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 Terry Jones QuotationMovie Title: Starship Titanic (1998) as Parrot: Parrot : Chicken, chicken, squawk, oh bliss! Oh bleeding heck, this chicken's cold! What's this, some sort of low-calorie fob-off? Where's the steaming fat? Where's the hot running grease? This is no chicken - this is some dirty no-good health food! Movie Title: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) as Sir Bedevere / Left Head / Prince Herbert / Woman: King of Swamp Castle : Listen, Alice... Prince Herbert : Herbert. King of Swamp Castle : Herbert... Sir Bedevere : What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3 : Well she turned me into a newt. Sir Bedevere : A newt? Peasant 3 : ...I got better. Crowd: BURN HER ANYWAY. King Arthur : I am your king. Woman : Well I didn't vote for you. King Arthur : You don't vote for kings. Woman : Well how'd you become king then? [Angelic music plays... ] King Arthur : The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king. Dennis : [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. Sir Bedevere : ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped. King Arthur : This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. [The King gestures to the window] King of Swamp Castle : One day, lad, all this will be yours. Prince Herbert : What, the curtains? King of Swamp Castle : No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out into the far reaches of this land! That'll be your kingdom, lad. Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Lancelot : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper : What... is your name? Sir Lancelot : My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? Sir Lancelot : To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour? Sir Lancelot : Blue. Bridgekeeper : Go on. Off you go. Sir Lancelot : Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Sir Robin : That's easy. Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Robin : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. Bridgekeeper : What... is your name? Sir Robin : Sir Robin of Camelot. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? Sir Robin : To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause] Sir Robin : I don't know that. [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano] Sir Robin : Auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper : Stop. What... is your name? Galahad : Sir Galahad of Camelot. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? Galahad : I seek the Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour? Galahad : Blue. No, yel... [he is also thrown over the edge] Galahad : auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper : Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name? King Arthur : It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? King Arthur : To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? King Arthur : What do you mean? An African or European swallow? Bridgekeeper : Huh? I... I don't know that. [he is thrown over] Bridgekeeper : Auuuuuuuugh. Sir Bedevere : How do know so much about swallows? King Arthur : Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. King of Swamp Castle : We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. Prince Herbert : But I don't like her. King of Swamp Castle : Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. Sir Bedevere : There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Peasant 1 : Are there? Oh well, tell us. Sir Bedevere : Tell me. What do you do with witches? Peasant 1 : Burn them. Sir Bedevere : And what do you burn, apart from witches? Peasant 1 : More witches. Peasant 2 : Wood. Sir Bedevere : Good. Now, why do witches burn? Peasant 3 : ...because they're made of... wood? Sir Bedevere : Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood? Peasant 1 : Build a bridge out of her. Sir Bedevere : But can you not also build bridges out of stone? Peasant 1 : Oh yeah. Sir Bedevere : Does wood sink in water? Peasant 1 : No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond! Sir Bedevere : No, no. What else floats in water? Peasant 1 : Bread. Peasant 2 : Apples. Peasant 3 : Very small rocks. Peasant 1 : Cider. Peasant 2 : Gravy. Peasant 3 : Cherries. Peasant 1 : Mud. Peasant 2 : Churches. Peasant 3 : Lead! Lead! King Arthur : A Duck. Sir Bedevere : ...Exactly. So, logically... Peasant 1 : If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood. Sir Bedevere : And therefore... Peasant 2 : ...A witch! Woman : I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. Dennis : You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes... Woman : Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. Dennis : That's what it's all about. If only people would... King Arthur : [interrupting] Please, please, good people! I am in haste! King Arthur : NI. Sir Bedevere : NOU. King Arthur : No, NI. Sir Bedevere : NOU. King Arthur : No No, NI... NI. Sir Bedevere : No,No,No,No... NI. Woman : And who are you? King Arthur : I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Woman : Who are the Britons? King Arthur : We all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king. Woman : I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. Dingo : [to camera] Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think. Left Head : At least ours was better visually. Dennis : At least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes. Old Man : Oh, get on with it. Tim the Enchanter : Yes, get on with it. Army: Yeah, get on with it. Dingo : Oh, I am enjoying this scene. God : GET ON WITH IT. Woman : Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here! Movie Title: Erik the Viking (1989) as King Arnulf: Thorfinn: You mean... you can't kill ANYBODY? King Arnulf : Right! Isn't it wonderful? Thorfinn: What? Not being able to kill anybody? King Arnulf : Well, of course. Eerik : How? King Arnulf : Well... for a start... er... there's no killing... Erik : Well, OBVIOUSLY there's no killing. King Arnulf : Well... Thorfinn: But how d'you take revenge? Keitel: How do you punish people? Ivar: How do you DEFEND yourselves? King Arnulf : We don't have to. We're all terribly nice to each other. Movie Title: Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) as 2nd BBC Voiceover / Mr Ian Throat / Mr. Milton / Judge / Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer / Joseph Montgolfier / Dr Cream / Biggles / Norman St. John Polevaulter / BBC Interviewer / Michael Balwin / Spreaders / Second Writer / Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson: [Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, has just been sworn in] Superintendent : You are hereby charged: one, that you did, on or about 1126, conspire to publicise a London Borough in the course of a BBC saga; two, that you were wilfully and persistently a foreigner; three, that you conspired to do things not normally considered illegal; four, that you were caught in possession of an offensive weapon, viz., the big brown table down at the police station... Judge : The big brown table down at the police station? Superintendent : It's the best we could find, m'lud... and five, all together now... All: Assaulting a police officer! Prosecuting Counsel : Call Police Constable Pan-Am. [Pan-Am enters, randomly beating people with his truncheon] Prosecuting Counsel : Into the witness box, Constable, there'll be plenty of time for that later on. Now, you are Police Constable Pan-Am? Police Constable Pan-Am : No! I shall deny that to the last breath in my body! [superintendent gestures to him] Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh, sorry! Yes. Prosecuting Counsel : Police Constable, do you recognize the defendant? Police Constable Pan-Am : No. Never seen him before in my life. [superintendent gestures again] Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh, yes, yes, he's the one. He done it. I'd recognize him anywhere! Sorry, super. Prosecuting Counsel : Constable, will you please tell the court in your own words what happened. Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh yes! [refers to a notebook] Police Constable Pan-Am : I was proceeding in a northerly direction up Alitalia Street when I saw the deceased [indicates Erik] Police Constable Pan-Am : standing at an upstairs window, baring her bosom at the general public. She then took off her - wait a tick. Wrong story. [leafs through notebook] Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh yes. There were three nuns in a railway station and the ticket inspector says to one of them - [superintendent gestures] Police Constable Pan-Am : No... anyway, I clearly saw the deceased... Clerk: Defendant. Police Constable Pan-Am : Defendant! Sorry. Sorry, super. I clearly saw the defendant... doing whatever he's accused of. Red handed! When kicked - cautioned, he said, [as if reading line by line] Police Constable Pan-Am : 'It's a fair. Cop I done it all. Right no doubt about. That.' Then, bound as he was to the chair, he assaulted myself and three other officers while bouncing around the cell. The end. [applause and cheering] Fourth Bruce : Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce. Michael Balwin, this is Bruce. And Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce. First Bruce : Is your name not Bruce, then? Michael Balwin : No, it's Michael. Second Bruce : That's gonna cause a little confusion. Third Bruce : Yeah. Mind of we call you Bruce, just to keep it clear? Larry Saltzberg : Now boys, here's my idea. Third Writer : It's great! Larry Saltzberg : You like it, huh? Others: Great, really great! etc. Larry Saltzberg : Do *you* like it? First Writer : Yeah! Uh... yeah. Larry Saltzberg : What do you like best about it? First Writer : Er, well, you haven't told us... what it is yet... Larry Saltzberg : WHAT? First Writer : I like what he likes. Larry Saltzberg : What do you like? Second Writer : I like what he likes. Third Writer : I like what he likes. Fourth Writer : I like what he likes. Fifth Writer : I'm just crazy about what he likes. Larry Saltzberg : What do you like? Sixth Writer : Uh... I... I agree with them. Larry Saltzberg : Good. Now we're getting somewhere. BBC Voiceover : Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now, it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening, it'll be ten o'clock and at 10:30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10:33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9:20. Those of you who missed 8:45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now, here is a time check. It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing. 2nd BBC Voiceover : You're a looney. BBC Voiceover : I get so bored. I get so bloody bored. Host : Did you write this symphony in the shed? Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson : No! Host : Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours? Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson : No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed. Host : I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in! Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson : No, no. Look. This shed business... it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me "Two Sheds" and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion... I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it! Host : Then you'll be Arthur "No Sheds" Jackson, eh? Interviewer : Good evening. Tonight I have with me Mr. Norman St. John Polevaulter who, for the last few years, has been contradicting people. St. John Polevaulter, why do you contradict people? Norman St. John Polevaulter : I don't! Interviewer : But... You told me that you did. Norman St. John Polevaulter : I most certainly did not! Interviewer : [comprehending] Oh! I see. I'll start again. Norman St. John Polevaulter : No, you won't. Interviewer : Shh! I understand you *don't* contradict people. Norman St. John Polevaulter : Yes, I do! Interviewer : And when *didn't* you start contradicting them? Norman St. John Polevaulter : I did! In 1952. Interviewer : 1952? Norman St. John Polevaulter : 1947! Interviewer : 23 years ago. Norman St. John Polevaulter : No! Biggles : Here they are, lord. Ximinez : Now, old lady - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - *two* last chances. And you shall be free - *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. Dear Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about. Ximinez : Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! Jacques Montgolfier : Don't forget we have a special guest coming this evening. Joseph Montgolfier : Huh? Jacques Montgolfier : Don't tell me you have forgotten already. The man who is giving us thousands of francs for our experiments. Joseph Montgolfier : What man? Jacques Montgolfier : Louis XIV! Joseph Montgolfier : Isn't he dead? Jacques Montgolfier : Evidently not. Mr Boniface : ["It's the Mind: A Weekly Magazine of Things Psychiatric"] Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind, we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened tonight on 'It's the Mind,' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've... [looks puzzled] Mr Boniface : Anyway, tonight on 'It's the Mind,' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange - ["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Mr Boniface, shaken] Mr Boniface : Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind,' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we someti... mes get... that... we've lived through something - ["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Mr Boniface, visibly shaken] Mr Boniface : Good... good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind,' we examine the phenomenon of d-d-d-d-d-déjà v-v-v-v-v-vu. That extraordinary feeling... quite extraordinary... [trails off; the phone rings and he picks it up] Mr Boniface : No, fine thanks, fine. [a hand reaches in and sets a glass on the desk; Boniface drinks and the hand exits] Mr Boniface : Oh thank you. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before. [phone; he picks it up] Mr Boniface : No, fine thank you, fine. [hand comes in as before; he jumps] Mr Boniface : Thank you. That strange feeling we... [phone] Mr Boniface : No, fine thank you, fine. [hand with glass] Mr Boniface : Thank you. [jumps and yelps] Mr Boniface : Look, something's happening to me. I-I-um, I think I'd better go and see someone. Good night. [exits and boards the psychiatrist milk float outside] Milkman : Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before? Mr Boniface : No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me. ["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Boniface in the studio, nervously biting his nails. He sees the camera, screams with terror, and runs outside to the float] Milkman : Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before? Mr Boniface : No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me. [a few minutes later, outside Dr Cream's office, Boniface jumps off and runs inside] Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter? Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu. [outside, he jumps off the float, looks about, puzzled, and runs inside] Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now, what seems to be the matter? Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu. [outside, he jumps off the float, more shaken, and runs in] Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter? Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu. [outside, he jumps off the float, looks about, scared, and runs inside as the show ends] Inspector Praline : Mr. Milton, you are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? Mr. Milton : I am. Inspector Praline : Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the "Whizzo Quality Assortment." Mr. Milton : Ah, yes. Inspector Praline : If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the "Cherry Fondue." This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. Mr. Milton : Agreed. Inspector Praline : Next, we have number four - "Crunchy Frog." Mr. Milton : Ah, yes. Inspector Praline : Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here? Mr. Milton : Yes, a little one. Inspector Praline : What sort of frog? Mr. Milton : A dead frog. Spreaders : It's Being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here. Man : What a stupid concept! BBC Interviewer : The activity you see behind me is part of the preparations for the new Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The man in charge of this expedition is Vice Admiral Sir John Cunningham. Sir, John, hello there. Vice Admiral Sir John Cunningham : Ah, hello. Well, first of all I'd like to apologize for the behaviour of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved British Navy. They are a small vociferous minority... and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find tooth marks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, necrophilia is *right out*. Judge : Michael Norman Randall, you have been found guilty of the murder of Arthur Reginald Webster, Charles Patrick Trumpington, Marcel Agnes Bernstein, Lewis Anona Rudd, John Malcolm Kerr, Nigel Sinclair Robinson, Norman Arthur Potter, Felicity Jayne Stone, Jean Paul Reynard, Rachel Shirly Donaldson, Stephen Jay Greenblatt, Karl Heinz Muller, Belinda Anne Ventham, Juan Carlos Fernandez, Thor Olaf Stensgaard, Lord Kimberley of Pretoria, Lady Kimberley of Pretoria, The Right Honourable Nigel Warmsley Kimberley, Robert Henry Noonan, and Felix James Bennett, on or about the morning of the 19th December 1972. Have you anything to say before I pass sentence? Mr. Randall : Yes, sir. I'm very sorry. Chief Superintendent Lookout : [Inspector Tiger has been murdered] This house is surrounded. I must ask that no-one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout. Lady Velloper : Lookout? Chief Superintendent Lookout : [jumps] What, where? Oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard. Lady Velloper : Why, what would we see? Chief Superintendent Lookout : I'm sorry? Lady Velloper : What would we see if we look out of the yard? Chief Superintendent Lookout : ...I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Aha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can discount that one. [starts laughing] Chief Superintendent Lookout : Lookout of the Yard! Very good. Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights. [lights out] Chief Superintendent Lookout : Good. Now then, there was a scream, aaahhhhhhhhhh! Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot. [a shot, lights on. Lookout has an arrow through his neck, poison in his lap, and bullet in his head] Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistnat Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer. All: Theresamanbehindyer? Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right, let's reconstruct the crime. Constable, you be Inspector Tiger. Policeman : Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall. Somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall. Take the tablets Tigerbody. [clapping from the others] Policeman : Alself me to myduce introlow left body in the roomself. Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Good, very good. Just sit down there. Right, now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream. [constable screams] Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Somebody shoots you... [shoots constable point-blank] Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : and the door opens... Chief Constable Fire : Nobody move. I'm Chief Constable Fire. All: Fire? Chief Constable Fire : [jumps] Where? Where? Ludovic : ['The Great Debate Number 31: TV4 Or Not TV4?'] Hello. Should there be another television channel or not? On tonight's programme, the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP. Mr Ian Throat : Good evening. Ludovic : The chairman of the Amalgamated Money TV, Sir Abe Sappenheim. Sir Abe Sappenheim : Good evening. Ludovic : The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie. Lord Kinwoodie : Hello. Ludovic : And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone. Mr Patrick Loone : Hello. Ludovic : Gentlemen, should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian? Mr Ian Throat : Yes. Ludovic : Francis? Lord Kinwoodie : No. Ludovic : Sir Abe? Sir Abe Sappenheim : Yes. Ludovic : Patrick? Mr Patrick Loone : No. Ludovic : Well there you have it, two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's 'Great Debate' will be about government interference in broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously. Movie Title: The Meaning of Life (1983) as Exec #3 / Biggs / Maria the cleaning woman / Mr. Creosote / Strange Man: Maitre d' : Good evening sir and how are we today? Mr. Creosote : Better. Maitre d' : Better? Mr. Creosote : Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up. [Large corporate boardroom filled with suited executives] Exec #1 : Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life" Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this. Exec #2 : Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: People aren't wearing enough hats. Two: Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this "soul" does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. Exec #3 : What was that about hats again? Exec #2 : Oh, Uh... people aren't wearing enough. Exec #1 : Is this true? Exec #4: Certainly. Hat sales have increased but not pari passu, as our research... Exec #3 : [Interrupting] "Not wearing enough"? enough for what purpose? Exec #5 : Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... [looking out window] Exec #5 : Has anyone noticed that building there before? Strange Man : And it went... wherever I... did go. Maria the cleaning woman : I used to work in the Académie Française / but it didn't do me any good at all. / And I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid / But it didn't teach me nothing I recall. / And the Library of Congress you would have thought would hold some key / but it didn't and neither did the Bodlean Library. / In The British Museum I hoped to find some clue / I worked there from nine till six / Read every volume through / But it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. / I just kept getting older, it got more difficult to see. / Till eventually me eyes went and me arthritis got bad. / So now I'm cleaning up in here but I can't be really sad. / Cause you see I feel that life's a game. / You sometimes win or lose. / And though I may be down right now at least I don't work for Jews. Maitre d' : Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif, or would he prefer to order straightaway? Today, we have for appetizers - excuse me - uh, moules marinieres, pate de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tarte de poireaux - that's leek tart - frogs legs amandine or oefs de caille Richard Shepherd - Ce'et a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pureed mushrooms. It's very delicate, very succulent. Mr. Creosote : I'll have the lot. Humphrey : Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? [pupils can't remember] Humphrey : Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? Pupils: Uh, no, sir. No, sir. Humphrey : Well, had I done foreplay? Pupils: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Humphrey : Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs. Biggs : Um, don't know. Sorry, sir. Humphrey : Carter? Carter : Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir? Humphrey : Well, a-and after that? Wymer : [Misunderstanding] Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir. [Humphrey chucks an object at Wymer for his stupidity] Humphrey : The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily. Movie Title: Life of Brian (1979) as Mandy: Brian : Have I got a big nose, Mum? Mandy : Stop thinking about sex! Brian : I wasn't! Mandy : You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?" Mandy : What star sign is he? Wise Man #2: Capricorn. Mandy : Capricorn, eh? What are they like? Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah. Wise Man #1: King of the Jews. Mandy : And that's Capricorn, is it? Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him. Mandy : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. [Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door] Mandy : Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. [Three wise men leave] Mandy : Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still. [Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house] Brian : They must have just popped by! Mandy : Popped by? SWARMED by is more like it! There's a multitude out there! Movie Title: Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982) as Wife: Albatross Woman : Albatross... Albatross. ALBATROSS. [looks to someone in the crowd] Albatross Woman : ... You're not supposed to be smoking that. Albatross. Someone in the crowd: What flavour is it? What flavour is it? Albatross Woman : Seagull sickle... Pelican bon-bon... ALBATROSS. Wife : I will have two icecreams, please. Albatross Woman : I don't have any icecreams, I've just got this albatross. ALBATROSS. Wife : What flavour is it? Albatross Woman : ...Well it's an albatross. Isn't it? It's not any bloody flavour. ALBATROSS. Wife : It's got to be some flavour, I mean everything's got a flavour. Albatross Woman : Alright. Alright. It's bloody... albatross flavour... Bleedin' seabird bleedin' flavour. ALBATROSS. Wife : You get wafers with it? Albatross Woman : Of course you don't getting fucking wafers with it you cunt. It's a fucking albatross isn't it. Husband : It's the Bishop of Leicester. Wife : How do you know? Husband : Tattooed on the back of his neck. I think I'd better call the police. Wife : Shouldn't you call the church? Son : Call the Church Police. Husabnd: Good idea. Movie Title: US Comedy Arts Festival Tribute to Monty Python (1998) as Terry Jones: Robert Klein : You were six and of course, Graham Chapman passed away in 1989. He would have loved this. Terry Jones : He would have. John Cleese : But he's dead. Michael Palin : He is no more. Terry Gilliam : Stone dead! Michael Pailn: He is no more. Ceased to be. John Cleese : Stone fucking dead. Michael Palin : Fucking dead. |
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