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 Seth Green Quotation"There are two kinds of people in this world: Michael Jackson fans and losers." "Doing something because it's quote-unquote a good career move doesn't really appeal to me. There's never a surefire good career move except doing good work." [May 30, 2003] [of being famous:] "It's a period of adjustment. I've gotten a lot better at it. After working for 18 years, all of a sudden I became successful on a level where other people knew it. It's not a cat you can put back in the bag." [about being a child star:] "My childhood success came and went real fast. Between 12 and 16, I grew -- as much as I was going to, anyway -- and no longer looked the same. Like most child actors, I found it a difficult adjustment. Still, I've done so many things that I wasn't associated with one thing. I'm an actor, not a celebrity. When recognition became an issue a few years ago, part of me felt undeserving. Desperate to maintain my popularity, I was performing all the time. Then, I caught a glimpse of myself at the MTV Music Awards -- dressed in leather, grasping for jokes -- and set about changing my habits. Now that I've stopped trying so hard, I'm more comfortable in my skin." [on improvising:] "... three movies with Mike Myers certainly loosened me up. He told me that there's a switch in your brain that censors you, makes you second-guess. You have to turn it off, shut out the fear of being embarrassed and making a mistake. Being a good improvisational actor is all about being in the scene, getting out of your head. 'Conan O'Brien' is my favorite interviewer because he pays attention and has no game plan." [of his character Lyle in _Italian Job, The (2003)_:] "There's no greater way to gain an audience's sympathy than by being unfortunate. My main goal was to not make him this mono-dimensional computer guy. There had to be a reason this guy could hang with this tough crew. I didn't want him to be dorky, but a little unfortunate and a little embittered, the kind of guy who has this massive motorcycle he can't even ride." [on his character Lyle in _Italian Job, The (2003)_ who speaks a lot of technical jargon:] "I don't believe in e-mail. I rarely use a cell phone and I don't have a fax. But part of the reason I got this job is that I'm good at making complicated technical terms sound normal. It sounds obnoxious, but I compare it to doing Shakespeare. You just figure out the emotional content of the line and go with that. It doesn't matter what you're saying if you come from an honest place. Though most people don't know half the words, you don't have to dumb down. I hate when they show a policeman saying "I've got a 3-U at Baker Street ... breaking and entering." No one talks like that." God is, to me, pretty much an idea. God is, to me, pretty much a myth created over time to deny the idea that we're all responsible for our own actions. [on improvising dialogue as Scott Evil in scenes with Mike Myers in Movie Title: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery:] "[Dr. Evil's] whole shhh! thing was made up on the spot. It's a testament to Mike Myers' brilliance. They just keep going after the written scene is over, and fucking magic happens." (May 14, 1999) [on playing the character Oz in Movie Title: Buffy the Vampire Slayer:] "The script that wooed me was for the episode where I first turn into a werewolf. Before I signed, Joss said, 'Read this. This is what we're thinking.' It had all this metaphorical stuff and gave strong shades to the character. I said, 'Yeah, I want to be a part of this.'" (May 14, 1999) Movie Title: Can't Buy Me Love (1987) as Chuckie Miller: [Chucky about Ronald's card nights] Chuckie Miller : Cards with the tards. Who could beat a night of cards, chips, dips and dorks?!! Ronald Miller : I'm going to a party. John Richmond's, with Cindi Mancini. Chuckie Miller : Cindi Mancini? Senior, captain of the cheerleaders, most beautiful girl in the history of this county? Ronald Miller : That's her. Well, I'm late, gotta bolt. Chuckie Miller : Bolt? Something stinks in suburbia. Chuckie Miller : You nuked my brother. Cindy Mancini : What? Chuckie Miller : You took him from "geek" status, to "king" status, to no status. [Dinner conversation at the Millers on report card day] Ronald Miller : Here is the primate example. You raise a doll-chopping homicidal maniac, and what do you do every time you see him? You give him money. Great! Chuckie Miller : Chillin! Rons Dad : Shut up, Chuck! Chuckie Miller : I was talking to Ma! Rons Mom : Shut up, Chuck! Chuckie Miller : You nuked my brother. Cindy Mancini : Chucky Miller, right? I see he has resorted to sending his messenger boy. Chuckie Miller : [Looks around] I see no boy here. Movie Title: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) as Scott Evil: Scott Evil : Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool. Scott Evil : It's no hassle... Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : But... Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : I'm... Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : All I'm say... Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : There gonna get a... Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : I'm... Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : I'm just... Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : Would... Dr. Evil : Sh!... Knock-knock. Scott Evil : Who's there? Dr. Evil : Sh! Scott Evil : But... Dr. Evil : Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it. Dr. Evil : Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers Scott Evil : What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? Dr. Evil : I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. [Dr. Evil has left Austin and Vanessa to their doom] Scott Evil : Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away! Dr. Evil : No, no, no. I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying. I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan... What? Scott Evil : I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet. Dr. Evil : An evil vet? Scott Evil : No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo. Dr. Evil : An evil petting zoo? Scott Evil : You always do that! Scott Evil : I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me. Therapist : He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that. Dr. Evil : No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man. Scott Evil : I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab! Dr. Evil : Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly. Frau Farbissina : Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever? Dr. Evil : Oh sure. Frau Farbissina : Well, after a couple of years we got a little... impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son. Dr. Evil : My son? Frau Farbissina : Ja. SCOTT! [Scott enters] Dr. Evil : Hello Scott. Scott Evil : Hi. Dr. Evil : I'm your father. Dr Evil. Scott Evil : I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What? Dr. Evil : Can I have a hug? Scott Evil : No. Dr. Evil : Give me a hug. Scott Evil : No way. Dr. Evil : Come on. Let's go. Pronto. Scott Evil : What are you doing? Dr. Evil : I'm with it. I'm hip. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug. Scott Evil : Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho! [Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out] Dr. Evil : Hug, hug, hug. Austin Powers : [holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil : Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care. Scott Evil : But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group. Dr. Evil : I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent! Movie Title: Idle Hands (1999) as Mick: Mick : That is some one-hit shit. Anton : Hey, I didn't kill anyone on purpose, okay! Mick : Yeah well we weren't in hell! I mean there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music... Anton : Music? Pnub : Yeah kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices they were saying "Come to us, come towards the light". Anton : So what happened? Mick : We figured, fuck it, I mean it was really far! Mick : [to 911 operator] There is something wrong with my friend, I think he smoked some nutmeg or something. Mick : I'm gonna go call 911. What's the number? Mick : [holding an electric carving knife] Look at me! Look at me! I'm Leatherface! [Anton is about to chop off his 'evil' right hand] Mick : Wait a minute. If you chop off your right hand, how are you going to chop the other one off? Anton : Oh no, man, the lefty's a keeper. I mean, I hit the remote with it, light up with it, relieve a little tension... Anton : You lied to me! Mick : You killed me, let's try to keep this thing in perspective here! Pnub : Maybe we should clean that up. Mick : Yeah, and while we're at it, let's just clean the whole fuckin' house. Mick : Yeah I was a little bitter about the getting killed by my best friend thing but I've had time to get over it. Anton : All I do is sit around all day, smoke pot, watch TV... Mick : No, no! No Kevin Costner speech. Let's just go. Pnub : Hey don't forget my bong Mick : You did not make that bong Pnub : Yeah I did, welted it and shit Mick : You don't even take auto-shop Pnub : Fuck you Mick : It's Mighty Joe bong! Mick : SWEET JESUS! Pnub : Ok, that wasn't my fault, that thing should've come down a LOT slower! Mick : Let's go walk through a nurse. Mick : Hey you're right, Anton screams like a girl. Movie Title: Greg the Bunny (2002) as Jimmy: [Gil drops by Jimmy's apartment unexpectedly] Gil : Hey there son... Jimmy : [surprised] What're you doing here? Gil : Something I should have done a long time ago! [Gil wraps his arms around Jimmy and gives his son a big hug] Jimmy : What? Molest me? [talking about supporting Greg The Bunny's interest in the Pupish Movement] Jimmy : Hey, why don't you guys give him a break? Instead of stabbing him in the back, why don't you try showing him a little support in the front? Lets face it, humans have been mis-treating puppets for centuries. It's nothing new. We lure them to our country with the tartar sauce, and the lollipops, and the empty promises of sparklers which I believe are yet unfulfilled. Tardy, you got your sparklers? Tardy : I'm tough but nice. Jimmy : Yea that's what I thought! And then we go and trade their hides for, you know, cheap whiskey during the war of the roses. Dottie : Is that true? Count Blah : No Jimmy : We had them build our airplanes and our suspension bridges and our jet packs and our race cars but can you name me one puppet that's ever taken home the trophy at the Minneapolis 500? I dare ya. Can ya? No! Alison: I understood the pupish better. [Greg asks Jimmy to ask his father, a television producer, to get Greg a job] Greg : Please? Jimmy : No! Greg : Fine, then I'll just have to repeat your name over and over until you say yes. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy... Jimmy : It's not going to work. [5 minutes later] Greg : Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy... Jimmy : Alright! I'll call him! Movie Title: Can't Hardly Wait (1998) as Kenny Fisher: [Kenny's homeboys see him display his 'love kit'] Ritchie Koolboy : Aw damn, man. Our boy's a fag, yo. DJ Sammy : Yo, who's a fag? Kenny Fisher : Yo, both of y'all. That is a "Fragrance of Love" scented candle, bitch. Damn! Kenny Fisher : Yo, I gotta have sex tonight! I mean peep this - They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo! Hey, you know what that means? Ritchie Koolboy : What? Kenny Fisher : It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo. Kenny Fisher : 'Sup, ladies? Yo Jana, wanna dance? Jana : I'm allergic. Kenny Fisher : You're allergic to dancing? Jana : Yeah. Kenny Fisher : [thinking] All right this is it. It is finally time for Kenny Fisher to become... da man. Now I've done my laps, and all ten finalists are present and accounted for. Ten lovely ladies, yo. Each one at my disposal. Ten willing and able tour guides into the theme park of love. But who will it be? Which of you gorgeous ten will be the lucky one? Kenny Fisher : [to Denise Fleming] Woman, this is all *your* fault. Come bargin' in here like a friggin' moose. [makes strange "moose" noises.) Kenny Fisher : [to Denise Fleming] I did not write 'Denise Fleming is a tampon' on your locker. Kenny Fisher : Yo, I'm just pausin' while those two hos over there scratch it out over who gets to knock the boots with me! [clicks feet together] Kenny Fisher : Ya know what I'm saying? Yeah! Ritchie Koolboy : What two ho's? DJ Sammy : I don't see no ho's yo. [Kenny and his homeboys start shoving each other around] Kenny Fisher : Yo, what, you callin' me a liar. DJ Sammy : Hey, yo why you shovin' cracker? Ritchie Koolboy : Yo, you better recognize, fool. [they stop shoving] Kenny Fisher : Why y'all gotta waste my flava? Damn! Kenny Fisher : You got... you HAVE no idea what you're talking about. You don't even know me anymore. Movie Title: Austin Powers: Goldmember (2002) as Scott Evil: Number 2 : Dr. Evil, can you continue with your plan? Dr. Evil : Of course, Number 2, our plan is SCOTTY DON'T. Scott Evil : Oh, come on, you're such a lame ass. Scott Evil : [to Dr Evil] I hate you. [To Austin] Scott Evil : I hate you. [to Foxxy] Scott Evil : I don't even know you but I hate you too. [to Mini-Mi] Scott Evil : And I ESPECIALLY hate you. [Scott runs away] Dr. Evil : I just would like to say no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl Dr. Evil : Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H. [Scott snickers] Dr. Evil : What? Scott Evil : Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass. Dr. Evil : I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream? Scott Evil : Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream. Dr. Evil : Perhaps later. Number 2 : Dr. Evil, I love your plan. Dr. Evil : You do? Frau Farbissina : Yah. It's a really good plan. Dr. Evil : Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good. [Scott resumes snickering] Dr. Evil : What is it now? Scott Evil : No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole. Movie Title: Enemy of the State (1998) as Selby: Selby : Jones, Krug, what, are you guys from Communications? Jones : No, we're Ops. Fiedler : You can tell by their haircuts. Movie Title: Party Monster (2003) as James: James : You've gone too far with the drugs Michael Alig : Have you looked in the mirror lately? [To the Club Kids] Dallas stage hand : Okay, you guys are on stage in five. James : What do you mean, on stage? Dallas stage hand : You know - your show. James : Wait, what show? [stage hand walks off] James : But we don't do anything! James : I'm not addicted to drugs, I'm addicted to glamour. Michael : You and I are like two peas in a pod. James : I pity the pod. [After James' phone conversion with Michael, who is in prison] Interviewer: I can't believe you still talk to him. James : Well, when was the last time you heard of a pea changing its pod? James : Oh, please, no one wants to hear your sob story. "Waah, I was molested. Waah!" Michael : Hello, I'm Michael Alig. James : Well, I'll alert the media. Gotta dash! Michael : Oh, no thanks... I don't do drugs. James : Neither do I! Did you see that? It just flew right up my nose! [Phone conversation] Michael Alig : It's not so bad and after Gitsie and I get married we can have conjugal visits! James : Oh Michael, didn't you hear? Gitsie's dead. She had an overdose. [Michael is silent] James : Half the fun of eating meat is hacking it up! Michael Alig : James, would I lie to you James : All the time! Movie Title: Knockaround Guys (2001) as Johnny Marbles: Johnny Marbles : Yeah, cause you wouldn't wanna misplace your cow or anything. Movie Title: Josie and the Pussycats (2001) as Travis: Travis : Can you tell Marco to stop doing my face? Movie Title: Rat Race (2001) as Duane Cody: Duane Cody : One of us has to be the victim, one of us has to be the witness. What kind of a witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying. Duane Cody : It's true, you could break your neck. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. [An airplane flies past the Cody brothers as they check their map] Duane Cody : Where the hell is the airport? Duane Cody : Come back here, stupid hardware guy! Duane Cody : What do you mean that's it? I'm not giving up! And neither are you! And neither am I! [Talking about Sinclair and his idea for them competing in the "race"] Merrill : It's some sort of joke. It has to be. Duane Cody : What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million? Owen Templeton : Maybe it's a publicity stunt. Randy Pear : What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy. Vera Baker : Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt. Randy Pear : A *secret* publicity stunt? Movie Title: America's Sweethearts (2001) as Danny: Lee : Okay. Siegfried and Roy just left the building. Danny : Siegfried and Roy are here? Lee : No. Not the real Siegfried and R... It's a code. *You* wanted to play this stupid game, you schmuck. Danny : Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat the monkey is in daycare. Movie Title: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) as Scott: Scott : If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something? Dr. Evil : How about, no, Scott? Dr. Evil : As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? Scott : Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope? Number Two : Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions. Dr. Evil : Why make a trillion when we could make... billions? Scott : A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts. Dr. Evil : [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star." [Scott snickers] Dr. Evil : What? Scott : Oh, nothing, Darth. Dr. Evil : What did you call me? Scott : Nothing. [pretends to sneeze] Scott : Ripoff. Scott : Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father. Dr Evil : Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. Scott : Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets. Dr Evil : Probably. Movie Title: It (1990) as Young Richie: Young Bill : Swear to me. Swear to me that if it isn't dead, we'll all come back. Young Bev : I swear. Young Ben : Swear. Young Mike : I swear it. Young Richie : I swear. Young Eddie : I swear, too. Young Stan : Swear. Young Richie : One out of ten. You're worse than I am, kiddo. At this rate, we might as well let that damn clown take us one by one. Young Bill : Beep beep Richie. Who's left? Ben? Bev? Young Richie : Yeah, and one of them better be good, Bill, because right now, you're in the lead with a pathetic three out of ten. Young Bill : Richie, will you PLEASE shut up? Young Richie : You know you don't stutter all the time? Young Mike : Thanks. Young Stan : Any time. Young Mike : Who are you guys anyway? Young Eddie : We're sort of a club. Young Bev : Yeah, the Losers Club. Young Richie : Yeah. Young Bill : You w-want in? Young Mike : Yeah. Yeah, I do. Movie Title: Infested (1993) as Tyler: Tyler : Have you ever killed anyone? Panic : What kind of a question is that? Tyler : A pretty direct one. Panic : I've killed about as many people as you've boned. Tyler : That many? Wow! Movie Title: Infested (1993) as Tyler: Tyler : Have you ever killed anyone? Panic : What kind of a question is that? Tyler : A pretty direct one. Panic : I've killed about as many people as you've boned. Tyler : That many? Wow! Movie Title: Angel: The Series (1999) as Oz: Angel : Oz. Oz : Angel. Angel : Nice surprise. Oz : Thanks. Angel : Staying Long? Oz : Few Days. [long pause] Allen Francis Doyle : [to Cordelia] They always like this? Oz : No, we're usually laconic. Movie Title: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997) as Oz: Buffy : We have a marching jazz band? Oz : Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary. Willow : Do you wanna make out with me? Oz : What? Willow : Forget it. I'm sorry. Well, do you? Oz : Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage. Oh, I'm not gonna kiss you. Willow : What? But freeze frame. Oz : Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you're trying to make your friend Xander jealous or even the score or something. And that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy when I'm kissing *you*, you're kissing *me*. It's okay. I can wait. [the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return] Giles : To hide this, to take this in your own hands... Buffy : I was going to tell you. But I didn't know why he was back or anything. I wanted to wait. Xander : For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy? Buffy : I'm not going to... We're not together like that. Oz : But you were kissing him. Buffy : [to Xander] You were spying on me? What gives you the right? Cordelia : What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again? Buffy : It was an accident. Xander : What? You just tripped and fell on his lips? Buffy : It was wrong. It can't happen again. But I... I'd never put you guys in danger. If I knew Angel was going to hurt anyone... Xander : You'd stop him? Like you tried when he took out Miss Calendar? Buffy : Gee, you'd just love a reason to kill him. Wouldn't you? Xander : I don't need a reason. A lot of dead people, including Jenny Calendar, already constitutes a reason. Larry : I would love to get me some of that Buffy and Willow action, if you know what I mean. Oz : That's great, Larry, you've really mastered the single entendre. Oz : We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny? Cordelia : What's the difference? Oz : Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny. Xander : Well, I hate brie. Cordelia : I know. It smells like Giles' cat. Cordelia : When did you become Martha Stewart? Buffy : First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto. Xander : I don't believe she slays, either. Oz : Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to. Buffy : What are you guys talking about? Oz : Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again. Buffy : He's not my boyfriend. Really and truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool? Xander : Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you. Cordelia : I don't. Just for the record. Buffy : I can't believe you got into Oxford. Willow : It's pretty exciting. Oz : That's some deep academia there. Buffy : That's where they make Gileses. Willow : I know. I can learn, and have scones. Oz : Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... you know, I'm not thinking about class 'cause that would never happen... I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops, it's like, freeze frame: Willow kissage. Xander : You're considered somewhat cool. Oz : I am? Xander : Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-commital sentences? Oz : Could be. Willow : This is so frustrating. Oz : Nothing useful? Willow : No, it's great. If we wanna make ferns invisible or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here. Oz : Our lives are different than other people's. Oz : So, do you steal weapons from the Army often? Willow : Well, we don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun. Xander : Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow 'll fill you in. Willow : I know it's hard to accept at first. Oz : Actually, it explains a lot. Oz : I can see why you would be upset. Oh, that was my sarcastic voice. Xander : You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice. Oz : I've been told that. Oz : It's Willow, she's nearby. Cordelia : What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume. Oz : She's afraid. Cordelia : Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing. Oz : I really agree. Oz : Looks dead, smells dead, yet it's moving around. That's interesting. Buffy : Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class. Oz : Which could also be construed as the brain thing. Oz : We survived Buffy : It was a hell of a battle. Oz : Not the battle. High School. Oz : That's okay, I don't do thanks. I turn all red and have to bail. It's not a pretty sight. Oz : Want some animal crackers? Willow : No thanks. Oz : You know the monkey is the only cookie animal that gets clothes... .I wonder if the hippo is like, 'Hey, were are my clothes?' and the monkey is like, 'I mock you with my monkey pants.' . . .All monkeys are French, you didn't know that? Willow : My head. . .it feels big. Is it big? Oz : No, it's head size. Buffy : Oz. hi. I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here. Oz : but your not a rat so call it an upside. Willow : Oz, don't you love me? Oz : My whole life, I've never loved anything else. Rupert Giles : Clearly we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal. Oz : Present. Hey, I may be a cold blooded jelly doughnut - but my timing's impeccable." Xander : You're in a band. That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? Oz : Not the way I play it. Devon : Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies. Oz : Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords. Devon : That's just, like, fruity jazz bands. Xander : I'm still spinning on this whole "fairy tales are real" thing. Oz : So what do we do? Xander : I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans. [about her roomate] Buffy : Ugh. She's even affecting my work now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer. [Kicks and breaks the bench] Buffy : She's other... really... bad things. Oz : On the plus side, you killed the bench which was lookin' shifty. Principal Snyder : You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms. Xander : Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh? Oz : But they go with everything. Willow : Oh, it's just it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party. Oz : It's okay. Willow : But you could come. If you want to. Oz : Well, I don't wanna crash. Willow : No, it's fine. Well, you could be m... my date. Oz : All right. I'm in. Willow : [to herself] I said 'date'. Xander : Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us. Oz : I got to admit, I'm a little disappointed. Giles : I, ah, uh, uh. Willow : Well maybe it doesn't work. Like a piece of art. [Buffy can hear everyone's thoughts] Oz : [Thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [Out loud] Oz : Hmm. Xander : [Thinking] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me. Buffy : God, Xander. Is that all you think about? Xander : Actually... bye. [Runs out of the room] Xander : So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells? [to Oz] Xander : She does spells with Tara. Oz : Yeah, I heard about that. Xander : Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell... and then I do a spell by myself. Oz : I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting. Willow : Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes. Oz : Yeah, it helps. It-it creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night? Willow : Oh. I can't. Oz : Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable. Oz : Once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in "special occasion". [after a battle on graduation day] Oz : Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived. Not the battle. High school. Oz : [on the phone] Aunt Maureen. Hey, it's me. Um, what? Oh. It's, uh... actually it's healing okay. That's pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? Uh-huh. What? No, no reason. Um... Thanks. Yeah, love to Uncle Ken. [Willow has chosen Tara] Oz : It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting. Willow : I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know? Oz : I know. Oz : Well, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs. Willow : Well, don't you have any ambition? Oz : Oh, yeah. Yeah. E-flat diminished ninth. Willow : Huh? Oz : Well, the E-flat, it's... it's doable. But it's that diminished ninth, you know... it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger. Willow : Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either. Oz : You are quite the human. Oz : I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down. Xander : We're losing half the vamps. Oz : Yeah, but... rhythmically. Willow : How can you be so calm? Oz : Long, arduous hours of practice. Xander : Do we hug? Oz : I think we're too manly. Willow : Where's supportive boyfriend guy? Oz : Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning, but he told me to tell you he's afraid you're going to get hurt. [Xander has reenacted Buffy's slaying with fishsticks] Buffy : That's exactly how it happened. Oz : Well, I thought it was riveting. Uh, I was a little unclear about some of the themes. Buffy : The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face. Xander : And the other theme was 'Buy American', but it, uh, got kind of buried. [The Sunnydale adults are acting crazy] Oz : They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh? Xander : Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon. Oz : They're typing those now. [Willow and Oz are caring for Angel] Oz : Any change? Willow : He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy. Oz : You too, huh? Cordelia : I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan. Oz : We attack the Mayor with humus. Cordelia : I stand corrected. Oz : Just keeping things in perspective. Cordelia : Thank you. Xander : We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted. Oz : Well, sure. You're all so weird. Buffy : And the worst part: I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak. Oz : Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat. Willow : Me too. I would vote for that, too. Xander : You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, [ahem] Xander : Slayer kryptonite. Oz : Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills. Xander : You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers. Oz : [thinks] Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird... Buffy : [impatiently] Guys? Reality? Movie Title: Without a Paddle (2004) as Dan Mott: [Billy's Spanish girlfriend rubs herself on his casket] Dan Mott : Billy's dead and he still has a better chance of getting laid than I do. Movie Title: That '70s Show (1998) as Mitch Miller: Mitch Miller : Eric, I didn't take your action figure. Red Forman : [walks by] Doll. Eric Forman : ACTION FIGURE. Movie Title: The Italian Job (2003) as Lyle: Lyle : I am The Napster. [Lyle isn't answering Charlie's calls] Handsome Rob : He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie Charlie Croker : Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster. Lyle : Why not? You call him Left Ear. Left Ear : Well, I am. Lyle : And him Handsome Rob. Charlie Croker : Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob! [introducing Stella to his partners] Charlie Croker : That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea. I think it's his first time riding that bike, though. Lyle : Hey. [Lyle falls over] Charlie Croker : You okay? Lyle : Yeah. [A car drives up] Charlie Croker : That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl... lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since. [A car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella] Charlie Croker : Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase. You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news? Lyle : And then he's just the media darling... He's on the cover of all the magazines, I should of been on the cover of wired magazine. you know what he said? he said he named it Napster because it was his nickname because of the nappy hair under the hat. But he, It's because I was NAPPING when he STOLE it from me. He didn't even graduate. Handsome Rob : I think it's time to move on, don't you? They shut him down, I wish they would do the same to you. Lyle : You'll never shut down the real Napster. Lyle : [after realizing how much money they have stolen] Woo. Yeah. [pauses] Lyle : I got the Holy Spirit... get on it... it's a good train. [Lyle is impersonating Handsome Rob and the cable girl] Lyle : [as Handsome Rob] 'Ello, I'm Handsome Rob, what's your name? Lyle : [as girl] My name's Becky. Buts its uh, written on my shirt. Lyle : [as Handsome Rob] Look, I'm gonna need your shirt and your truck. Lyle : [as girl] Okay. Would you like my virginity as well? Lyle : [as Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu. Lyle : [as Handsome Rob] You're not too bright are you? Lyle : [as girl] No. Lyle : [as Handsome Rob] Perfect. Lyle : [seeing the name "Becky" on the cable-girl's uniform; specifically on her left breast] Becky, huh? Wonder what she calls the other one... Handsome Rob : And it's such a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend, Lyle. Lyle : You want all greens? 'Cause, ah, 'cause you got 'em. [chuckles] Charlie Croker : What have you got? Lyle : Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place. Charlie Croker : You want to do a dry run? Lyle : [singsong] I thought you'd never ask. Lyle : [to Handsome Rob about Charlie's feelings for Stella, in an accent] What, you theenk he's meexing beesness with plezore? Lyle : Nice car. Sorry Rob. Movie Title: Family Guy (1999) as Chris / Chris Griffin / Cameraman / Intern Interviewee: Brian Griffin : Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin : That would explain all the gravity. Tom Tucker : Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane? Diane Simmons : Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people. [they laugh] Cameraman : You guys, we're still on in Boston. [Tom and Diane stare in horror] [trying to get a Scout Merit Badge] Chris Griffin : Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything Peter Griffin : Well, we almost got that one for insect study. [cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat] Peter Griffin : Look Chris, it's a whole family of wasps. Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham. Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. [pause] Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore? Chris Griffin : Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling. Lois Griffin : Peter, where's Chris? Chris Griffin : I love you She Hulk. Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back. Chris Griffin : I... I don't have any hams. Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son. Chris Griffin : I need an adult. I need an adult. Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso. Chris Griffin : Thanks. Old Man: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face? Chris : It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something. Old Man: Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Chris : Well, sure. Old Man: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Chris : No, thanks. I gotta get going. Old Man: Don't make me beg now. Chris : You're funny. Bye. Old Man: Get your fat ass back here. Store owner : Hey, there's no hams under here, you're just a fat kid. Here, fatty fat fatty. Have some chocolate, fatso. Chris Griffin : Thanks. Chris Griffin : Where do you think you go when you die? Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come. Chris Griffin : UPN? Chris Griffin : Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school. Peter Griffin : Yeah? Him and what army? Chris Griffin : The U.S. Army. Peter Griffin : ...that's a good army. [looking at whales] Chris Griffin : Dad, what's the blowhole for? Peter Griffin : I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World. Meg Griffin : Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? Chris Griffin : Well, I've been working out all week. Meg Griffin : You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Chris Griffin : Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. Meg Griffin : [freaked] I don't have a mustache... do I? Chris Griffin : God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner. God's a pervert. Lois Griffin : He's figured out how to get the twinkie. Chris Griffin : Ha ha. I'm gonna turn you into poo. Chris Griffin : Dad, can you help me with my math homework? Peter Griffin : Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology. Chris Griffin : I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz. Meg Griffin : I cant stay in Chris's room the whole week. It smells like bad milk. Chris Griffin : Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up. Brian Griffin : The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown. Chris Griffin : Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA. Brian Griffin : Yes, it is. Chris Griffin : Dad, what would you say if I didn't want to be in the scouts anymore? Peter Griffin : I'd say "come again?" and then I'd laugh because I said "CUM". Meg Griffin : You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad. Chris Griffin : I'm not attracted to dad. Meg Griffin : No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore. Chris Griffin : OH. Meg Griffin : Yipes. [Chris jumps on Peter's lap] Chris Griffin : Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and... [kisses Peter] Peter Griffin : Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again. Chris Griffin : Are you and dad going to get a divorce? Lois Griffin : Oh, honey... maybe. Chris Griffin : Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word that's not kitty. Try and guess. Meg Griffin : Is it kitty? Chris Griffin : AHHH. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. [on the phone] Chris Griffin : So, what are you wearing? [pause] Chris Griffin : Wow. I bet you can see right through that. Lois Griffin : Chris, who are you talking to? Chris Griffin : Grandma. Chris Griffin : It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. Chris Griffin : Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not say "poop". Oh god. What have I done? Lois Griffin : Peter, punish Chris. Peter Griffin : Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do. [Chris begins spanking himself] Chris Griffin : OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we wont go to McDonalds after church. Meg, Chris: MOM. Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you cant supersize. Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww... Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie. Meg Griffin : Oh, come on. Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you cant blow on it. Chris Griffin : Hey, mom, look at these bananas. Peter Griffin : Why you smart little bastard. Lois Griffin : Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special. Peter Griffin : Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section. Meg Griffin : I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body. Chris Griffin : Don't censor me. [Chris is talking to Stewie. It's Christmas] Chris Griffin : Here, it's a Candy-cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell. Chris Griffin : Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework. Lois Griffin : Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby. Stewie Griffin : Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh? Chris : I haven't been this confused since the ending of "No Way Out". [Flashback to Chris & Brian coming out of a theater that's showing "No Way Out"] Chris : How does Kevin Costner keep getting work? Chris Griffin : Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home. [laughing] Peter Griffin : Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge. Peter Griffin : Chris is not as smart as you think he is... [Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head] Chris Griffin : HEY. Peter Griffin : He did it. [Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it] Meg Griffin : Chris! You're hogging all the fans! Chris Griffin : Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY! Chris Griffin : I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg? Meg Griffin : Oh... Well, My boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this Diamond Tiara and this wonderful Scepter (Meg laughs manically then sobbing). Stewie Griffin : She needs to get laid big time! Meg : Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again. Chris : I can't help it, I have these long dancer's legs. [they are in court] Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. [bangs Gavel] Lois : Oh no! Brian : Oh no! Chris : Oh no! Meg : Oh no! [Kool Aid Man busts through wall] Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah! [all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably] Chris Griffin : If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it! Tom Tucker : All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache? Intern Interviewee : I guess so. Tom Tucker : Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? Intern Interviewee : I don't know. Tom Tucker : Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next! Peter Griffin : [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true. Chris Griffin : Cool! I get to be black AND Irish. Meg Griffin : Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt. Chris Griffin : [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking] excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right. |
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