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 Sharon Osbourne Quotation"The first thing I told him when he came to was about his single. He couldn't speak but tears were coming out." - telling her husband he was No. 1 after his accident "Before I go to sleep I read up on items for the next day's show. Ozzy's already lying there snoring. It's crazy, but he still wanted to have sex the first week he came out of intensive care! He's a nutter, but I love him!" Movie Title: The Osbournes (2002) as Sharon: Sharon : Only in America can you get away with using someone else's credit card. Nowhere else can you do that! [Ozzy has complained about the lack of water pressure in the shower] Sharon : In California they make you put this thing inside the shower head. It restricts the water flow to save on water. As soon as the camera people fuck off we'll take it off! Ozzy : No, No, No, Sharon, we won't break the law. No, we won't -- no, we won't break the law Sharon. Ozzy : Who pissed? Who pissed on my fucking carpet? That bastard fuckin' dog man, I'm going to throw you in the fucking pool! YOU! Get the fuck out of my house! Get the fuck outta here! It's a fucking terrorist, it's one of Bin Laden's gang. Why'd they do it, Sharon? Why'd they do it man? Sharon : They like to piss on fucking antique carpets, so what can I tell? Ozzy : What do you want me to do with my gun, Sharon? Put it under my bed? Sharon : Whatever you want to do with it. Ozzy : I'll put it under my bed! [Runs off like an excited five year old] Sharon : Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum! [pauses] Sharon : Do I have a scrotum? Sharon : Ozzy, stop. Ozzy. Ozzy, no no no no no, here's the fruit! Ozzy, not the wood, you could be picked up for manslaughter! Sharon : Did anybody feed the dogs today? Kelly : NO! Sharon : [In the limo] Look at the ceiling, it's like Kelly's bedroom. Ozzy : Oh, wonderful, we'll live here. [About Kelly's tattoo] Sharon : Who did it? Kelly : I'm not telling you. Sharon : Why not? Kelly : Because I know you're going to go down there and sue them. Sharon : What's the difference between Roy Rogers and Will Rogers? Kelly : Yeah, that's what I was wondering! Who the fuck is Will Rogers? Sharon : The Virgin Mary speaks to me. She says you must go to Tiffany. And on the way, stop at Cartier. Sharon : Kelly just called from the pet shop. Ozzy : No! No! Forget it! No! Sharon : Aren't you interested? Ozzy : If it's a living thing, no. Sharon : [to Ozzy] I haven't even been out anywhere to spend anything, I wish. Sharon : I just got the school directory and started calling the mothers saying, "Your kid gave my daughter pot," thinking one of them was going to say, "Oh yes, he did" because I didn't know who the fuck it was. Sharon : That was good! That hit the ceiling, and the vase, and the floor, that was really well done. Kelly : You haven't cooked for me since I was like 7 years old! Sharon : Things are going to change, baby. Sharon : Is he singing? Ozzy : He's up in his room planning his future. Sharon : The only thing he's planning is his next wank; whether he's going to use his left hand or his right hand. Sharon : Kel and Puff Dad. Because Kelly's like a little street-fighter. She's like a little meanie, and there's big old P. Diddy, Diddy, Diddy. Jack : No. Sharon : I think they'd be so cute together. Jack : You're just saying that because he's famous and has lots of money. Sharon : No, I'm not. He smells good. Jack : So fucking what? I smell good! Sharon : Lola. Lola, you fucking dummy! Ozzy : We did a great job with that gravy. [A minute later] Ozzy : We did a great job with that gravy. Sharon : We're going to hear about this fucking gravy for the next year. Jack : Lola? Sharon : Lola did, yes. Jack : Oh, fuck. Sharon : You're going to have to fucking dye her pink, because if he comes back here and sees that dog... Ozzy : What if someone sat down to have a sandwich or something, and they knocked the dog bowl over? Sharon : Only you. Ozzy : No, darling, it's not just "only me" it's only me that cleans the fucking thing up! Kelly : Mom, you don't need a boob job, look I don't have that. Sharon : Melinda does. Kelly : Well, because Melinda has the biggest fucking jugs in the whole entire world. Sharon : How much do women pay for knickers? Sharon : Jack, 2:30 tonight. Curfew. Jack : Why not, 5:00? Sharon : Don't start with me. Sharon : I feel like we should all sing one of those lovely Christine Aguilera songs. Sharon : I love animals. The top diva in the house is Minnie. She rules the roost. Minnie can do anything. And then we have Maggie, who's next in line. Maggie I call heroin chic, and then next is Crazy Baby. We changed her name from New Baby to Crazy Baby. She's a bit neurotic. Then there's Pip. And then we have the gay one, Martini. Martini Bionco. We have Puss. Then we have Lulu, she grunts a lot and has gotten very big. Looks like a seal. Lola is very big, and boisterous, and adorable, but, um... Sharon : Lola, you're a shithead! Sharon : You look like Harrison Ford. Ozzy : No, I don't. I look more like Glenn Close. Sharon : I bought him a present. Ozzy : Who? Sharon : The President. Ozzy : What? Sharon : Some cufflinks. Ozzy : Are you just going to walk up to him and give them to him? Sharon : Yeah, how else is he going to get them? Ozzy : He's not allowed to except gifts. Sharon : Yeah, he is. Ozzy : No, he's not! Sharon : Hi, Minnie! Minnie, Minnie, Minnie! [Ozzy and Sharon kissing] Kelly : Ew, stop it! Ozzy : Why? we're married. I bet you do it when you go out. Kelly : No, I don't think so. Sharon : Oh, yes, you do. [Ozzy and Sharon start kissing again] Kelly : Ugh, please spare me! Seriously. Ozzy : What's wrong with it? Kelly : You're too old. Sharon : Oh... thanks, Kel. Ozzy : That's very nice. You wait until you're fifty... fifty... how old am I again, Sharon? Ozzy : Did you catch the person? Sharon : Oh, yeah. Ozzy : What happened to him? Sharon : I told him I was going to cut his dick off and shove it down his throat. Sharon : We should've named you Vagina Osbourne. Sharon : I'm not ready to croak yet. And definitely not with a wig on. Sharon : This is a gold filling and it was in my mouth and it took ten days to pass through my body. That's been a long way. [After Kelly just threw up] Sharon : You need some nice bacon and a roll with some butter. Kelly : Shut up, mom. I think I'm going to throw up again. Sharon : Did you notice how the butter melts into the ketchup? Kelly : Mom! please! be nice to me. I'm an idiot. Sharon : Kelly, in 48 hours your life has been so eventful. I haven't even taken a shit in 48 hours. Jack : This is so fucking dysfunctional. Sharon : Excuse me, that fucking chair is dysfunctional. Sharon : Did they tell you, you had to keep it elevated? Ozzy : They said I have to have a naked lady lying on me for the next three weeks. Sharon : Why did you put those on your knees? Kelly : I was bored. [Ozzy has just shown Sharon their new TV that raises from a table] Ozzy : The Batcave Lives! Ahhhh! Sharon : Let me try that. [Sharon tries to make the TV rise from the table] Sharon : It's fucking broken. Ozzy : Fucking hell. Sharon : You're a spoiled brat. Kelly : Yes, I'm spoiled, but I'm not a brat. [Jack brakes his elbow jumping off a pier] Sharon : What do you think you are, a fucking bird? [When Ozzy leaves on tour] Sharon : No looking at any women! Kelly : What doe's P.O.D. stand for? Sharon : Pod Kelly : Did you just say pod? Jack : No, it's Payable On Death! Sharon : Oh. Ozzy : SHARON! I'm stuck on... the fucking... baking channel Sharon : It's the Cooking Channel, Ozzy. Ozzy : No, it's the baking channel... there's two old hags baking fucking bread. Sharon : Come on, my little sunshine beam! |
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