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 Donal Logue Quotation"Follow your deepest dream, the one you had as a kid...but stay focused." Movie Title: The Size of Watermelons (1996) as Gnome: Gnome : What is *important* to know is that the illegal annexation of the Hawaiian island chain was one of the most politically foul, grotesque and retarded moves since the Mongols gave back Europe! Movie Title: Blade (1998) as Quinn: Quinn : I'm gonna be naughty! I'm gonna be a naughty vampire god! Quinn : You took my arm man. I owe you one. [Stabs Blades' arm] Quinn : But if you want to get technical Blade, I owe you two. [Blade starts laughing] Quinn : What's so funny? Blade : I'm expecting company [Wall explodes] Whistler : Did I catch you fuckers at a bad time? Quinn : HE WANTS BLADE ALIVE! Movie Title: The Tao of Steve (2000) as Dex: Priest : Dex, I find it hard to believe that someone of your, uh.. Dex : Moral turpitude? Priest : Yeah, would ever consider being a priest. Dex : Ya know, actually, I was accepted to Divinity school. Priest : Really? So what happened? Dex : It's like St. Augustine said, ya know: "Lord, give me chastity and virtue, but not just yet." Dex : Do you want to have sex with this woman? Dave : Definitely. Dex : Okay, then you're violating the first rule of being Steve. Dave : Who? Dex : You must learn to eliminate your desire. Rick : It's Buddhist. Dex : I think the Taoists said it first. Rick : Hey, are we gonna have a seminar or are we gonna play golf? Dex : Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay? If you're out with this girl and even THINKING about getting laid, you're finished, cuz women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe. Syd : What do you look for in a woman? Dex : Uh,... Low Standards. Dave : Okay, so if I'm not a Steve, then what am I? Dex : You... You're ... a Stu. Dex : Look at me. Look at me, okay? Technically, I shouldn't be getting laid, but I do. And do you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman, that's all I'm doing is hanging out, talking, listening. I'm not sitting there thinking about how to get in bed with her. And this completely confuses them because they're saying "Wait a minute. I'm so much better looking than this guy. Isn't he attracted to me?" The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us. Rick : It's from Heidegger. Unnamed Guy Playing Poker: Groucho Marks said the same thing. "Act like a woman can't join your club, and she'll do almost anything to get in." Julie : You have so many great books. Dex : [Mumbling] The better to seduce you with. Julie : What? Dex : The better to deduce the truth with. Dex : Dating's so tricky, that's all. And you're really cool. You have a great personality. I just don't wanna... I just don't wanna mess up our friendship. Julie : Friendship? We just met! Syd : I made a schedule on my computer. Dex : How Marcia Brady of you! Dex : How can you not love a British rock band consisting of four teenage bumble bees. Rick : Can I talk to you second? Dex : I'm blanching the butter. Rick : Okay, Martha Stewart. When you're done? Dex : But I think seriously that most people want a composite of the opposite sex. Ya know, cuz you gals aren't ever going to find Antonio Banderas with the personality of Fred MacMurray. And I'm never going to get Rachel Welch with the personality of Lucille Ball. Syd : What's wrong with just Lucille Ball? Rick : What's wrong with just Rachel Welch? Dex : Amen! I mean my biggest fear is that I'm gonna marry the woman that I want to hang out with and talk to in my golden years and then die in a fiery car crash when I'm forty and I miss all those years of having sex. Maggie : [to Dex] But you've never been happy with any women you've dated. Dex : Well, that's Male Insanity Syndrome. Ya know, that is just you're with a woman and no matter how cool she is, you're always thinking "Maybe I could do a little better or I could trade up somehow. Syd : "Trade up?" Rick : Dex is just bitter because he's never been in love. Dex : [Offended] I love my dog. [Dex takes a substantial hit off a bong at 7:30am] Syd : Would you describe this as a typical morning for you? Dex : [Trying not to exhale] Hell no. Usually I spend this time cross-training. Syd : So, you smoke pot for breakfast, you work part time, and you ... Dex : ... have limited potential. Dex : Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler. He did a lot. But don't we all wish he woulda just stayed home and gotten stoned? Syd : Oh, I see. So you're only options are to get stoned or commit genocide? Dex : I'm serious. If you're hanging out with women as friends, your doing your research in the wrong library. Dave : What's wrong with being friends with women? Dex : Nothing, but getting out of that category of 'friend' is harder than like getting out of Alcatraz. Dex : And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness. Dex : Steve is the prototypical cool American male. Y'know, I'm talking about Steve McGarrett, alright? Steve Austin, Steve McQueen. Y'know, he's the guy on his horse, the guy alone. He has his own code of honor, his own code of ethics, his own rules of living, man. He never, ever tries to impress the women but he always gets the girl. Dex : Awwww, dude, there's a certain order you're supposed to do things in, and telling someone you love them is definitely last in that order. Dave : Well, when are you supposed to tell 'em? Dex : I dunno. Maybe your 40th wedding anniversary or something? Dex : I'm gonna tell you this one last time and maybe you should tattoo it on your dick so you don't forget, okay? "We pursue that which retreats from us." Dex : And that takes us to Part III of the Tao of Steve, okay? Alright, after you've eliminated your desire, and after you've been excellent in her presence, then you must retreat. Okay? Dex : You couldn't resist my powerful penetrating stare, could you? Syd : No, I wanted to tell you, you had a huge glob of guacamole on your shirt. Syd : Okay, so, if you're falling in love with me, then why are you with all these other women? Dex : Oh, come on. Am I supposed to remain celibate while I bask in like the warm glow of your annihilating contempt? Dex : You think it's more honest to pretend to listen to a woman when you're just thinking about getting laid. Dave : I think it's more honest than pretending I don't wanna get laid, ya know? Dex : That's the whole point. Don't pretend, man. Just really let go of your desire. Rick : There'll be walking. Dex : [Unimpressed] Yeah? Rick : And climbing. Dex : I know. Rick : Outdoors. Dex : Shut the fuck up. [At night, in their tents] Dex : Good night, Rick! Rick : Good night, Dex. Dex : Good night, Maggie! Maggie : Good night, John Boy. Dex : Goodnight, Syd. Syd : MY GOD DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING!? Rick : This is almost as ridiculous as your sleeping diet. Dex : That time I lost 30 pounds. Rick : You also lost your job. Dex : The Tao of Steve isn't about picking up lots of women. It's about being the best person you can be, and I'm not. Dex : You think all Buddhist monks are like the Dalai Lama? I mean, you don't there are guys in Nepal, right, who are like, "What should I do? Should I carry packs of heavy shit for Westerners up to the top of the base camp on Mt. Everest, or should I stay down here in Katmandu and maybe just chant all day and check out chicks and pretend to be holy?" Dex : Both men and women want to have sex. It's natural, except we're on different timetables. Women want to have sex, like, y'know, fifteen minutes after us, so alright, if you hold out for twenty she'll be chasing you for five. Dex : Y'know, no one ever says, "Hey, God, how was your day? What can I do for you, God?" Or, "Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?" Syd : Oh, and I suppose you talk to God like that? Dex : Always. All the time. Syd : And what does God say? Dex : He says, "You know what? I saw Letterman and it sucked." Dex : You can't just go up to a woman and say, 'Hi! I'm Dave! I like smoking pot, reading the sports page on the john...wanna have sex with me?' Movie Title: Grounded for Life (2001) as Sean: Sean : I see and like, he said, "Oh my God, did you say glis?" And they're all like, "We all heard you say 'glis'" and, uh, I'm like, what the hell happened with my credit card? Sean : [Finding a box belonging to Eddie] Is it illegal? Eddie : Not everywhere. Sean : Will it explode and kill us all? Eddie : I can personally guarantee that it will not. [Sean shakes it] Eddie : That's not smart. Sean : Fine, put me on hold. I love listening to the "Music to Kill Yourself By" collection. Sean : Why are you answering questions with questions? Eddie : Why does that concern you? Sean : [Finding a box belonging to Eddie] What's this? Eddie : It's cool. Sean : "It's cool" doesn't answer my question. "It's cool" doesn't tell me what's in the box. Eddie : Yes it does. It tells you it's cool. Sean : Hello, Rochelle? No, I do not want to give you my account number and I shall tell you why: because I have already keyed it in three times and given it to several different people including a Beth, a José, and someone who was really rude to me named Kevin. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we are SICK of having to call something in and key in the number and then being asked what the number was we keyed in before! Alright? So why don't you get a piece of paper - have you heard of that? And a pen AND WRITE THE DAMN NUMBERS DOWN! Sean : Claude, I've got to hand it to you. You were right. Claudia : Shut up. Sean : [Sarcastically] No, no, no, I'm just glad she had that credit card for when she needed it. Claudia : [Angrily] Shut up! Sean : [Sarcastically] Oh I'm just so happy my little baby is okay. That's all that matters! Claudia : It's now time for you to SHUT UP! Eddie : Maybe I'll stop by tomorrow. Maybe not. Claudia : Tomorrow I'm changing the locks. Sean : Again? Eddie : What name do you want on the card? Sean : I want my name. Eddie : No, it says your name is not available. Claudia : You know how you're getting your license next year? You're not. Lily : But everyone else will and I'll look like a loser. Sean : Oh no, don't worry, you're gonna look cool because everyday I'm going to drive you to school in the Futon-mobile! Sean : Only three more years. Claudia : 'Till she goes off to college? Sean : Nope. 'Till she can be tried as an adult. Henry : It's Santa! He really did come. Sean : [Dressed as Santa] Ho ho ho. [His bag breaks and presents fall to the floor] Sean : Oh crap! Henry : Mom, why did Santa just use a swear word? Young Sean: Dad, can I have an Evel Knieval stunt cycle for Christmas? Walt : No. You are not getting Evel Knieval. You're getting pants and a yo-yo. And you better act surprised! Eddie : [Back to present day] I remember that Christmas. I got a dictionary and a vest. Sean : At least you didn't get beamed with a yo-yo for not acting surprised. Sean : [playing Joseph in Christmas play] Behold! Can the people in the back behold? Can the people in the front please make room for those in the back who have difficulty beholding? Salesman: How can I put you in a pre-owned vehicle today? Claudia : We're looking for something used... Salesman: We have one of the largest selections of pre-owned vehicles in the tri-state area. Sean : So they're used? Salesman: Sir, our selection does not just include the pre-owned, we also have a large number of lease returns. I can assure you the pre-owned and the lease returns are complete certified. Sean : How am I gonna get you to say "used"? Salesman: That's not a word we like here. Sean : Then at least admit they're cars. Salesman: You mean the vehicles? Eddie : Why's the volume so loud? Sean : Oh, Claudia lied to me, so I'm being an ass. Movie Title: The X-Files (1993) as Agent Tom Colton: [At a crime scene] Agent Tom Colton : So, Mulder, whaddaya think? This look like the work of little green men? Fox Mulder : Gray. Agent Tom Colton : What? Fox Mulder : Gray. You said "green men." A Reticulian's skin tone is gray. They're notorious for their extraction of terrestrial human livers, due to iron depletion in the Reticulum galaxy. Agent Tom Colton : You can't be serious. Fox Mulder : Do you know how much liver and onions go for on Reticulum? Movie Title: Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful (1992) as Shane Pencil: Medusa : C'mon, suck my toes in my documentary. Nobody's done that yet! Shane Pencil : No way... Medusa : Come on. I did that crappy movie you made me do, "Tokyo Trauma." You owe me! Medusa : Hey, look, if he's dead then I'm gonna need a NEW boyfriend, right? You can't doodle with a dead noodle. Hah-hah! Shane Pencil : Augh! Medusa : Oh, no. There he goes! Actor man, off on another acting adventure: doo-doo-doo! He'll be back. Oh my God! Is that what Shakespeare looked like? He's a balding geek with a bad perm! I'm not doing this. Movie Title: Little Women (1994) as Mr. Mayer: Mr. Mayer : You should have been a lawyer, Miss March. Movie Title: Runaway Bride (1999) as Priest Brian: Maggie Carpenter : Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was...well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts. Priest Brian : Of an impure nature? Maggie Carpenter : No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that? Movie Title: Reindeer Games (2000) as Pug: Rudy Duncan : You're sending me into an Indian casino dressed as a COWBOY, thought this through entirely? Pug : It was either that or a ballerina. Movie Title: Comic Book Villains (2002) as Raymond: [The cops arrive] Raymond : My ride's here. Raymond : Either you're trying to patronize me, fuck with me, or get yourself killed. And, by the way, you're doing a pretty good job. Raymond : What are you smiling at? Carter : Nothing, it's just I thought I was dealing with fools. Raymond : But now you see differently. Carter : No, I don't. |
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