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 Amanda Bearse QuotationMovie Title: Fright Night (1985) as Amy: Charley Brewster : What if he was really in trouble? Amy : It's Just Evil! [Shouting] Amy : Quit it! It's evil, not funny! Movie Title: Married... with Children (1987) as Marcy / Marcy D'Arcy: Marcy : Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies. Al : Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth. Marcy : But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer? Al : All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell beer, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer, and ugly women make us *drink beer*. Marcy : What would it be like if men had breasts? Al : We wouldn't need women any more. [Al and Peg are competing with Marcy and Jefferson for a shopping spree] Jefferson : Drop dead. Peggy : Lick feet. Marcy : Eat dust. Al : Grow hair. Marcy : Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day? Peggy : Well, having the kids. Marcy : No, I mean have you ever done something that you really regretted? Peggy : Having the kids. Peggy : Marcy what is it? Marcy : Peggy, Steve's IMPOTENT. [Steve walks in] Al : Hey Steve. What's up? OOPS! Peggy : Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant. Al : Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra. Marcy : That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things. Marcy : Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing? Al : Going blind if you stand up. [Al and Peggy are playfully shooting each other with Nerf Ball guns] Marcy : What is going on here? Al : Foreplay. Peggy : No, this can't be foreplay. I'm enjoying it. Al : And, I'm in the room. Marcy : Oh, come on Al. You can't keep this up for a whole month. Sooner or later, some chorally challenged woman is going to walk through those doors and your going to end up insulting her. You know why? Because you don't know the first thing about politically correct behavior. Al : What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women? Marcy : Today's obese woman feels that it's their God-given right to be heavy, and they do not like being insulted or commented on it by you or me or anyone. Al : So for example, if some moo-cow rumbles in here with a pie under each quadruple chin, I'm not supposed to ask her if that's the Star Spangled Banner that she's belching so that I can know whether to sit or stand. Marcy : No, ye of so little deodorant. [The Bundy's driveway is on the D'Arcy's property line. Marcy and Jefferson have set up a toll booth] Marcy : We'll be happy to let Al use it, won't we Jefferson? Jefferson : Sure, as long as he pays the toll. Al : What's the toll? Marcy : $1,500, exact change please. Al : $1,500? Are you crazy? Jefferson : [cocks rifle] Who you callin' crazy, Punk? Al : Uh... Your wife. [Marcy got "Psycho Dad" cancelled] Marcy : [singing "Psycho Dad" tune to Al] Who's that guy whose show is doooooone? Whose TV hero's on the ruuuuuun? Who'll be watching V-H-Oooooone? Loser Al. Loser Al. Loser Al. Al : Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top. Marcy : Or your pajama bottom. Al : I'll drive out Al Bundy: Old Dodge Owner, but I'll drive back in Al Bundy: Viper Man. Marcy : But on the down side, you'll still be Al Bundy. Al : What do I need a computer for? Marcy : News updates. Al : Newspaper. Marcy : Social events. Al : TV Guide. Steve : Recipes. Al : [Placing arm around Peg] Don't eat. Steve : Doctor's appointments. Al : Don't care. Jefferson : How am I going to pay for this? Marcy : Three words. Jefferson : I love you? Marcy : Try again. Jefferson : Hop on Pop? Marcy : Get a job. [Peg and Jefferson gape in horror] [hiding in a back alley in London] Marcy : Any more bright ideas, Mr. A-little-counterfeiting-never-hurt-anyone? Jefferson : As God as my witness, I thought Michael Caine's picture was on the £5 note. Marcy : It's the queen. Jefferson : Just our luck, we run into the one guy who can tell the difference. Video Retailer: Here are the videos we've held for you: Silence of the Loins and The Joy Slut Club. Marcy : Um, I'm going to take them home... To erase them. Video Retailer: Shall I charge it to your house account? Marcy : Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin. Steve : Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hastle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al? Al : What about tax? Steve : [after pause] You sound just like those fools in the treasury department. Marcy : Well, Dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin. Steve : Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you. Marcy : And audit you for five straight years. Jefferson : Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial? Al : No problem. You're talking beer, you're talking my language. Marcy : You're talking beer, you're talking his belly. Al : [Marcy is wearing a white turtle-neck sweater] Why do I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play t-ball? Marcy : It's the Jeffersons Movin' On Up Tour. Bud : Was the Facts of Life Eatin' On Up Tour all sold out? Marcy : Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do. Steve is an unfeeling cur. As you know, my sainted Aunt Tuney passed away. Steve : Sainted, my foot. She used to pay for sailors. Marcy : She was sixty-seven and they wouldn't come for free. Any... Anyway, I was her favorite, and the honor of caring for her sainted ashes fell to me. Steve : And the horrible cross to bear of caring for her hundred thousand dollars fell to her cats. Marcy : I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports. Al : You gonna neuter him too? Marcy : What's your'n is your'n and what's our'n is our'n. Kelly : [Al in the Dodge had accidentally rolled out of the garage] How did he finally stop? Jefferson : Well, luckily, there was a brand new, foreign car parked outside, which had finally been fixed but never driven. Marcy : Well I guess it's good to get that first broadside out of the way. Marcy : What did Peggy give you, Al? Al : Irregularity... and [refers to Bud and Kelly] Al : these two. Al : Once my kids leave the house, I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to. I can watch TV. I can... well, I don't know but it doesn't matter. It's still better than having a screaming, crapping, money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the graveyard. God I feel good. Peggy : Honey? Al : Yes? Peggy : Guess what? Al : What? Peggy : I'M PREGNANT TOO. Marcy : How far along are you? Peggy : Five months. Al : Five months? Peggy : Al, didn't you notice that I was getting fat? Al : Well... yeah. Marcy : Well, at least I have no complaints. My Jefferson can't do enough for me. Would you believe it? Right now he is out getting me a pie. Sometimes he is so good to me it just brings tears to my eyes. [Jefferson enters, carrying a pie] Jefferson : Well. Here it is. I drove fifty miles holding it up so the cherries wouldn't settle on the bottom. [He presents the pie to Marcy] Marcy : This is not a large. Is this all you think of me? Is this all you think of your child? Well, you just march yourself right back to Wisconsin and get another pie, mister, or you don't love our baby. [She starts crying] Jefferson : [Reluctantly leaves] OK, honey, I'll be right back with another pie. [he goes out the door] Jefferson : You stinkin', flamin'... [trails off] Jefferson : We were being so nostalgic that I... bought a '65 Mustang. Marcy : You bought a '65 Mustang? When are you going to get a job to drive it to? Jefferson : I look in the papers, it's just that by the time I get up all the good jobs are taken. Marcy : Guess what? We're going to have a new addition to our family. Al : Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch? Marcy : Peggy, I say this with love. [pauses] Marcy : You're the laziest bitch in Chicago. Marcy : Shove the fruitcake, you bitch. [Al answers the door after Marcy furiously knocks] Al : Hey, Marcy, I thought I heard some pecking. Marcy : Outta my way, Swamp Gas. Al : That's *Mr.* Swamp Gas to you. [Al, posing as Jefferson, is lying next to Marcy in bed] Marcy : Jefferson, rub my back. [Al hesitantly moves his hand toward her] Marcy : That's my chest. Al : Someone stole my Dodge. Marcy : Well it's your own fault for leaving it out front on garbage day. I'll bet somebody took it to start a new limousine service. You know, for those people who can't quite afford the luxury of Greyhound. Jefferson : Or maybe they'll use it as a pace car in the Garbage Man 500. Marcy : You could really use the money, Al. I mean it should be your choice to walk around with green teeth and yellow underwear. Or some times visa versa. Marcy : All right... well, would you consider the plight of the speckled songbird? To preserve it's melodious tone, we must protect this area from further development. Al : So those little bastards can sit outside my window and sing all night and I don't get no sleep? Marcy : It could do all sorts of things. Like keeping up with sports scores. Al : Newspaper. Steve : Social events. Al : TV Guide. Marcy : Organizing recipes. Al : [putting his arm around Peggy's shoulder] Don't eat. Steve : Doctor's appointments. Al : Don't care. Al : hy, Marcy? Marcy : Because Psycho Dad was the most violent program on TV. Did you know that they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show? Al : Well, a man's gotta re-load... Steve : It's not just a car, honey - it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior. Marcy : [looking troubled] Steve, where did you learn to talk like that? Steve : Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you. Jefferson : So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes? Al : Right here. Marcy : Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife. Al : No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like. Marcy : You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number? Jefferson : I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it? Marcy : I do remember my first apartment. My roommate and I were both single, both bursting with ripe, flowering womanhood. The sexual revolution was in full swing and we were a-happening. Peggy : Wow. I'll bet you were having sex all the time. Marcy : No, that cheap slut of a roommate stole all my boyfriends. I've never forgiven Mom for that. Jefferson : Well, let me tell you a little bit about my own swinging bachelor pad: mirror ball on the ceiling, water bed on the floor, fake medical degrees on the wall. Oh God, I have fun at that place. Marcy : Have? Jefferson, you don't still own that place, do you? Jefferson : Um... No. And it's not where I go Thursdays when I say I'm playing racquetball. Marcy : Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk around. Marcy : Now where could we find a man? Al, have you seen a man? Al : No, but I see a woman who could make one sterile. Al : Oh miss, I think you dropped something. Nibbles : Oh. [Bends over, showing cleavage] Nibbles : Thank you market dweller. Kelly Bundy : Dad? Dad? Daddy. Al : What? Kelly Bundy : Do you WANT anything? Al : Why, yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons... [Sees Marcy] Al : and a plucked chicken. Marcy D'Arcy : I thought I smelled shoes. Marcy : Girls like that are just cheap one-night stands. You all should be developing full, trusting relationships like I have with my Jefferson, who even now is away at computer camp trying to better himelf. Bud : Uh, Mrs. D'Arcy... [Gestures to the TV where Al, Griff and Jefferson are mingling with blondes in bikinis] Marcy : Road trip. Destination: Ft. Lauderdale. Al : Marcy, I need your advice. How can a young, attractive, not-so-bright woman like my daughter Kelly earn $1,000 in three nights? Marcy : Well, lets see. Either as an opening act for M.C. Hammer, or by spanking elderly gentlemen in a tight black leather dress. Al : Hey now, my daughter may be a lot of things, but she would never resort to professions like that. [Kelly enters wearing a tight black leather dress] Kelly : Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn. Al : Sure, have a good time pumpkin. [Kelly exits] Al : Now, as I was saying, if my daughter was doing something illegal or immoral, I would know about it. [the phone rings] Al : Hello? No, Kelly's out. Sure, I'll take a message. What's that? You have the money... and you can't wait to see if she's good as the guys say she is? Huh? Uh-ah... and you'll meet here where? Uh-ah... well maybe I'll see you there. Marcy : Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle. Al : Any hooters? Marcy : It is a François LuMach film. He explores the mind. Al : Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras". Jefferson : Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women. Peggy : I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt. Marcy : I want sensitivity. Jefferson : I want killings. Al : I want boobies. [They all start arguing] Al : Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. [Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop] Al : Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin. Kelly : You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy! Al : Jefferson, tell them what they can get for $800. Jefferson : Well, for $800 you can get a nice car. Kelly : Really, Mr. D'Arcy? You know where we can get a car for $800? Marcy : At the auto auction where they sell cars they've confiscated from criminals and drug dealers. Of course, the cars have some minor problems like bullet holes in the trunk; but you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge. Al : There's no bullet holes in my car, but that could change if I could persuade you to get into the trunk. Marcy : Does anyone have any gestures they'd like to have known? Anything at all? [Al gives Marcy the finger] Marcy : I don't think that particular gesture is necessary. Al. Marcy : Steve, I just came here to show you what you'll never have again [rips open her coat] Marcy : Read 'em and weep! Al : [offscreen] I, I'm blind! Help me, Peg; I can't see! Steve : Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game! [rips open his shirt] Peggy : [offscreen] Now, I'm blind too! Marcy : Oh my god. OH MY GOD! [Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating their pizza] Steve Rhoades : You ghouls! There's a splattered Santa all over your back yard. Al : What are we supposed to do Steve? Stop eating? |
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