (2001) as Eddie: Richie : What the fuck happened there? Eddie : Well you keep running around shouting "What the fuck happened there?" whilst wobbling your tits about like some epileptic page 3 model. [The pair are drinking tea made with pig's milk] Eddie : Have you noticed something really odd about the pig? In all the times you have milked it have you noticed it only has one nipple? Richie : Yeah I had noticed that weird isn't it? Eddie : Plus it never seems to produce a lot of milk, also have you spotted those two great bollocks it has?" [Richie has a shocked look on face before starting to vomit] [The pair are alone in some domed room] Richie : Hello? Eddie : Hello! Richie : No not you! Eddie : Maybe I wasn't replying to you. Richie : So then, there really is someone else here? Eddie : Yeah I'm afraid so. Richie : Who is it? Eddie : Its me! Hello! Richie : Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom! Eddie : Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck! [Richie is wearing bright pink Underwear] Eddie : Where did you get those? Richie : I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse! [Talking about the Parrot] Richie : What was that thing he used to say? Eddie : Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal? Richie : No not that one the other thing? Eddie : Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat! Richie : That's the one. Richie : Is Dave attacking that Seagull? Eddie : Either that or he's shagging it. Richie : No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away. Eddie : Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts! Richie : Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he? Eddie : Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet. Richie : Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember? Eddie : Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me. Eddie : Where's the bar? Richie : Eddie there's no bar! Eddie : What the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there? What the fuck fuck fuck happened there? What the fuck fucking fuck fuckity fuck happened there? Richie : Language! Eddie : English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help! Richie : What other options do we have? Let's explore our parameters? Eddie : You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit there's no corners to hide in! Richie : Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch...Oh Fucking Homo! Richie : Before you go say something nice. Eddie : Breasts! Richie : No. Eddie : Larger! Richie : No, something else. Eddie : I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and larger are the only nice things I know. Richie : Come on Eddie think of the money! Eddie : What? Are you getting paid? Richie : No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike? Eddie : I knew I should have fixed those brakes. Richie : What did you say? Eddie : I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy. Richie : Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me. Richie : Who is that awful actor who plays you? Eddie : Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that Ginger Hair'd cunt is it? Richie : Who? Chris Evans? Eddie : Yeah. Richie : No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character. Richie : So let me get this straight, we aren't in some dark, godless void on the edge of human misery? Eddie : No we're in Nottingham. Richie : Same thing isn't it? Richie : It's not our fault we have shit actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets. Eddie : I thought you did. Richie : It was one of my great improvisations. Eddie : I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway. Richie : It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we? Eddie : What were you doing during the interval? Movie Title: Filthy Rich & Catflap (1987) as Edward Catflap: [about an enormous pile of meat they stole] Richard Rich : Good lord Eddie, how'd you get all that meat down your trousers! Edward Catflap : That's what all the girls say. Richard Rich : Smut is the last recourse of the emotional cripple, Eddie. For it is a psychological truism that they talk about that which they cannot do. Edward Catflap : Oh, is that why you're always talking about acting, plop-pants? [During a brainstorming session to come up with a new idea for an advert] Edward Catflap : I've always thought that Corn Flakes look a bit like people. Richard Rich : We've got two problems. No food, and the Nolan Sisters. What should we do? Edward Catflap : Eat the Nolans! Movie Title: Guest House Paradiso (1999) as Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Chef's hurt himself. Richard Twat : How bad? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Indescribably. He hit is head on this frying pan seventeen times. Richard Twat : will you stop making those owl noises? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : sorry Richard Twat : Now come on Rich slips and lands with his eye in the candle Richard Twat : AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH Lights go out then Eddy lights another candle Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Rich are you alright? Richard Twat : Candle in the eye. Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : What? Richard Twat : Candle in the eye rich points to his eye Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Oh righto Eddy shoves the candle in Richies unburnt eye Richard Twat : AAAARRRGGGGGHHH Richard Twat : I trust you've slept well? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Actually, we had a bit of a rough night. Richard Twat : Ah, the perils of adultery. Movie Title: Blackadder Goes Forth (1989) as Baron von Richthoven: Baron von Richthoven : Ah, and the Lord Flasheart. This is indeed an honour. Finally, the two greatest gentleman fliers in the world meet. Two men of honour, who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies, face to face at last. How often I have rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The panoply to encapsulate the unspoken nobility of a comradeship. [Flasheart shoots von Richthoven] Lord Flasheart : What a poof! |
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