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 Tony Randall Quotation"Compassion is a luxury of the affluent." "Comedy's a serious business. You've got to be true and funny, and not look as though you're trying." Movie Title: Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990) as Brain Gremlin: Grandpa Fred : [interviewing Brain Gremlin] Creature what is it that you want? Brain Gremlin : Fred, what we want is, I think, what everyone wants, and what you and your viewers have: civilization. Grandpa Fred : Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of? Brain Gremlin : The niceties, Fred. The fine points: diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition... that's what we're reaching toward. Oh, we may stumble along the way, but civilization, yes. The Geneva Convention, chamber music, Susan Sontag. Everything your society has worked so hard to accomplish over the centuries, that's what we aspire to; we want to be civilized. [A Gremlin with a beanie cap acts goofy next to Brain] Brain Gremlin : You take a look at this fellow here. [Brain shoots the Gremlin in the head. The Gremlins in the bar laugh. Grandpa Fred and Kujitsu leave] Brain Gremlin : Now, was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no sense civilized. Now, bear in mind, none of us has been in New York before. There are the Broadway shows - we'll have to find out how to get tickets. There's also a lot of street crime, but I believe we can watch that for free. We want the essentials. Dinettes. Complete bedroom groups. Convenient credit, even though we've been turned down in the past. Movie Title: Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? (1957) as Rock Hunter / Rockwell Hunter: Rock Hunter : That's right Sweetie, I'm president of Rita Marlowe Productions, Incorporated, but Miss Marlowe is the titular head. Rockwell Hunter : I'm not a failure. I'm the largest success there is. I'm an average guy. And all us average guys are successes. We run the works! Not the big guy behind the big desk! Movie Title: 7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964) as Dr. Lao: Dr. Lao : My specialty is wisdom. Do you know what wisdom is? Mike : No sir. Dr. Lao : Wise answer. Dr. Lao : The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it. [An evening heart-to-heart between Dr. Lao and Mike] Dr. Lao : Mike, let me tell you something. The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it. The way the sun goes down when you're tired, comes up when you want to be on the move. That's real magic. The way a leaf grows. The song of the birds. The way the desert looks at night, with the moon embracing it. Oh, my boy, that's... that's circus enough for anyone. Every time you watch a rainbow and feel wonder in your heart. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand. Every time you stop and think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic!" Every time such a thing happens, you're part of the Circus of Dr. Lao. [last lines] Dr. Lao : Mike, the whole world is a circus if you look at it the right way. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand, every time you stop and think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic!" Every time such a thing happens, Mike, you are part of the Circus of Dr. Lao. Dr. Lao : Every time you pick up a grain of sand you hold a universe in the palm of your hand. Dr. Lao : Tomorrow will be like today, and the day after tomorrow will be like the day before yesterday. I see your remaining days as a tedious collection of hours full of useless vanities. You will think no new thoughts. You will forget what little you have known. Older you will become, but not wiser. Stiffer, but not more dignified. Childless you are, and childless you will remain. Of that suppleness you once commanded in your youth, of that strange simplicity which once attracted men to you, neither endures, nor shall you recapture them. Mrs. Cassin : You're a mean, ugly man! Dr. Lao : Mirrors are often ugly and mean. When you die, you will be buried and forgotten, and that is all. And for all the good or evil, creation or destruction, your living might have accomplished, you might just as well never have lived at all. Dr. Lao : This is the circus of Dr. Lao. We show you things that you don't know. Oh we spare no pains and we spare no dough, oh we want to give you one hell of a show. And youth may come and age may go, but no more circuses like this show. Dr. Lao : Tricks? Gadzooks, Madam, these are not tricks! I do magic. I - I create, I transpose, I transubstantiate, I break up, I recombine - but I never trick! Dr. Lao : I wouldn't care to trade with you. Clint Stark : Maybe not, but the point is, my scaly friend, that you are in a cage, while I'm free to walk about! Dr. Lao : Oh, you have your cage, too. You test your bars just as often as I test mine, kiddo. Ed Cunningham : Hey! How come you speak perfect English all of a sudden? Dr. Lao : [no accent] Oh, it comes and goes. Whatever dialect the mood requires. Ed Cunningham : Oh, it just comes and goes? Dr. Lao : [thick Chinese accent] Whassa matta you? Alla time asking silly questions! Wise guy! Mike : Are you an acrobat? Dr. Lao : Only philosophically. [Dr. Lao is fishing in a dried-up riverbed] Ed Cunningham : I hate to tell you this, Doctor, but there aren't any fish in that river. In fact, there isn't any river. Dr. Lao : That's okay. Me no use bait. Movie Title: The Odd Couple (1970) as Felix Unger: Felix Unger : The man puts his ketchup on his salad. Oscar Madison : So? I like ketchup. It's like tomato wine. Felix Unger : What are you doing? Oscar Madison : Sterilizing the wound. Felix Unger : With beer? Oscar Madison : It's got alcohol in it. Felix Unger : Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick. Felix Unger : I'm going to the studio to pick up the gauntlet he threw down. Murray Greshler : You're so tidy. Oscar Madison : You want brown juice or green juice? Felix Unger : What's the difference? Oscar Madison : Three weeks. Oscar Madison : You ruined my wine. Felix Unger : Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles. Felix Unger : Everything you've ever owned is on that bed. Felix Unger : What do you dream about? Oscar Madison : Living alone. [when Oscar opens a suitcase from his closet, clothes fall out] Felix Unger : What's that? Oscar Madison : Guess I forgot to unpack from the last trip. [pointing under the bed] Felix Unger : There are things growing under there! [Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight] Oscar Madison : Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that. Felix Unger : I don't. Oscar Madison : You don't have any fun either. Movie Title: Down with Love (2003) as Theodore Banner: Theodore Banner : You're my creative team, create a reason to get rid of her or I'll create a new creative team. Theodore Banner : Not since Johannes Gutenberg's invention of the printing press, which changed forever the landscape of man's destiny, has one book reached so many and achieved so much; reminding all of us here today of the noble goal which called us to toil in the field of publishing to begin with... sales. Movie Title: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) as The Operator: The Operator : Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there? The Operator : Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight? Movie Title: Send Me No Flowers (1964) as Arnold Nash: George Kimball : When a man's wife thinks he's having an affair, how can he convince her he's not? Arnold Nash : He can't. George Kimball : But I'm not having one! Arnold Nash : Doesn't make any difference. George Kimball : Isn't a man innocent until proven guilty? Arnold Nash : Look, you're dealing with your wife. You can forget the Constitution. Movie Title: Lover Come Back (1961) as Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Peter 'Pete' Ramsey : I'm the king of the elevator. Movie Title: The Odd Couple: Together Again (1993) as Felix: Felix : Oscar's in the hos---what hospital? Murray : Columbia Presbyterian, but he begged me not to tell you. Felix : He tells you, but he doesn't tell me, his best friend. I guess he doesn't want to worry me. Murray : He doesn't want to *see* you. [Felix is upset that his daughter's fiance has been twice divorced.] Felix : The man's been divorced twice, Oscar. Oscar : Be careful, Felix. A lot of people have been divorced. Jeannie was divorced, you're divorced. Felix : That's different. Oscar : I'm divorced. Felix : Well, I wouldn't want my daughter to marry you either. [After Oscar has throat surgery.] Felix : You sound terrible. Oscar : No kidding, I just had my throat circumcised! Movie Title: Pillow Talk (1959) as Jonathan Forbes: Jonathan Forbes : Owww! Brad Allen : What? Jonathan Forbes : That chair. It just bit me. Jonathan Forbes : You've been crying for 60 miles. Brad Allen : Why don't you take her over for the rest of the evening? Jonathan Forbes : Me? Brad Allen : Yeah! Take her dancing maybe. She's dying to learn how to dance. Jonathan Forbes : Wait wait. She doesn't know how to dance? Brad Allen : Well naturally, she doesn't get out of the house very often. Jonathan Forbes : What do you mean, "naturally"? Brad Allen : Jonathan, believe me, you and Moose - I mean Miss Taggett will get along... Jonathan Forbes : "Moose"? |
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