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    Woody Allen Quotation


    "Human Beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun."

    "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying."

    "I'm not afraid of dying...I just don't want to be there when it happens."

    In 1977: "This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?"

    "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down."

    [When asked if he liked the idea of living on on the silver screen...] "I´d rather live on in my apartment"

    (On films) "I can't imagine that the business should be run any other way than that the director has complete control of his films. My situation may be unique, but that doesn't speak well for the business -- it shouldn't be unique, because the director is the one who has the vision and he's the one who should put that vision onto film."

    "Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs."

    "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

    "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

    "I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don't care about the films. I don't care if they're flushed down the toilet after I die."

    "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

    [At the Academy Awards in 2002, explaining why he was the one introducing a montage of New York movies] "And I said, 'You know, God, you can do much better than me. You know, you might want to get Martin Scorsese, or, or Mike Nichols, or Spike Lee, or Sidney Lumet...' I kept naming names, you know, and um, I said, 'Look, I've given you 15 names of guys who are more talented than I am, and, and smarter and classier...' And they said, 'Yes, but they were not available.'"

    "If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job."

    "For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good."

    "My relationship with Hollywood isn't love-hate, it's love-contempt. I've never had to suffer any of the indignities that one associates with the studio system. I've always been independent in New York by sheer good luck. But I have an affection for Hollywood because I've had so much pleasure from films that have come out of there. Not a whole lot of them, but a certain amount of them have been very meaningful to me."

    "The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years."

    "Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em."

    "Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."

    "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

    "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

    "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

    "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."

    "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

    Man was made in God's image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

    With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

    (On why he never watches his own movies): "I think I would hate them."

    (About the audience): "I never write down to them. I always assume that they're all as smart as I am... if not smarter."

    I always think it is a mistake to try and be young, because I feel the young people in the United States have not distinguished themselves. The young audience in the United States have not proven to me that they like good movies or good theatre. The films that are made for young people are not wonderful films, they are not thoughtful. They are these blockbusters with special effects. The comedies are dumb, full of toilet jokes, not sophisticated at all. And these are the things the young people embrace. I do not idolise the young.

    When I was in my early twenties, I knew a man who has since died, who was older than me and also very crazy. He'd been in a straitjacket and institutionalised, and I found him very brilliant. When I would speak to him about writing, about life, art, women, he was very, very cogent - but he couldn't lead his own life, he just couldn't manage.

    On shooting in London, 2004: 'In the United States things have changed a lot, and it's hard to make good small films now. There was a time in the 1950s when I wanted to be a playwright, because until that time movies, which mostly came out of Hollywood, were stupid and not interesting. Then we started to get wonderful European films, and American films started to grow up a little bit, and the industry became more fun to work in than the theatre. I loved it. But now it's taken a turn in the other direction and studios are back in command and are not that interested in pictures that make only a little bit of money. When I was younger, every week we'd get a Fellini or a Bergman or a Godard or Truffaut, but now you almost never get any of that. Filmmakers like myself have a hard time. The avaricious studios couldn't care less about good films - if they get a good film they're twice as happy, but money-making films are their goal. They only want these $100 million pictures that make $500m. That's why I'm happy to work in London, because I'm right back in the same kind of liberal creative attitude that I'm used to.'

    "Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."



    Movie Title: Zelig (1983) as Leonard Zelig:


    [Leonard Zelig is apologizing on radio to all the people he misrepresented himself to]
    Leonard Zelig : I especially want to apologize to the Trochman family in Detroit... I never delivered a baby before, and I just thought that ice tongs were the way to do it.


    Leonard Zelig : I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.


    Leonard Zelig : There doesn't have to be any reason for baseball; it's just a beautiful thing to watch.


    Leonard Zelig : [while under hypnosis] Oh... the pancakes!

    [Zelig thinks he's a psychiatrist.]
    Leonard Zelig : I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. Freud felt that it should be limited to women.


    Leonard Zelig : I've never flown before, and it shows what you can do if you're a total psychotic!

    Movie Title: Bananas (1971) as Fielding Mellish:



    Fielding Mellish : I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.


    Fielding Mellish : You're busy tonight?
    Norma : Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.
    Fielding Mellish : You need an usher?


    Nancy : Have you ever been to Denmark?
    Fielding Mellish : I've been, yes... to the Vatican.
    Nancy : The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.
    Fielding Mellish : Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.


    Fielding Mellish : I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.


    Fielding Mellish : Blood! That should be on the inside!


    Fielding Mellish : You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.


    Fielding Mellish : When is the revolution?
    Esposito : Six months.
    Fielding Mellish : Six months? I have a rented car!


    Fielding Mellish : Doing a sociological study on perversion. I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting.


    Nancy : May I ask... what do you do?
    Fielding Mellish : I'm a product tester for a large corporation. I make sure products are safe and practical. Today I tested an exercise machine, and an electrically warm toilet seat for cold days.


    Fielding Mellish : I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.
    Nancy : I know just what you mean!


    Fielding Mellish : That's very wise, you know...? That's, I think, pithy.
    Nancy : It was pithy. It had... great pith.
    Fielding Mellish : Yeth. Pith.


    Fielding Mellish : You don't have hostility to the male sex, do you?
    Nancy : Oh, Women's Lib do not automatically mean castration. [Fielding reacts with great pain, doubling over.]
    Fielding Mellish : Oooh, don't say that word! Now I've got to walk around like this for two days!
    Nancy : Oh, I know! You know, I'm the same way on that word "appendicitis". Ooh.
    Fielding Mellish : Oooh, but "castration"...!
    Nancy : "Castration", "appendicitis", either one!


    Fielding Mellish : I love you, I love you.
    Nancy : Oh, say it in French! Oh, please, say it in French!
    Fielding Mellish : I don't know French.
    Nancy : Oh, please... please!
    Fielding Mellish : What about Hebrew?
    Nancy : [disappointed] Oh.


    Fielding Mellish : I had a good relationship with my parents. They rarely every h-... I think they hit me only once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, they, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December in 1942, and stopped beating me in the late Spring of '44.

    [Fielding is talking to a psychiatrist.]
    Fielding Mellish : I was a nervous child - I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself...


    Nancy : I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it. Oh, Fielding...
    Fielding Mellish : Why? Is something the matter? Am I... am I... Have you seen X-rays of me?


    Nancy : I want to work with pygmies in Africa! I want to work with lepers in a leper colony! I don't think that you...
    Fielding Mellish : I'm willing to...! No, it's perfectly okay with me! I like leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera! I like all the major skin diseases!


    Nancy : You're immature, Fielding.
    Fielding Mellish : [whining] How am I immature?
    Nancy : Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.
    Fielding Mellish : Yeah, but what other ways?


    Fielding Mellish : Jesus, life is so cruel! [Fielding slams the locker door on his friend's fingers, who doubles over in pain.]
    Fielding Mellish : See what I mean?


    Fielding Mellish : We fell in love. Well, I fell in love - she just stood there.


    Fielding Mellish : I move for a mistrial! This is discrimination! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on the jury?
    Judge : Yes there is.
    Fielding Mellish : Really, which one? Is it the big guy on the end?


    Esposito : From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!
    Fielding Mellish : What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?





    Movie Title: Scenes from a Mall (1991) as Nick Fifer:


    [looking for his car in the mall parking garage]
    Nick Fifer : Where's my fucking Saab?

    [After tough negotiations with a tennis prodigy's mother.]
    Nick Fifer : I think Mrs. Fong is Jewish.

    [On mimes.]
    Nick Fifer : These guys are worse than Hare Krishnas!

    [Deborah wants to give Nick his Christmas present.]
    Deborah Fifer : I have something to get you out of your midlife crisis.
    Nick Fifer : That can only mean a full-body vibrator!


    Nick Fifer : How many 16th anniversaries does a person have in a lifetime? One... maybe two.

    [Nick's given Deborah a family photo with an antique frame.]
    Nick Fifer : I had to have it engraved, because I could never remember your name.

    [On an affair Nick had.]
    Nick Fifer : I liked her. I loved the sex.
    Deborah Fifer : [scornful] Oh. So, you LOVE me, but you only LIKE the sex.


    Nick Fifer : Well, now I feel like the scumbag of all time.
    Deborah Fifer : You are.


    Nick Fifer : I don't know how our marriage lasted.
    Deborah Fifer : Mutual death wish.


    Nick Fifer : Your constant interrupting of me...
    Deborah Fifer : Please! In sixteen years, I've never finished a sentence.


    Deborah Fifer : How about those two beautiful creatures? Think you can handle them?
    Nick Fifer : Handle them? I can salivate over them.


    Nick Fifer : You look like my Aunt Minna in that dress!


    Deborah Fifer : Do you really hate this dress?
    Nick Fifer : What I really hate is this jacket, this white jacket. I look like a Brazilian gigolo.


    Nick Fifer : Eleven hundred bucks for Sushi already. That's a lot of dead fish.

    [Last lines.]
    Nick Fifer : [defensive] Am I the kind of guy who loses his temper?
    Deborah Fifer : Please! You smashed the mime in the jaw!
    Nick Fifer : [defensive] I gave him 100 bucks...





    Movie Title: Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989) as Cliff Stern / Clifford Stern:



    Clifford Stern : A strange man... defecated on my sister.


    Halley Reed : [of Lester] He's an American phenomenon.
    Clifford Stern : Yeah, like acid rain.


    Clifford Stern : While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.


    Clifford Stern : [on Lester's films] I can't watch his stuff. It's sub-mental.


    Clifford Stern : [after being handed a box of Milk Duds] Great. Now I can get rid of my few remaining teeth.


    Halley Reed : [on the philosopher Lewis Levy] He was very eloquent on the subject of love, didn't you think?
    Clifford Stern : I wish I had met him before I got married. It would've saved me a gall bladder operation.

    [On Lester.]
    Halley Reed : He wants to produce something of mine.
    Clifford Stern : Yeah. Your first child.


    Clifford Stern : [on Lester] When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he wants is to exchange fluids.


    Clifford Stern : [to his wife] Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, ok. It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday.


    Clifford Stern : Show business is, is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than dog-eat-dog. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's-phone-calls, which reminds me. I should check my answering service.


    Clifford Stern : [on Professor Levy's demise] He left a note. He left a simple little note that said "I've gone out the window." This is a major intellectual and he leaves a note that says "I've gone out the window." He's a role-model. You'd think he'd leave a decent note.


    Clifford Stern : I don't know from suicide, y'know. Where I grew up in Brooklyn we were too unhappy to commit suicide.


    Clifford Stern : What is the guy so upset about? You'd think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before?


    Clifford Stern : [on receiving his love letter back] It's probably just as well. I plagiarized most of it from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all the references to Dublin.


    Cliff Stern : Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.


    Cliff Stern : I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it.





    Movie Title: Take the Money and Run (1969) as Virgil:



    Virgil : After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.

    [Last line]
    Virgil : Do you know if it's raining outside?





    Movie Title: Small Time Crooks (2000) as Ray:



    Ray : Ever heard of the Polish carpool? Every day they meet at work.


    Ray : Remember what they used to call me in the joint?
    Benny : What?
    Ray : The brain!
    Benny : Noo, that was sarcastic!


    Benny : Okay I say she gets a share, but not a full share
    Denny : Yeah, how about each of us gets like a fourth and she gets like a third?
    Benny : What are you nuts, then she'd be getting more than us!
    Denny : How did you figure? (Darrow, Tony@Ray: Let's just not give her a share
    Ray : Okay listen let's just forget about it!
    Benny : Fourth and a third...
    Denny : Yeah well you know I don't do fractions...


    Ray : What are you gonna do with a flower shop?
    Benny : Burn it down
    Ray : You're still burning stuff for insurance?
    Benny : I burn everything, how do you think I sent two kids through college?





    Movie Title: Mighty Aphrodite (1995) as Lenny Weinrib / Lenny:



    Greek Chorus Leader : Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!
    Lenny : I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head. Chorus: Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.


    Lenny Weinrib : Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.


    Lenny Weinrib : Adopt, what. I don't want to adopt. Not with my genes. I have award winning genes.


    Max : Who is the boss between you and mommy?
    Lenny Weinrib : Who is the boss? You have to ask that? I'm the boss. Mommy is only the decision maker.


    Lenny : I'm sure that you're a state-of-the-art fellatrix.


    Linda : Do you want to take a shower? Study me up close?
    Lenny : Oh, no I've already bathed.


    Lenny Weinrib : This guy's gonna put me in 27 separate Mason jars!


    Lenny : You didn't see Schindler's List?
    Kevin : No, no... that was the one with the Jews and the, um... who were the bad guys?
    Lenny : The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.


    Lenny : I'm completely superfluous.
    Kevin : Oh, you don't feel good?


    Linda : You're married, aren't you?
    Lenny Weinrib : How can you tell that?
    Linda : 'Cause you got that look.
    Lenny Weinrib : What look is that?
    Linda : That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.





    Movie Title: Stardust Memories (1980) as Ghost of Sandy Bates:



    Vivian Orkin : In this film, he played the part of God.
    Ghost of Sandy Bates : This was not easy, folks, because, uh, you know, I-I-I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I don't have a good voice for God.
    Vivian Orkin : And he received an Academy Award for his convincing portrayal of God ... although they had to use another actor's voice.





    Movie Title: Love and Death (1975) as Boris / Boris Grushenko:



    Boris : And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.


    Sonja : Judgment of any system, or a priori relationship or phenomenon exists in an irrational, or metaphysical, or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract empirical concept such as being, or to be, or to occur in the thing itself, or of the thing itself.
    Boris : Yes, I've said that many times.


    Countess Alexandrovna : My bedroom at midnight?
    Boris : Perfect. Will you be there too?
    Countess Alexandrovna : Naturally.
    Boris : Until midnight then.
    Countess Alexandrovna : [presses his hand to her bosom] Midnight.
    Boris : Make it a quarter to twelve.
    Countess Alexandrovna : Midnight.
    Boris : But of course.


    Boris : Sonja, are you scared of dying?
    Sonja : Scared is the wrong word. I'm frightened of it.
    Boris : That's an interesting distinction.


    Mother : He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines.
    Boris : Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.


    Drill Sergeant : You want a dishonorable discharge?
    Boris : Yes sir, either that or a furlough.


    Drill Sergeant : One, two, one, two, one, two.
    Boris : Three is next, if you're having any trouble.


    Anton : Grushenko? Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?
    Boris : I'm not so young. I'm thirty-five.


    Anton : If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again.
    Boris : If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.
    Anton : *I* am a man.
    Boris : Well, I mean a much shorter man.


    Boris : I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.


    Boris : I have no fear of the gallows. Father: No?
    Boris : No. Why should I? They're going to shoot me.


    Countess Alexandrovna : You are the greatest lover I've ever had.
    Boris : Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

    Soldier: He was from my village. He was the village idiot.
    Boris : Yeah, what did you do, place?

    [last line]
    Boris : The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that human being are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns about that there is a god, I don't think that he is evil, I think that the worse thing you could say s that he is, basically, an under-achiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about. The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses. Regarding love, heh, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye


    Napoleon : This is an honor for me.
    Boris : No, it's a greater honor for me.
    Napoleon : No, a greater honor for me.
    Boris : No, it's a greater honor for me.
    Napoleon : No, a greater honor for ME.
    Boris : Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it IS a greater honor for you.
    Napoleon : And you must be Don Francisco's sister.
    Sonja : No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.
    Napoleon : No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.
    Sonja : No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.
    Boris : No, it's a greater honor for me.
    Napoleon : I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor.
    Boris : She's a great kidder.
    Sonja : No, you're a great kidder.
    Boris : No, you're Don Francisco's sister.


    Boris : I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.


    Boris : In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.


    Boris : Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.


    Boris : If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.


    Sonja : You were my one great love.
    Boris : Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.
    Sonja : What's it like?
    Boris : You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant? It's worse.


    Sonja : There are many different kinds of love, Boris. There's love between a man and a woman; between a mother and son...
    Boris : Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.


    Sonja : And I want three children.
    Boris : Yes. Yes. One of each.


    Anton Inbedkov : Shall we say pistols at dawn?
    Boris Grushenko : Well, we can say it. I don't know what it means, but we can say it.


    Sonja : He kissed me.
    Boris : Any place I should know about?
    Sonja : He warmed the cockles of my heart.
    Boris : That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.


    Boris : I can't shower with other men.


    Sonja : Boris, you can't be serious, you're talking about Mother Russia.
    Boris : She's not my mother. My mother's standing right here, and she's not gonna let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums.


    Mikhail : Our brother has a yellow streak down his back.
    Boris : No, it's not down, it runs across.

    Soldier: The idea is not to panic and run... then they shoot you in the back. Soldier: I don't want to be trampled by a horse. What about you, Boris?
    Boris : [sarcastically] Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse. I don't even want to fight.

    Soldier: Oh, God is testing us.
    Boris : If he's gonna test us, why doesn't he give us a written?


    Countess Alexandrovna : Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood?
    Boris : I've been in the mood since the late 1700's.


    Boris : Wheat... lots of wheat... fields of wheat... a tremendous amount of wheat...


    Boris : Hey, what is this, Slap Boris Day?


    Boris : Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...
    Sonja : What did you say?
    Boris : Oh, I was just planning my future.


    Inbedkov : [preparing for duel] We'll do it now... and to the death.
    Boris : Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it.


    Boris : [sleeve bloodied after being grazed by bullet] Does this come out, from dry cleaning, or is it like gravy?


    Boris : Granted, I have a few eccentricities. I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F. Like chicken, for instance.


    Sonja : Oh don't, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.
    Boris : Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.


    Boris : We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.


    Sonja : Violence is justified in the service of mankind.
    Boris : Who said that?
    Sonja : Attila the Hun.
    Boris : You're quoting a Hun to me?


    Sonja : What are you suggesting, passive resistance?
    Boris : No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.


    Sonja : I truly think this is the best of all possible worlds.
    Boris : It's certainly the most expensive.


    Countess Alexandrovna : You're disgusting, but I love you.
    Boris : Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.

    [Boris is standing, looking at Napoleon, who's lying unconcious on the floor]
    Boris : If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder... What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. Means all men are homosexuals. Heh... I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whisled at me. I, I have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't htink about sex at all, you know... they become lawyers.


    Boris : There's been a mistake! I know, I made it!


    Boris : And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.


    Sonja : Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.
    Boris : Ohh, I wish you weren't.
    Sonja : Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal.
    Boris : Poor Sonja.
    Sonja : For the past weeks, I've visited Seretski in his room
    Boris : Why? What's in his room? Oh...
    Sonja : And before Seretski, Aleksei, and before Aleksei, Alegorian, and before Alegorian, Asimov, and...
    Boris : Okay!
    Sonja : Wait, I'm still on the A:s.





    Movie Title: Annie Hall (1977) as Alvy Singer:



    Alvy Singer : Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.


    Alvy Singer : My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

    [After sex with Annie]
    Alvy Singer : That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

    [In California]
    Annie Hall : It's so clean out here.
    Alvy Singer : That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.


    Annie Hall : So you wanna go into the movie or what?
    Alvy Singer : No, I can't go into a movie that's already started, because I'm anal.
    Annie Hall : That's a polite word for what you are.


    Duane : Can I confess something? I tell you this as an artist,I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
    Alvy Singer : Right. Well, I have to - I have to go now, Duane, because I, I'm due back on the planet Earth.


    Alvy Singer : What's with all these awards? They're always giving out awards. Best Fascist Dictator: Adolf Hitler.

    [Alvy addresses a pair of strangers on the street]
    Alvy Singer : Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
    Female street stranger : Yeah.
    Alvy Singer : Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
    Female street stranger : Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
    Male street stranger : And I'm exactly the same way.
    Alvy Singer : I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something?


    Alvy Singer : There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.


    Alvy Singer : I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

    [After Annie parks the car]
    Alvy Singer : Don't worry. We can walk to the curb from here.


    Annie Hall : Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.
    Alvy Singer : You? You kiddin'? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything.


    Alvy Singer : Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. I can't get it out. This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a little dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it will run out the other side.


    Annie Hall : Oh, you see an analyst?
    Alvy Singer : Yeah, just for fifteen years.
    Annie Hall : Fifteen years?
    Alvy Singer : Yeah, I'm gonna give him one more year, and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.


    Alvy Singer : A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.


    Alvy Singer : Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes I have to invent, of course I - I do, don't you think I do?

    [Annie wants to smoke marijuana before sex]
    Alvy Singer : Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday.
    Annie Hall : Well, have you ever made love high?
    Alvy Singer : Me? No. I - I, you know, If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful. I get too, too wonderful for words. I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love.
    Annie Hall : It relaxes me.
    Alvy Singer : You have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?
    Annie Hall : Well, what's the difference anyway?
    Alvy Singer : Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium pentathol. You can sleep through it.
    Annie Hall : Oh come on. Look who's talking. You've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years. You should smoke some of this. You'd be off the couch in no time.

    [Alvy is having sex with Annie]
    Alvy Singer : Hey, is something wrong?
    Annie Hall : No, why?
    Alvy Singer : I don't know. It's like you're removed. [A ghost of Annie rises from herself, and sits in a chair to watch]
    Annie Hall : No, I'm fine.
    Alvy Singer : Are you with me?
    Annie Hall : Uh, huh.
    Alvy Singer : I don't know. You seem sort of distant.
    Annie Hall : Let's just do it, all right?
    Alvy Singer : Is it my imagination, or are you just going through the motions?
    Ghost of Annie Hall : Alvy, do you remember where I put my drawing pad? Because while you two are doing that, I think I'm going to do some drawing.
    Alvy Singer : [gesturing to the ghost] You see, that's what I call removed.

    [Alvy Singer does a stand-up comic act for a college audience]
    Alvy Singer : I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

    [Alvy confronts Annie about having an affair]
    Alvy Singer : Well, I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd surprise you. Pick you up after school.
    Annie Hall : Yeah, but you wanted to keep the relationship flexible. Remember, it's your phrase.
    Alvy Singer : Oh stop it, you're having an affair with your college professor, that jerk that teaches that incredible crap course, Contemporary Crisis in Western Man...
    Annie Hall : Existential Motifs in Russian Literature. You're really close.
    Alvy Singer : What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation.
    Annie Hall : Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about.
    Alvy Singer : Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
    Annie Hall : We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat.
    Alvy Singer : "Neat." What are you, 12 years old? That's one of your Chippewa Falls expressions.
    Annie Hall : Who cares? Who cares?
    Alvy Singer : Next thing you know, he'll find you keen and peachy, you know. Next thing you know, he's got his hand on your ass.
    Annie Hall : You've always had hostility towards David, ever since I mentioned him.
    Alvy Singer : Dav - you call your teacher David?
    Annie Hall : It's his name.
    Alvy Singer : It's a Biblical name, right? What does he call you, Bathsheba?


    Annie Hall : So I told her about, about the family and about my feelings towards men and about my relationship with my brother. And then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?
    Alvy Singer : Me? I'm, I'm one of the few males who suffers from that.

    [Alvy questions an old man on the street about his sex life]
    Alvy Singer : With your wife in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation, like, like marijuana?
    Old man on street : We use a large vibrating egg.


    Pam : Sex with you is really a Kafka-esque experience.
    Alvy Singer : Oh. Thank you.
    Pam : I mean that as a compliment.


    Alvy Singer : I think, I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life.
    Pam : Who said that?
    Alvy Singer : It may have been Leopold and Loeb.

    [Alvy sees Rolling Stone and The National Review in Annie's apartment]
    Alvy Singer : Are you going with a right-wing rock 'n roll star?


    Alvy Singer : Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

    [Alvy has killed two spiders]
    Alvy Singer : I did it. I killed 'em both. [Annie starts crying]
    Alvy Singer : What's the matter? What are you sad about? What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?


    Alvy Singer : You know, I don't think I could take a mellow evening because I - I don't respond well to mellow. You know what I mean? I have a tendency to - if I get too mellow, I - I ripen and then rot, you know.

    [Alvy is asked to try cocaine]
    Alvy Singer : I don't want to put a wad of white powder in my nose. There's the nasal membrane...
    Annie Hall : You never want to try anything new, Alvy.
    Alvy Singer : How can you say that? Whose idea was it? I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should sleep together in a threesome.
    Annie Hall : Well, that's sick.
    Alvy Singer : Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new. You didn't say it couldn't be sick.


    Annie Hall : Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? I mean you're like New York City. You're just this person. You're like this island unto yourself.
    Alvy Singer : I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.


    Alvy Singer : I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh, that those who can't do teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym. And, uh, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school.


    Alvy Singer : They did not take me in the Army. I was, um, interestingly enough, I was, I was 4-P. Yes. In the, in the event of war, I'm a hostage.


    Annie Hall : You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew.
    Alvy Singer : Oh. Thank you.


    Alvy Singer : In 1942 I had already discovered women. [Young Alvy kisses girl in school] Alvy's Classmate: Yecch. He kissed me, he kissed me. Yecch.
    Miss Reed : That's the second time this month. Step up here.
    Alvy at 9 : What'd I do?
    Miss Reed : Step up here.
    Alvy at 9 : What did I do?
    Miss Reed : You should be ashamed of yourself.
    Alvy Singer : Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.
    Miss Reed : Six year old boys don't have girls on their minds.
    Alvy Singer : I did. Alvy's Classmate: For God's sake, Alvy, even Freud speaks of a latency period.
    Alvy Singer : Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it.


    Alvy Singer : I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for "Dysentery."
    Robin : "Commentary."
    Alvy Singer : Oh really? I had heard that "Commentary" and "Dissent" had merged and formed "Dysentery."


    Allison : I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.
    Alvy Singer : On what?
    Allison : Political commitment in twentieth century literature.
    Alvy Singer : You, you, you're like New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis University, the socialist summer camps and the, the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, right, and the really, y'know, strike-oriented kind of, red diaper, stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself.
    Allison : No, that was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
    Alvy Singer : Right, I'm a bigot, I know, but for the left.


    Robin : There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. Oh, and the short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.
    Alvy Singer : Yeah? Two more chairs they got a dining room set.


    Alvy Singer : I though of that old joke, y'know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. Y'know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, uh, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.


    Alvy Singer : My "Grammy" never gave out presents. She was too busy being raped by Cossacks.


    Alvy Singer : Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

    [Alvy fantasizes being in love with the Wicked Queen from Snow White] Wicked Queen: We never have any fun any more.
    Alvy Singer : How can you say that? Wicked Queen: Why not? You're always leaning on me to improve yourself.
    Alvy Singer : You're just upset. You must be getting your period. Wicked Queen: I don't get a period. I'm a cartoon character.


    Alvy Singer : Lyndon Johnson is a politician, you know the ethics those guys have. It's like a notch underneath child molester.


    Alvy Singer : You're an actor Max, you should be doing Shakespeare in the park.
    Rob : Oh I did Shakespeare in the park Max, I got mugged. I was playing Richard II and two guys in leather jackets stole my leotard.

    [Alvy and Annie are seeing their therapists at the same time on a split screen] Alvy Singer's Therapist: How often do you sleep together? Annie Hall's Therapist: Do you have sex often?
    Alvy Singer : [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
    Annie Hall : [annoyed] Constantly. I'd say three times a week.

    [On Pam being a Rosicrucian]
    Alvy Singer : I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.


    Alvy Singer : Oh my God, she's right. Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was beautiful, she was willing. She was real intelligent. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I'm - I just don't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?


    Alvy Singer : Hey, Harvard makes mistakes too! Kissinger taught there!





    Movie Title: Hollywood Ending (2002) as Val:



    Val : ...driving around his 1938 Vintage Roadster. If someone saw me in a vintage '38, they'd think I was Himmler!

    [Val has just seen the terrible work of his latest film he directed while blind]
    Val : Call Dr. Kevorkian.


    Val : What the hell am I doing in Canada? Lori, they got moose up here. Moose. Are moose carnivorous?


    Val : You know, part of me wants it so badly.
    Lori : And the other part?
    Val : Also wants it. That's the problem.


    Val : For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
    Lori : From making love with you?


    Val : For me, the nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.


    Val : We had sex.
    Ellie : Yes, we had sex. But we never talked.
    Val : Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.


    Val : We once had a discussion about music and he threatened to push me down a flight of stairs.
    Psychiatrist : What happened?
    Val : It worked. He pushed me down a flight of stairs.


    Val : I love ya, scum bag.


    Val : This guy stole my wife.
    Al Hack : He doesn't hold that against you.


    Val : You know, I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are the people offering me the job.


    Val : A tenth of a point after quadruple break-even! You are really a shark, Al.


    Ellie : Our marriage wasn't going anywhere.
    Val : Where do you want it to go? Where do marriages go? After a while they just lay there. That's the thing about marriages.


    Val : At the Plaza Hotel. For God's sake, I got the bill. You had the escargot that afternoon. It's so disgusting. Sex and snails with that roast beef from Beverly Hills.


    Al Hack : You don't have a brain tumor.
    Val : Al, with all due respect, I have to hear that from someone who went to a greater medical school than the William Morris Agency.


    Val : She's living with a guy the best you can say about him is that sometimes he returns phone calls.


    Ellie : You were on the cutting edge of everything.
    Val : So, how did I go from the cutting edge to the buttering edge?


    Val : Thank God the French exist.

    [Ellie has called Lori a wind-up doll]
    Val : That wind-up doll happens to have a Ph.D.
    Ellie : In what? The history of gym?





    Movie Title: Broadway Danny Rose (1984) as Danny Rose:


    [On why one of his acts can't perform]
    Danny Rose : The cat ate his bird. That comes under the Act of God clause.


    Danny Rose : I don't see you folding balloons in joints, you're gonna be folding balloons in... colleges and universities!


    Danny Rose : I don't wanna badmouth the kid, but he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse. And I say that with all due respect.

    [Trying to get a booking for a client]
    Danny Rose : My hand to God, she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall. But you - I'll let you have her now at the old price, OK? Which is, which is anything you wanna give me. Anything at all.


    Danny Rose : I need a valium the size of a hockey puck.


    Tina Vitale : They shot him in the eyes.
    Danny Rose : Oh my God, he's blind?
    Tina Vitale : He's dead...
    Danny Rose : Of course, the bullets would go right through...





    Movie Title: Antz (1998) as Z:



    Z : Wow, the whole colony is here. Hey, that guy owes me money.


    Z : I'm supposed to do everything for the colony? What about my needs?


    Z : I've got to believe there's someplace better for me. Otherwise I'll just curl up into a larval position and weep.


    Z : I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my - my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're - when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.


    Bala : Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
    Z : Well, maybe, then again, maybe not, and then again... yowch.
    Bala : That's it. You're the guy from the bar.
    Z : Shhh.
    Queen : Bar? What bar?
    Bala : I... danced with this guy at the bar the other night. He was just a worker, then.
    Queen : What were you doing at a bar?
    General Mandible : Precisely what I want to know.
    Bala : No. This isn't about me. I mean, Look at this worker. Look what he's done.
    Z : I think - I think you're thinking of someone else. After all, I am a soldier.
    Bala : Exactly. You WERE a worker, but now you're a war hero.
    Queen : He's a worker?
    General Mandible : A worker danced with my fiance?
    Z : F-fiance? Hey, w-wait a minute. Th-this is not how it looks. I-I can explain this... hey, SHE was the one making all the moves.


    Bala : Don't you get it? I chose you because you were the most pathetic bug in the joint.
    Z : You know, I was going to let you become a part of my most erotic fantasies, but now you can just write it off.


    Z : Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?


    Z : Let me ask you something - what made you come to the bar that night?
    Bala : I guess I was looking for a little trouble.
    Z : Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.


    Z : Let's be real about this. Bala and I... Bala is a princess, and I'm a soil relocation engineer.


    Foreman : Look, I got orders, and those orders say dig.
    Z : What if someone ordered you to jump off a bridge? You-you... [Foreman looks thoughtful]
    Z : Oh, brother. I'm asking the wrong guy here.


    Z : There you have it: your average boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-the-underlying-social-order story.


    Bala : Z, I've gotta help my Mom.
    Z : Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.


    Weaver : Don't you want your aphid beer?
    Z : Call me crazy, but I have a thing about drinking from the anus of another creature.

    [Z, alone, watches ants dancing in unison in a nightclub]
    Z : What a bunch of losers. Mindless zombies capitulating to an oppressive system.
    Princess Bala : Hi. Wanna dance?
    Z : ABSOLUTELY.


    Z : Why'd I have to be born a worker? You soldiers get all the glory. Plus, you get to go out in the world. You know, you meet interesting insects; you get to kill them.
    Weaver : Yeah, but you get to spend all day with those beautiful worker girls.
    Z : Weaver, they're CAREER girls. They're obsessed with digging.

    [Z is trying to convince Weaver to switch jobs with him]
    Weaver : Would I meet some worker girls?
    Z : Are you kidding? They always go after the new guy. It's like a SPORT for them.

    [Mandible is giving a speech]
    General Mandible : Sacrifice. To some, it is just a word. To others, it is a code.
    Z : [whispering to Barbatus] You know, I'm really bad at word games.

    [Z is being shipped off to battle]
    Z : You know, I think there's been a terrible mistake. Truth is, I just came for the speech.

    [Z is marching to battle]
    Z : So, these... these termites, they're... they're, they're... these guys aren't going to put up much of a fight, right? I mean, we're talking about pushovers, right?
    Barbatus : Not really, kid. They're five times our size and spit acid from their foreheads.


    Z : I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you right now. I feel physically inadequate. I,I... My whole life, I've never... I've NEVER been able to lift more than ten times my body weight.


    Z : Handling dirt is not my idea of a rewarding career.


    Z : The whole system makes me feel... insignificant. Psychologist: Excellent. You've made a real breakthrough.
    Z : I have? Psychologist: Yes, Z. You ARE insignificant.


    Z : Okay, I've gotta give myself a positive attitude. A good attitude even though I'm utterly insignificant. I'm, I'm insignificant... but with attitude.


    Z : Sure, why not? [nervous chuckle]
    Z : Why should I be unhappy being a piece of construction equipment?


    Z : This is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.


    Z : Yes, yes, I understand. I dropped the ball.


    Weaver : What are you bitching about? in case you haven't noticed, we ants are running the show. We're the Lords of the Earth.
    Z : Hey, don't talk to me about earth, okay, because I just spent all day hauling it around.


    Z : [mocking the scout] Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.


    Chip : You have such a big heart. That's why you're my little cuddly-widdles.
    Muffy : Oh, my big, strong pheronome factory. [They eskimo kiss]
    Z : [nauseated] Oh, brother. Suddenly, I just lost my appetite.


    Z : Who the HELL is that?


    Z : And, y'know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.


    Z : [panicked] Hey, wait a minute. Let's not get... we're being too hasty here. These guys sound like bruisers. Just how were you figuring on beating them.
    Barbatus : Superior numbers, kid. Overwhelm their defenses, and kill their queen.
    Z : [panicked] I, um, whurr, whuh, hey, fellas, that's... you're being a little extreme, I feel. Why don't, why don't, why don't we just try to influence their political process with campaign contributions?


    General Mandible : You and I are a lot alike. We look death in the face and laugh.
    Z : Actually, I more like make belittling comments and snicker behind death's back.





    Movie Title: Play It Again, Sam (1972) as Allan:


    [Trying to be like Bogart]
    Allan : Sorry I had to slap you around, but you got hysterical when I said, "No more."


    Dick : He was always very fussy.
    Allan : Yes, but look at the results.
    Dick : Yes, you never went out.


    Nancy : My lawyer will call your lawyer.
    Allan : I don't have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.


    Allan : That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollack, isn't it?
    Museum Girl : Yes, it is.
    Allan : What does it say to you?
    Museum Girl : It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
    Allan : What are you doing Saturday night?
    Museum Girl : Committing suicide.
    Allan : What about Friday night?


    Allan : I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?


    Allan : Yeah, I get that.
    Linda : What is it, fear or anxiety?
    Allan : Homosexual panic.


    Allan : I had to go to Washington once when I was married, and even though I was the one leaving, I got sick; and when I returned, my wife threw up.


    Allan : No, my parents never got divorced, although I begged them to.


    Nancy : Don't listen to him!
    Bogart : Don't listen to HER!
    Allan : Fellas, we're in a supermarket.


    Bogart : Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times.
    Allan : Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room.


    Allan : I can't do it. How does it look? I invite her over and then come on like a sex degenerate. What am I, a rapist?
    Bogart : Your getting carried away. You think too much. Just do it.
    Allan : We're platonic friends. I can't spoil that by coming on. She'll slap my face.
    Bogart : Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times.
    Allan : Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room.


    Allan : I have met a lot of dames, but you are REALLY something special.
    Linda : Really?
    Allan : [to Bogart] She bought it!


    Allan : I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.


    Allan : You want a Fresca with a Darvon?
    Linda : Unless you have apple juice.
    Allan : Apple juice and Darvon is fantastic together!
    Linda : Have you ever had Librium and tomato juice?
    Allan : No, I haven't personally, but another neurotic tells me they're unbelievable.
    Dick : Could I get a coke with nothing in it?


    Allan : I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.


    Allan : If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not on it with him, you'll regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
    Linda : That's beautiful!
    Allan : It's from Casablanca; I waited my whole life to say it.


    Allan : I guess the secret's not being you, it's being ME. True, you're not too tall and kind of ugly, but what the hell? I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
    Bogart : Here's looking at you, kid.


    Allan : I'm so excited, I think I'll brush all my teeth today!


    Dick : Who were these guys?
    Allan : Oh, they said they were hairdressers, hard to believe though.


    Linda : Would you like us to call a doctor?
    Allan : No, no, I could use a 3 foot band-aid.


    Allan : This is a beautiful beach house.
    Linda : Thank you.
    Allan : Yeah, let's burn it down for the insurance money.


    Allan : Here, I got you a present because it's your birthday.
    Linda : How'd you know?
    Allan : Well, you mentioned the date and I remembered because it's the same day my mother had her hysterectomy.


    Linda : Allan, the world is full of eligible women.
    Allan : Yeah, but not like Nancy. She was a lovely thing. I used to lay in bed at night and watch her sleep. Once in a while she would wake up and catch me. She would let out a scream.


    Dick : Allan, you have invested your emotions in a losing stock, it was wiped out, it dropped off the board. Now what do you do Allan? You reinvest. Maybe in a more stable stock. Something with long term growth possibilities.
    Allan : Who are you going to fix me up with, General Motors?


    Linda : Maybe if you just leaned across the candlelight and kissed her.
    Allan : I tried, she used to say, "Christ, not here, everybody's staring."


    Linda : I feel some sort of a mystical attraction for Van Gogh. Why is that?
    Allan : I don't know. I just know he was a great painter and he cut off an ear for a girl that he loved.
    Linda : That's the kind of thing you would do for a girl.
    Allan : I'd really have to like her a lot.


    Dick : What? You got into a fight?
    Allan : Yep.
    Dick : With who?
    Allan : Some guys were getting tough with Julie. I had to teach them a lesson.
    Dick : Are you all right?
    Allan : Yeah, I'm fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy's fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose.


    Allan : You were fantastic last night in bed.
    Linda : Oh thanks.
    Allan : How do you feel now?
    Linda : I think the Pepto Bismol helped.





    Movie Title: Radio Days (1987) as Narrator:



    Narrator : For some miraculous reason, it's a wonderful feeling having a teacher you've seen dance naked in front of a mirror.

    [Last lines.]
    Narrator : I never forgot that New Year's Eve when Aunt Bea awakened me to watch 1944 come in. I've never forgotten any of those people or any of the voices we would hear on the radio. Though the truth is, with the passing of each New Year's Eve, those voices do seem to grow dimmer and dimmer.

    [On his parents.]
    Narrator : I mean, how many people argue over oceans?





    Movie Title: Sleeper (1973) as Miles Monroe / Miles:



    Miles Monroe : I' haven't seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I'd been going all this time, I'd probably almost be cured by now.


    Miles Monroe : I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.


    Luna Schlosser : I'm great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.
    Miles Monroe : Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that?


    Miles Monroe : Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.


    Luna Schlosser : Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't believe, that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?
    Miles Monroe : Right.
    Luna Schlosser : So, then what do you believe in?
    Miles Monroe : Sex and death. Two things that come once in a lifetime. But at least after death you are not nauseous.


    Miles Monroe : My brain! It's my second favorite organ!

    [A 22nd century historian shows Miles a videotape of Howard Cosell] Historian: We weren't sure at first what to make of this, but we developed a theory: we feel that when people committed great crimes against the state, they were forced to watch this.
    Miles Monroe : Yes. That's exactly what it was.


    Miles Monroe : When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies." She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a great dane.

    [Miles holds a gun to a disembodied nose]
    Miles Monroe : Don't take another step or the president gets it between the eyes.


    Miles Monroe : Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you, if you like.
    Luna Schlosser : Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a machine here.
    Miles Monroe : Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.


    Luna Schlosser : It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years.
    Miles Monroe : 204, if you count my marriage.


    Luna Schlosser : Miles, do you know that "God" spelled backwards is "dog"?
    Miles Monroe : So?
    Luna Schlosser : It makes you think.
    Miles Monroe : Luna, help me push the car.


    Miles : You're a sucker. What you didn't realize is that you're dealing with one of the greatest minds you've ever seen.
    Luna : Yeah, and his isn't so bad either!


    Miles Monroe : We're here to see the nose. I hear it was running.


    Miles Monroe : I'm Not Really The Heroic Type. I was beat up by Quakers.


    Miles Monroe : Where am I anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends?
    Dr. Aragon : You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years.
    Miles Monroe : But they all ate organic rice!

    [Miles gets to look at some pictures to identify the people on them]
    Miles Monroe : This was Josef Stalin. He was a communist, I was not too crazy about him, had a bad mustache, lot of bad habits. This is Bela Lugosi. he was, he was the mayor of New York city for a while, you can see what it did to him there, you know. This is, uhm, this is, uh, Charles DeGaulle, he, he was a very famous French chef, had his own television show, showed you how to make souflets and omelettes and everything.


    Luna Schlosser : You were screaming out different names in your sleep.
    Miles Monroe : I was having sexual nightmares.


    Miles Monroe : I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.





    Movie Title: Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) as Mickey:



    Mickey : And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.


    Mickey : A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store - I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might-ve stopped me - MIGHT'VE - is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle - you know - it would've been a blood bath.

    [After learning Mickey is infertile]
    Hannah : Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
    Mickey : How could I ruin myself?
    Hannah : I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
    Mickey : You gonna start knockin' my hobbies?


    Mickey : I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials.


    Mickey : I'm afraid once they're done singing they're gonna take hostages!


    Mickey : I'll be the father, all you have to do is masturbate into a little cup.


    Mickey : [watching joggers in Central Park] Look at all these people, trying to stave off the inevitable decay of their bodies.


    Holly : Don't you just love songs about extra-terrestrial life?
    Mickey : Not when they're sung by extra-terrestrial life.





    Movie Title: Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993) as Larry Lipton:



    Carol Lipton : Look at you, you're all white.
    Larry Lipton : All the blood rushed to my brother!


    Carol Lipton : You promised you'd sit through a hockey game, and I promised I'd sit through the Wagner opera next week.
    Carol Lipton : I know, I know...
    Larry Lipton : I already bought the earplugs.


    Carol Lipton : Larry, I think it's time we reevaluated our lives.
    Larry Lipton : I've reevaluated our lives; I got a 10, you got a 6.


    Carol Lipton : Larry, I think she's dead!
    Larry Lipton : Try giving her the present.


    Hotel night clerk : You are with police?
    Larry Lipton : Yes, I'm a detective. They lowered the height requirement.


    Larry Lipton : Here, taste my tuna casserole and tell if I put in too much hot fudge.


    Larry Lipton : I haven't been on my treadmill for weeks. 572 weeks - that's 11 years.


    Larry Lipton : I like a hotel with lots of blue powder sprinkled along the base boards.


    Larry Lipton : I think it's a reasonable assumption that if you're dead you don't suddenly turn up in the New York City Transit System.


    Larry Lipton : I was in a deep sleep - I was dreaming of roundcar girls.


    Larry Lipton : I'd fix Ted up with Helen Dubin, but they'd probably get into an argument over penis envy; the poor guy suffers from it so.

    Arthur Bannister: [on the movie screen, "The Lady from Shanghai" is playing] I'm aiming at you, lover.
    Mrs. Dalton : I'm aiming at you, lover. Arthur Bannister: Of course, killing you is killing myself.
    Mrs. Dalton : Of course, killing you is killing myself. Arthur Bannister: But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us.
    Mrs. Dalton : But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us. [On the screen, Arthur and Elsa shoot at each other, breaking mirrors; in the theatre, Mrs. Dalton and Mr. House shoot at each other, breaking mirrors and finally killing Mr. House]
    Larry Lipton : I'll never say that art doesn't imitate life again.


    Larry Lipton : I'm a world renowned claustrophobic.


    Larry Lipton : Claustrophia and a dead body - this is a neurotic's jackpot!


    Larry Lipton : New York is the city that never sleeps! That's why we don't live in Duluth. Plus, I don't even know where Duluth is. Lucky me.


    Larry Lipton : Yes, of course you woke us - not everyone is up at 1 AM watching the porn channel.


    Larry Lipton : Ted has a mind like a steel sieve.


    Larry Lipton : Ted sees himself as Rick in Casablanca; I see him more as Peter Lorre.


    Larry Lipton : This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps.
    Ted : I can see that, depending on who's on the stamp.


    Larry Lipton : You're suggesting we try to provoke him into murdering us?
    Marcia Fox : You have a problem with that?
    Larry Lipton : Well, either that, or I suddenly developed Parkinson's.


    Larry Lipton : My favorite thing in life is, you know, to look at cancelled postage.

    [Hands super a one-dollar tip]
    Larry Lipton : What are you making a face for? He's the father of our country.


    Lillian House : Exercising changed my life.
    Larry Lipton : I prefer to atrophy.


    Paul House : Well, what do you buy a woman who has everything?
    Lillian House : We already own twin cemetery plots.
    Larry Lipton : I always think a Bentley is in good taste. Or, you could go the route I did and buy her a set of handkerchiefs.
    Carol Lipton : Well, they were very nice though, and they had my initials.
    Larry Lipton : Yeah, and I didn't even know her size.


    Larry Lipton : I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.


    Larry Lipton : There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.


    Larry Lipton : Jesus, save a little craziness for menopause!


    Larry Lipton : I forbid. I forbid you to go. I'm forbidding!... Is that what you do when I'm forbidding?


    Larry Lipton : I can't believe I was worried about you and Ted, I mean take away his fake tan, his capped teeth and his Cuban heels and what have you got?
    Carol Lipton : You!


    Carol Lipton : I don't understand why you're not more fascinated with this! I mean, we could be living next door to a murderer, Larry.
    Larry Lipton : New York is a melting pot! I'm used to it!


    Larry Lipton : My life is passing before my eyes. The worst part about it is that I'm driving a used car.


    Larry Lipton : Meanwhile, I can't get that Flying Dutchman theme out of my head. Remind me tomorrow to buy up all the Wagner records in town and rent a chainsaw.


    Carol Lipton : Did you see this? This man in Missouri killed twelve victims, dismemebered them, and ate them.
    Larry Lipton : Really? Well, it's an alternative lifestyle.





    Movie Title: The Front (1976) as Howard Prince:



    Florence Barrett : A writer looks for trouble.
    Howard Prince : No, wrong. A lunatic looks for trouble.





    Movie Title: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) as Victor Shakapopulis / Fabrizio / The Fool / Sperm #1:


    Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
    Fabrizio : [in Italian] For how long? Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
    Fabrizio : [in Italian] How long with your wife? Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
    Fabrizio : [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!


    The Fool : My father! You who died in childbirth!


    Victor Shakapopulis : I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."


    The Queen : Kiss me quick!
    The Fool : Yes!... where is your quick?


    The Queen : Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
    The Fool : Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.

    [the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom]
    The King : [to the Queen] Come, give me a kiss.
    The Fool : 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.


    The Fool : Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.


    The Fool : With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!

    [The King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]
    The Fool : Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?


    Gina : [in Italian] It was my first time. Did you like it?
    Fabrizio : [in Italian] Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.

    [Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]
    Fabrizio : [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... [a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]
    Fabrizio : [sleepily, in Italian] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... [Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]


    Woods County Sheriff : [on radio] Be on the look out for a large female breast.
    Victor Shakapopulis : It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.
    Woods County Sheriff : About a 4000 with an X-cup.


    Sperm #1 : I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.





    Movie Title: Shadows and Fog (1992) as Kleinman / Kleinmann:



    Irmy : I slept with one person for money. Does that makes me a whore?
    Kleinmann : No, only by the dictionary definition.


    Kleinmann : I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence


    Kleinmann : I've never paid for sex in my life. Prostitute: You just think you haven't.


    Kleinman : A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.


    Kleinman : I don't know enough to be incompetent.





    Movie Title: Casino Royale (1967) as Jimmy Bond / Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah:



    Jimmy Bond : You can't shoot me! I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.


    The Detainer : You're crazy. You are absolutely crazy!
    Jimmy Bond : People called Einstein crazy.
    The Detainer : That's not true. No one ever called Einstein crazy.
    Jimmy Bond : Well, they would have if he'd carried on like this.

    [speaking amorously to The Detainer, believing he has seduced her to his cause]
    Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah : And afterwords we can run amok! Or if you're too tired, we can walk amok.





    Movie Title: Manhattan (1979) as Isaac Davis:


    [Looking at old meat.]
    Isaac Davis : Corn beef should not be blue


    Isaac Davis : I feel like we're in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.


    Isaac Davis : I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.


    Isaac Davis : Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Beneath his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be...


    Isaac Davis : My ex-wife left me for another woman.


    Isaac Davis : She's 17. I'm 42 and she's 17. I'm older than her father, can you believe that? I'm dating a girl, wherein, I can beat up her father.


    Yale : You are so self-righteous, you know. I mean we're just people. We're just human beings, you know? You think you're God.
    Isaac Davis : I... I gotta model myself after someone.


    Isaac Davis : This is so antiseptic. It's empty. Why do you think this is funny? You're going by audience reaction? This is an audience that's raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!


    Party Guest : I finally had an orgasm, and my doctor said it was the wrong kind.
    Isaac Davis : You had the wrong kind? I've never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money.


    Isaac Davis : Has anybody read that Nazis are gonna march in New Jersey? Y'know, I read this in the newspaper. We should go down there, get some guys together, y'know, get some bricks and baseball bats and really explain things to them.
    Party Guest : There is this devastating satirical piece on that on the Op Ed page of the Times, it is devastating.
    Isaac Davis : Well, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to the point.

    [On her ex-husband]
    Mary Wilke : I was tired of submerging my identity to a very brilliant, dominating man. He's a genius.
    Isaac Davis : Oh really, he was a genius, Helen's a genius and Dennis is a genius. You know a lot of geniuses, y'know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y'know, you could learn something.


    Isaac Davis : It's an interesting group of people, your friends are.
    Mary Wilke : I know.
    Isaac Davis : Like the cast of a Fellini movie.


    Mary Wilke : I'm honest, whaddya want? I say what's on my mind and, if you can't take it, well then fuck off!
    Isaac Davis : And I like the way you express yourself too, y'know, it's pithy yet degenerate. You get many dates?


    Mary Wilke : Well tell me, why did you get a divorce?
    Isaac Davis : Why? I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.
    Mary Wilke : Really? God, that must have been really demoralizing.
    Isaac Davis : Well, I dunno, I thought I took it rather well under the circumstances. I tried to run them both over with a car.


    Isaac Davis : I got a kid, he's being raised by two women at the moment.
    Mary Wilke : Oh, y'know, I mean I think that works. Uh, they made some studies, I read in one of the psychoanalytic quarterlies. You don't need a male, I mean. Two mothers are absolutely fine.
    Isaac Davis : Really? Because I always feel very few people survive one mother.


    Pizzeria Waiter : Who ordered the green peppers? Was that you? Must've been. Anchovies, sausage, mushrooms, garlic and green peppers.
    Isaac Davis : Forgot the coconut.


    Isaac Davis : No, I didn't read the piece on China's faceless masses, I was, I was checking out the lingerie adds.


    Mary Wilke : I guess I should straighten my life out, huh? I mean, Donnie my analyst is always telling me...
    Isaac Davis : You call your analyst Donnie?
    Mary Wilke : Yeah, I call him Donnie.
    Isaac Davis : Donnie, your analyst? I call mine Dr. Chomsky, y'know, he hits me with a ruler.


    Isaac Davis : It's brown water! I'm paying seven-hundred dollars a month, I got rats with bongos and a, and a frog and I got brown water here.


    Isaac Davis : You know what you are? You're God's answer to Job, y'know? You would have ended all argument between them. I mean, He would have pointed to you and said, y'know, "I do a lot of terrible things, but I can still make one of these." You know? And then Job would have said, "Eh. Yeah, well, you win."


    Tracy : Let's fool around, it'll take your mind off it.
    Isaac Davis : Hey, how many times a night can you, how, how often can you make love in an evening?
    Tracy : Well, a lot.
    Isaac Davis : Yeah! I can tell, a lot. That's, well, a lot is my favorite number.


    Mary Wilke : Don't psychoanalyze me. I pay a doctor for that.
    Isaac Davis : Hey, you call that guy that you talk to a doctor? I mean, you don't get suspicious when your analyst calls you at home at three in the morning and weeps into the telephone?
    Mary Wilke : Alright, so he's unorthodox. He's a highly qualified doctor.
    Isaac Davis : He's done a great job on you, y'know. Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.


    Isaac Davis : I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.


    Isaac Davis : I think that, under my personal vibrations, I could put her life in some kind of good order.
    Yale : Yeah, that's what you said about Jill, and under your personal vibrations she went from bisexuality to homosexuality.
    Isaac Davis : Yeah, but I gave her the old college try.


    Isaac Davis : You honestly think that I tried to run you over?
    Connie : You just happened to hit the gas as I walked in front of the car?
    Isaac Davis : Did I do it on purpose?
    Jill : Well, what would Freud say?
    Isaac Davis : Freud would say I really wanted to run her over, that's why he was a genius.


    Isaac Davis : So what does, what does your analyst say? I mean, did you speak to him?
    Mary Wilke : Well, Donnie's in a coma, he had a very bad acid experience.


    Isaac Davis : What are you telling me, that you're, you're, you're gonna leave Emily, is this true? And, and run away with the, the, the winner of the Zelda Fitzgerald emotional maturity award?


    Isaac Davis : Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um...Well, There are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. uh...Like what... okay...um...For me, uh... ooh... I would say ... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... uh...um... and Wilie Mays... and um ... the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony ... and um... Louis Armstrong, recording of Potato Head Blues ... um ... Swedish movies, naturally ... Sentimental Education by Flaubert ... uh... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra ... um ... those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne... uh...the crabs at Sam Wo's... uh... Tracy's face ...





    Movie Title: Deconstructing Harry (1997) as Harry Block / Harry:



    Harry Block : What? You have air-conditioning in Hell?
    The Devil : Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer!


    Doris : You have no values. With you its all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
    Harry Block : Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!


    Harry Block : Tradition is the illusion of permanence.


    Harry Block : Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Oh sorry, bad example.


    Harry Block : The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."


    Harry Block : Between air conditioning and the Pope, I chose air conditioning.


    Harry Block : I'm a guy who can't function well in life but can in art.


    Harry Block : Six shrinks later, three wives down the line, and I still can't get my life together.


    Harry Block : The two most important things are the work that you choose and sex.


    Burt : Do you care even about the holocaust, or do you think it never happened?
    Harry Block : Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken


    The Devil : You ever fuck a blind girl?
    Harry Block : No. That I never did.
    The Devil : Oh, they're so grateful.


    Harry Block : [to his brother-in-law Bert] I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.


    Harry : Cookie, do you know what a black hole is?
    Cookie : Sure, that's how I make my livin'!





    Movie Title: Picking Up the Pieces (2000) as Tex Cowley / Tex:



    Tex Cowley : She had a boyfriend before me who was in with the mob, and she testified against him and, you know, he didn't take it too kindly... So we came out to Texas, eh, primarily for the air... Actually, we, eh, we wanted to keep breathing it...


    Tex : What's the matter with you? Am I gonna have to start slippin' Prozac in to your Alpo?


    Tex : Have you ever operated heavy machinery while taking anit-histamines?





    Movie Title: Anything Else (2003) as Dobel / David Dobel:



    David Dobel : In eros veritas


    David Dobel : I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, "Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?" I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me." And he said, "Well, we have to look into that." And I said, "There's nothing to look into. I wanted her and she left me." And he said, "Well, why are you feeling so intense?" And I said, "Cause I want the girl." And he said, "What's underneath it?" And I said, "Nothing." He said, "I'll have to give you medication." I said, "I don't want medication. I want the girl." And he said, "We have to work this through." So, at that point, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck.


    David Dobel : Let me tell you, I am of the Hebrew persuasion, but that guy who handles you is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have remained lost.


    David Dobel : The pill makes her crazy? Falk, she *is* crazy. The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.


    David Dobel : The thing I'm going to miss the most is the kids. The kids here are wonderful kids... they're bright... you should see the creative ways they smuggle weapons past the metal detectors.


    Dobel : I took the liberty a couple weeks ago of ordering you a little present.
    Jerry Falk : What?
    Dobel : Well, they're having a sale here on surplus Russian Army riffles.
    Jerry Falk : What?
    Dobel : Well suppose you're home one night, you know, in bed masturbating and some guys try to break in. You need protection!
    Jerry Falk : No! I just dial 9-1-1.
    Dobel : Have you ever dialled 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage!


    David Dobel : You don't want your life to end up in a blank and white newsreel scored by a cello in a minor key.





    Movie Title: Everyone Says I Love You (1996) as Joe:



    Joe : In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.


    Joe : I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.


    Joe : There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed.


    Steffi : You always pick the wrong women.
    Joe : Hey, I picked you.
    Steffi : Yeah, I know, we got divorced.
    Joe : 'Cause you were impossible to live with.
    Steffi : "I was impossible to live with," I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer!
    Joe : So I compromised, I became a writer and a patient.


    Steffi : Y'know over the years I often wondered what would have happened if we stayed together.
    Joe : Well, that's something we never gonna know. We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. She got your looks, fortunately, and my... magic personality.


    Joe : Carol was a poet and a member of MENSA so...
    Steffi : She was a heroin addict!
    Joe : Yeah she was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin, so how was I to know?


    Joe : You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing.





    Movie Title: The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001) as C.W. / C.W. Briggs:



    Chris : You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
    C.W. : I know, perceptive.


    C.W. : A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...


    C.W. : It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.


    C.W. : They all look the same upside down.


    C.W. : I hate her just like I hate that German Chancellor with the moustache.


    Betty Ann : You're searching my desk!
    C.W. : I wasn't searching I was rummaging.


    C.W. Briggs : They say, I always get my man.
    Laura Kensington : Me too.





    Movie Title: A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (1982) as Andrew:



    Ariel : Andrew, we'll get killed!
    Andrew : No, no. Don't be silly. Trust me, it's me, Andrew. ...Trust me anyhow.


    Ariel : How's your marriage?
    Andrew : My marriage is fine.
    Ariel : Ya?...
    Andrew : It's not working but it's fine.


    Ariel : He taught me a lot...
    Andrew : Like what?
    Ariel : Like how to listen to Mozart.
    Andrew : With your ears, right?


    Andrew : I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives.


    Andrew : Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose.


    Andrew : When are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.
    Andrew : I didn't lie. I wasn't lying, Adrian. I was not lying. Do you want to know why I lied?


    Maxwell : I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.
    Andrew : Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up.


    Maxwell : I never felt like this. The moment I smelled her I loved her.
    Andrew : Well, smell someone else. She's taken.


    Andrew : He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.


    Leopold : So, you're an inventor, hey?
    Andrew : Crackpot inventor.
    Adrian : Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell 'em about that.
    Andrew : It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish, and if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.


    Andrew : I'm not a poet. I don't die for love. I work on Wall Street.


    Andrew : Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.


    Andrew : Only a drunken, infantile idiot shoots himself over love, not an internist.


    Ariel : You showed me your latest invention.
    Andrew : Of course, my musical house slippers. Remember that?





    Movie Title: Husbands and Wives (1992) as Gabe Roth / Gabe:



    Gabe : Change equals death!
    Judy : What kind of bullshit? That's just a bullshit line! Maybe you fool your twenty-year-old students into thinking that's some kind of a, an insight or something, but it means nothing! Change is what life is made of! Change -- if you don't change, you don't grow, you just shrivel up!


    Gabe Roth : See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they're self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.


    Gabe Roth : I do not flirt!
    Judy Roth : Don't tell me you don't flirt because I've seen you do it, at parties, you put on a whole other personality.
    Gabe Roth : Oh you're crazy.
    Judy Roth : Of course you do. You get all soulful and pretend to want things that you really can't stand.
    Gabe Roth : Like what? What are you talking about?
    Judy Roth : Like moving to Europe. That's just a flirting technique, you couldn't survive off the island of Manhattan for more than 48 hours.





    Movie Title: What's New, Pussycat (1965) as Victor Skakapopulis:



    Dr. Fritz Fassbender : My father, the most beloved gynecologist in Vienna, before they took him away on a morals charge for indecent exposure at the State Opera House, said, and I quote: "Please do not take me away, I will not do it again."
    Victor Skakapopulis : Brilliant quote.
    Dr. Fritz Fassbender : He was a brilliant pervert.


    Michael James : Did you find a job?
    Victor Skakapopulis : Yeah, I got something at the striptease. I help the girls dress and undress.
    Michael James : Nice job.
    Victor Skakapopulis : Twenty francs a week.
    Michael James : Not very much.
    Victor Skakapopulis : It's all I can afford.


    Dr. Fritz Fassbender : I am a doctor of the mind.
    Victor Skakapopulis : Really?
    Dr. Fritz Fassbender : Yes!
    Victor Skakapopulis : I have terrible emotional problems. Could you help me?
    Dr. Fritz Fassbender : You certainly picked a very odd time to ask me, just in the middle of a suicide.


    Victor Skakapopulis : Do you have any salt?
    Dr. Fritz Fassbender : Have I got any salt? I got a boat, I got kerosene, matches, firecrackers, two swords, and this flag. But, I ain't got no salt.


    Victor Skakapopulis : I just burnt my finger! I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a minute.


    Victor Skakapopulis : We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.


    Carole Werner : You got something to eat?
    Victor Skakapopulis : Some, uh, some fig newtons, and some Hershey bars, and some cough drops.

       
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