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 Bud Abbott Quotation"I never understood Lou [Costello]." Movie Title: It Ain't Hay (1943) as Grover Mockridge: Grover Mockridge : Go answer the door. It might be Warner. Wilbur Hoolihan : It won't do no good. We're all signed up with Universal. Movie Title: Bud Abbott Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) as Chick Young: Chick Young : I don't get it. Out of all the guys around here that dame has to pick a guy like you. Wilbur Grey : What's wrong with that? Chick Young : Why don't you go take a look at yourself in the mirror. Wilbur Grey : Why should I hurt my own feelings? Chick Young : Why don't you get down to the police station and tell them you know the story of Dracula and Monster they'd be very interested. Lawrence Talbot: I can't do that because then I'd have to tell them who I am and how I know what I know. Chick Young : Well after what I've seen, there had better not be any 'maybe'. Invisible Man: Oh thats too bad I was hopeing to get in on the fun! Chick Young : Did you say something? Wilbur Grey : I didn't say anything. Invisible Man: Allow me to introduce myself, I'm the Invisible Man! Chick Young : Hey McDougle! You still want you'r exhibits? McDougle: Yeah, where are they? Wilbur Grey : Here comes one of 'em now! Chick Young : You know the old saying? Everything comes in threes. Now suppose a third girl should fall in love with you? Wilbur Grey : What's her name? Chick Young : We'll say her name is Mary. Wilbur Grey : Is she pretty? Chick Young : Beautiful! Wilbur Grey : Naturally, she'd have to be. Chick Young : Now you have Mary, you have Joan, and you have Sandra. So, to prove to you that I'm your pal, your bosom friend, I'll take one of the girls off your hands. Wilbur Grey : Chick you're what a call a real pal... you take Mary. Lawrence Talbot: So! We meet again, Count Dracula. Dracula : Dracula? Wilbur Grey : Yes. That's who he says you are. Dracula : Oh. My costume perhaps? Chick Young : No. Talbot here thinks you're the real thing! Wilbur Grey : Uh-huh. Right out of McDougal's House of Horrors. Dracula : What an odd hallucination. But, the human mind is often inflamed with strange complexes. I suggest you consult your physician, Mr. Talbot. Chick Young : And take him with you please. Movie Title: Hold That Ghost (1941) as Chuck: Ferdie : I called 42 Oh, Chucks and you didn't come in. Chuck : I came in as soon as you hollered "Oh, Chuck!" Ferdie : From now on, don't wait for me to say "Oh, Chuck!" Get in here on the "Oh!" Ferdie : If you see a pair of pants go flyin' through the air, don't grab 'em. Chuck : Why not? Ferdie : I'll be in 'em! Movie Title: One Night in the Tropics (1940) as Abbott: [Costello lights up a cigar] Abbott : Put that out there's no smoking in here. Costello : What makes you think i'm smokin'? Abbott : You've got a cigar in your mouth! Costello : I've got shoes on, don' mean i'm walkin. Costello : He's gonna make a wonderful husband. Abbott : You don't even know what a husband is. Costello : A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed. Movie Title: The Abbott and Costello Show (1952) as Bud Abbott: [Mr. Davis walks into bedroom, crash is heard, and Abbott looks in] Sidney : What's wrong? Bud Abbott : No floor. Bud Abbott : Just mark down, "Dear druggist". Lou Costello : "Dear druggist"... Go ahead. Bud Abbott : Here's what you want. You want seven milligrams of sulfursilic monosetic acid diluted in seven micrograms of tincturized chlorophyll. Have you got that? Lou Costello : All but one part. Bud Abbott : What part? Lou Costello : The part that comes after "Dear druggist". Movie Title: Keep 'Em Flying (1941) as Blackie Benson: Blackie Benson : No, you don't want to drink. Remember, every time you go into a barroom, the Devil goes in with you. Heathcliff : If he does, he buys his own drink. Movie Title: Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff (1949) as Casey Edwards: Casey Edwards : Freddie, where did you that gun? Freddie Phillips : I don't know. Casey Edwards : Freddie! I am going to ask you for the last time. Where did you get that gun? Freddie Phillips : I don't know. Casey Edwards : Where did you get that gun? Freddie Phillips : Hey, that's not fair. You said "for the last time". I answered it. Freddie Phillips : It's a booby trap. Casey Edwards : For what? Freddie Phillips : For boobs. Movie Title: The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap (1947) as Duke Egan: Chester Wooley : We stop the stage, the bandits are waiting for the stage, and then you show up instead of the stage. Duke Egan : That's pretty well-staged. Movie Title: The Naughty Nineties (1945) as Dexter Broadhurst: Dexter Broadhurst : Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Funny names? Dexter Broadhurst : Nicknames. Nicknames. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Not -- not as funny as my name -- Sebastian Dinwiddie. Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, yes, yes, yes! Sebastian Dinwiddle : Funnier than that? Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third -- Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. Dexter Broadhurst : I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I don't Know is on third -- Sebastian Dinwiddle : You know the fellows' names? Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well, then, who's playin' first? Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I mean the fellow's name on first base. Dexter Broadhurst : Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle : The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. Dexter Broadhurst : Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle : The guy on first base. Dexter Broadhurst : Who is on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well, what are you askin' me for? Dexter Broadhurst : I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm asking you -- who's on first? Dexter Broadhurst : That's the man's name! Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's who's name? Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well, go ahead and tell me! Dexter Broadhurst : Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle : The guy on first. Dexter Broadhurst : Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle : The first baseman. Dexter Broadhurst : Who is on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Have you got a first baseman on first? Dexter Broadhurst : Certainly. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then who's playing first? Dexter Broadhurst : Absolutely. Sebastian Dinwiddle : When you pay the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Dexter Broadhurst : Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who is? Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : So who gets it? Dexter Broadhurst : Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who's wife? Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. After all the man earns it. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who does? Dexter Broadhurst : Absolutely. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base. Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, no, no, What is on Second base. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not asking you who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I'm trying to find out. Dexter Broadhurst : Well, don't change the players around. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not changing nobody. Dexter Broadhurst : Now, take it easy. Sebastian Dinwiddle : What's the guy's name on first base? Dexter Broadhurst : What's the guy's name on second base. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not askin' ya who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. Dexter Broadhurst : He's on third. We're not talking about him. Sebastian Dinwiddle : How could I get on third base? Dexter Broadhurst : You mentioned his name. Sebastian Dinwiddle : If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? Dexter Broadhurst : No, who's playing first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Stay offa first will ya? Dexter Broadhurst : Well what do you want me to do? Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now what's the guy's name on first base? Dexter Broadhurst : What's on second. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not asking ya who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. Dexter Broadhurst : He's on third. Sebastian Dinwiddle : There I go back on third again. Dexter Broadhurst : Well, I can't change their names. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Say, will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst. Dexter Broadhurst : Please. Now what is it you want to know? Sebastian Dinwiddle : What is the fellow's name on third base? Dexter Broadhurst : What is the fellow's name on second base. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not askin' ya who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. Dexter Broadhurst , Sebastian Dinwiddle : Third base! Sebastian Dinwiddle : You got an outfield? Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, sure. Sebastian Dinwiddle : St. Louis has got a good outfield? Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, absolutely. Sebastian Dinwiddle : The left fielder's name? Dexter Broadhurst : Why? Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know, I just thought I'd ask. Dexter Broadhurst : Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then tell me who's playing left field. Dexter Broadhurst : Who's playing first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Stay out of the infield. Dexter Broadhurst : Don't mention any name out there. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field. Dexter Broadhurst : What is on second. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm not asking you who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst : Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. Dexter Broadhurst : Now take it easy, take it east. Sebastian Dinwiddle : And the left fielder's name? Dexter Broadhurst : Why. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Because. Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat please. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Center Field. Dexter Broadhurst : Pick up your hat. And stop this -- Now look, please. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Mr. Broadhurst. Dexter Broadhurst : Yes? Sebastian Dinwiddle : Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team? Dexter Broadhurst : Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name. Dexter Broadhurst : Tomorrow. Sebastian Dinwiddle : You don't want to tell me today? Dexter Broadhurst : I'm telling you man. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then go ahead. Dexter Broadhurst : Tomorrow. Sebastian Dinwiddle : What time? Dexter Broadhurst : What time what? Sebastian Dinwiddle : What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? Dexter Broadhurst : Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on -- Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'll break your arm if you say who's on first. Dexter Broadhurst : Then why come up here and ask? Sebastian Dinwiddle : I want to know what's the pitcher's name. Dexter Broadhurst : What's on second. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I don't know. Sebastian Dinwiddle , Dexter Broadhurst : Third base! Sebastian Dinwiddle : You gotta catcher? Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : The Catcher's name? Dexter Broadhurst : Today. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Today. And tomorrow's pitching. Dexter Broadhurst : Now you've got it. Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all. Dexter Broadhurst : Well I can't help that. Alright. What do you want me to do? Sebastian Dinwiddle : Gotta catcher? Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I'm a good catcher too you know. Dexter Broadhurst : I know that. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I would like to play for the St. Louis team. Dexter Broadhurst : Well I might arrange that. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching. Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy bunts the ball. Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who. Dexter Broadhurst : Now, that's the first thing you've said right. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Dexter Broadhurst : Well, that's all you have to do. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Is to throw it to first base. Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now who's got it? Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who has it? Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle : O.K. Dexter Broadhurst : Now you've got it. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : No you don't, you throw the ball to first base. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then who gets it? Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle : O.K. Dexter Broadhurst : Alright. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I throw the ball to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : You don't. You throw it to Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : Well, naturally. Say it that way. Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I said. Dexter Broadhurst : You did not. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : You don't. You throw it to Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle : So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it. Dexter Broadhurst : No. You throw the ball to first base -- Sebastian Dinwiddle : Then who gets it? Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I'm saying. Dexter Broadhurst : You're not saying that. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Excuse me folks. Dexter Broadhurst : It's alright. I'm sorry folks. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I throw the ball to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : You throw it to Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst : Naturally. Well say it that way. Sebastian Dinwiddle : That's what I'm saying. Dexter Broadhurst : Don't get excited. Now don't get excited. Sebastian Dinwiddle : I throw the ball to first base. Dexter Broadhurst : Then Who gets it. Sebastian Dinwiddle : He better get it. Dexter Broadhurst : That's it. Alright now don't get excited. Take it easy. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Hmmph. Dexter Broadhurst : Hmmph. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Dexter Broadhurst : Uh-huh. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I Don't know. I Don't know throws it back to Tomorrow -- a triple play. Dexter Broadhurst : Yeah. It could be. Sebastian Dinwiddle : Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know. And I don't care. Dexter Broadhurst : What was that? Sebastian Dinwiddle : I said, I DON'T CARE. Dexter Broadhurst : Oh, that's our shortstop! |
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