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 Jeff Anderson Quotation(How he got the role in Randal from "Clerks"): "I knew Kevin from high school. We graduated the same year. After high school, Kevin used to work in the video store from Clerks, which is just as dismal in real life as it is on film, therefore it was a great place to rent videos because nobody would go there. Kevin was an awesome video employee. He was the anti-Randal, never charged late fees and always had a recommendation for good flicks to rent. It was my coming to the video store, which eventually got me the role as Randal. He'd be pecking away at the script for Clerks while he worked and we would talk about it and when he was finally holding auditions, he invited me down to watch. I watched the auditions, which were less than stellar, then got up and did my own less than stellar audition. Somehow, Kevin saw something he liked in it and came to my house a few nights later and read me for Randal." (On his first screenplay "Now You Know"): "I pretty much wrote it in my spare time. I never really said, "Okay, I'm going to write a movie now." I was just kinda screwing around." Movie Title: The Flying Car (2002) as Randal: [sitting in traffic] Randal : It's times like this it occurs to me that we were lied to by "The Jetsons." Dante : What are you talking about? Randal : According to that show we were suppose to be tooling around in flying cars by now. You see any flying cars lately? That's the problem with TV, it always lies to us. Dante : Yeah, well most of us rational thinkers weren't banking on a cartoon to offer us a viable glimpse into the future of technological development. Randal : Kennedy, all right JFK himself. When he was in office, he stood before the world and promised them a man on the moon within 10 years. Thing is nobody had started working on a space program at that point. JFK had no data to back up his claims, no inside into the practicality of space travel. But you know what he had? Dante : Marilyn Monroe. Dante : Ok, I'll trade my left foot for the flying car. Randal : Why your left foot? Dante : Oh, it's got an ingrown toenail. Dante : All right! I'll go through with the deal. I'll let the German scientist hack my foot off. Then him and his friends can have their way with me. All for the flying car. Randal : You would do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car? I thought I knew you man. Randal : Need I remind you this is for the flying car? Dante : It ain't worth it. Randal : See? You're what's wrong with this country, hell, with this world. You're always thinking about you're own comfort level, never thinking about the rest of us. This country was built on sacrifice and nearly thirty years of living a life full of selfish foot pampering and inter-gender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your hat over the wall for the good of mankind. And what's worse is; not only do you ruin it for the rest of us with the flying car, but you completely blow the notion of American nobility in the process. The children of the world have no heroic figure to emulate, so the future of mankind continues on it's downward spiral into entropy and mass extinction, until all that was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial stew, to which we'll most certainly return, thanks to you and your refusal to reach for the stars. And you'll forever be remembered as the sad footnote in the book of life, the wimpy little scumbag who could have breached the chasm of becoming and being, but instead opted to cover his own ass and foot in the process. Dante : ALRIGHT! I'll go through with the deal. I'll let the German scientist hack my foot off, then him and his friends can have their way with me, all for the flying car. Randal : You'd do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car? I thought I knew you man. Randal : Are you saying you wouldnt cut off your foot for the flying car? You are that selfish? Dante : Its my foot how am I supposed to walk? Randal : Why Walk? You'll have the Flying Car! Randal : Listen to you. The guy is offering you the fire from Olympus that is the flying car and you trade him a bum foot? Randal : So you *want* the local? Dante : Who am I, the Marquis DeSade? YES, I want the local! Randal : Alright... Dante : What'd you say it like that for? Randal : Eh, it's just a local that knocks you out and while you're out he diddles your peenie. Dante : Oh come on! Randal : Hey men, *you* made the deal! Dante : To trade my foot for the flying car, not to be tortured and molested by some insane German scientist! Randal : And his friends. Dante : What? Randal : Just when he's done with you, he gives his friends a shot at you too. Dante : Deal's off! Movie Title: Dogma (1999) as Gun Salesman: Gun Salesman : We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on. Loki : Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this... Bartleby : Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like. Loki : Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work. Bartleby : What work did you do? You lit a few fires. Loki : I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference. Bartleby : Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Loki : Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. Movie Title: Clerks (2000) as Randal Graves: Randal Graves : Show us on the doll where they touched you. Dante Hicks : Nobody touched me. Randal Graves : Who was it? There's no more running from your past. Who touched you? Dante Hicks : I hate you. Randal Graves : State your name and latest film. George Lucas : George Lucas, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Randal Graves : And, do you think Phantom Menace is as good a movie as Empire? George Lucas : Well, certainly, I, uh, think it's the best movie I've made yet. Randal Graves : Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars, Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy? George Lucas : Uh, well, my... my kids thought... Randal Graves : And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains Obi-Wan? George Lucas : Uh, well, the power of myth... Randal Graves : Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but kept telling people it was done for years? Lawyer: Objection, your honor. The pod race was pretty cool. Randal Graves : Why the hell is he called Silent Bob, anyway? Randal Graves : I can't believe I married two guys in one year. Leonardo Leonardo : I want to offer you a job working here - for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel. Randal Graves : Is this some sort of gay thing? Leonardo Leonardo : No. Randal Graves : You're sure? Leonardo Leonardo : Yyyyyyyyyyyes. British Man: [asking for cigarettes] Pack of fags. Randal Graves : You're a fag. British Man: It's a cigarette, mate. Randal Graves : I'm not your mate, fag. Randal Graves : They used to call me "Sexy Randal The Pharaoh Wizard". Walt : You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are going to have a sleepover after the fair at my mom's house. Randal Graves : Would you two stop it with the sleepovers already. You're in your mid-twenties for God's sake. Walt : You're just jealous that me and Steve-Dave are going to do bodypainting at the sleepover too, and play naked robber. [Steve-Dave, Randal, and Dante's eyes bug out] Steve-Dave : Uh, I'll have you know that naked robber was one of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite party games. Dante Hicks : Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" REALLY meant. Right, "mate"? Randal Graves : You're a fag. Dante Hicks : No, a fag's a cigarette, remember? Randal Graves : You're a cigarette. [after making Jay fall down for the second time in fifteen seconds] Randal Graves : Classic. I could do this for hours. Randal Graves : The weed of crime bears bitter fruit you old hag. Randal Graves : See, I scared him. He's shaking. Dante Hicks : No, he's masturbating. Randal Graves : Yeah, but it's out of fear. Leonardo Leonardo : For far too long, the Quik Stop has been a home for rampant overcharging and poorly educated, rude clerks... Dante Hicks : You don't suppose he's talking about us? Randal Graves : Naw. Leonardo Leonardo : ...with names like Dante and Handal... Randal Graves : It's RANDAL. Randal Graves : Yikes. Just yikes. Dante Hicks : Do you think they're cognizant of just how bad they've got it? Randal Graves : I hope not. Dante Hicks : I'm going to send Caitlynn some flowers. Loan me some money. Randal Graves : Ah ah ah. First, you gotta press ham to glass. Conehead 1: Yikes. Just yikes. Conehead 2: Do you think they're cognizant of just how bad they've got it? Conehead 1: I hope not. Dante Hicks : This isn't a TV show. Randal Graves : Now who's being naive? [following a long series of dream sequences] Randal Graves : Hey wait. Are you the biggest idiot ever? Dante Hicks : No, you are. Randal Graves : Okay then, this isn't a dream. Randal Graves : And the lightsaber, you turn it on and it goes yea-high. How does it know when to stop? Dante Hicks : The Force? Randal Graves : Man, that's your answer for everything. [After he fails to throw a can in the trashcan] Randal Graves : That's weird, I could have sworn I got game. Randal Graves : What are YOU doing here? Dante Hicks : Apparently, someone told the boss I needed more hours for college credit. Randal Graves : Wasn't me. Dante Hicks : I didn't say it was you. Randal Graves : Good, 'cause I... Okay, it was me. Jay : Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we quit. Randal Graves : You don't work here. Jay : And we don't anymore. We'll now be hanging out in front of the Quicker Stop across the street. (they walk over to the Quicker Stop) We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us. Dante Hicks : Ok. Dante Hicks : You threatened the President? Randal Graves : Not today. Woman with grocery bag: It's Ted Danson. Woman with stroller: Hey, it's Ted Danson. Dante Hicks : Hey, it's Ted Danson... Randal Graves : It's payback time. [throws a soda at Ted Danson] Randal Graves : Get the hell out, Scorsese. Dante Hicks : Screw you, Miss Hepburn. Randal Graves : Up yours, Matt Damon. Dante Hicks : Wow. A new Pet Store. Shall we check out the monkey? Randal Graves : I guess we should... if we're going to kill it. Dante Hicks : What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad? Randal Graves : Man. Didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba Virus. Dante Hicks : That was a movie. This is real life. Randal Graves : We said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids. Dante Hicks : Because you refused to sit on the toilet. Randal Graves : Sharks swim in water. There's water in the toilet. I rest my case. Dante Hicks : Sharks only swim in salt water. Randal Graves : I have salt water in my toilet. Dante Hicks : You're so naive. Dante Hicks : You thinking what I'm thinking? Randal Graves : Urinating on the frozen food section and watching it steam up? Oh yeah. Dante Hicks : Oh, Caitlin... Randal Graves : Caitlin, schmaitlin. She left you an obsessed wreck of a man who works below minimum wage in a convenience store. Dante Hicks : You work here too. Randal Graves : At least I have my dignity. And tapes of you having sex with Caitlin. Randal Graves : Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo? Reporter: [on TV] "Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?" It is a question asked by the poorly educated, whose fingers lie far from the pulse of this little community. Randal Graves : *You're* poorly educated. Dante Hicks : You're talking... to the television. Randal Graves : [a la "Cheers"] "Clerks" is drawn by a live studio audience. Randal Graves : Wanna go catch a movie tonight? Dante Hicks : Can't. Randal Graves : Going out to eat with your folks? Dante Hicks : Nope. Randal Graves : Someone die? Dante Hicks : Nope. Randal Graves : Gonna kill your folks? Dante Hicks : God, no. Did it ever occur to you that I might have a date? Randal Graves : Ewww. With your folks? Woman Customer: I have been waiting here for two hours. Open up the video store. Randal Graves : In a minute, ya harpie. [Randal has not disposed of a box of rotten burritos] Dante Hicks : Could you please get them out of here? They're stinking up the place. Randal Graves : I just hope no one ever says that about your parents. [Randal has a box of rotten burritos] Leonardo Leonardo : What the devil are those? Randal Graves : Descreeto Burritos. Leonardo Leonardo : Why are they steaming and reeking? Randal Graves : They're the expensive kind. Leonardo Leonardo : I must have them. [Dante is on trial] Randal Graves : Mr. Hicks, in sixth grade, did you or did you not urinate all over the boys' bathroom floor? Dante Hicks : That was you! Randal Graves : Yes or no! Dante Hicks : No! Randal Graves : I might remind you that you're under oath. Dante Hicks : No, it was you. Randal Graves : Your Honor, strike that from the record. Randal Graves : The Matrix is telling my brain that this is turkey jerky. [Randal is going to defend Dante at his trial] Dante Hicks : What are you doing? You're gonna get us both sent to jail! Randal Graves : In Virginia, anyone who passes the bar can be a lawyer. Dante Hicks : You haven't passed the bar! And this isn't Virginia! Randal Graves : They don't know that! Lawyer: Your Honor, may I point out that this man is not a lawyer, and we are relatively sure this is not Virginia. Randal Graves : Your Honor, may *I* point out that I've seen all of your movies, including "Zandalee" and "Vice Versa." Judge Reinhold : I'm going to allow it. Randal Graves : At this point, I'd like to point out that neither my client nor myself recognize this court's authority. Judge Reinhold : Very well. Movie Title: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) as Randal Graves: [regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie] Randal Graves : That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans." Dante Hicks : I can't believe Judi Dench played me. Randal Graves : Remind me to renew that restraining order. Dante Hicks : Why? Randal Graves : Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight. Randal Graves : See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea. Randal Graves : See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us. Movie Title: Clerks. (1994) as Randal Graves: Randal Graves : Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement. Caitlin Bree : Can I use the bathroom? Randal Graves : Sure, but there's no light back there. Caitlin Bree : Why arn't there any lights? Randal Graves : Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store. Caitlin Bree : Such a sordid state of affairs. Randal Graves : And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on. Caitlin Bree : Well, I'll try to manage. Randal Graves : Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal. Cat Admiring Bitter Customer : Cute cat. What's his name? Randal Graves : Annoying customer. Cat Admiring Bitter Customer : [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead. Randal Graves : My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad. Dante Hicks : It wasn't me. Caitlin Bree : [scoffs] Yeah, right. Who was it? Randal? Dante Hicks : [to Randal] Was it you? Randal Graves : I was up here the whole time. Caitlin Bree : You two better quit it. Dante Hicks : I'm serious. Caitlin Bree : So, we didn't jus have sex in the bathroom? Dante Hicks : No. Caitlin Bree : Stop it. This isn't funny. Dante Hicks : I'm not kidding. I just came in from outside. Caitlin Bree : This isn't fucking funny Dante! Dante Hicks : I'm not fooling around! [to Randal] Dante Hicks : Who went back there? Randal Graves : Nobody, I swear! Caitlin Bree : I feel nauseous. Dante Hicks : Are you sure there's somebody back there? Caitlin Bree : Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick! Randal Graves : You just fucked a total stranger? Dante Hicks : Shut the fuck up! Caitlin Bree : I can't belive this... Dante Hicks : Call the police! Caitlin Bree : No, don't! Randal Graves : Why? Dante Hicks : Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin! Randal Graves : But she said that she did all the work. Dante Hicks : Would you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom? Dante Hicks : Hey, whatcha rent? [reads the cover to Randal's videotape] Dante Hicks : "Best of Both Worlds"? Randal Graves : Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame. Dante Hicks : And you rented this? Randal Graves : Hey, I like to expand my horizons. Randal Graves : So your argument is that title dictates behavior? Dante Hicks : What? Randal Graves : The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right? Dante Hicks : Exactly. Tabloid Reading Customer : I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy shit. Randal Graves : So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia? Dante Hicks : That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything. Randal Graves : Not yet. [takes a drink of water] Tabloid Reading Customer : And I remember this one time the damn paper said... [Randal spits water at him] Tabloid Reading Customer : I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off! Dante Hicks : Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean it! He meant to hit me. Tabloid Reading Customer : Well, he missed! Dante Hicks : I know. I'm sorry. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even. Tabloid Reading Customer : I'll never come in here again. [to Randal] Tabloid Reading Customer : And if I ever see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open! [Randal salutes him, customer leaves] Dante Hicks : What'd you do that for? Randal Graves : Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines. Dante Hicks : Jesus! Randal Graves : And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed? [Dante gives Randal his car keys] Dante Hicks : You're a danger to both the dead and the living. Randal Graves : I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny. Dante Hicks : Please, get the hell out of here. Randal Graves : Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero. Dante Hicks : You know what the real tragedy of this day is? I'm not even supposed to be here today! Randal Graves : Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! There you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt about it with his present girlfriend? You want someone to blame for today? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here under your own volition. You like to think that the weight of the world rests on Dante's shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Christ, you overcompensate for what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic and important than it really is. You work at a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work at a shitty video store, badly as well. That guy Jay's got it right, man. He's got no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to think that we're so much more advanced than the people that come in here everyday to buy paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here? [last line] Randal Graves : You're closed! Randal Graves : Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"? Dante Hicks : "Empire". Randal Graves : Blasphemy! Dante Hicks : "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets. Dante Hicks : You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie. Randal Graves : [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour? Dante Hicks : What's a jizz-mopper? Randal Graves : He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off. Dante Hicks : Nudie booth? Randal Graves : Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth? Dante Hicks : I guess not. Randal Graves : Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks. Dante Hicks : What kinda show? [Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels] Randal Graves : They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening. Dante Hicks : Could we not talk about this right now? Randal Graves : The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away. Offended Customer : I will never come to this place again! Dante Hicks : I'm sorry? Offended Customer : Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired! Dante Hicks : I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away. Offended Customer : I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me. Randal Graves : Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from porn mag] Randal Graves : I think you can see her kidneys! Randal Graves : You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store. Dante Hicks : Which ones? Randal Graves : All of them. [a series of vignettes] Bed Wetting Dad : What would you get for a six-year-old who chronically wets his bed? Video Confusion Customer : So, do you have any new releases in? [zoom out to see a huge sign that says "NEW RELEASES" directly above her] Low I.Q. Video Customer : Do you have that one with that guy who was in the movie that was out last year? Randal Graves : They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the rack. Low I.Q. Video Customer : OOOOH! NAVY SEALS! Randal Graves : It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. that's less than their shoe size. Dante Hicks : You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get. [more vignettes] Cold Coffee Lover : What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot? Candy Confusion Customer : So how much is this thing anyway? [zoom out to see a huge "EVERYTHING ONLY 99¢" sign behind her] Hubcap Searching Customer : Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine! Indecisive Video Customer : They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good? [Randal ignores her] Randal Graves : What? Indecisive Video Customer : Are either one of these any good? Randal Graves : I don't watch movies. Indecisive Video Customer : Well, have you heard anything about either one of them? Randal Graves : I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs. Indecisive Video Customer : You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these? Randal Graves : Nope. Indecisive Video Customer : [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two? Randal Graves : Oh, they suck. Indecisive Video Customer : These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention! Randal Graves : No, I wasn't. Indecisive Video Customer : I don't think your manager would appreciate... Randal Graves : I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. Indecisive Video Customer : I beg your pardon? Randal Graves : Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me. Indecisive Video Customer : I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying! Randal Graves : And, I hope it feels good. Indecisive Video Customer : You hope WHAT feels good? Randal Graves : I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? Indecisive Video Customer : Well, this is the last time I rent here! Randal Graves : You'll be missed. Indecisive Video Customer : Screw you! [leaves] Randal Graves : [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore! Randal Graves : People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom." Randal Graves : This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. Dante Hicks : But you hate people. Randal Graves : Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic? [Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter] 'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : Excuse me, do you sell videos? Randal Graves : Yeah, what're you looking for? 'Happy-Scrappy' Kid : Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. Randal Graves : Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again? 'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. 'Happy-Scrappy' Kid : Happy Scrappy... 'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : She loves it. Randal Graves : Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again? Sanford : Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade. Dante Hicks : If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one. Sanford : So? Dante Hicks : So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades? Sanford : What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker? Dante Hicks : Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks. Sanford : Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey! Randal Graves : He's blunt, but he's got a point. Dante Hicks : Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here? Sanford : No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink. Randal Graves : He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade. Sanford : Fuckin' A! Dante Hicks : All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy! Dante Hicks : Embolism in a pool, what an embarrassing way to die. Randal Graves : That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died. Dante Hicks : How did he go? Randal Graves : He broke his neck. Dante Hicks : You call that embarrassing? Randal Graves : He broke his neck while trying to suck his own dick! Blue Collar Man : Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you talking about? Randal Graves : The ending of "Return of the Jedi." Dante Hicks : We're talking about whether any independent contractors working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when the rebels destroyed it. Dante Hicks : Somebody put gum in the locks. Randal Graves : Buncha savages in this town. Dante Hicks : That's what I said. Sanford : Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major. Randal Graves : Design major. Dante Hicks : Can we not talk about this right now? Sanford : Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker! Dante Hicks : No. I have to leave early to pick up Caitlin. In which case, you're going to have to lock up the store tonight. Randal Graves : All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks! Randal Graves : Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. What the hell's you're problem? Dante Hicks : This life. Randal Graves : This life? Dante Hicks : Why do I have this life? Randal Graves : Have some chips, you'll feel better. Dante Hicks : I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has suck 36 dicks. Randal Graves : 37 [Randall is watching hermaphroditic porn] Caitlin Bree : What are you watching? Randal Graves : Children's programming. Randal Graves : Listen to you, you're so repressed. Dante Hicks : What? Because I never tried to suck my own dick? Randal Graves : Some guy came into the store refusing to pay late fees. Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership. Dante Hicks : Shocking abuse of authority. Randal Graves : Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule. [on his past relationship with Caitlin] Dante Hicks : She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party. Randal Graves : Oh my God. Dante Hicks : Great story, huh? Randal Graves : That girl was vile to you. Dante Hicks : Interesting post script to that story - you know who wound up with Brad in that dark bedroom? Randal Graves : Your mother? Dante Hicks : Alan Harris. Randal Graves : Chess team Alan Harris? Dante Hicks : The two moved to Idaho shortly after graduation. They raise sheep. Randal Graves : That's frightening. Dante Hicks : Takes different strokes to move the world. Randal Graves : In light of this, I don't see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles. Randal Graves : Fine then, just let me borrow your car. Dante Hicks : What for? Randal Graves : I want to go rent a movie. What was that? Dante Hicks : You work at a video store! Randal Graves : I work at a shitty video store! I want to go to a good video store and get a good movie! Randal Graves : Do you know what I just watched? Dante Hicks : Me pulling a can off some moron's fist? Randal Graves : Return of the Jedi. [Randal has a sign that says "I EAT COCK"] Dante Hicks : Who eats cock? Randal Graves : Bunch of savages in this town. Randal Graves : Hey, you and I have something in common - we both eat Chinese. Caitlin Bree : Dick. Randal Graves : Exactly. Randal Graves : Why don't you join her and make a little bathroom bam bam? Dante Hicks : I love your sex talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee". Randal Graves : Fuck you. Dante Hicks : Just go. Just go open the video store. Jay : Yeah! Go open the video store! Randal Graves : Shut the fuck up, junkie. Randal Graves : What did your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore? Caitlin Bree : She said not to come home until graduation. Randal Graves : Wow, you got thrown out for Dante? Caitlin Bree : What can I say? He does weird things to me. Randal Graves : Can I watch? Caitlin Bree : You can hold me down. Randal Graves : Can I join in? Caitlin Bree : You might be let down. I'm not a hermaphrodite. Randal Graves : Hey, few are. #812 Wynarski : Hey kid, you seen a set keys around here? Randal Graves : No time for love, Doctor Jones! #812 Wynarski : Fuckin' kids! Randal Graves : This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on. Coroner : Actually, I once had to tag a kid who broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his own penis. [Randal sorowfully looks down, remembering his cousin Walter] [Randal tries to open the locked door to the video store] Dental School Video Customer : Guy ain't here yet. Randal Graves : You're kidding? It's almost 11:30. Dental School Video Customer : I know. I've been here since eleven. Randal Graves : Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos! Dental School Video Customer : I would have gone to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right there on that wall. Randal Graves : Really, which one? Dental School Video Customer : Dental School. Randal Graves : You came for that one, too? That's the movie I came here for. Dental School Video Customer : I have first dibs. Randal Graves : Says who? Dental School Video Customer : Says me. I've been here for a half-hour. I'd call that first dibs. Randal Graves : It ain't going to happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie. Dental School Video Customer : Like hell you are. Randal Graves : I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape. Dental School Video Customer : 20 bucks? Randal Graves : 20 bucks. Dental School Video Customer : All right, asshole, you're on. Dante Hicks : You going to close the video store? Randal Graves : Look who you're asking? |
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