|
|
|
|
 |
|
 Ben Garant QuotationMovie Title: Reno 911! (2003) as Deputy Travis Junior: Deputy Travis Junior : I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people's skin. Deputy Travis Junior : Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you *know* Jeff Gordon's gonna die. [the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear] Doctor: Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear. Deputy S. Jones : Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here. Deputy Travis Junior : Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle? Lt. Jim Dangle : I don't feel the need to explain myself. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey Terry, Sherrifs Department! Terry : Hey Guys! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Heyy. Terry : Whats goin down? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well, I'll tell ya whats goin down Terry, You know that they've installed a camera right here at this redlight here. Terry : Oh My god! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, and it takes a picture whenever someone runs a redlight. Terry : Oh wow that's awesome, It's like the future. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It is awesome. Deputy Travis Junior : So you know why we're here? Terry : Why was there a fire? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You've been chargin' three bucks, you run up when the car is at a red light, and you give a H.J. during the redlight. Terry : Oh my god, that sounds, that's not something that I would ever do. Deputy Travis Junior : Except we've got about... Lieutenant Jim Dangle: We got about 38 photos of you and that's only last night. Terry : Well, I can see how you would think that, But I sell... oranges. Deputy Travis Junior : You sell oranges? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You sell oranges? Terry : Mmhm! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I'll take some. Deputy Travis Junior : Yeah, I'd like some too. Terry : I've sold out, I've sold out of my oranges... I run out and people are like Beep Beep, I go okay, and say you're driving and I just put it in their laps. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well... Deputy Junior: I dont know about that. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on Terry. Terry : I cant, I have to call my girlfriend... listen I don't even know what you're talking about. [Begins tugging Terry away on his roller skates] Deputy Travis Junior : We're talking about you giving hand jobs at three bucks a pop at this redlight up here that's what we're talking about. Terry : Okay okay, a hand job is still a job okay? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on easy does it, Zanna do it right into the car. Terry : You Zanna Don't it! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Did he just say "Zanna Don't it?" [after a 72-hour suicide watch for Weigel, Weigel tells the troops she didn't actually try and kill herself, then Junior comes back with a beer] Deputy Travis Junior : Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall lovely one. [notices the silence] Deputy Travis Junior : What'd I miss? Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean! [Weigel gives everyone the finger] Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you! [sad] Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean! Deputy Travis Junior : What did I miss? Deputy Clementine Johnson : She can't find her way to the ocean. Lt. Jim Dangle : She can't find her way to her car. Deputy Travis Junior : If you were on the moon, and you could fuck Wiegel and then leave her on the moon, you wouldn't fuck Wiegel? Deputy James Garcia : Hell no... hell no! Deputy Travis Junior : What the hell kinda woman do you want then? She's got all the right parts, just the-the... the wiring's screwy, ya know. It's like the flippers work and the bumpers work, it's just the wiring's screwy and the score's all wrong. Lt. Jim Dangle : I think that Craig is a good match for Weigel. Because, you know he's a killer, and Trudy wants to kill herself. Deputy Travis Junior : But she can't ever really do it. She don't succeed. Lt. Jim Dangle : So Craig could be there to give her the extra little push she needs. He'd be the one going "Go ahead and do it." Kind of like a Death Leprechaun... Deputy Travis Junior : Dude, that would be a wicked cool name for a band. Deputy Travis Junior : [to a prisoner] Don't you fucking eyeball me! Go! Now, motherfucker! [to a group of kids behind him] Deputy Travis Junior : Okay kids, let's go on with the tour. Deputy Travis Junior : Who's Garcia's partner today? Lt. Jim Dangle : Not it. Deputy Travis Junior : Not it. Deputy Clementine Johnson : Not it. Lt. Jim Dangle : Trudy. Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What'd I win? Lt. Jim Dangle : You're with Garcia today. Deputy Travis Junior : I don't think there was a real reason for Jones to hit Garcia, cause Garcia's a man who's already down. Garcia ain't got friends, he lives in a little shitty apartment, he don't have no family that I know of. He ain't got no taste. He's racist, he's a sexist, he's a lying bigot horse's ass. I think, you know, hitting him is just throwing shit in front of a shit pile that's already got too much shit in it. Deputy S. Jones : Who's you guys best friend in the whole world? Deputy James Garcia : Santa Claus? Deputy Travis Junior : That's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus. Captain Dwayne Hernandez : There is nothing to fear... except terrorism, and biological and chemical attacks! Have a nice day. Deputy Travis Junior : Oh man, we are screwed. Deputy S. Jones : [points to himself and Deputy Williams] Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there? Lt. Jim Dangle : CPT Deputy Travis Junior : CPT Deputy S. Jones : What? Deputy Williams : What? Excuse me? What's CPT? Deputy Travis Junior : CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats. Lt. Jim Dangle : Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means. Deputy Williams : What? Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT. Deputy S. Jones : Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time. Deputy Travis Junior : You're forgiven Deputy Travis Junior : Do you watch Rev. Lecarp's show? Deputy James Garcia : I'd rather watch cats eat their own shit. Reverend Gigg LeCarp : [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago] You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me! [Points to his false teeth] Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker! [He goes out of the cell and locks it] Reverend Gigg LeCarp : What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh? [Leaves] Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me! Lt. Jim Dangle : [Trying to open the door] The door's locked. Deputy Trudy Wiegel : We're probably in a, in a commercial break. Deputy Travis Junior : He's flipping us the bird outside right now. [LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away] Lt. Jim Dangle : When's the new jailer getting here? Deputy Travis Junior : Tuesday. Three day weekend. Lt. Jim Dangle : Aw... we had to do this on a Friday. Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two. [Everyone yells in protest] Deputy Williams : You gonna hold it in like the rest of us! Lt. Jim Dangle : Number One's only! Number One's only! Deputy Travis Junior : If Reverend LeCarp was busted ten years ago, you musta been working here. Deputy James Garcia : That's correct. I was on patrol with Lieutenant Dangle at the time. He was high on PCP. He made a move for both of us, and he bought himself some stick time. Deputy Travis Junior : What do you mean? Deputy James Garcia : Regular police procedure had failed, so I found it necessary to get out my stick and send him a message from my lord. Deputy Travis Junior : And where did you deliver this message to on his person? Deputy James Garcia : That would be in the head area. Deputy Travis Junior : [reading a bumper sticker] UNITED WE STAND. That ain't foolin' anyone. Lt. Jim Dangle : I think some of these people are trying too hard. I think that when the truck of anthrax comes, it's going to have UNITED WE STAND and a Bush-Cheney on the back. Deputy Travis Junior : And a Toby Keith damned tape playing... Lt. Jim Dangle : t'll be the Trojan Horse, but instead of a horse it'll be... Deputy Travis Junior : A Bronco. Lt. Jim Dangle : Right or an F150. [explaining why she likes Kenny Rogers] Deputy Trudy Wiegel : He's like the white Lionel Ritchie. Deputy Travis Junior : Uh, I would say that *Lionel Ritchie* is like the white Lionel Ritchie Lt. Jim Dangle : Yeah, I didn't know that there was a black Lionel Ritchie. |
 |
 |
||
|
Copyright movies studios and Imdb.com: Ben Garant
Legal © Quotesbase.com |
