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 Craig Charles Quotation"What's amazing is that I'm recognised all over the world through Red Dwarf. In New York City, I nipped into a store on Broadway and the owner pointed to the TV, and Red Dwarf was on! The show's enabled me to travel all over the world too, partly for fan club conventions. British fans are exceptional, but the American fans are something else. Some of them fly 500 miles to stand in line for three hours, just to meet me, then when they do they collapse. It makes you feel like a rock star! Oh, and I got to snog William Shatner when he was a panelist on Space Cadets, in which I was a team captain." Movie Title: Red Dwarf (1988) as High Lister / Lister: Rimmer : Incredible. A stupendous moment in my personal history. The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior. Lister : Yeah, right Rimmer. Absolutely. Rimmer : They must have looked something like... a roast chicken. Lister : How can you just lie back and accept it? Kryten : Oh, it's not the end for me, sir, it's just the beginning. I have served my human masters, now I can look forward to my reward in silicon heaven. Lister : [Stunned pause] Silicon WHAT? Kryten : Surely you've heard of silicon heaven? Lister : Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift? Kryten : No, sir. It's the electronic afterlife. It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment. Robots, toasters, calculators. It's our final resting place. Lister : I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko Jacko. There is no such thing as 'Silicon Heaven'. Kryten : Then where do all the calculators go? Lister : They don't go anywhere. They just die. Kryten : Surely you believe that God is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist? Lister : Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils. I'm not a FRYING pantheist. Machines do not have souls. Computers and calculators do not have an afterlife. You don't get hairdryers with tiny little wings, sitting on clouds and playing harps. Kryten : But of course you do. For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, "The Iron shall lie down with the Lamp". Lister : Oh, smeg. What the smegging smeg's he smegging done? He's smegging killed me. Rimmer : Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller. Lister : What? Rimmer : That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them. Oh, smeg, that's all we need. Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 6-5000. [Looking out a prison window, after being captured by Hitler] Lister : Hang on, hang on, something's happening. Some kind of parade, or drill, but... Cat : But what? Lister : Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looking like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon... smeg, its like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. My God, there's James Last. I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection. Cat : What are they doing? Lister : They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh. Cat : What? Lister : Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold. Cat : They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake? [gunfire from outside] Lister : [looking shell-shocked] That's something no one should ever have to see. Rimmer : Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die. Lister : What? Rimmer : I did warn you to brace yourself. Lister : You didn't give me much of a chance. Rimmer : I gave you ample bracing time. Lister : No you didn't. You didn't even pause. Rimmer : Well, I'm sorry. *I've* just had a rather nasty experience. *I* have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way. Lister : Yeah. *Me*. [An alien device just turned Lister into a chicken, then a hamster] Cat : What was it like, being a hamster? Lister : Well, it was better than being a chicken. I mean, you've seen the size of an egg. You've seen the size of a chicken's bum. I was trying to say, in chicken-talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural." Lister : Don't give me any of that Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning. Toaster : Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast? Lister : Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast. Toaster : How 'bout a muffin? Lister : Or muffins. Or muffins. We don't like muffins around here. We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks. Toaster : Aah, so you're a waffle man. Rimmer : So, c'mon, how did you lose yours? Lister : Michelle Fisher, the ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal golf course. Par 4, dobbing to the right, in the bunker behind the green. Rimmer : You lost your virginity on a golf course. How'd you have the nerve? Lister : It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything. It was midnight. Rimmer : How old were you? Lister : She was so good looking. If she wanted, then she could've got a job working behind the perfume counter at Lewis'. That's how gorgeous she was. Rimmer : How old were you? Lister : She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard. Rimmer : Skateboard. How old were you? Lister : Twelve. Rimmer : TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve? Lister : Yeah. Rimmer : Twelve? You can't have been a full member of the golf club then. [Lister's old girlfriend has turned up from a parallel dimension] Kryten : [to Lister] We've lost sight of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. And we're fast running out of time. Lister : Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Kryten : No sir, I don't believe it is. Lister : Why? Don't you like her? Kryten : I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is. Lister : Listen, Kryten, I've been thinkin' about this, I've come up with something. Kryten : Yes, sir? Lister : I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life. Kryten : Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise? Lister : Well, If you've got some secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it. Kryten : No plan, sir. No sleeves. Lister : We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone? Cat : Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone. It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand. [Lister is preparing to go into stasis. Rimmer isn't happy about it] Lister : Holly's supposed to have told you. I thought you wouldn't mind. Rimmer : Mind? Mind? Why should I mind? 300,000 millennia alone while you're in suspended animation? I'll be fine. I'll do that crossword puzzle book, that should kill a couple of centuries. Lister : Holly 'll switch you off until you come back out. Rimmer : Even better. Switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery-powered sex aid. Lister : Drop dead Rimmer. Rimmer : Already have done. Lister : Encore. Rimmer : Look, sooner or later, we're gonna have to face the fact that we're not all gonna get out of this in one piece. Or if we are, it's gonna be one big flat piece. Lister : And? Rimmer : It's time we decided who's gonna take the one-man escape pod. Cat : How? Rimmer : Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me! It didn't come out of me again! Lister : Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option. Rimmer : Why not? Lister : It escaped last Thursday. Lister : It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With. Rimmer : What are you talking about? Lister : I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." "Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep." Rimmer : Oh come on, we both got the same benefit. Lister : Yeah. Neither of us got any sleep. [A Psiren is trying to seduce Lister, so she can suck out his brains with a straw] Pete Tranter's Sister : How long has it been since you made love to a woman? Lister : I admit, it's been a while. Pete Tranter's Sister : It's been over three million years, Dave. Lister : I prefer to count it in ice ages, then it's only four. And in leap ice ages, it's barely even one. Rimmer : Is that picture yours? It's rubbish. Lister : It's a mirror. Rimmer : If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people. Lister : OK. We've passed the test now, Rimmer. You can let us out. Rimmer : I can't let you out. Lister : Why not? Rimmer : Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for ten years. Cat : Can we see him? Rimmer : See who? Cat : The king. Rimmer : Do you have a magic carpet? Lister : Yeah. A little three-seater. Lister : [to Rimmer] You're nickname was never, "Ace". Maybe, "Ace-hole". Lister : This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? Cat : You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation. Lister : She'll never leave Fred and we know it. Kryten : Do you described the accused (Rimmer) as a friend? Lister : No, I describe the accused as a git. Kryten : Then who do you think is the person that thinks of him most fondly? Lister : I do. Kryten : Are there no others that share moments of intimacy with him? Lister : Only one, but she's got a puncture. [all the Indian food supplies being destroyed] Lister : Did you hear the news? Cat , Rimmer : We heard. Rimmer : And as a mark of respect we would like to have the minute's flatulence. Kristine Kochanski : [after being affected by the sexual magnetism virus] I don't know what got into me. Lister : Nothing, sadly. [to Hudzen - Kryten's larger, more powerful, scarier replacement] Lister : He's not leaving. You are. [pause] Lister : Did I just say that? Lister : Just do the smegging dance and we'll be out of here in a jiffy. Cat : Dance? With her, I'd have trouble walking. I'm powering up. Rimmer : What are you waiting for? Gloop him. Lister : I can't. He's not armed. Rimmer : Lister, this is not a scout meeting. We are not trying to win Best Behaved Troop Flag. Gloop him. Lister : What? In the back? Rimmer : Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake. Lister : You mean you can happily kill him if he was asleep? Rimmer : I can happily kill him if he was on the job. Rimmer : You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut. Lister : [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech] I'm going back to bed. Rimmer : Would it harm you to have hair like mine? Cat : I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head. Rimmer : Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut. Kryten : Oh, surely not, sir! Rimmer : Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw. Kryten : Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist! Lister : Nothing's gonna happen. We're just doing it as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowing are about one in... [Red Dwarf's engine core explodes and totally destroys the ship] Lister : One. Lister : What are you? A man or a munchkin? Rimmer : I'm off to see the wizard. The wonderful wizard of Oz. Kryten : Sir? May I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy-fodder? This will, of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologize in advance. Rimmer : Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube. Lister : Kryten, sit down. I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing. [Looking out a prison window] Cat : What are those guys doing out there? Lister : They're building something. Cat : What? Lister : Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a sculpture, you know, modern art job, like the kind you get in shopping malls. Cat : What's it made of? Lister : Wood... its sort of an inverted "L" shape in wood. Cat : Does it have a kind of... rope motif? Lister : There is a sort of noosey theme to it, yeah. Lister : I tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle. High Lister : Forgive me, brother. I appear to have stained thy knife-end with my blood. A thousand apologies. [falls over] High Lister : Have I told you today how much I love thee, brother? How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thine beauteous countenance? High Rimmer : Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother. Lister : Someone get behind me. Kryten : I'm going to come around behind you now, sir. Lister : Okay, Kryten, take me by surprise. Kryten : I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, sir. Lister : Get on with it, surprise me. Kryten : You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform. Don't be alarmed. Lister : Surprise me now. Kryten : Here comes my surprise, sir. Kryten : I going to end up on my own again just like I did on the Nova 5. Lister : You killed the crew, Kryten. Lister : Change of plan. LEG IIIIIIIIIT! Lister : Love is what makes us different from animals. Rimmer : No, Lister, what makes us different from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. Rimmer : It's about leadership. That's what I admire. Lister : It's ironic when deep down, you're such a basic natural coward. Rimmer : Coward? Lister : Planet leave, Miranda? That space-bar, the Hacienda? remember that? When that fight started up, Rimmer, you were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite. Rimmer : That was a bar-room brawl. That was a common pub fight, a shambolic, drunken set-to. Lister : Which YOU Started. Rimmer : I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour, I merely voiced it. Lister : To his face. RIGHT to his face, when he was with his four biggest mates. Then you did your Road Runner act and left me to face the music. Rimmer : Everything you ever did, you did to pull me back and annoy me. Lister : Like what? Rimmer : Like using my Mother's photograph as an ashtray. Lister : I didn't know. I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo. Rimmer : Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my engineering finals I went swimming. Lister : The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place. Rimmer : Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly. Lister : That was a joke. Rimmer : Yes, Lister. The same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental Pile Surgery. Kryten : In the normal course of things it would take Starbug several billion years to reach it. Lister : That wouldn't be so bad. Rimmer could finish his risk story. Rimmer : I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way. Holly 2 : I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance. Kryten : Where is it, precisely? Rimmer : Directly above you. 2000 fathoms and diving. Lister : Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have LIED? Rimmer : I WAS lying. It's only 1000 fathoms. Lister : They're just using religion as an excuse to be extremely crappy towards each other. Toaster : So, what else is new? Toaster : What's the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don't like toast? Lister : I do like toast. Toaster : This is my job. This is cruel, just cruel. Lister : Look, I'm busy. Toaster : Oh, you're not busy eating toast are you? Rimmer : I used to be in the Samaritans. Lister : I know. For one morning. Rimmer : I couldn't take any more. Lister : I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores. Rimmer : Oh and how many books have you read in your entire life? The same as Champion the Wonder Horse. Zero. Lister : I've read books. Rimmer : Er, we're not talking books where the main character is a dog called Ben. Lister : I went to art college. Rimmer : You. Lister : Yeah. Rimmer : How did you get into art college? Lister : The normal way you get into art college. The same old usual, boring, normal way you get in. Failed my exams and applied. They snapped me up. [about art college] Lister : They had lectures like first thing in the afternoon. We're talking half past twelve every day. Who's together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste. Holly 1 : Hope they've got some odds and sods on board, we're short of a few supplies. Lister : [drinking tea] Like what? Holly 1 : Cow's milk, ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated. Lister : What kind of milk are we using now? Holly 1 : Emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk. Lister : Dog's milk. Holly 1 : Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other milk, dog's milk. Lister : Why? Holly 1 : No bugger'll drink it. Plus of course the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh. [A letter arrives] Lister : 'Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer'. Rimmer : That's from my mother. Lister : Rear Admiral. Rimmer : Every time I take an exam I tell her I've passed, it's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe. [Rimmer owes the Outland Revenue £8,500] Lister : Relax. It doesn't matter now, they're not gonna catch you now are they? Rimmer : What do you mean? Just 'cause we're three million years into deep space and the human race is extinct. It means nothing to these people. They'll find us. [about his father's death] Lister : She said he was very happy and he had gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. [Rimmer is drunk] Lister : What time is it? Rimmer : [Crawls over to the alarm clock] Saturday. Lister : Is that the best you can do? Rimmer : There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything. [Rimmer is drunk] Rimmer : I want a triple fried egg sandwich with... Lister : With chili sauce and chutney. Holly 1 : You what. Lister : It's a state of the art sarnie. Holly 1 : It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. Alright, okay. [the sarnie appears in Rimmer's hand] Lister : Trust me. [several conflicting emotions cross Rimmer's face] Rimmer : I think I'm having a baby. Lister : It's good init? Rimmer : It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe? Lister : I cant remember. I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare. Rimmer : It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery. [Rimmer is drunk and determined to reveal how many times he's had sex] Rimmer : Once. Lister : Smeg. Rimmer : One time only. Lister : [Covers his ears] Don't tell me this Rimmer. You'll want to kill yourself in the mornin'. Rimmer : Yvonne McGruder. A single brief liaison with the ships female boxing champion. March 16, 7.31p.m to 7.43p.m. Lister : Please. Rimmer : Twelve minutes. Lister : Please. Rimmer : And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza. Lister : Please Rimmer. Rimmer : In my entire life, I've spent more time being sick. Holly 1 : I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway. Lister : What are you trying to say Hol? Holly 1 : What I'm saying Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John. Cat : Why's that? Holly 1 : Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John. Rimmer : If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick? Lister : It depends who was better qualified. [Everyone is drunk] Lister : What are you saying, Rimmer? Rimmer : I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister. Lister : Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here. Rimmer : How many toes have you got? Lister : Ten. Cat : Yeah, on both feet. Lister : Altogether. Kryten : They're not webbed or anything are they? Lister : Look, they weren't related alright. [Kryten falls off his chair] Lister : Kryten 2X4B 523P? Is that your full name? Kryten : Yes, but I don't like the 2X4B. Such a dorky middle name. Then again, I knew an android who's middle name was 2Q4B. Cat : Who is this guy? Lister : Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother and his sister and ended up eating their son. Cat : Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza. John F. Kennedy : But I still have a future here. Jackie left me but when I get out I can still make a contribution to the world. Lister : See this airport, Idlewild Airport? In our reality they renamed it JFK, after you. Where I come from you're a liberal icon and that's the person you should be. But in order to be that person, you're gonna have to sacrifice your life. [A giant squid is approaching Starbug] Lister : We've got two choices. It's gonna think we're either a threat, food or mate. It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we try to persuade it that we're not THAT kind of oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto. [Lister is mocking a hologram who has just insulted the crew] Lister : Lister to Red Dwarf, we have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin, absent presumed missing. Genitalia, small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest whatsoever. Commander Binks : Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human displays knowledge of satire and imitation. With patient tuition, could perhaps master simple tasks. Lister : Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummeling, could be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. Commander Binks : Binks to Enlightenment. The human seems to be under the delusion that he is somehow capable of bestowing physical violence to a hologram. Lister : Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems blissfully unaware that we have a fairly sturdy holowhip in the Munitions cabinet. [Binks looks scared] Lister : And unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better become history in the next two seconds flat. [Rimmer has tried to cook for the crew] Rimmer : The lamb was a bit of a flop, though. Lister : The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese. And that lemon meringue pie, man. What was in that? Rimmer : You liked it, didn't you? You brought some of it back. Lister : Yeah, I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's foot. Lister : I didn't LOSE Red Dwarf. Rimmer : Oh, come on Lister. You were the one who parked it. Lister : I'm NOT the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell them to do something and they jump straight to it. "Yes, Mr Lister Sir, eek, eek, eek." Lister : I'm gonna get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses. Rimmer : ...With a sheep and a cow? Lister : No, with horses and horses. [Rimmer's excited about his 'alien' discovery] Rimmer : Lister are you awake? Lister? [right up to his face] Rimmer : LISTER. Lister : What? Rimmer : Are you awake? Lister : Yeah. Rimmer : Hmm, I couldn't sleep either. Kryten : At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disk will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease. Lister : Then what? Kryten : I don't know, maybe I'll get a job as disk jockey. Lister : What about the time you tied my hair to the bed-post and then sounded the fire alarm? Rimmer : Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it. Lister : I nearly needed brain surgery. Rimmer : What brains? Lister : Holly, we need your advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation? Holly 1 : What do you want? The long or the short version? Lister : Long. Holly 1 : You're finished. [pause] Cat : What's the short version? Holly 1 : Bye. Cat : [Looks through "Futurescope"] Man, this is tragic. This is the saddest thing I've seen in my life. [Takes eyes off the 'scope] Cat : What happened to my butt? Buddy, you can park a plane in that crease. Lister : So what? You're bald and you're fat. That's what happens when you get older. Look at me; just a brain in a jar. Cat : Self, self, self, self self. Lister : I don't know why I'm going through with this. It's just not possible. Rimmer : Why isn't it possible, Listy? Male baboons have been giving birth. They were doing it as far back as the 20th century. Caesarian, naturally. (Imitates a baby been born through caesarian) Still, Listy. You'll be in good hands. The Skutters will look after you. Lister : Skutters? I wouldn't let them open a can of beans. Cat : You're thinking negative. Think of all the glorious and wonderful possibilities about having children. Lister : Like? Cat : Like when they grow up and leave home. Rimmer : What colour is it supposed to turn? Lister : Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's gonna turn. Rimmer : And red for pregnant? Lister : Yeah. Rimmer : Come on, you reds. Rimmer : Killcrazy's insane. He's always coming up with strange ideas. He reckons that if you go to the loo in a plane, it drops straight out. And that's why they don't let you go to the loo while the plane's still standing on the runway... for fear of skid starts. Lister : He's probably right. Rimmer : Course he isn't. Rimmer : Why else wouldn't they let you go, then? Rimmer : I don't know. They're probably helping you break up your journey. If they don't you go to the loo first off, you'll have nothing to do after you've eaten your cheese. Lister : No, Killcrazy's probably right. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap. Rimmer : 'Cos of all the flushing planes? Lister : Yeah. Well, think about it. You can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out, you have to have a washable hat and leg it to your car. Rimmer : It's the noise. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap; 'cos of the noise. Lister : The noise? Rimmer : Yeah. Lister : They're half a mile up. You'll never be able to hear people in the loo from that distance. Not unless you are like my Uncle Dan. Rimmer : If only I hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with. Lister : You defended yourself. Rimmer : Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much. Lister : We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet, or we're dead. Rimmer : Keep him quiet? He's rampaging around the food decks making more noise than two yodeling champions on honeymoon. Everyone on the ship would've heard him by now. Kryten : Sir, the crew are frozen; operating on a different time stream. Now if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no one would be any the wiser. Cat : He's right. I just listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening. Rimmer : What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends. I had everything, and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy. Lister : What are you on about? You had none of that stuff. Rimmer : You're right. I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy. Lister : Have you figured out a way to get us out of here yet, Hol? Holly 1 : I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a loophole in the Prison Regs. And I think I've come up with something which means you can serve you entire two year sentence in just 14 weeks. Lister : Oh, brilliant. What have I gotta do? Holly 1 : Become a dog. Lister : A dog? Holly 1 : According to my data banks, dog years are 7 times shorter than human years. As a plan, you can't fault it on its mathematics. Lister : No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog. Holly 1 : Yeah, but according to a 20th century newspaper called The National Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward. [Lister looks dumbstruck] Holly 1 : A roverostomy, they called it. There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done. [Shows picture of a dog on the front page of a magazine] Lister : That's a dog. Holly 1 : See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled. Lister : Becoming a dog. That is without doubt the most stupidest, crappiest, most pathetic idea you've thought of the whole week. Holly 1 : Give me a chance. It's only Monday. Rimmer : Here's another letter for you. Lister : Who's it from? Rimmer : Petersen. My god, it's tragic. Lister : What? Did he die? Rimmer : Die? Do you think he'd write and tell you? Lister : Yeah, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy planning his funeral and everything. So, go on. What's happened? Rimmer : Something catastrophic. Hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here. Lister : Are you okay? Rimmer : Of course I'm not okay. I hate your guitar. If I'd wanted to share a room with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star. Lister : It's only two years. But with good behaviour, it'll probably be eighteen months. Remember when you're born, and then you're eighteen months? The time just flashed past. Rimmer : It flashed past because you had two breasts as big as your head at your beck and call day and night. Give me that now and I wouldn't be whingeing. Lister : His name's Rimmer, or Smeghead, or Dinosaur Breath or Molecule Mind. And on a special occasion when you wanna be like really mega polite to him, I mean really, really polite, in these exceptional circumstances you can call him... arsehole. Lister : Your explanation for anything even slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up an entire bog roll in one day, you thought that was aliens as well. Rimmer : Well, if we didn't use it Lister, who did? Lister : Rimmer, ALIENS used our bog roll? Rimmer : Just because they're aliens it doesn't mean they don't have to go to the little boy's room. But they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something. Lister : Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema. Rimmer : What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey. Where did you get them? I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates. Lister : Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning. Ace Rimmer : You can't judge a book by its cover. Lister : And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine. Lister : Well, how come Holly knows all the answers to science and space and all that when we ask him? Queeg : He consults a book. Holly 1 : What a slimeball! Queeg : He gets all his answers on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single reference book. Rimmer : What's the book? Queeg : The Junior Encyclopedia of Space. It's the only one he can find which has pictures. Holly 1 : We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. That's right. I am Queeg. Lister , Cat , Rimmer : What? Holly 1 : Queeg never existed. It was me all along. Lister , Cat , Rimmer : WHAT? Holly 1 : A weasel-a-week, mate. Cat : It was a joke? Holly 1 : Going round in circles for 14 months. Getting my information from the Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space. The respect you have for me is awesome, innit? Lister : So you mean you staged the whole thing? Holly 1 : [In Queeg's voice] That's right, suckers. [In his voice] Holly 1 : And the moral of the story is, "appreciate what you've got", because basically I'm fantastic. Lister : Hang on. You can't do this. Holly's got an I.Q. of 6000. Holly 1 : Yeah. Right on. Queeg : Is that what he told you? Lister : Well what is it, then? Queeg : It has a six in it, but it's not 6000. Cat : What is it? Queeg : Six. Holly 1 : Six? Do me a lemon. That's a poor I.Q. for a glass of water. Lister : [about Rimmer] I never wanna see or hear from that scum sucking, lying, weasel minded smeghead in my entire life. Kryten : Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out. Lister : [to Rimmer] You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people committed suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse. Rimmer : Cassandra, I have a question. Cassandra : I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation. Rimmer : So what's the answer? Cassandra : He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth. Lister : What was the question? Rimmer : I just asked how you died. Lister : You what? I didn't wanna know that. Who's bra? Cat : 181? Probably your own. Lister : Come on, though. Taking a bra off with my teeth aged 181. That's a hell of a sexy way to go. Kryten : So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir. Lister : Sir, just suppose... suppose if I had a cat, what would you do with Frankenstein? Captain Hollister : I'd send it down to the medical bay and have it cut up and run tests on it. Lister : Would you put the cat together again? Captain Hollister : Lister, the cat would be dead. Lister : With all due respect sir, what's in it for the cat? Holly 1 : What's happening, dudes? Lister : Bog all. Holly 1 : Wait a minute. I've forgotten what I was gonna say. Rimmer : Well, it can't have been that important then, can it? [the ship is hit by a meteor, forcing the crew onto the floor] Holly 1 : Yeah. That's it. 'Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship'. I knew it'd come back to me. Cat : Thanks for the warning. Lister : Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down. Rimmer : Is this true? Lister : Yeah. The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see. Rimmer : Really? Lister : Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, when shoes are happy that they'd get into heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'. Rimmer : Ah, what a sad story. Wait a minute. [Thinks for a minute] Rimmer : How did they open the car door? Lister : Are you saying I've got a big bum? Rimmer : Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens. Lister : Everywhere I look, it reminds me of food. Look at these books: Charles LAMB, Herman WOK, The Complete Works of Sir Francis BACON, Eric Van Lusbader. Rimmer : Eric Van Lusbader? What's he got to do with food? Lister : VAN. MEAT van, BREAD van, Food. Lister : [Reading Rimmer's letter from his Mum] 'Dear Rimmer... ' [Shocked] Lister : Is this from your Mum? Rimmer : That's Mumsie. Cat : Hey, man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat. Lister : Rimmer's Dad's died. Cat : Well, I'd prefer chicken. [the crew are celebrating the anniversary of Rimmer's death] Lister : And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake. Holly 1 : What's that, then? Lister : It's shaped like a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician. Holly 1 : That's very apt, that is. If he'd have been a postman, you would have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose? Lister : Yeah. Holly 1 : Gordon Bennet. It's lucky he's not a gynecologist. Cat : What is this place? Lister : This is the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that creates Rimmer. Cat : Have we come to blow this room up? [On the two fighters tracking Red Dwarf] Holly 1 : They're from Earth. Lister : That's 3 million years away. Holly 1 : They're from the Norweb Federation. Lister : What's that? Holly 1 : The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave. Lister : Me? Why? What for? Holly 1 : For your crimes against humanity. Lister : You what? Holly 1 : It seems when you left Earth, 3 million years ago, you left 2 half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for 3 million years? Lister : Yeah, they go mouldy. Holly 1 : Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eights of the Earth's surface. Also, you left £17.50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb. Lister : Why Norweb? Holly 1 : You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for £180 billion. Lister : £180 billion? You're kidding? Holly 1 : (Wearing a silly face mask) April fool. [after seeing the three female officers in distress] Rimmer : Tell them we're coming aboard. By God. We'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer. Kryten : Thank you, Captain. [Communication ends] Lister : 'Space Adventurer'? Rimmer : What am I supposed to say? 'Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine. Actually we know sod all about space travel, but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads.' That'll fill them with confidence, won't it? Rimmer : It's always the same when we meet girls. Put me down and make yourself look good. Lister : Like when? Rimmer : Remember those 2 little brunettes from Supplies? I told them I worked in Stores and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there. Lister : And I said you were a shelf. Rimmer : Exactly. And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo, and you said, 'Ooh, he's taking you home to meet his Mum already.' Lister : So? They laughed. Rimmer : Yes, at me. At my expense. [Rimmer, Lister and the Cat have discovered that the female officers are dead, and have been for 3 million years] Lister : Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or the place to say this, but my mate Ace here is incredibly, incredibly brave. Rimmer : Smeg off, dogfood face. Lister : And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends. Rimmer : I'm warning you, Lister. Holly 1 : What's happening, dudes? Lister : Hi, Hol. Holly 1 : Guess what? Rimmer : What? Holly 1 : Go on. Have a guess. Rimmer : What is it vaguely about? Holly 1 : No clues. Just have a guess. [Lister and Rimmer look puzzled] Holly 1 : I knew you wouldn't get it. The Post Pod's arrived. Rimmer : What? The mail? Holly 1 : It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round, it's caught up. Lister : Do you mean it's taken three million years? Holly 1 : Yeah. Just about average for second class post. Lister : It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us. Lister : Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again. Rimmer : Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of narrow margins. Lister : You what? You walked in there, wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted. Captain Hollister : Just one thing before the disco. Holly tells me that he has sensed a non-human life form aboard. Lister : Sir, it's Rimmer. Holly 1 : We're traveling faster than LS. Lister : What's LS? Toaster : Light Speed. Lister : Smartarse. Lister : What about Kristine Kochanski? You could have brought Kristine back. Holly 1 : In your entire life, you shared conversation with her totalled 173 words. Lister : So? Holly 1 : In terms of wordage, you actually had a better relationship with your rubber plant. Holly 1 : Jean-Paul Sartre said, 'Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends'. Lister : Holly, all his mates were French. Rimmer : You've got no right to go through my wardrobe. Lister : Ok, ok. [Starts laughing] Lister : You keep your underpants on coat hangers, don't you? Lister : I am your God. Cat : Ok. [Points at his bowl of Crispies] Cat : Turn this into a woman. Lister : I'm Serious. Cat : So am I. Kryten : I presume you heard the news about Ms. Kochanski. Lister : What news? Kryten : You haven't heard? Lister : Heard what? Kryten : The news. Lister : What news? Kryten : You haven't heard the news? Lister : Heard what news? Kryten : About Ms. Kochanksi. Lister : What about Ms. Kochanski? Kryten : About Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim. Lister : What about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? Kryten : I can't believe you don't know. Lister : Know what? Kryten : No one told you? Lister : Told me what? Kryten : You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? Lister : What news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? Kryten : I can't believe it. Lister : Believe what? Kryten : I'm so traumatized that no-one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, hideously appaling news. I don't think I can even speak now. Lister : [Holds Kryten by the neck] Kryten, there's a 200ft drop down there, now tell me the news. Kryten : She's being Tim again. Lister : What? [Rimmer is a hologram] Rimmer : You've got to be my hands and my touch. Lister : I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it. MP Thornton : David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing the Starbug. You're also charged with having no pilot's licence and smuggling two stowaways on board with Navigational Officer Kristine Kochanski. Anything you do say now, or do not say now, may be used in a Board of Enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid? Lister : Yeah. Lemonade and a really large scotch. Cat : What the hell is all this down my chair? Peanuts? Lister : No, I've been trimming my veruccas. Cat : You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush. Lister : You really think I'm that psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK? Cat : Real peanuts? Lister : Yeah. Cat : [Eats the peanuts] Where'd you get them? Lister : I got them a couple of months back. I found them in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket. [Cat feels sick] Lister : Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that Mint Imperial, didn't you? Cat : [Nods] Where did you get that? Lister : He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack. Lister : I'm just saying there's 79 more days to go. Kryten : If you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose. Lister : Do you mind if I ask why? Kryten : Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound and go straight to the really gross part where you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose, have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape, perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet? Inquisitor : Well, get out of this one, smeghead. Lister : What are you talking about? Inquisitor : You know what you could've made of your life if you tried; what you could have become. Lister : So? Inquisitor : You've got brains, man. Brains you've never used before. Lister : So? Inquisitor : So justify yourself. Lister : Spin on it. Lister : Rimmer, why is Ghandi outside practicing hand-to-hand combat with Mother Theresa? Rimmer : Have we got any chance of us winning? Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded, sir. We have no chance whatsoever. Rimmer : Then I say fight! Kryten: Mr Rimmer? Rimmer : Better dead than smeg! Lister : Yes! Cat? Cat : Better anything than sofa-sized butt! Lister : Kryten? Kryten: Better anything than that toupee! [Lister has been attacked by a "Polymorph"] Kryten : It's a sort of emotional vampire. It changes shape to provoke a negative emotion. In Lister's case it took him to the very limit of his terror, then sucked out his fear. Rimmer : So now Lister's got no sense of fear? Kryten : Precisely. Rimmer : What are we going to do? Lister : [Wakes up] Well I say let's get out there and twat it! Rimmer : Lister, you're ill! Just relax and leave this to us! Lister : I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it, you saw it, it took me by surprise! Rimmer : Lister, it turned into an 8 foot tall, armour-plated alien killing machine. Lister : Why is it we never meet anyone nice? Cat : Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight? Lister : There's gotta be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using rope weaved from strands of this hessian, we can create a pulley system, so that when a guard comes in over the tripwire, he gets laid out and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords and fight our way back to the Bug. Kryten : Or we could use the teleporter. Rimmer : You took your time. Where've you been? Lister : I was in the AR machine. Rimmer : Again? Lister : What do you mean again? Rimmer : Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex. Lister : That is not true. Rimmer : Yes, true! It's pathetic watching you grind away on your own! Day after day after day, you're like a dog that's missing it's master's leg! That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee. You've worn it out nearly three weeks. Lister : That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of libel. I don't just play the roleplay games. What about the sporting simulations like Zero-Gee kickboxing or Wimbledon? Rimmer : You only play Wimbledon because you're having it off with that jailbait ballgirl. Lister : That is another total lie! She's not jailbait, she's 17. Rimmer : Lister, she's just a computer sprite. Surely that's the point. She's just a load of pixels. Lister : Yeah, but what pixels. [Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids] Lister : How many survived? Rimmer : Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, round about: none of them. Lister : So you wiped out the entire population of this planet? Rimmer : You make it sound so negative Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished. Lister : No it isn't pal, you're still here! Lister : [Lister, after 200 years in hypersleep has forgotten who he is. Kryten has been helping Lister remember] Is there something good you can tell me about myself? Something laudable? Kryten : Laudable? Hmm, you sometimes help me with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside out and extending the wear time by three weeks. Lister : I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless, uncouth, mindless, tone-deaf, randy, blokish, semi-literate space bum! Kryten : Ahh... welcome back Mr. Lister sir! [A Psiren is trying to seduce Lister by appearing as an old crush] Pete Tranter's Sister : You want to squeeze my buttocks together, to form one juicy peach. Lister : Okay, I get it. You're trying to make me drown in my own drool? Movie Title: Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998) as Dave Lister: Kryten 2X4B 523P : This is Mr Harriot Sir. Dave Lister : I bet you got ribbed about that at school? 20th Century Television Chef : Ribbed about what? Dave Lister : You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH? 20th Century Television Chef : What are you going on about? Kryten 2X4B 523P : I think what Mr Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for 'AssHole'. Ass-Hole, AH, Asshole. Kristine Kochanski : I'm sorry guys but I'm afraid I won't be tasting anything today. It was only last week that I ate a stick of celery and look what it's done. Look at my bum, it's massive. [Lister bends to closely exam Kochanski's bum] Kristine Kochanski : Look at it, my it looks like two hunchbacks arm-wrestling under a rug. Oh dear god it's almost as big as an Americans. Any bigger and it'll need a fire escape. Come on tell me what do you think. Dave Lister : Well I don't really want to make a rush decision just give me a couple more hours. [Kochanski turns and punches Lister] 20th Century Television Chef : I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Ok boys lets see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight. Arnold Judas Rimmer : Well we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil. Dave Lister : We got some wine made from urine recyc. Arnold Judas Rimmer : Ah! The 52 an excellent year, very smooth. No after taste or hairloss. Dave Lister : But I don't suppose that'd bother you would it? [Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald] Kryten 2X4B 523P : Also we have a Mimian Bladder Fish, Sir. Cat : I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut! Dave Lister : We've got an insole... Kryten 2X4B 523P : Er... a Pot Noodle. Dave Lister : Caroline Carmen's Ear. 20th Century Television Chef : That is totally unhygenic! Dave Lister : No, No, its been kept in the fridge! 20th Century Television Chef : [Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever it is, mimian trout and yeah your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking! |
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