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 Dennis Miller Quotation"When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers." "America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school." "Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer." You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like "Home Improvement"? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It's your life; live it on your terms. These liberals are telling me that I should take it easy on the terrorists. They said that our founding fathers would have gone easier on them. They were, after all, for civil liberties. Let me ask you a question: Do you really think that our founding fathers would have put up with any of this shit? I mean, our founding fathers blew peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their morning beverage! On filmmaker Michael Moore during a 2003 episode of The Tonight Show: "He's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name, okay? Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong." "The only way we were going to get the French to go into Iraq was to tell them we thought there were truffles in there." Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours. I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed. "Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince." "I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz." Movie Title: The Net (1995) as Dr. Alan Champion: Dr. Alan Champion : I figured you'd be hungry, so I stopped on the way over. I got your favorite, Chinese. Angela : Um, it's your favorite. I never really cared for it, remember? Dr. Alan Champion : Ah, it's immaterial, I knew it was somebody's favorite. [On a friend of Alan Champion's, who works for the FBI] Angela Bennett : Do you trust him? Dr. Alan Champion : Sure, I trust him. I used to hold his head over the toilet at frat parties. Dr. Alan Champion : This is bizarre. I haven't seen you in so long. What are we even doing here? Angela : Um, I just figured you would be safe. Dr. Alan Champion : Oh great, so I've gone from being a self-centered asshole to safe. Thank you very much. Angela : No, I just figured that they couldn't, um, trace me to you and that your, your patient records are confidential, right? Dr. Alan Champion : My patient records! Yeah, I knew I had my subtle charms. [Alan holds up martini glasses] Dr. Alan Champion : Guess what time it is? Gibsons! Almost. We have no onions, so we'll have to use these: Seldane, the antihistamine of champions. Dr. Alan Champion : You know, what's frightening me is, I'm starting to think that you're not delusional. Dr. Alan Champion : Will you be handling the outpatient care, nurse? Angela : Well, do you mind? Dr. Alan Champion : Visions of sponge baths dance in my head. Movie Title: The Raw Feed (2003) as Dennis Miller: Dennis Miller : We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three "R's" actually starts with the letter "r" Dennis Miller : What if all those crop circles are just huge ads for Target? Dennis Miller : We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. Dennis Miller : Ever wonder if the crop circles were just ads for Target? [on taxes] Dennis Miller : I'm sick and tired of the left telling me what a fuck-up I am, and then in the same breath demanding 48% of my fucked-upedness. How's about the courtesy of a reach-around, guys? [on Sean Penn's visit to Iraq] Dennis Miller : If only Saddam Hussein were a Paparazzi. Movie Title: Joe Dirt (2001) as Zander Kelly: Zander Kelly : So, what you're telling me, is that you're so ingrained with White Trash, that your facial hair just grows in all white trashy like that? Zander Kelly : What's the story here, I'm a white trash idiot? Zander Kelly : God Almighty, from inbred heaven?, hey freak boy, 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back. Zander Kelly : What's the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus? Movie Title: Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1994) as Dennis Miller: Space Ghost : Dennis, you've played a number of cops. Tell us how you came to be Robocop - the ultimate cop! Dennis Miller : Well, listen, I had, uh, done a one-man show as Peter Weller called "Give 'Em Hell, Peter" for years off-Broadway... Space Ghost : Hang on, Peter. I'm way too angry to check out each off-Broadway production of "Robocop." I'll wait until it's on-Way! Space Ghost : Hey, have you heard my famous story? [beat] Space Ghost : It starts in a couple of minutes. [beat] Space Ghost : Beat. A long beat. Dennis Miller : [laughing] C'mon, what, do you need an edit point, Space Ghost? Space Ghost : The race war had begun. [cartoon stock footage of missiles and robots appears] Space Ghost : Machines were building robot babies to replace other babies. Everyone knows what happened next. [cartoon stock footage of surfing teens] Space Ghost : The end! Dennis Miller : [laughs] Space Ghost : Written by Space Ghost! Robots by ILM... and Space Ghost! [beat] Space Ghost : George Lucas by Space Ghost! House lights up, people leave theater. Trash... everywhere. Movie Title: Bordello of Blood (1996) as Rafe Guttman / Rafe: Katherine : A whorehouse? Rafe : A house inhabited by whores. Rafe Guttman : You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality. [Zeke's shot knocks a beer onto a girl.] Rafe Guttman : Six pack in the side cleavage! Zeke : Step outside! Rafe Guttman : Sorry, Zeke -- I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob. [Rafe is trying to gain access to the whorehouse, which is disguised as a funeral home.] Rafe Guttman : I'm here for the, um, Cunningham wake. McCutheon : I'm afraid the wake is closed tonight. Come back tomorrow. Rafe Guttman : I, uh, really must pay my respects right now. McCutheon : Then I suggest you come back TOMORROW. Rafe Guttman : Maybe you don't understand me. I'm feeling excruciatingly SAD. McCutheon : I'm so sorry. Rafe Guttman : And if I don't grieve right now -- maybe even grieve two or three times -- I'm going to go out of my mind, okay? McCutheon : Then I suggest you go mourn somewhere in private -- with a box of tissues! Rafe Guttman : I'm not going to tell you those aren't the Breasts of the Century, but I'm just not digging the owner, so why don't you put those away; you're just not my type. Rafe Guttman : Ah, the girls! Let them eat a guy named "Cake." Tamara : Guess where you just landed, lover? Rafe Guttman : Larry Flynt's id? Rafe Guttman : I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Tales From The Crypt! [talking to a she-vampire] Rafe Guttman : I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick to the bullet train than fuck you. [seeing a televangelist's glitzy chapel] Rafe Guttman : Nice place, Katherine. Kind of like Superman's dad's place on Krypton. [On the phone with his ex-wife] Rafe Guttman : I gotta go. Fuck you. [hangs up] Rafe Guttman : Sorry Katherine, but that wasn't your brother anymore. Caleb : Wrong! I'll always be your brother, sis. Rafe Guttman : Katherine, run from your brother. [Katherine attempts to swing on a chain from one platform to another.] Rafe : That is the craziest fuckin' thing I've... [Rafe attempts to leave, but sees the Vampire Caleb following close, and returns to Katherine] Rafe : That is the second craziest fuckin' thing I've... [A vampire bursts into flames after being squirted with Holy water] Rafe Guttman : Cha-Ching! Movie Title: Saturday Night Live 80 (1975) as Dennis Miller: ["Weekend Update" closing line] Dennis Miller : That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE. Movie Title: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992) as Dennis Miller: Dennis Miller : I like Dick Cheney, because he's perpetually pissed off. Movie Title: Dennis Miller Live (1994) as Dennis Miller: Dennis Miller : Al D'Amato is a waste of an apostraphe. Dennis Miller : [to Dr. Jocelyn Elders] How ironic that masturbation was the topic that caused you to get fired from Washington by a bunch of jagoffs. [repeated line] Dennis Miller : Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. Movie Title: Murder at 1600 (1997) as Detective Steve Stengel: Detective Steve Stengel : This looks...um...handled. |
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