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 Ricky Gervais Quotation"I did Jonathon Ross last year and he said 'do people do impressions of David Brent?' and I went 'well, they can't really because he's such a normal bloke'. Then, after the show, me and Ross are walking through the car park and this bloke jumps out and goes 'der-ner-ner-ner-ner', does the David Brent dance and runs away. Jonathon Ross was in hysterics: 'all that shit you came out with and then some bloke jumps out and runs away'. But on the whole it doesn't really happen" [on turning down a role in 'Pirates of the Caribbean'] " [I] didn't really fancy sitting in a hotel room in Los Angeles for nine weeks for two minutes on screen, to be honest. I don't really want to be an actor. I want to write and direct. I've been offered about ten British films. Obviously all shit. I was offered one with Johnny Depp, but again, it was a small character part, and I thought, 'What's the point?' No one's ever watched someone in seven films for one minute and said, 'Yeah, give him his own film'...it doesn't happen." I hate lateness. I hate people who are late. There is no excuse for turning up late for anything. I've never been late for anything in my life. I was actually born a week premature, because I wanted to be early for my own birth. Being late is an insult to me. "I've been offered a part in Alias and I'm going to do it. I love Alias, it's great and JJ Abrams is writing me a part especially. It's just whether I can do it or not - it's got to be the right time, the right project, it's got to be fun, it's got to be worth it and it mustn't be bad for my career. Most people go 'it'll do, it's work and it'll make me a bit more famous' or 'the money's good' but I just think I've never regretted saying no. But a lot of people have regretted saying yes." Accepting his Golden Globe: "I'm not from these parts. I'm from a little place called England - we used to run the world before you lot." About the showbiz lifestyle: "It's all too much trouble for me. It's probably because I'm fat and lazy and old." On Lord Of The Rings - I don't like all this stupid Gollum begat Wobblo and the Oompa Loompas and...Oh Jesus Christ! There was too much "Oh, God, here come the gloodloys..." Christ Almighty, what are they talking about!? "Why say a couple of lines opposite Brad Pitt when I could be playing lead back home?" (On turning down the chance to appear in Ocean's Twelve) Movie Title: The Office (2001) as David Brent: David Brent : Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do. David Brent : When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" David Brent : You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not. David Brent : Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. [David, Gareth and Tim are discussing catchphrases] Gareth Keenan : What ones are yours that I use? David Brent : Same shit, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me. Tim Canterbury : Wank you very much. David Brent : Yeah, I invented that. [Discussing Donna's relationship with Ricky] Gareth Keenan : It's not as if she's your daughter or anything though... David Brent : No but that's not the point. It's the principle, it was about respect. Gareth Keenan : Showing a bit of respect... David Brent : And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws, so... Gareth Keenan : Showing respect by obeying the law. She's legal, though. David Brent : What? Gareth Keenan : When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking. When girls are sixteen they're ready for... David Brent : "Gareth." [Arguing over the quiz result and request for a rematch] Chris Finch : Right, I will throw anything you choose over this building. If I do it, we win the quiz. Right? David Brent : Yeah, so you choose anything. If he can throw it over, we've won the champagne. And that's it. And that's the real quiz. Choose one thing. Ricky : You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you? Gareth Keenan : Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you ever done? [Brent believes anything with the Queen's image should be currency] David Brent : In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency. Tim Canterbury : Yeah, that'd happen. Gareth Keenan : Well, if he doesn't, report him. Tim Canterbury : Yeah, I'll report him while I'm walking home. Gareth Keenan : Get a taxi, if you've got enough stamps. Dawn Tinsley : Or cash 'em in at the Post Office. David Brent : Shouldn't have to. Shouldn't have to. [Donna & Ricky's relationship has been exposed] Donna : So now you know. David Brent : Yep. Brilliant. Donna : What? You got a problem with Ricky? David Brent : No, no, sleep with everyone in the office. He's not even a permanent member of staff. I'd have preferred it if you'd slept with Gareth. Donna : It wouldn't happen. David Brent : Oh Why? 'Cos he didn't go to university? Donna : No, 'Cos he's a little weasel-faced arse. David Brent : Yeah, you could do worse then Gareth. He hasn't missed one day in this office due to ill health. And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel, please? Donna : A weasel-faced arse. David Brent : Same thing. Donna : Well no it's not. Gareth would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel? Gareth Keenan : A weasel probably. David Brent : Have you heard George Michael's latest release? Tim Canterbury : No. David Brent : No? George Michael's latest song... his release, though... Tim Canterbury : Is it about blow jobs? David Brent : Yeah, that thing in the toilet. It was a hand job... Donna : Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go'? [Tim as a joke has put Gareth's stapler in a jelly] Gareth Keenan : Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time. David Brent : Why has he done that? Gareth Keenan : I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves. David Brent : Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced. You should know about that... What is in there? Gareth Keenan : It's my stapler. [Gareth plunges his hand in to fish out the stapler] David Brent : Well, don't do that... eat it out. There's people starving in the world, which I hate... and it's a waste so... How do you know it's yours? Gareth Keenan : It's got my name on it in Tipp-Ex. David Brent : Okay, don't eat it now then... chemicals. David Brent : Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted, so... every cloud. You're still thinking about the bad news aren't you? Rowan : Gareth, quick test exercise, ultimate fantasy? Gareth Keenan : Hmm? David Brent : We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it. Gareth Keenan : Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching. Rowan : Oh, um, Tim? Do you have one? Tim Canterbury : I'd never thought I'd have to say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please? David Brent : Who says famine has to be depressing? David Brent : Who says famine has to be depressing? David Brent : We have access to the internet. But it isn't censored, is that a good or a bad thing? Gareth Keenan : Bad. David Brent : Well, that's not for us to say. But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish'. It takes a little while. There. two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches. Just click on one, at random. Aaaagh, there. 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs'. Now, you don't punish anyone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs. Gareth Keenan : If anything, they should be rewarded. David Brent : They should be EQUAL. Gareth Keenan : Women are equal. David Brent : I've always said that, so... David Brent : I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that there would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so... Jennifer : Well, why on Earth would you do that? David Brent : Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale. Jennifer : Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be. [Pause] David Brent : They won't remember. David Brent : If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain - do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits. David Brent : People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics." David Brent : You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you're dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?' That's where I come in. You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go 'Thankyou David for the opportunity, thankyou for the wisdom, thankyou for the laughs.' I do it so, one day, someone will go 'There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.' David Brent : I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going 'Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?' No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough's a big place. And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I've got to-Didcott, Yately. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go 'Ooh, I don't feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?' 'Ooh, don't know, better ask the boss.' 'David can I stay in bed all day?' 'Yes you can David.' Both me, that's not me in bed with another bloke called David. David Brent : You're all looking at me, you're going, "Well yeah, you're a success, you've achieved you're goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure. But, OI, Brent. Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?" Let me show you something I always keep with me. Just a little book, Collective Meditations, and it's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, native American wisdom, which I, and it's really showing you that, er, the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality. And a foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so... Can I read one-which I think- "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock." It's saying, for the first time, you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, don't look over your neighbour's fence and go "ooh he's got a better car than me, ooh, he's got a more attractive wife." We all wake up and we go "oh, I ache, I'm not 18 any more, you know, I'm thirty ni- you know, I'm in my thirties, I'm not-", but so what, at least I've got my health. And if you haven't got your health-if you've got one leg, at least I haven't got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go "at least I'm not dead. I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be... you know, put down. I'm saying that, in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because... I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing. So... Tim Canterbury : I live with my parents David Brent : Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad's not dead, but in a home, so good as. David Brent : You've seen me entertain, and raise money, but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it's ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I'm your man. I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I'd like to do that on a global scale really. And that's not going 'Ooh, look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives aren't I brilliant?', it's going 'If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant'-not as entertainers, a lot of them can't even speak English, but you know don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don't know, give them a job on the world service or something. David Brent : Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer. David Brent : Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That's what I'm... you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great. David Brent : Today I'm doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that 'cos they think they're walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they're wrong, it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong. It's very much an opportunity... Gareth Keenan : -to separate the wheat from the chaff David Brent : Well, no, that sounds bad. It's not a witch-hunt, we're not trying to find out who the worst people are Gareth Keenan : Well, we know who they are already David Brent : Well, no Gareth Keenan : I've written them down on my form David Brent : You shouldn't have written them on your form Gareth Keenan : I've underlined the worst ones David Brent : You're missing the point [looks at Gareth's form] David Brent : Yep. David Brent : They're malleable, and you know that's what I like really, you know. I don't like people who come here: 'Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way'. I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don't... Team playing-I call it team individuality, it's a new, it's like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me. David Brent : The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, not gonna get me on that. David Brent : Neil makes me laugh though, because, you know, it's his interfering, it's his timing. Going on about he wants some report doing-it's red nose day, you know. Ooh, what's more important, you Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Ooh I don't know. Ooh what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know-imagine him going out of the door on comic relief day and Dawn French is going 'Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out.' 'Do it yourself I've gotta save some Africans.' David Brent : If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... (struggles for word). I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions. David Brent : What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went 'Mr Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?' Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish. Jennifer Taylor-Clark : I know that you're very loyal to your family here David Brent : I'd be loyal to his family, it's one big family Jennifer Taylor-Clark : I'm just sensitive to the fact that you have strong, let's say emotional ties to your team David Brent : Well, yeah, but there is the emotion as good in business syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenarios... Jennifer Taylor-Clark : I'm sorry David, you've lost me David Brent : Well, you're not looking at the whole pie Jenny. Wernham-Hogg is one big pie, and if they've let me in charge of that one big pie, then I'll be in charge of the pie, and the people are the fruit... Jennifer Taylor-Clark : I don't have time for the pie thing David David Brent : Yeah, oh, well I'll take the job please. David Brent : This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, he's mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. David Brent : There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. David Brent : The thing is though, no-one's dispensable in my book, because we're like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they're like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands Jennifer Taylor-Clark : And what part are you? David Brent : Good question. Probably the humour. David Brent : This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it Sanj: I don't, must be someone else David Brent : Oh, sorry, it's the other one... Sanj: The other what... Paki? David Brent : Ah, that's racist. David Brent : When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive. David Brent : We're both good in our own fields. I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn't do what-, well, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that, even back then. Probably what spurred them on. David Brent : This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn't fit for humans now.' Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he's embarrassed himself there. Next 'In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-' they wanna look nice, what's the matter, doesn't he like girls? 'And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren't look up and see the stars, but belch instead.' What's he on about? What, has he never burped? 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-' He's the only cabbage round here. And they made him a night of the realm. Overrated. [Dawn is introducing consultants to David] Dawn Tinsley : David, this is Ray and Jude from... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where you're from. Ray: Cooper and Webb. David Brent : Who's Cooper and who's Webb? Ray: Neither of us. David Brent : I bet you get that all the time. Ray: No. [Brent is waiting for his Blind Date to show up] David Brent : I don't know what to expect, to be honest. I haven't been impressed so far. Erm, I hope their vetting them, because the computer seems to be throwing up any old rubbish. It's like they haven't put me in the right category or something because, you know. Oh fuck. I don't believe it, look at his. [The camera turns to reveal a fat, grotesque looking woman walking towards David] Woman: Hello. David Brent : Hiya. Woman: Alright? David Brent : Yeah. Woman: Is Monkey in there? David Brent : [Can't hide his surprise and relief] Oh yeah. Woman: You all right? David Brent : Yeah, I was expecting a blind date, and was worried you were it. Neil Godwin : No dog with you today David? Chris Finch : Didn't you see her? She just left. [Neil & Chris start laughing at David] David Brent : Chris, why don't you fuck off? [Neil & Chris are left in stunned silence] [Brent is drunk in his motel room] David Brent : But, you know, Neil will make one too many mistakes. Head Office will see what I already knew, and they go in there, they will march in there. They go, Right, yeah, David was right. You've pissed off him and you've pissed off him. You're not the manager you thought you were. Okay. So get out, we made the mistake. Then they drag him out by his hair and that's when the begging starts. They'll come to me and say, Ooh, David you were right all along, you were the right man for this job, you're the best man for this job. Will you come back? I'll be like, yeah sure how much money have you got? Because this is going to cost you, this is going to cost you. David Brent : Don't assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me". David Brent : I'm going to have to let you go first Dawn Tinsley : What? Why? David Brent : Why? Stealing. Thieving. Dawn Tinsley : Thieving? What am I meant to have stolen? David Brent : Post-It notes. David Brent : Let's agree to disagree. Neil Godwin : No. Let's agree that you agree with me. David Brent : Is this why you're around all the time? Keeping tabs on me? I don't need a babysitter, you know, so... Neil Godwin : Well, with respect David, I think you do. [Jennifer has just been insulted in the warehouse by the warehouse crew] Jennifer : I just can't believe their total lack of respect. David Brent : Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense, but they left an image in my mind of you naked on all fours literally being done doggy style. [Brent is reading Dawn his poem, Excalibur] David Brent : I froze your tears, and made a dagger / and stabbed it in my cock, forever / it stays there like Excalibur / Are you my heaven? Say you are. Dawn Tinsley : Good... David Brent : Take this cool dark steeled blade / steal it, sheathe it in your lake / I'd drown with you to be together / Must you breath? 'Cause I need heaven. Dawn Tinsley : Ahhhh... it's powerful. David Brent : Very. And double meanings - did you get the double meanings? Dawn Tinsley : I did. David Brent : People go, "Why is it important, a question about Mr. Spock?" Oh, I go, "It's like saying I've got a new pedigree dog breed. It's half Alsatian, half Labrador". I go on to Crufts, I go, "Can I enter this dog in the Labrador section?" "No." "Why?" "Because it's not a Labrador." "Correct." "Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No. For the same reasons. Now get that dog out of my sight." "Thanks, I will. You've proved my point." And that's Crufts. All right. [a pornographic picture with Brent's head superimposed on is discovered on someone's email] David Brent : Who else has seen this filth? [everyone puts their hand up, including Joan the cleaning lady] David Brent : You haven't even got email, Joan. Joan: Someone printed it out for me. David Brent : Who printed this out for Joan? [everyone puts their hand up again] David Brent : Well. I'm angry. And not because I'm in it, but because it degrades women, which I hate. And the culprit, whoever he is, is in this room. Or she, it could be a woman. Women are as filthy as men. Not naming any names - I don't know any - but women... are... dirty. David Brent : Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys... Gareth Keenan : Hands off. David Brent : Yeah. Gareth Keenan : Out of bounds. David Brent : Yeah. Gareth Keenan : Look but don't touch. David Brent : (Annoyed) What d'you mean by 'look'. Gareth Keenan : Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas. David Brent : Yeah. Good. Gareth Keenan : Yeah. [Pause] Gareth Keenan : What if she's up for it? David Brent : How old would you say I was, if you didn't know me? Employee: Forty? David Brent : No, how old do you think I look? Employee: Ummm... thirty-nine? David Brent : Most people think I look about thirty. Employee: Definitely not. David Brent : Oh, are you calling them liars? How old do YOU think I look? Oliver : Between thirty and forty? David Brent : Yes. More honest. [on Comic Relief Day] David Brent : I've got the Slough Gazette coming to take a photo. Gareth Keenan : What time are they coming down? David Brent : About five-ish, so... Gareth Keenan : They'll love us, won't they? David Brent : No, I think it's just me, I've got something planned. Gareth Keenan : But we can all be in it, though? David Brent : No, not really, I called them, so... Gareth Keenan : But they'll love us, all being stupid. David Brent : Stop trying to worm your way into someone else's photo! |
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