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 Bob Hoskins QuotationMovie Title: The Cotton Club (1984) as Owney: Owney : In the next room, gentlemen, is the finest food, drink and pussy in New York at a price. Owney : Someone oughta take out your brain and pickle it! [Frenchy has just broken Owney's watch] Frenchy: You cheap son of a bitch! You only offered $500 for me? Owney : What? Frenchy: If you were kidnapped, I wouldn't offer more than that for you! Owney : $500? Frenchy: That's what I heard! Owney : 50 grand! I paid 50 grand! They only wanted 35 but I gave 50 not to hurt you. $500. I would've given 500,000 for you. I been worried sick about you. Look at what you done to my fuckin' watch. Frenchy: 50 grand? Owney : Yeah. [Frenchy hands Owney a box that Owney opens] Owney : What's this? A platinum watch. (smiling) You asshole. Movie Title: Lassiter (1984) as Inspector John Becker: Inspector John Becker : Cooperate and you're a free man, Lassiter. Cross me and you'll do twenty hard years. Movie Title: Pink Floyd The Wall (1982) as Rock and Roll Manager: [Pink's Manager defends Pink's trashing of his hotel room] Hotel Manager : He's a maniac! Rock and Roll Manager : He's an ARTIST! [On seeing how Pink completely trashed his hotel room] Rock and Roll Manager : Fuck me! Movie Title: Brazil (1985) as Spoor: Spoor : Where'd you get this from, eh? Out yer nostril? Spoor : All you've got to do is blow your nose and it's fixed, in't it? Movie Title: Heart Condition (1990) as Jack Moony: [Stone, now in spirit form, sneezes] Jack Moony : How can you be sick? You're dead! Napoleon Stone : It's psychological. [Moony laughs.] Napoleon Stone : What's so funny? Jack Moony : A hypochondriac spook. Movie Title: Don Quixote (2000) as Sancho Panza: Sancho Panza : How much does honor pay by the hour? Movie Title: Shattered (1991) as Gus Klein: Gus Klein : So your wife had an affair. You've never had an affair, Mr. Merrick? Dan Merrick : As a matter of fact, I have. But I'm not sure with who. Gus Klein : [laughing] That could keep a guy on his toes, huh? Movie Title: Enemy at the Gates (2001) as Nikita Khruschev / Nikita Khrushchev: Nikita Khrushchev : Vodka is a luxury we have. Caviar is a luxury we have. Time is not. Nikita Khrushchev : You won't give up the bridge. I don't care if you lost half your men. Lose the other half. Lose yourself. Nikita Khrushchev : Write it then - "Vasilli Zaitsev is *not* dead. This is what he had for breakfast this morning, here's a picture of him reading today's newspaper." You're the poet. Nikita Khruschev : I have to report this to the Boss. [puts a gun on the table] Nikita Khruschev : Maybe you'd prefer to avoid the red tape. Movie Title: Maid in Manhattan (2002) as Lionel: Lionel : What we do, Miss Ventura, does not define who we are. Lionel : And although we serve them, we are not their servants. Movie Title: The Long Good Friday (1980) as Harold: Harold : I'll have his carcass dripping blood by midnight. Harold : The Mafia? I've shit 'em. Harold : We're looking for people who can contribute to what England has given the world: culture, genius, sophistication. Bit more than an 'ot dog, know what I mean? Harold : It's Good Friday. Have a Bloody Mary. Harold : You don't crucify people! Not on Good Friday! Harold : The Yanks love snobbery. They really feel they've arrived in England if the upper class treats 'em like shit. Pool Attendant : They kept it all incognito. They're gonna collect the body in an ice cream van. Harold : There's a lot of dignity in that, isn't there? Going out like a raspberry ripple. Casino Manager: It was a good night. Nothing unusual. Harold : "Nothing unusual," he says! Eric's been blown to smithereens, Colin's been carved up, and I've got a bomb in me casino, and you say nothing unusual? Erroll: Well, he don't like Colin. I mean, queers get right up his hooter, you know? Harold : After what happened this morning, you'd have to find his hooter to get up it. Erroll: Is something up with him, then? Harold : Well, let's put it this way. Apart from his asshole being about fifty yards away from his brains, and the choirboys playing "'unt the thimble" with the rest of him, he ain't too happy. Harold : What the hell was Colin doing with a lime-ass minicab driver in Belfast? Jeff : Colin can't drive. Harold : Oh, that makes sense. Second question: Belfast? What was he doing there? I know Colin fancies soldiers, but that's taking his buggery a bit far, isn't it? Harold : Alan found him dying. He'd been nailed to the floor. Jeff : When was this, then? Harold : Well, it must've been just after you saw him and just before Alan saw him. Otherwise, you'd have noticed, wouldn't you? I mean, a geezer nailed to the floor. A man of your education would definitely have spotted that, wouldn't he? Harold : I'm glad I found out in time just what a partnership with a pair of wankers like you would've been. A sleeping partner's one thing, but you're in a fucking coma! No wonder you've got an energy crisis, you're so under the water! Harold : Who's having a go at me? Can you think of anyone who might have an old score to settle or something? Razors : Who's big enough to take you on? Harold : Well, there were a few. Razors : Like who? Harold : Yeah, they're all dead. Harold : No one's heard nothing? That just ain't natural. It's like one of them silent, deadly farts. No clue, and then pow, you go cross-eyed. Harold : Remember, scare the shit out of them, but don't damage them. I want 'em conscious and talkative. And lads, try and be discreet, eh? Harold : Move to the car, Billy, or I'll blow your spine off. Billy : That's not a shooter, is it, Harold? Harold : Oh don't be silly, Billy. Would I come hunting for you with me fingers? Harold : Don't you ever tell me what I can or can't do! Bent law can be tolerated for as long as they're lubricating, but you have become definitely parched. If I was you, I'd run for cover and close the hatch, 'cause you're gonna wind up on one of those meat hooks, my son. Harold : I'm setting up the biggest deal in Europe with the hardest organization since Hitler stuck as swastika on his jockstrap. Harold : It's my manor! Parky : Not anymore Harold, they're taking it away from you. Harold : Tell 'em what your name is. Razors : Razors Harold : Or as the youth of today call him, the human spirograph. Harold : I want the name of your top gras. Parky : He trusts me Harold, I've known him a long time. Harold : Then you should remember his name. Harold : This is like a bad night in Belfast. Harold : Don't you ever worry about your liver? Jeff : Naw, we're just good friends. Movie Title: Super Mario Bros. (1993) as Mario Mario / Mario: Mario : How are we gonna get in there? I got two words for you: Im-possible. Luigi : Nothing is impossible, Mario. Improbable, Unlikely, but never impossible. Desk Sergeant: Name. Mario : Mario. Desk Sergeant: Last name. Mario : Mario. Desk Sergeant: And you? Luigi : Luigi. Desk Sergeant: Luigi Luigi? Luigi : No, Luigi Mario. Desk Sergeant: Okay how many Marios are there between the two of you? Luigi : Three: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. [In the police car, a wanted poster of Luigi and Mario flashes on a TV screen naming them Alien Plumbers] Luigi Mario : Aliens? We gotta deal with aliens too? Mario Mario : Luigi, *we're* the aliens. Luigi Mario : We are? Wow, cool. [Mario and Luigi survey Dinohattan] Mario Mario : This can't be Manhattan. Luigi Mario : I don't know, I haven't been to Manhattan in a couple weeks. Mario Mario : Must have been a bad couple of weeks. Mario Mario : Excuse me, do you know where we are? Pedestrian: Yeah, you're in my way. Mario : Great, a building with athlete's foot. Mario : Mario Brothers Plumbing, no leak too small. Toad : Say, what's another word that rhymes with dimension? Mario : Yeah, tension, and I'm full of it so shut up. Luigi : It is an honor to meet you sir, and a pleasure, and I just wanna thank you for all your help. Mario : Come on, Luigi. You'll be talking to the mildew in the shower next. [Entering the Boom Boom Bar] Luigi : Isn't this a little bit feminine? Iggy : Yes, I know. It was my ex wife's. Mario : But you wear this stuff? Spike : Yes. On occasion, we have a... date. Mario : Who do you date, a canary? Luigi : [driving] I've heard sea turtles travel thousands of miles on their own. Mario : Not in New York traffic, they don't. Mario : Turn left here. [Luigi turns right] Mario : LEFT. I SAID LEFT. Daisy : How's Daniella? Mario : Oh, Daniella! I promised to take her to Wrestlemania. Movie Title: Balto (1995) as Boris: Boris : Let me tell you something Balto. A dog can not make this journey alone, but maybe a wolf can. Boris : He only knows what he is not. If he could only see what he is. Boris : They wouldn't put you on a sled team even if you did win. Balto : Wish me luck. Boris : I don't wish you luck! I wish you sense! [quietly] Boris : Good luck, kiddo. Steele : Didn't make the team, Bingo? Boris : Don't look at him! Don't answer him! Don't give him any- Balto : My name's BALTO. Boris : But you can call him "Idiot." Boris : Oh, Balto! I was so scared, I got people bumps! Boris : When you are big, frozen, stiff statue named Balto, don't come running to me! Boris : This wolf business again. What is wrong with being half and half, I like to know? Sometimes I wish like crazy I was half eagle! Balto : Why? Boris : Better profile for one thing, and nobody eats you for another. Boris : Where's he going? He's going out into freezing cold to find a dog he doesn't like to bring medicine back to a town that doesn't like him! Oh no! I'm beginning to understand the bear! Boris : Poor Balto. He's going into freezing coldness to find the dog he doesn't like and bring medicine back to a town that doesn't like him. Boris : Who should you bring on a wild goose chase but a goose? Boris : Balto, I do not like leaving you out here alone. Who's going to tell you how cold you are? [After Balto rescues Rosy's hat from being trampled by Steele] Boris : When will you learn to stay on the sidelines? Boris : I'm a country bird. I hate going into town. Movie Title: Hook (1991) as Garbage Sweeper in Kensington Gardens / Smee: Smee : I've just had an apostrophe. Captain Hook : I think you mean an epiphany. Smee : No... lightning has just struck my brain. Captain Hook : Well, that must hurt. Captain James Hook : No stopping me this time, Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step. My finger's on the trigger. Don't try to stop me, Smee. Smee : On, not again. Captain James Hook : This is it. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't you dare try to stop me this time, Smee, try to stop me. Smee, you'd better get up off your ass. Get over here, Smee. Smee : I'm coming. I'm coming. Captain James Hook : Stop me. This is not a joke. I'm committing suicide. Captain James Hook : Don't ever frighten me like that again. Smee : I'm sorry. Captain James Hook : Are you some kind of a sadist? Smee : Good Mooooooooooooorning Neverland. Here he is, a man so deep, he's almost unfathomable. A man so quick, he's almost fast asleep. I give you, the steel handed stingray, Captain James Hook. Smee : If there's anybody not fighting, get here quick. Garbage Sweeper in Kensington Gardens : Hello. Having trouble with the Mrs.? Well you will have by the time the two of you get home. Movie Title: Pennies from Heaven (1978) as Arthur: Arthur Parker: I'd rather be a Yank. Eileen Everson: Pardon? Arthur : They got the best songs. Eileen : What's that got to do with it! Arthur : I want to...I know it sounds daft Eileen, but I want to live in a world where the songs is... Eileen : Where the songs come true. Arthur : Yes. Movie Title: Felicia's Journey (1999) as Joseph Ambrose Hilditch / Mr. Hilditch: Mr. Hilditch : Another person's trouble can lift the mind, Felicia. Mr. Hilditch : Another person's trouble can lift the mind, Felicia. Felicia : Some would call it murder. Mr. Hilditch : Murder? ... We're not in this world to cause pain, dear. Of course -- you have to think of yourself on occasion. I'm not saying you don't. But there are other people, too. Which is something you're daily more aware of as you grow older. Joseph Ambrose Hilditch : No one's blaming you, dear. Things -- happen. Things take a turn. We live in a miracle. That's the promise. That's the future. The pain will wash away. The healing will commence. Movie Title: Nixon (1995) as J. Edgar Hoover: J. Edgar Hoover : There's already been one radical in the White House. I don't believe it could survive another. Movie Title: Mona Lisa (1986) as George: George : You like her, don't ya? Simone : Of course I like her. George : Yeah, but you like her in that special way. In the songs. Simone : What songs? George : Well, I've sold myself for a couple of dykes. Simone : She needs me George. George : And you needed me to get her. Simone : Haven't you ever needed someone? George : All the time. Thomas : [shows George a plate of plastic spaghetti] What do you think? George : Do you melt it down and eat it? Thomas : No. They're ornamental. George : Ornamental spaghetti. Thomas : Yeah. Could go a bomb. George : Where'd you get them? Thomas : Contacts, George. You can't find plastic spaghetti just anywhere. Simone : ...Sometimes they fall for what they think I am. George : And what do they think you are? Simone : What you think. A black whore. George : Did I say that? Simone : What do you think, then? George : Well, you ain't no night nurse. Simone : No, I ain't no night nurse. George : Well, let's say you're a lady. Movie Title: Sweet Liberty (1986) as Stanley Gould: Stanley Gould : Wonderful welcome. Maniacs in tights - Shooting. [Stanley is trying to check into his hotel] Stanley Gould : I have to get right to my suite. I'm the writer. Stuntman: So? I'm the stunt coordinator. Stanley Gould : So you can fall down later - I have writing that can't wait. [On Stanley's adaptation of Michael's book] Stanley Gould : You're not upset are you? Michael Burgess : [annoyed] I think I should warn you - I have a sword in my bag. Movie Title: Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) as Eddie Valiant: Roger Rabbit : Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate, and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water. Eddie Valiant : Not prostate, you idiot. PROBATE. Eddie Valiant : Anybody know you're here? Roger Rabbit : Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh... Eddie Valiant : Who? Roger Rabbit : Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know. But the liquor store guy... he knew. Eddie Valiant : In other words, the whole town knows you're here! Get out! Jessica Rabbit : You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do. Eddie Valiant : You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do. Jessica Rabbit : I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. Eddie Valiant : You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing! Roger Rabbit : But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh. Eddie Valiant : Sit down! Roger Rabbit : You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh. Eddie Valiant : Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel. Roger Rabbit : Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in. Eddie Valiant : Why? Because you made him laugh? Roger Rabbit : That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have. Eddie Valiant : Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning. Eddie Valiant : You mean you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time? Roger Rabbit : No, not at any time, only when it was funny. Judge Doom : A few weeks ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city council. A construction plan of epic proportions. We're calling it a freeway. Eddie Valiant : Freeway? What the hell's a freeway? Judge Doom : Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past. Eddie Valiant : So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it. Judge Doom : Of course not. You lack vision, but I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toon Town once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful. Eddie Valiant : A ladies' man, eh? Baby Herman : The problem is, I've got a fifty year old lust but a three year old dinky. Angelo : So who's your client, Mr. Detective-to-the-Stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel? Dolores : What'll it be? Angelo : I'll have a beer, doll. So what happened, huh? Somebody kidnapped Dinky Doodle? Dolores : Cut it out, Angelo. Angelo : No, wait a minute, wait a minute, I've got it. You're working for Little Bo Peep. She's lost her sheep, and you're gonna help her find them, huh? [Angelo laughs. Eddie kicks Angelo's seat out from under him and grabs him by the neck] Eddie Valiant : Get this straight, meatball. I... don't... work... for toons. R.K. Maroon : How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant? Eddie Valiant : Only that there is no business like it, no business I know. R.K. Maroon : Yeah. And there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You've seen the rabbit blowing his lines. He can't keep his mind on his job. You know why? Eddie Valiant : One too many refrigerators dropped on his head? R.K. Maroon : Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, goes to pieces just like you and me. Judge Doom : You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant? Eddie Valiant : Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year. Judge Doom : I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that? Eddie Valiant : What's that? Lt. Santino : Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a toon? Well, Doom found a way. Turpentine, acetone, benzene. He calls it "The Dip." Judge Doom : I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and execute him. [dips shoe in poison, and cremation smoke starts sizzling out] Eddie Valiant : Geez. Greasy : [laughs] That's one dead shoe, eh, boss? Judge Doom : They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant. This is how we handle things down in Toontown. Jessica Rabbit : Oh, no. Where's Roger? Eddie Valiant : Roger?. He chickened out on me back at the studio. Jessica Rabbit : No he didn't. I hit him in the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk... so he wouldn't get hurt. Eddie Valiant : Makes perfect sense. Eddie Valiant : That lame-brain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a toon . Lt. Santino : Gee whiz, Eddie, if you really needed money so bad, then why didn't you come to me? Eddie Valiant : Well, I took a couple of dirty pictures, so kill me. Lt. Santino : I already got a stiff on my hands, thank you. Eddie Valiant : Huh? Lt. Santino : Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night. Eddie Valiant : I'm through with taking falls/And bouncing off the walls/Without that gun, I'd have some fun/I'd kick you in the... Roger Rabbit : Nose. Smart Ass : Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls." Eddie Valiant : No, but this does. [He kicks Smartass in the crotch, propelling him into a vat of Dip] Eddie Valiant : Nice monkey suit. Bongo : Huh. Wise ass. Eddie Valiant : Seriously, what do you see in that guy? Jessica Rabbit : He makes me laugh. [Eddie sneaks up on Maroon] Eddie Valiant : What's Up, Doc? R.K. Maroon : Valiant, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Eddie Valiant : You need a heart, before you can have an attack. R.K. Maroon : Yeah, yeah. You got the will? Eddie Valiant : Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap. [Eddie is falling; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him] Bugs Bunny : Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumping without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it? Mickey Mouse : Yeah. You could get killed. Heh, heh. Eddie Valiant : Listen, do any of you have a spare? Mickey Mouse : Uh, Bugs does. Eddie Valiant : Really? Bugs Bunny : Yeah, but I don't think you want it. Eddie Valiant : I do, I do, give it to me. Mickey Mouse : Gee, better let him have it, Bugs. Bugs Bunny : Okay, Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare. Eddie Valiant : Thanks [Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls ripcord on parachute, car tire comes out] Eddie Valiant : OH, NO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Mickey Mouse : Aw, poor fella. Bugs Bunny : Yeah, ain't I a stinker? Eddie Valiant : Toons. Gets 'em every time. Eddie Valiant : Nice booby trap. [Bongo catches Eddie spying on Jessica] Bongo : What do you think you're doing, chump? Eddie Valiant : Who are you callin' a chump, chimp? Bongo : GRRRR! Eddie Valiant : AAAHH-OOF! Bongo : Don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again. Got it? GRR! Eddie Valiant : OOGA-BOOGA! R.K. Maroon : Kinda jumpy, aren't you, Mr. Valiant? it's just Dumbo. Eddie Valiant : I KNOW who it is. R.K. Maroon : I got him on loan from Disney. Him and half the cast of Fantasia. the best part is, they work for peanuts. Eddie Valiant : Dolores, you need to find yourself a good man. Dolores : But I already have a good man. [Eddie is hanging on to a flagpole] Tweety : Oh, wook! Piddies. Eddie Valiant : Hi, Tweety. Tweety : This wittle piddy went to market. [removes one of Eddie's fingers from the pole] Tweety : This wittle piddy stayed home. [removes another one] Eddie Valiant : No. Tweety : This wittle piddy had roast beef, [removes another one] Tweety : and this wittle piddy had... [Eddie falls] Tweety : Oops, I'm all out of piddies. Roger Rabbit : Hide me Eddie... PLLLEASE. Remember you never saw me. Eddie Valiant : GET OUT OF THERE. Eddie Valiant : GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR. That's my brother's chair. Roger Rabbit : [looking at photo on desk] Yeah, where is your brother anyway? He looks like a sensitive and... SOBER fellow. Eddie Valiant : That's it. I'm calling the cops. Roger Rabbit : [leaving] Go ahead. Call the cops. I come here for help and what do you do? Yo turn me in. No, don't feel guilty about me. So long, and thanks for nothing. [slams door] Eddie Valiant : That's the closet! Stupe! [enters the closet] Roger Rabbit : [impersonating Dick Tracy] Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest. [slaps handcuffs on Eddie] Roger Rabbit : Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! Eddie Valiant : You idiot. I got no keys for these cuffs. Lt. Santino : Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme. Eddie Valiant : And R.K. Maroon. And my brother. Lt. Santino : Now that's what I call one seriously disturbed toon. Dolores : Well, you wanna tell me what she was doing with her arms around you? Eddie Valiant : Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife. Dolores : Oh come on Eddie, I caught you with your pants down. Benny the Cab : Ah, that's better. I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk. Roger Rabbit : Come on, Eddie, get in. Benny the Cab : It was just a couple of miles. Eddie Valiant : I'll drive. Roger Rabbit : But I wanna drive. Benny the Cab : No. I'll drive, I'm the cab. Outta my way, pencil neck. Roger Rabbit : Jeepers, Eddie. That was swell. You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya. [kisses Eddie, Eddie pulls away] Eddie Valiant : For starters, don't ever kiss me again. [Judge Doom about to "dip" Roger] Eddie Valiant : Hey, Judge. Doesn't a rabbit deserve a last request? Roger Rabbit : Yeah, nose plugs would be nice. Eddie Valiant : I think you need a drink. So, how about it, Judge? Judge Doom : Why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution. Eddie Valiant : Happy trails. Roger Rabbit : No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down. Eddie Valiant : Drink the drink. Roger Rabbit : But I don't want the drink. Judge Doom : He doesn't want the drink. Eddie Valiant : He does. Roger Rabbit : I don't. Eddie Valiant : You do. Roger Rabbit : I don't. Eddie Valiant : You do. Roger Rabbit : I don't. Eddie Valiant : You do. Roger Rabbit : I don't. Eddie Valiant : You don't. Roger Rabbit : I do. Eddie Valiant : You don't. Roger Rabbit : I do. Eddie Valiant : You don't. Roger Rabbit : (taking drink) Listen, when I say I do, that means I do. Judge Doom : You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful conclusion of this case draws the curtain on my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring, taking a new role in the private sector. Eddie Valiant : That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries, by any chance? Judge Doom : You're looking at the sole stockholder. Eddie Valiant : Scotch on the rocks. And I mean ice. Jessica Rabbit : Well, we're not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours. Eddie Valiant : I have a feeling someone already did. Jessica Rabbit : From the looks of it I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel. Eddie Valiant : Better lover than a driver, huh? Jessica Rabbit : You'd better believe it, buster. R.K. Maroon : Roger, I know this seems pretty painful now, but you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant? Eddie Valiant : Good looking guy like that? Dames will be breaking his doors down. Roger Rabbit : [Angrily grabbing Eddie by the lapels] Dames? What dames? Jessica's the only one for me. You'll see. We'll rise above this piddling pecadillo. We're gonna be happy again. You got that? Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I. [Runs through window] Eddie Valiant : At least he took it well. [Eddie gets $50 for a $100 job] Eddie Valiant : Where's the other fifty? R.K. Maroon : Let's call the other fifty a carrot to finish the job. Eddie Valiant : You've been hanging around rabbits too long. Dolores : Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday? Eddie Valiant : Fish special? Dolores : You know my boss check the books on Friday. If I don't have that money I gave you on the till by Friday I'm going to lose my job. Eddie Valiant : Don't bust a button, Dolores. You only have one left. R.K. Maroon : What are you going to do to me, Valiant? Eddie Valiant : I'm going to listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario. The story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, I'm going to edit out. R.K. Maroon : You got it all wrong, Valiant. I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer. Eddie Valiant : Everybody's gotta have a hobby. Bongo : Got the password? Eddie Valiant : Walt sent me. Smart Ass : Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off. The rabbit was here. It was corrugated by several others. So cut the bullshtick. Eddie Valiant : You keep talking like that and I'll have to wash your mouth off. [Sticks soap bar in Smartass' mouth] Eddie Valiant : This singing ain't my line/ It's hard to make a rhyme/If I get stuck, I'm... I'm out of luck, I'm... Jessica Rabbit : I'm running out of time. Eddie Valiant : Thanks. Roger Rabbit : [crying] No wonder you hate me. If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me, too. Eddie Valiant : Come on, I don't hate you. Roger Rabbit : Yes, you do. Eddie Valiant : No, I don't. Roger Rabbit : You do hate me, otherwise you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times. Eddie Valiant : Well, I'm sorry I yanked your ears. Roger Rabbit : All the times you yanked my ears? Eddie Valiant : All the times I yanked your ears. Roger Rabbit : What could have possibly happen to you to turn you into such a sourpuss? Eddie Valiant : You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother. Roger Rabbit : A toon? No! Eddie Valiant : Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We tracked him down to a little dive down on Yuckster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. We never did find out who he was. All I remember was him looking over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that. Eddie Valiant : I'm glad Teddy isn't here to see me running with my tail between my legs. Roger Rabbit : It's not so bad, once you get used to it. Eddie Valiant : Weren't you the one I caught playing pattycake with old man Acme? Jessica Rabbit : You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures. Eddie Valiant : What are you talking about? Jessica Rabbit : Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those pattycake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. Anything. [Presses her chest against Eddie's with a "thump"] Eddie Valiant : What a wife. Eddie Valiant : Forget it. I don't work Toontown. R.K. Maroon : What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown. Eddie Valiant : Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going. Roger Rabbit : No! Not my Jessica! Not pattycake! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee. Eddie Valiant : Well you better start drinking it black, Acme's taking the cream now. Baby Herman : Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the real reason he was bumped off. Eddie Valiant : Has anyone seen this will? Baby Herman : Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath. Eddie Valiant : If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal. Baby Herman : I just thought that since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya. Eddie Valiant : Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes. Eddie Valiant : Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that in a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter? Roger Rabbit : That's right! I knew that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance. Eddie Valiant : I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine. Roger Rabbit : Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice, clean piece of paper. [reading] Roger Rabbit : "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand. Four one-thousand. Five..." Roger Rabbit : Say, Eddie. That sure was a funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you think your days of being a sourpuss are over? Eddie Valiant : Only time will tell. Roger Rabbit : Yeah, well... put 'er there, pal. [They shake hands; Eddie gets shocked by buzzer on Roger's hand; he glowers at Roger] Roger Rabbit : Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already? Eddie Valiant : [Grabbing Roger by the throat] Does this answer your question? [Eddie kisses Roger in the mouth] Eddie Valiant : Say, Roger. That letter you wrote to your wife at the Ink and Paint Club? Why don't you read it to her now? Roger Rabbit : Sure thing, Eddie. "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body..."? It's the will! Eddie Valiant : Keep reading. Roger Rabbit : "... do hereby bequeath, in perpetuity, the property known as Toontown, to those lovable characters, the toons"! Eddie Valiant : She's married to Roger Rabbit? Betty Boop : Yeah. What a lucky goil. Eddie Valiant : So why come to me? I'm the one who took the pictures of your wife. Roger Rabbit : Yeah, and you're also the one who helped all these toons. Everyone knows that when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go: Valiant & Valiant. Eddie Valiant : Not anymore. [As Doom is searching for Roger by tapping "Shave and a Haircut"] Eddie Valiant : I don't know who's toonier, you or Doom. Eddie Valiant : Can I borrow your camera? Mine's at the shop. Dolores : Wouldn't be the pawn shop, by any chance? Eddie Valiant : C'mon, Dolores. You want the other fifty, I need the camera. [Dolores hands Eddie the camera] Eddie Valiant : Any film in there? Dolores : Should be. Haven't had that film developed since our trip to Catalina. Sure was a long time ago. Eddie Valiant : Yeah. that was along time ago. We should do that again some time. Dolores : Yeah, sure, Eddie. Roger Rabbit : What are we going to do, Eddie? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Eddie Valiant : What's all this we stuff? They just want the rabbit. |
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