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 Jean Stapleton QuotationMovie Title: Archie Bunker's Place (1979) as Edith Bunker: Edith Bunker : Oy vey! Movie Title: Michael (1996) as Pansy Milbank: Huey Driscoll : Can I just pull on your wings to see how they're attached? Michael : Why don't you pull on your pecker to see how it's attached? Pansy Milbank : Hey. Language. Frank Quinlan : An angel that says "pecker." Pansy Milbank : Language. Movie Title: Caroline in the City (1995) as Aunt Mary: Caroline : You know, Aunt Mary, since the railroads, we can get foodstuffs in New York. Aunt Mary : Don't sass your Auntie. Oh, Richard, thank you so much. [hands him a coin] Aunt Mary : This is for you. Caroline : You know, you don't have to tip Richard. Richard : Don't sass your Auntie. Aunt Mary : Nice to meet you, Richard. Annie : Boy, there's a phrase you don't hear too often. Movie Title: You've Got Mail (1998) as Birdie Conrad: Birdie Conrad : What are you girls talking about? Christina Plutzker : Cybersex. Birdie Conrad : I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting a busy signal. Birdie Conrad : If you nee more ask me, I'm VERY rich. I bought Intel at six. Birdie Conrad : You are marching into the unknown armed with -- nothing. Birdie Conrad : It wasn't meant to be. Kathleen Kelly : Why not? Birdie Conrad : He ran Spain. Christina Plutzker : Spain? Birdie Conrad : The Country. He ran it. It was his Job. And then he died. Just as well. Movie Title: Up the Down Staircase (1967) as Mrs. Finch: [Frequently Over Intercom] Mrs. Finch : Disregard all bells. Movie Title: () as Fairy Godmother: Fairy Godmother : What's reality, does anybody know? (disappears) Movie Title: Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World (1998) as Mrs. Jenkins: Mrs. Jenkins : : Oh! I'll put on lots and lots of tea. Movie Title: All in the Family (1971) as Edith / Edith Bunker: Archie Bunker : If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it like I done. Mike Stivic : So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as must chance as the white man to get a job? Archie Bunker : More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job. Edith Bunker : No, his uncle got it for him. Archie Bunker : When your mother-in-law and me was goin' around together, it was two years - we never - I never - I mean absolutely nothin', not 'til the wedding night. Edith Bunker : Yeah, and even then... Mike Stivic : Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Archie Bunker : Cut that out. GOD DAMMIT. Edith Bunker : You shouldn't swear like that. Ever since this Watergate thing it's been GD this and GD that. Archie Bunker : I didn't swear. GD. The first word is God. How can that be a swear word? It's the most popular word in the bible. The second word, damn, that's a perfectly good word, you hear it all the time, like they dam the river to keep it from flooding it. And you read in the Bible that some guy was damned for cheating or stealing or having sex in the family. And who damned him? Who else? God. God damned him. Edith, beautiful words right out of the Bible. Paul : Every person knows that Homo Sapiens is a killer. Edith Bunker : Homo Sapiens. Is he an Arab? Archie Bunker : No, Edith. Homo Sapiens. That's a killer fag. Edith Bunker : This is a nice restaurant, and it's called the Gay Paris. Gloria Stivic : That's Gay Paree, Ma. Archie Bunker : Gay, gay, what'd you do? Bring us into a fag hangout? Archie Bunker : Now wait a minute, Meathead, I never said your black beauties was lazy. You don't believe me, look it up. Gloria Stivic : He's prejudice, there's no hope for him at all. Archie Bunker : I ain't prejudice, any man deserves my respect and he's gonna get it regardless of his color. Mike Stivic : Then why are you calling them black beauties? Archie Bunker : Now that's where I got you, wise guy, there's a black guy who works down at the building with me, he's got a bumper sticker on his car that says 'Black is Beautiful' so what's the matter with black beauties? Edith Bunker : It's nicer than when he called them coons. [after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves] Mike Stivic : That man is on something. Gloria : Bananas. Edith : He's on bananas? Mike Stivic : Alotta places have the same names like Odessa, Russia and Odessa, Texas. Gloria Stivic : Yeah, Birmingham, England and Birmingham, Alabama. Edith Bunker : New York, New York. Archie : I ain't gonna eat this food with these Chink pick-up sticks. Mike Stivic : How can you say that, Arch? With one word you attack an entire race of people and not just the Chinese, the Laotians, the Cambodians, the Vietnamese. Archie : Wait a minute, Meathead, I never call them countries Chinks. Edith : He calls them Gooks. Archie : I'm saying they're all a yellow race. They ain't exactly Chinks, but they are definitely offshoots of your Chinks, they're what you call Chinkish. Edith Bunker : You better take your rubbers too. Archie Bunker : I don't want no rubbers, every time I put 'em off, my shoes come off with 'em. [when Mike is worried that he failed his college exams] Irene Lorenzo : Don't worry so much Mike, as I always say Que Sera, Sera. Edith Bunker : That's right Mike, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Archie Bunker : I know all about your woman's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time, I didn't make you wear the truss. If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now. I'm gonna give you just 30 seconds. Now c'mon and change. Edith Bunker : Can I finish my soup first? Edith : Mike, how did you hurt your back? Mike Stivic : Lifting a hibachi. Archie : What a dope, you lifed a motorcycle? Archie Bunker : Go ahead, ask your mother, *she* believes in capital punishment. Gloria Stivic : Do you Ma? Edith Bunker : Well, sure. Gloria Stivic : MA? Edith Bunker : Well, as long as it ain't too severe. Archie : Free treatment for VD. VD. Do you know what *that* means, Edith? Edith : oh, yeah. V-D day. [after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves] Mike Stivic : He's on something. Gloria : Bananas. Edith : Archie's on bananas? Archie : Well, you know what they say, Edith. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta fry. Edith : Swim. Archie : That too. Archie : What kind of fathead would send us something like this? Edith : It's from your mother. [Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store] Edith Bunker : It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P. Archie : Oh, a scarf. It's got that beautiful beege color. Edith : Beige. Archie : Some of that too. Archie Bunker : Here's something we can see in Disney World. They got an all bear band. Edith Bunker : They got a naked band at Disney World? Edith Bunker : I hate bears. Archie Bunker : Well they ain't real bears, they... Edith Bunker : I hate all bears. Archie Bunker : Edith, I'm trying to show you... Edith Bunker : STIFLE. Edith Bunker : What's wrong, Archie? Mike Stivic : It's just indigestion. It comes from eating his own words. Edith Bunker : We should take you to the doctor. Archie Bunker : No, I've already had one attempted robbery today. [Archie is missing] Mike Stivic : I'd better go over to the Friedman building and try to find him at the insurance office. Ma, can you remember the name? Edith : [Drunk] Archie Bunker. Mike Stivic : Ma, can you remember the name of the insurance guy? Edith Bunker : Um... It's a German name... Hinklemeyer. That's it. Mike Stivic : Hinklemeyer, okay. [Exits] Gloria Stivic : Ma, are you sure that's the name? Edith Bunker : Hinklemeyer. That's it. Or was it Swanson? Edith Bunker : I gotta get the cranberry sauce. Archie Bunker : Edith, the lord and me don't give a damn about cranberry sauce. Edith Bunker : I gotta go to the bathroom. [Starts to run upstairs but Lambert races after her] Edith Bunker : What are you doing? Lambert: You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you. Edith Bunker : I'll wait 'til tomorrow. Archie : [about Mike and Gloria] Edith, why do them two always gotta be over here? I can't stand to look at them. Edith : What are you going to do today, Archie? Archie : I'm going over to their house. Archie : Edith, go set the alarm clock for 1997. Edith : You're gonna sleep for 20 years? Archie : If it was good enough for Rip Van Heussen... Edith, Mike, Gloria: Winkle. Archie : Alright, Winkle Van Heussen, then ipso fatso, it's good enough for Archie Bunker. Archie : So I was drivin' by Kennedy... Edith : Kennedy airport? Archie : No, Cape Kennedy. I'm looking for a flight to the moon. Archie Bunker : You mean the guy... Raped you? Edith Bunker : He tried to. Archie Bunker : So he was at the house when I was there, why didn't you tell me? Edith Bunker : He said he would do something to you. Archie Bunker : Do something to me? What the hell was he, a fruit too? Edith : You should apologize to Harry. Archie : Apologize for what? For killing me? Did Abe Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth? Gloria : John Wilkes Booth. Archie : Don't repeat what I say. Edith : Archie, there's someone here to see you. Archie : If it ain't Alice Faye, tell him to get the hell out of here. Archie : God created the universe in seven days. Edith : Six days. On the seventh day he rested. Archie : Well only for a while then He looked over what He done. Archie : [Floyd has asked the Bunkers to look after Stephanie] Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree. Edith : You're barking up the wrong tree. Archie : You heard the boss. Edith : We'd love to take in Stephie. [Finding out Stephanie is Jewish] Stephanie Mills: My father said not to talk about it. Edith Bunker : Why? Stephanie Mills: He said if Uncle Archie knew he would call be a Hebe. Edith Bunker : Archie, I think you owe Mike an apology. Archie Bunker : Yeah? And he owes me two years rent. So now we're even. Archie Bunker : Every man should be king of his castle. And in this here castle, I am the king. Edith Bunker : And I am the queen. Archie Bunker : [Concerning Beverly LaSalle] Well this king can only handle one queen at a time. [Archie's socks are missing] Edith : Did you look in the top drawer? Archie : Certainly I looked in the top drawer. Edith : Well they ain't in the top drawer. [Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right] Archie : What are you doing? Edith : I thought you might like it on this side for a change. Archie : Is it gonna taste better on this side? Edith : Archie, did you really write in "Richard Nixon"? Archie : Of course not. I wrote in Reagan. Archie Bunker : Go out and get me a beer. Edith : Can or bottle? Archie : We never buy bottles. Archie : When Sammy Davis Jr. get's here, don't say nothing about his eye. Edith : What eye? Archie : One of them is glass. You'll find out which one when he get's here, now don't say nothing about it. Now you got any fried chicken out in the kitchen? 'Cause they like to snack on that. Beverly La Salle: I have the best dress-maker in town: Mr. Florence. Edith Bunker : Is he a man or a woman? Beverly La Salle: Yes. Edith Bunker : Why don't you sit down? Beverly La Salle: In this dress? Are you kidding? [Imitating Mae West] Beverly La Salle: One false move and you'll have wall to wall foam rubber. Edith : Archie learned how to save lives in the toilet at work. Beverly La Salle: Really? He saved mine in a cab. Edith Bunker : Are your neighbors all poor? Gloria Stivic : No, why? Edith Bunker : Because they're all sitting in a circle sharing the same cigarette. Stephanie Mills: I'd like to go to the John. Edith Bunker : We're going to the John. Archie Bunker : I heard. [to Floyd] Archie Bunker : "John"? Couldn't you have taught her to say "toilet" like educated people? Floyd Mills: I try the best I can. Archie Bunker : Well you failed. Edith Bunker : Stephie, don't you want to come with us and have fun at Disneyland? Stephanie Mills: No. Archie Bunker : You will have fun where I tell you to have fun. Edith Bunker : Stephie, you can stay with us forever. Archie Bunker : Not after she get's married. I've had enough of son in-laws under this roof. Archie : You go off and leave me here with nobody home. Edith : Mike was here. Archie : Like I said, nobody was home. Archie Bunker : I changed my mind. I don't want no stranger in the house. He'd probably snuggle girls up the stairs. Edith Bunker : Well suppose the 'he' is a she? Archie Bunker : You wouldn't want that either. Edith : Do you know what today is? Archie : Certainly I do. Today is the first day of National Spay the Cat Week. Edith : Do you know how old I am today? Archie : Yeah, you're 50. I got a very romantic way of remembering that: you are as old as Lindburg's airplane. Archie : How did you get rid of the lousy bum? Edith : I hit him with my cake. Archie : Thank God you had something heavy. Edith Bunker : I'm an old lady. I'm very old. I'm as old as Lindburg's airplane. Lambert: I like older women. Edith Bunker : But I'm married. Lambert: So am I. Archie Bunker : Guess which famous personality I had in my cab? Edith Bunker : Oh, this is fun. Living or dead? Archie Bunker : I was driving a cab, Edith, not a hearse. Archie : This woman's lib is infiltrating our home and your daughter's bringing it in here. I suppose next she'll have you prancing around in hot pants and burning your brassier. Edith : No, I'm afraid of fire. Edith : [playing Monopoly] Aw, I gotta go to jail. Archie : Make it solitary confinement. Edith : But in the hospital you said having a boarder was a good idea. Archie : But I was so full of pills and enemas, I didn't know if I was coming or going. [Archie finds a swastika painted on the front door] Edith : Who did that? Archie : I don't know, Edith, the artist didn't sign it. Mike Stivic : I'm sorry to get you out of bed. Edith Bunker : Oh that's all right, we was only sleeping. Archie Bunker : How long have them two been up there? Edith Bunker : An hour and a half. Archie Bunker : [Knowing they're having sex] And in the afternoon. Edith Bunker : Seems like an awfully long time to be showing her his grades. Edith Bunker : What's a Toyota Hatchback? Archie Bunker : It's got slanted headlights and it'll bomb you without warning. Edith Bunker : What are you fighting about? Mike Stivic : The Star-Spangled Banner. Edith Bunker : Did the singer forget the words again? Archie Bunker : A man should always listen to his wife. Edith Bunker : Archie, I... Archie Bunker : Dummy up. Edith : Why don't you go out and finish dinner. Mike Stivic : Nah, I ain't hungry. Edith : Ya can't depend on nothing no more. Edith Bunker : I'm home. I'm home, Archie. Archie Bunker : Are you sure? Edith : You know what we're gonna do tomorrow? Archie : Don't tell me. Edith : We're gonna throw Stephanie a birthday party. Archie : She tells me anyway. Edith Bunker : [about Dr. Sydney Shapiro] He was so smart. He had always wanted to make a bat. Archie Bunker : A ball bat? Edith Bunker : No, a real bat. He wanted to cross a mouse with a bird. Archie Bunker : THAT'S the genius you got working on our kid in there? Archie Bunker : I nearly killed the child. Edith Bunker : You couldn't help it if her appendix burst. Archie Bunker : Who said young Dr. Shapiro shouldn't do it? Who said old Dr. Shapiro should? Who thought we should get Dr. Kurtsman - who never called me back from the Copa Cabana. Who done all them stupid things? Edith Bunker : You did. Archie Bunker : We'd barely have enough strength to drag ourselves over the hill to the bone orchard. Edith Bunker : I ain't going to no bone orchard. Archie Bunker : If I go, you go. Beverly LaSalle: I'm a female impersonator. Edith Bunker : Oh. Ain't that smart. Who better to impersonate a female than a woman? Edith Bunker : I ain't been so proud of you since Uncle Willie cut his finger carving the Thanksgiving turkey and you stopped the bleeding by tying it up with the string they used to tie up the turkey's you-know-what with. Archie Bunker : How can you do that all in one breath? Beverly LaSalle: I'm a transvestite. Edith Bunker : Could've fooled me. You ain't even got no accent. [Archie finds out the Jeffersons have bought the house next door] Edith : I think it's wonderful. Archie : Oh you'll think it's wonderful when the watermelon rinds come flying out the window. Edith Bunker : Mike is family. Archie Bunker : Gloria is family. What's standing behind me is an accident of marriage. Edith Bunker : Archie, you're home. Archie Bunker : [Sarcastically] No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see before you is a pigment of your imagination. Edith Bunker : He's really a wonderful man, my husband, and underneath he's very sweet. Archie Bunker : Damn that Barney Hefner, I'm gonna murder him. Look what happened to me just now: I nearly busted an ankle jumping over two pyramids that Barney's dog left on our sidewalk. Edith Bunker : Remember Sister Kate, Archie? Archie Bunker : That was that dumb movie about nuns starring Ingrid Bernstein. Edith Bunker : Maybe before I come to bed I should put on my socks. Archie Bunker : Maybe before you come to bed you should stick your feet in the oven. Archie Bunker : Edith, that was an order. Edith Bunker : I ain't taking no orders. I can be a Sunshine lady if I wanna be. And I wanna be. And I am. Archie Bunker : You are in trouble, Edith. You are in big trouble. Edith Bunker : No, you are. 'Cause I ain't getting your dinner on the table until you take back what you said. Archie Bunker : What I said goes. And you don't gotta get no dinner for me 'cause I'm going down to Kelsey's. Edith Bunker : Oh no. You ain't gonna slam this door in my face 'cause this time it's gonna be your face AND I'M GONNA BE THE SLAMMER. Paul : Shalom. Edith Bunker : Shalom? What does that mean? Mike Stivic : Believe it or not, Ma, it means "peace". Gloria Stivic : Jewish people also use it to say "hello" and "good-bye". Edith Bunker : How do you tell if they mean "hello" or "good-bye"? Archie Bunker : Simple, Edith, If a Jew is walking towards you, it means "hello". If he's walkin' away, it means "good-bye". Edith Bunker : When does it mean "peace"? Archie Bunker : In between "hello" and "good-bye". Archie Bunker : And didn't I bring you coffee up to bed like I do every Christmas morning? Edith Bunker : Yeah, Archie. Archie Bunker : All right. That shows you I ain't down. You got to be up to remember to do a thing like that once a year. Edith Bunker : [There's a fire in the house] And our family picture albums. Archie Bunker : If you find the album, Edith, throw it at the fire. If you really wanna risk your life for something, money. Top of the closet on the shelf there, is a my secret cigar box I never told you about with $108 in it. Edith Bunker : A hundred and nine. Archie Bunker : Wait a minute, we don't wanna know what happened there. Don't tell us what happened, we don't want to know. Tell him we don't give a damn what happened, right? Edith Bunker : Right. What happened, Mike? Archie Bunker : Where the hell is going to sleep, with Teresa? Edith Bunker : No, Teresa can sleep in our bed. Archie Bunker : Up against you or up against me? Edith Bunker : Oh no, see, Archie, you'll sleep in Teresa's bed in Mike's old room and I'll ask Teresa to come and sleep with me in our bed in our room, and Mike will sleep on the cot in Teresa's room which used to be Mike's room where you'll be sleeping. See, you won't have to sleep up against nobody, see? Archie Bunker : If I could figure that one out, I'd be sleeping up against a straightjacket. Gloria Stivic : Did you call Dr. Nelson? Edith Bunker : Yeah and he can't come, he says he don't feel well enough to make house calls. He says it sounds like both of you got the same thing, Gloria Stivic : Oh no, you mean Dr. Nelson is sick too? Well what did you tell him? Edith Bunker : I told him to take 2 aspirin and get plenty of rest. Archie Bunker : Do you know how many brands of mushrooms are sold all over this here country? Edith Bunker : Oh, thousands. Archie Bunker : Alright, and how many cans do you think are bought? Edith Bunker : Millions. Archie Bunker : So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it? 100 to one. Mike Stivic : What is that? The new math? Archie Bunker : Do you know the kind of money it takes to raise a child? You know, yanking out the tonsils and the adenoods. Straightening the teeth, straightening the eyes. Edith Bunker : Her eyes? Archie Bunker : All girls go cock-eyed during puberescency. [Door bell rings] Edith Bunker : [Running] I'll get it! Archie Bunker : Geez Louise Edith, why do you have to charge the door like a German shepherd every time the bell rings? Edith Bunker : Well, see, I figured that he was having a heart attack and I had some training in CPR that's Cardiopulminary Resessitation. It was on that TV show 60 Minutes once. Archie Bunker : We watch all of them high class, educational shows right through, no matter how exhausted we get. Edith Bunker : Archie was just trying to help. Kate Korman: Help? He's done nothing but get in the way. Archie Bunker : Say that again. Kate Korman: You are in the way! Archie Bunker : You didn't have to tell me twice. Edith Bunker : Thank you for bringing over that portable TV. Mike Stivic : Is he watching it? Edith Bunker : Oh yeah, all day long. I just wish he'd turn it on. Mike Stivic : Don't worry about it, Ma, TV is better that way any way. Archie Bunker : I'm gonna turn this thing on and get it ready. [turns on the television set] Archie Bunker : Edith, what channel is Kronkite on? Edith Bunker : Channel 2, Archie. The one we don't watch 'cause you always say Walter Kronkite is a Communist. Archie Bunker : I never said that, Edith. The man ain't all red. Edith Bunker : I think he's right, Archie. Like, you haven't said the word "Coon" in almost a year. Archie Bunker : What are you talking about? I say it everyday. Mike Stivic : You haven't said it in front of us. Archie Bunker : Alright then: Coon! Coon! Coon! You wanted it, you got it. Edith : What has four legs, and flys? Archie Bunker : Two pairs of pants! |
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