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 Joaquin Phoenix Quotation"When I go out with the ladies, I don't force them to pronounce my name. I tell them I like to go by the nickname of Kitten." "I had a Catholic girlfriend but she wouldn't, uh, share loving." 'After River's death, I felt like I was in an altered state. It took me over a year to get my life back.' I don't have the slightest desire to speak over my dead brother. It gets on my nerves to always be compared with him. My brother was a magnificent person and an outstanding actor. River and I would talk about being old, being in our 50s together, how it'd probably take us that long to get to work together. There was something gorgeous about us being old together. River will be missed -period. I mean now, more than ever I wish I could talk to him. - on living without older brother River. "My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession." Movie Title: To Die For (1995) as Jimmy: Jimmy : I'll be here every day for life, plus 30 years, if I live that long. Jimmy : Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off. Movie Title: Inventing the Abbotts (1997) as DougHolt / Doug Holt: Doug Holt : My brother and I were born strangers. Doug Holt : Every time an Abbott girl gets her period they throw some kind of party! DougHolt : Either you're mad at me because you're mad at me or you're mad at me because you like me, because that's how girls act. I mean ... I don't know much but I know that. So, uh, which is it? Pamela Abbott : Both. Doug Holt : Backyard nudity is hypocritical. It's insincere. People should do and say exactly what they feel and think and not try to hide things. Movie Title: Gladiator (2000) as Commodus: Commodus : You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues. Wisdom, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance. As I read the list I knew I had none of them. But i have other virtues, father. Ambition, that can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness. Courage. Perhaps not on the battlefield but there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family, to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then, it was as if you didn't want me for your son. Marcus Aurelius : Oh Commodus, you go too far. Commodus : I searched the faces of the gods for ways to please you, to make you proud. One kind word, one full hug while you pressed me to your chest and held me tight, would've been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years. What is in me that you hate so much? Marcus Aurelius : Shh, Commodus. Commodus : All I've ever wanted was to live up to you. Ceasar. Father. Commodus : Your Emperor asks for your loyalty, Maximus. Take my hand, I only offer it once. Commodus : The general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena? Maximus : You would fight me? Commodus : Why not? Do you think I am afraid? Maximus : I think you've been afraid all your life. Maximus : I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back." Commodus : I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death? Maximus : You must know. He was your father. Commodus : You loved my father, I know. But so did I. That makes us brothers, doesn't it? Smile for me now, brother. [stabs him] [Watching Lucius sleep] Commodus : He sleeps so well because he is loved. Gracchus : But the Senate IS the people, sire. Chosen from AMONG the people. To speak FOR the people. Commodus : I doubt if any of the people eat so well as you, Gracchus. Or have such splendid mistresses, Gaius. Commodus : It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed. Commodus : I think I understand my own people. Gracchus : Then perhaps Caeser will be so good as to teach us, out of his own extensive experience? Commodus : I call it love, Gracchus. The people are my children, I am their father. I shall hold them to my bosom and embrace them tightly... Gracchus : Have you ever embraced someone dying of plague, sire? Commodus : No, but if you interrupt me again, I assure you that you will. Commodus : You and I are not much different. You take life when you have to, as I do. Maximus : I have only one more life to take. Then it is done. Commodus : [to Falco] Lucius will stay with me now. And if his mother so much as looks at me in a manner that displeases me, he will die. If she decides to be noble and takes her own life, he will die. [to Lucilla] Commodus : And as for you, you will love me as I loved you. You will provide me with an heir of pure blood, so that Commodus and his progeny will rule for a thousand years. Am I not merciful? [Lucilla turns her head] Commodus : AM I NOT MERCIFUL? Commodus : If you're very good, tomorrow night I'll tell you the story of emperor Claudius who was betrayed by those closest to him, by his own blood. They whispered in dark corners and went out late at night and conspired and conspired but the emperor Claudius knew they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you've been doing busy little bee or I shall strike down those dearest to you. You shall watch as I bathe in their blood." And the emperor was heartbroken. The little bee had wounded him more deeply than anyone else could ever have done. And what do you think happened then, Lucius? Lucius Verus : I don't know, uncle. Commodus : The little bee told him everything. Commodus : [to Maximus] They tell me that your boy squealed like a girl, when they nailed him to the cross. And that your wife moaned like a whore, when they ravished her. Again. And again. [whispers] Commodus : And again. [during the fight with Maximus, Commodus loses his sword] Commodus : Quintus, sword! [Quintus does nothing] Commodus : Give me your sword! [Quintus does nothing] Commodus : [to his guards] Sword, give me a sword! [the guards unsheathe their swords] Quintus : Sheathe your swords! Sheathe your swords! [the guards sheathe their swords] Movie Title: Quills (2000) as Coulmier / Abbe du Coulmier: Madeleine : How can we know who is good - and who is evil? Coulmier : All we can do is guard against our own corruption. Coulmier : It's nothing but an encyclopedia of perversions. One man killed his wife after reading them. Marquis de Sade : It's a fiction, not a moral treatise. Coulmier : You're not the anti-Christ. You're only a malcontent who knows how to spell. Abbe du Coulmier : You are not to entertain visitors in your quarters. Marquis de Sade : I'm entertaining you now, aren't I? Abbe du Coulmier : Yes, but I'm not a beautiful young prospect ripe for corruption. Marquis de Sade : Don't be so sure. Coulmier : It's not even a proper novel. It's nothing but an encyclopedia of perversions. Frankly, it even fails as an exercise in craft. The characters are wooden, the diologue is inane. Not to mention the repetition of words like "nipple" and "pikestaff". Marquis de Sade : There I was taxed; it's true. Coulmier : And such puny scope. Nothing but the worst in man's nature. Marquis de Sade : I write of the great, eternal truths that bind together all mankind. The whole world over, we eat, we shit, we fuck, we kill and we die. Coulmier : But we also fall in love, we build cities, we compose symphonies, and we endure. Why not put that in your books as well. Abbe du Coulmier : I am not the first man God has asked to shed blood in his name. And I am not of the last. Movie Title: U Turn (1997) as Toby N. Tucker: Toby N. Tucker : You know who I am? Toby N. Tucker. Everyone round here call me TNT. You know why? Bobby : Let's see... they're not very imaginative? Toby N. Tucker : 'Cause I'm just like dynamite. And when I go off, somebody gets hurt. Movie Title: Brother Bear (2003) as Kenai: Kenai : You ready? Denahi : For what? Kenai : We're going after the bear. Denahi : I know what you're feeling but... but killing that bear is wrong. Kenai : Wrong? Our brother is dead and it's because of THAT monster. Denahi : I don't blame the bear, Kenai. Kenai : Okay, okay, Heh... Koda... I uh... I... I gotta get goin'... Koda : Well, when you come back, we can go... Kenai : I... I won't be coming back. Koda : What? Why not? Kenai : Because... well... it's hard to explai... Tug : You're leaving? Kenai : GAH! UH, NO! Well I uh... I mean yes. Uh... well it's just that I... I don't... I don't belong here. Tug : "Don't belong"? EVERY bear belongs here. [about receiving his totem] Kenai : Yeah, I'll probably get, like, a sabretooth tiger for bravery, or strength, or greatness, you know, something that fits me... Denahi : How about a mammoth for your fat head? Just make sure you get that basket tied up. Kenai : Don't worry! No stupid bear's gonna get anywhere near this fish! Denahi : Just tie it up. [on Denahi's totem and Kenai's totem] Kenai : I guess the spirits messed up on both of our totems. Sitka : You know I felt the same way when Tanana gave me mine. Kenai : Get out of here. Sitka : No, really. I said, "The eagle of guidance? What does that mean?"... But now that I'm older, I know it's about being a leader... and keeping an eye on you two. Kenai : ...I just want to get my hand print on that wall. Sitka : Just be patient Kenai. When you live by your totem... you will. Kenai : Really? Sitka : Guarantee it. Kenai : I'm not a bear. I hate bears. Rutt : Well, gee, eh, you're one big beaver. Kenai : Hey, I've got a mountain to get to. Let's go, kid. Koda : I told you before. My name's Koda. Say it with me... Ko-da. Kenai : Are you sure your mom didn't ditch you, Ko-duh? [Kenai confesses to Koda that he killed his mother] Kenai : Koda, there's... something I ought to... you know that story you told me last night? Koda : Yeah. Kenai : Well, I have a story to tell you. Koda : Really? What's it about? Kenai : Well, it's kind of about a man... and kind of about a bear. But mostly it's about a monster. Kenai : You want to know what I did this year? I went on the longest, hardest, most exhausting journey I have ever been on, with the biggest pain in the neck I have ever met. But what do you expect from a little brother? [noogies Koda] Koda : Mom says the spirits make all the magical changes in the world, like how the leaves change color, or how the moon changes shape, or tadpoles change into frogs... Kenai : Yeah, I get it. You know, for a change, maybe they could just leave things alone. Koda : What do you mean? Kenai : My brother's a spirit, and if it wasn't for him I... I wouldn't be here. Koda : You have a brother up there? What happened to him? Kenai : He was killed by a bea... by a monster. Koda : What's your brother's name? Kenai : Sitka. Koda : Thanks, Sitka. If it weren't for you, I would have never met Kenai. I always wanted a brother. Kenai : Keep all that cuddly bear stuff to a minimum, okay, kid? [Kenai tells Denahi his choice to stay a bear and look after Koda] Kenai : He needs me. Denahi : You know, you did look better as a bear... [Kenai tells Denahi he wants to remain a bear to watch over Koda] Kenai : But... Denahi... Denahi : It's all right, Kenai. No matter what you choose, you'll always be my little brother. [they hug and Kenai transforms back into a bear] Denahi : Whoa... Did I say little? Koda : Hey, I don't wanna brag or nothing, but I got some moves. Kenai : Oh, really? Koda : Yeah. Now, this first one, well... it's just a little something I like to call... the Slasher. And this, I call... Flying Fury of Death. Kenai : [mock terror] Ah! The hunter's coming back. Koda : Aah! Where? Kenai : Enough with the stories. I don't care about the time you and Binky found the world's biggest pine cone ever. Koda : First of all, his name's Bucky, not Binky. And Second, it wasn't a pine cone, it was a pine nut, and it was huge, even bigger than your fat head. Tuke : How's it going, bear? Kenai : Don't call me that. Tuke : Sorry, um... Mister Bear? [after a caribou stampede] Kenai : Never try to milk a caribou. [after Kenai got his totem "The Bear of Love"] Denahi : THERE he is. Ha ha! Come here, lover boy. [Denahi gives Kenai a noogie] Kenai : Leave me alone. Denahi : Aw, Kenai wait... I'm sorry. Kenai : ...what? Denahi : Your totem... I think it's really great. Kenai : You do? Denahi : Yeah. And I made you something... Kenai : Really? [Denahi throws a band of flowers on his head] Denahi : Now when you skip around loving everybody... you'll smell so sweet! Sitka : WELL, isn't this nice. Instead of fighting you're giving each other flowers. Denahi : Yeah. Isn't it lovely? He's so in touch with his totem already! Sitka : Hey dog breath, go take care of the fish. Denahi : Sure. [while prancing around throwing flowers] Denahi : Kenai loves me, he loves me not. Kenai loves me, he loves me not... [about Denahi] Sitka : Hey bonehead, just because his totem is wisdom doesn't mean he's wise. I mean, look at him. Denahi : Kenai loves me, he loves me not... [Denahi upsets a dog and backs away] Denahi : Whoa. Girls: Hi, Denahi. Denahi : Uh, hi... [he backs into the dog and gets bitten in the rear] Sitka , Kenai : Oooh. Denahi : Killing that bear won't make you a man. Kenai : Oh NOW you're trying to be wise? Denahi : I'm trying to follow my totem. Why can't you do the same? Kenai : You really think love has anything to do with being a man? A MAN wouldn't just sit here and do nothing. [Kenai screams when he sees a bunch of bears] Kenai : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh... huh? Blonde Bear: Hey, you're stirrin' up the water dude... Tug : Yeah, try not to scare off the fish there buddy. Kenai : Koda... your mother's not coming back. [holding Denahi and Kenai back from fighting each other] Sitka : Now, the quicker we get these fish, the faster we're gonna get to your ceremony. So let's all just try and get along for a few hours! Okay, Denahi? Denahi : Whatever you say! Sitka : Okay, Ken- [notices he isn't holding Kenai anymore] Kenai : [already in his boat] So? What are we waiting for? Tanana : Kenai, I have been to the mountain where the lights touch the earth, and the Great Spirits have revealed to me your totem. To become a man, your actions must be guided by one thing: Your totem is... love. Yes, love. Kenai : The bear of love? Tanana : A love that connects and unites all living things. Kenai : The bear of love? Tanana : A love that connects and unites all living things. [Kenai looks back to see Denahi laughing silently at him] Kenai : [whispering] Who wants to trade? Tanana : There is NO trading! [smacks him over the head] Chipmunk : Well, they were right here a second ago, and now they're gone! Second Chipmunk : [with stuffed cheeks] Yeah... that's really weird, huh? Chipmunk : So, you're telling me YOU didn't eat 'em, and you have NO IDEA where they are? Kenai : H-hey! You! You just talked! Chipmunk : J-just... b-back away... real slow-like... Kenai : How'd you DO that? [The Second Chipmunk spits out a mouthful of acorns and they both run away] Chipmunk : I KNEW you had them in there! [to Kenai, stuck in a trap and hanging from a tree] Koda : What are you doing? Guess you didn't see the trap, huh? I saw it from a mile away! You must be pretty embarrassed! Don't worry... I won't tell *anyone!* Kenai : What? Koda : You need to get down! Let me help... [he starts hitting Kenai with a stick] Kenai : Oh, wait wait wait wait wait wait... OW! Koda : Hold still! Kenai : No, just (Ow!) Stop it! (Ow! Ooh!) Would you just (Ow!) Get... get... hey... STOP IT! Koda : It's no use. The only way to get down is to *chew your own foot off*! Kenai : Don't DO that! Koda : Scared you, didn't I? Kenai : There's scared... and then there's surprised. Koda : And you were both! Whoa... [he looks away for a second, hinting for Kenai to try. Kenai gives his best effort at roaring] Koda : Nice try. Uh, you got a little spit right there... [about hunters] Koda : Why do they hate us, Kenai? Kenai : We're bears. Koda : So? Kenai : So... you know how they are! They're... they're killers. Koda : Wait a minute, who's the killers? Kenai : Bears. Koda : What? Which bears? I'm not like that, and you're not like that! Kenai : Well, obviously not all bears, I mean, you're okay, but most bears... most bears will look for any excuse to attack a human. Koda : But Kenai, *he* attacked *us*! [looking for Sitka on the mountain after realizing he killed Koda's mother] Kenai : Sitka! Sitka, are you there? Sitka! Sitka... please, Sitka... I don't know what else to do. Movie Title: Signs (2002) as Merrill: Merrill : It's like War of the Worlds. [Morgan has an asthma attack] Graham Hess : We don't have his medicine. Don't be afraid, Morgan. We'll slow this down together. Feel my chest. Feel it moving in and out. Breathe like me. Breathe like me. Come on. Bo : I dreamed this. Graham Hess : Stay with me. I know it hurts. Be strong baby. It'll pass. It'll pass. [talking to God] Graham Hess : Don't do this to me again. Not again. I hate you. I hate you! The fear is feeding him. Don't be afraid of what's happening. Believe it's going to pass. Believe it. Just wait. Don't be afraid. The air is coming. Believe. We don't have to be afraid. It's about to pass. Here it comes. Don't be afraid. Here comes the air. Don't be afraid, Morgan. Feel my chest. Breathe with me. Together. The air is going in our lungs. Together. We're the same. We're the same. Merrill : We should save the flashlights. Graham Hess : Aaah. I am insane with anger. Merrill : We're gonna beat your ass, bitch. We're gonna tear your head off. Graham Hess : I'm losing my mind. It's time for an ass-whooping. Graham Hess : Lionel Prichard and the Wolfington brothers are back. Merrill : It's time for an ass-whupping. Graham Hess : This is not an intelligent way to approach this. Lee is a friend of mine. This is his son. Merrill : Yeah, we'll be doing Lee a favor. All right, listen, we both go outside, move around the house in opposite directions. We act crazy, insane with anger, make them crap in their pants, force them around till we meet up on the other side. Graham Hess : Explain "act crazy". Merrill : You know, curse and stuff. Graham Hess : You want me to curse? Merrill : You don't mean it. It's just for show. What? Graham Hess : Well, it won't be convincing. It doesn't sound natural when I curse. Merrill : Just make noises, then. Graham Hess : Explain "noises". Merrill : Are you gonna do this or what? Graham Hess : No, I'm not. Merrill : All right, you want them stealing something in the house next time? [outside light comes on] Merrill : On the count of three. One... Graham Hess : All right. Merrill : two... three! Graham Hess : Ahh! I'm insane with anger! Merrill : We're gonna beat your ass bitch! We're gonna tear your head off! Graham Hess : I'm losing my mind! It's time for an ass-whupping! [Merrill and Graham meet each other] Graham Hess : I cursed. Merrill : I heard. [rustling on the roof] Merrill : How did he get... Are you sure this is Lionel Prichard? Merrill : Move, children. Vamanos. Merrill : The nerds were right. Merrill : Hey, you guys okay? Morgan : Some guy had a sign saying it was the end of the world. Merrill : Don't worry. Morgan : You won't let anything happen to us, right? Merrill : No way. Morgan : I wish you were my dad. Merrill : What did you say? Don't you ever say anything like that again. Ever! Merrill : This is exactly what the nerds want... Merrill : Morgan, this crop stuff is just about a bunch of nerds who never had a girlfriend their whole lives. They're like thirty now. They make up secret codes and analyze Greek mythology and make secret societies where other guys who never had girlfriends can join in. They do stupid crap like this to feel special. It's a scam. Nerds were doin' it twenty five years ago and new nerds are doing it again. Graham Hess : Its just static, Morgan. Frequency. [Weird noises come from the baby monitor] Morgan : It's a code. Bo : Why can't they get girlfriends? Graham Hess : That's why he had asthma. It can't be luck. His lungs were closed. His lungs were closed. No poison got in. No poison got in. His lungs were closed. His lungs were closed. [Merrill checks for a pulse] Graham Hess : Don't touch him. Give him a minute. [Merrill starts crying] Merrill : Graham... Graham Hess : Give him a second. Bo : Daddy... Graham Hess : Don't touch him. Merrill : Graham... Graham Hess : Don't... Don't. Morgan : Dad? What happened? Did someone save me? [Graham starts crying] Graham Hess : Yeah, baby, I think someone did. Merrill : You'll lose the signal. [Upon discovering there is no longer a signal on the baby monitor] Merrill : Good enough for me. Graham Hess : Me too. Merrill : I'm a miracle man. Graham Hess : I cursed. Merrill : I heard. Officer Caroline : Merrill... how's work at the gas station? Merrill : Stimulating. Merrill : One time, I was at this party... and I was sitting on the couch with Amanda McKinney. She was just sitting there, looking beautiful. So, I lean in to kiss her, and I realize I have gum in my mouth. So, I turn to spit it out and put it in a paper cup. I turn back, and Amanda McKinney throws up all over herself. I knew the moment it happened, it was a miracle. I could have been kissing her when she threw up. It would have scarred me for life. I may never have recovered. Merrill : There are many things that I can take. But what I can't take is when my older brother, who's everything that I want to be, starts losing faith in things. I saw that look in your eyes last night. I don't ever want to see that look in your eyes again. Graham Hess : We're going to board up every window in this house. Merrill : How do you know boards will do anything? Graham Hess : Because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors. Merrill : Excluding the possibility that a female Scandinavian Olympian was running around outside our house last night, what else could it have been? SFC Cunningham : You didn't used to play baseball did ya? Shit, I know you. You're Merrill Hess! I was there the day you hit that 507-footer over the left field wall, set the record. Man, that thing had a motor on it. It's still the record right? Merrill : Got the bat at home on the wall. SFC Cunningham : You've got two minor league home-run records, don't ya? Merrill : Five. SFC Cunningham : Why weren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and getting your toes licked by beautiful women? Lionel Prichard : 'Cause he has another record most people don't know about. He has the minor league strikeout record. Merrill : Hello Lionel. Lionel Prichard : Merrill's a class-A screw up. He would just swing that bat as hard as he could every time. Didn't matter what the coaches said, didn't matter who was on base. He would just whip that bat through the air as hard as he could. Looked like a lumberjack chopping down a tree. Merrill here has more strikeouts than any two players. SFC Cunningham : You really got the strikeout record? Merrill : Felt wrong not to swing. Morgan : Maybe we should say a prayer. Graham Hess : No. Morgan : Why not? Graham Hess : We're not saying a prayer. Morgan : Bo has a bad feeling. Bo : I had a dream. Graham Hess : We aren't saying a prayer. Eat! Morgan : I hate you. Graham Hess : That's fine. Morgan : You let mom die. Merrill : Morgan... Graham Hess : I am not wasting one more minute of my life on prayer. Not one more minute. Understood? [Bo starts crying] Graham Hess : Now we are going to enjoy this meal. No one can stop us from enjoying this meal, so enjoy it! Stop crying! Merrill : Graham... Morgan : Don't yell at her! Graham Hess : All right, since you're all not going to eat, I'm going to try some of everything. [crying continues, and then everyone hugs] Merrill : For the kids protection. They were watching the tv from 5 am on. I didn't want them getting obsessed like you said. They should be outside playing furry furry rabbit or tea party or something. Graham Hess : What's furry furry rabbit? Merrill : It's a game isn't it? Movie Title: Russkies (1987) as Danny: Mischa : I see. Vodka not for boys. Danny : That's not it. It's just... Mischa : Just? Adam : Just gimme that bottle. [Takes a drink and spits it out] Mischa : [laughs] Vodka not for boys. Danny : Say if, I mean, what if a Russian washed up on the beach here. What would you do? Sergeant Kovac : Kill him. Movie Title: Clay Pigeons (1998) as Clay Bidwell / Clay: Sheriff Mooney : Promise me something there, will you? Clay Bidwell : What's that? Sheriff Mooney : Promise you'll stop finding dead people. Sheriff Mooney : Clay, do me a favor; don't find anymore dead bodies? Clay : Okay. Movie Title: The Village (2004) as Lucius Hunt: Ivy Walker : When we are married, will you dance with me? I find dancing very agreeable. Why can you not say what is in your head? Lucius Hunt : Why can you not stop saying what is in yours? Why must you lead, when I want to lead? If I want to dance I will ask you to dance. If I want to speak I will open my mouth and speak. Everyone is forever plaguing me to speak further. Why? What good is it to tell you you are in my every thought from the time I wake? What good can come from my saying that I sometimes cannot think clearly or do my work properly? What gain can rise of my telling you the only time I feel fear as others do is when I think of you in harm? That is why I am on this porch, Ivy Walker. I fear for your safety before all others. And yes, I will dance with you on our wedding night. Ivy Walker : Why can you not speak what is in your head? Lucius Hunt : Why can you not stop speaking what is in yours? Why must you lead, when I want to lead? Everyone is forever plauging me to speak further. If I want to speak, I will open my mouth. If I want to dance, I will ask you to dance. What good is there is saying that you are my only thought from the time I wake? What good is it to say that I sometimes cannot think, nor do my work properly? What good is it to say that the only time I feel fear as others do... is when I think of you in harm? I fear for your safety before all others. That is why I am on this porch, Ivy Walker. And yes, I will dance with you on our wedding night. Alice Hunt : And what makes you think that he has feelings for me? Lucius Hunt : The way he never touches you. Lucius Hunt : Do you not wish you had your sight? Ivy Walker : I see the world, Lucius Hunt. Just not as you see it. Ivy Walker : How is it that you are so brave while the rest of us shake in our boots? Lucius Hunt : I don't think of what might happen, only what must be done. Lucius Hunt : You run like a boy. Ivy Walker : Thank you. Ivy Walker : What? What's this? Oh, berries. What a splendid present! Lucius Hunt : Be cautious, you are holding the bad color. Ivy Walker : This color attracts Those We Don't Speak Of. We must bury it. Movie Title: Buffalo Soldiers (2001) as Ray Elwood: Colonel Berman : What is this, what have we here? Ray Elwood : Just some requisitions, Sir. Colonel Berman : 1000 gallons of Mop & Glow... my God, do we really need that much? Ray Elwood : Well, cleanliness is next to godliness. Ray Elwood : Three things I love about Germany: My Mercedes-Benz, no speed limit on the autobahn and a black market for anything I can get my hands on. Ray Elwood : War is hell, but peace is fucking boring. Movie Title: 8MM (1999) as Max California: Max California : There's three rules in life: One, there's always a victim; two, don't be it. Tom Welles : And three? Max California : I forgot what three is. Max California : [on the porn industry] All I'm saying is... it can get to you. Tom Welles : No worries. Thanks for the warning, though. Max California : You're welcome. Pops... If you dance with the devil, the devil don't change. The devil changes you. Tom Welles : One of your own lyrics? Max California : Cute. [Tom hands Max an envelope] Max California : What is this? Tom Welles : Money. People use it to buy goods and services. [to porn store customer] Max California : Hey! It's like a gas station, you pay before you pump! Max California : There are some things that you see, and you can't unsee them. Know what I mean? Max California : Can I interest you in a battery-operated vagina? Tom Welles : No thank you. Max California : Are you sure? I'd hate for you to be in one of those everyday situations that calls for a battery-operated vagina and not have one. Tom Welles : What're you reading? [Max California shows book - "Anal Secretary"] Tom Welles : Catchy title. What are you really reading? Hard to believe that book's got any parts worth highlighting. [Max California reveals real book - "In Cold Blood"] Tom Welles : Capote! Max California : Yeah, well. You know how it is. Tom Welles : Yeah. Wouldn't want to embarrass yourself in front of your fellow perverts. Max California : That's right. I might get drummed out of the Pornographer's Union. Where would I be then? [On seeing a bogus snuff film] Max California : Oh, wow. That's great! "Snuff 2: The Resurrection!" Well, what'd you expect for twelve hundred? [On selling porn] Max California : I don't buy it. I don't endorse it. I just point the way. [On Dino Velvet] Max California : He's a producer-slash-director-slash weirdo. He's like the Jim Jarmusch of S & M. Max California : So you got a wife and a daughter and a nice little yellow house and a dog named 'Shit'. What the hell are you doing here? [after Tom Welles has asked for his "assistance"] Max California : I don't know exactly what you're looking for, but just for the record - I'm straight. Tom Welles : Congratulations. Movie Title: Parenthood (1989) as Garry: Garry : What is it with all the women in this family, that makes all the men in this family wanna leave? Movie Title: SpaceCamp (1986) as Max: Max : It's me! I'm here to rescue you! Kevin : All right, who talked? Max : It wasn't me, Han Solo, Zach got the information from Jinx. Kevin : Max... I am not Han Solo. You are not Luke Skywalker. There's no Empire. There's no Force and there's no Dark Side! Max : Oh, I mean this is like the greatest thing since the X-Wing fighter! Andie : [They're all in a space shuttle simulator] The computer does most of the work. Now the first lesson I want to teach you is... [Rudy moves the control stick, causing the simulator to lurch backward. Everyone falls] Andie : "Why I Won't Touch Anything Until I Know How to Use It." Rudy Tyler : By Rudy Tyler. Max : Yeah, Rudy. Andie : [in the space shuttle] Max, Tish, take your seats on the main deck. If you need any help, just holler. Max : Roger, Commander. I'll arm the laser guns... May the Force be with you. [Kevin is showing Max how the shuttle toilet works. It involves a vacuum hose] Max : I ain't getting in that. Kevin : No, Max, come on. I mean, it's not like you're using it for much else anyway, right? Max : WHAAAAAATTTTT'SSSSSS HAAAPPPPEENNNIIIIINGGG? |
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