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 Joe Mantegna Quotation"Nothing interferes with my doing The Simpsons!" (referring to his voice role as mob boss Fat Tony) Movie Title: Albino Alligator (1996) as Agent Browning: [In a TV interview] Jenny Ferguson : Agent Browning, can you shed some light on what's been happening here? Agent Browning : Well, it looks like some goddamn stupid motherfucker has decided to take some poor innocent fucks hostage. Now we've been out here all fucking night trying to deal with this goddamn situation, but there hasn't been a fucking break yet. But we're sure as shit hopeful that everyone will be safe, and that we bring this motherfucker, or motherfuckers, as the case may be, to fucking justice. How's that? Movie Title: Eye for an Eye (1996) as Sergeant DeNello: Sergeant DeNello : Poor man's truth serum: caffeine and sugar. Movie Title: Spenser: Small Vices (1999) as Spenser: Spenser : I need some information from Pemberton College. My name is anathema there, so we need to use a little trick. Lila : What kind of name is Anathema? College secretary: What did you say your name was? Spenser : Anathema. Pervis Anathema, Refund Enactment agent. Hawk : You're the detective. I'm just a thug. Spenser : You're too modest. Hawk : Didn't mean to say I wasn't a great thug. Hawk : Let me see if I got this right: Ellis borrows or steals a car one night, an inconspicuous old pink Caddy. He drives out to Pemberton - in this inconspicuous pink Caddy - where there ain't no black folks, and the cops pay attention to any that they see. Not only that, but he cruises around in this inconspicuous pink car until he spots a white woman on a busy street. He drags this white woman into his car in front of witnesses, drives her somewhere, takes her clothes off, strangles her - though he doesn't rape her - dumps her body in the middle of the Pemberton campus and rides on back home with her clothes in his new inconspicuous pink car, coming from an all-white neighborhood just in case the cops want to stop him. And one of the eyewitnesses went to school with the victim, and the other went to school with the victim's boyfriend. Spenser : Your point? Hawk : Exactly! Dean Evans : You are a private detective? Spenser : Yes, ma'am. Dean Evans : How does one get to be a private detective? Spenser : I hesitate to generalize. I was a cop, found myself restless with the hierarchy, decided to go private. I was helped to that decision by getting fired. Dean Evans : You speak rather well. Spenser : You too. Dean Evans : [smiling] Good for you. I was rather patronizing, wasn't I? [Spenser eyes Rita Fiore's legs as she walks into his office] Spenser : Rita Fiore. Still got the wheels. Rita Fiore : Yeah, and I'm still spinning them. Rita Fiore : Oh, yeah. Professionally, I'm a big damn success, but am I married? Spenser : Gee, wish I could help. Rita Fiore : You still seeing Susan, the psychiatrist? Spenser : Psychologist. Rita Fiore : Whatever. Rita Fiore : So who shows up here last spring at my firm? My old adversary, Marcy Vance. And as soon as we're reintroduced, she starts in on me about Ellis Alves. He was framed. She was too green to conduct a proper defense. He was the victim of racial discrimination. Spenser : If she's right, somebody else did it. And got away with it. Rita Fiore : Uh-huh. Spenser : So there's more to this than flashing your legs at me to remind me of what I missed. Rita Fiore : Well, that's the primary purpose. Spenser : And if I find out he didn't do it? Rita Fiore : No, let's be clear on this. The firm's not hiring you to clear this guy. The firm is hiring you to establish the truth. Spenser : And you a lawyer. Rita Fiore : [smiling] I know, I'm not comfortable with it, either. But there it is. Spenser : My name's Spenser. Been hired to find out if you did what you're in jail for. Ellis Alves : Sure. And who is this? This your butler? Hawk : We know you bad, Ellis. Don't have to keep showing us. Ellis Alves : What's your name, man? Huh? Tom, maybe? Hawk : My name is Hawk. [Alves looks him in surprise] Ellis Alves : I heard 'a you. Hawk : Mm-hmm. Ellis Alves : [pointing to Spenser] You, ah, you trust him? Hawk : Mm-hmm. Ellis Alves : Well, you ain't got a prayer, bro. They going to land on you like a truckload of sludge. Bury you, like me. Spenser : Probably not. Spenser : What I need is a list of the students who at the time of the murder were in the dorm overlooking where the body was found. Dean Evans : Do you have some sort of, I don't know the proper terminology, some sort of legal empowerment that requires me to give it to you? Spenser : No, ma'am. Dean Evans : Oh, then I will not. Spenser : You academics are so evasive. Dean Evans : My memory is that the man that was convicted of this crime was a career criminal who preyed on women. Spenser : So no harm in putting him away, even if he didn't do this one. Captain Healy : Whaddya need today, Spenser? Spenser : Maybe I just dropped by to say hi, Captain. Captain Healy : Okay, hi. Spenser : Maybe to ask what you know about that murder in Pemberton about eighteen months ago. Captain Healy : Maybe that too, huh? Detective Tommy Miller : Captain Healy says I should talk with you. Spenser : Healy tell you why? Detective Tommy Miller : Something about that nigger that did the broad in Pemberton. You're trying to get him off. Spenser : Nicely put. Spenser : Lila. Lila! Time to pay me back for letting you leer at me through the office door. Lila : You see me leering, you'll know it. Rugar, the Grey Man : I heard you were a tough guy. They sent a local guy. You took him like he was a head of cabbage. Spenser : Actually, it was three cabbages. Rugar, the Grey Man : Well, don't let it go to your head. I'm not a local guy. Rugar, the Grey Man : I have something to tell you. Spenser : I thought you might. Rugar, the Grey Man : Drop the Ellis Alves case. [looks at Susan Silverman] Rugar, the Grey Man : You both been told. Movie Title: Searching for Bobby Fischer (1993) as Fred: Bruce : You have no idea what I want. What is chess, do you think? Those who play for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it's a science. It's neither. Bobby Fischer got underneath it like no one before and found at its center, art. I spent my life trying to play like him. Most of these guys have. But we're like forgers. We're competent fakes. His successor wasn't here tonight. He wasn't here. He is asleep in his room in your house. Your son creates like Fischer. He sees like him, inside. Fred : You can tell this by watching him play some drunks in the park? Bruce : Yes. You want to know what I want. I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Bobby Fischer took with him when he disappeared. Fred : He's better at this than I've ever been at anything in my life. He's better at this than you'll ever be, at anything. My son has a gift. He has a gift, and when you acknowledge that, then maybe we will have something to talk about. Bonnie : He's not afraid of losing. He's afraid of losing your love. How many ball players grow up afraid of losing their fathers' love every time they come up to the plate? Fred : All of them! Bonnie : He knows you disapprove of him. He knows you think he's weak. But he's not weak. He's decent. And if you or Bruce or anyone else tries to beat that out of him, I swear to God I'll take him away. Fred : You know you could give up the game, and that would be alright with me. In fact, I want you to give it up. Josh : But I can't. Fred : Why not? Josh : Because I have to play. *I* have to. Josh : Can we get some brochures now? Fred : Sure, pee and get your coat. Josh : Can we go to the dealerships now? Fred : But the game's not over, yet. Josh : Yes, it is. Movie Title: ¡Three Amigos! (1986) as Mr. Flugelman: Mr. Flugelman : Do you know what "nada" means? Dusty Bottoms : Isn't that a light chicken gravy? Movie Title: Homicide (1991) as Bobby Gold: Bobby Gold : You sorry fucking sack of shit. You shot my partner. Randolph : Yeah, man, and you could have paid me back if you would have brought your gun. That was your mistake, man. Movie Title: Queens Logic (1991) as Al: Grace : You're a little tense, don't you think? Al : Who wouldn't be tense? This music could make Will Rogers punch a nun. Al : Come on, what do I gotta do? Patricia : You could crawl through broken glass on your hands and knees with a sign on your back that says "asshole." That might get you in the door. Movie Title: Celebrity (1998) as Tony Gardella: [Sighting celebrities at a screening] Tony Gardella : Oh, and getting out of the elevator I see there's a famous critic. Robin Simon: Him, I recognize. Tony Gardella : Oh, he used to hate every movie. Then, he married a young, big-bosomed woman, and now he loves every movie. [talking about Papadakis] Tony Gardella : He's terribly pretentious. He is one of those assholes who film in black and white. Movie Title: Walking Shadow (2001) as Spenser: Spenser : Because you're on the board of the Port City Theater, and because the director thinks he's being stalked, I have to endure two hours of lousy drama? Susan Silverman : No. Because Jimmy Christopholous is a friend, because you are my honey, because sleuthing is your business, and because you will enjoy the ultimate theater party for two this evening. Susan Silverman : Do you know how much this means to me? Spenser : [pause] : Damn! Susan Silverman : I'll double your usual fee. Spenser : Remind me, what is my usual fee? Susan Silverman : Two nights of ecstasy. Spenser : So double would be four. Payable in thirty days? Susan Silverman : I'll halve the time. Four nights of ecstasy in two weeks. Deal? Spenser : Deal. Susan Silverman : Sucker. Spenser : What, am I charging enough? Susan Silverman : You're charging enough... but you'd've gotten it anyway. Spenser : I know. Spenser : Hey, I'm willing to tell you all I know. Chief DeSpain : You haven't told me squat. Spenser : True, but it's all I know. Jocelyn Colby : [meeting Spenser] Way to go, Susan! Hunk city! [She leaves.] Spenser : You think she has designs on me sexually? Susan Silverman : Almost certainly. Spenser : Because I'm hunk city? Susan Silverman : Because you're male. Spenser : This may not be a routine murder. Most murders don't happen in a crowded theater. Spenser : So the killing might be connected to the play, so I need someone to... tell me what the play was about. Lou Montana : Ahem. Lou Montana. I directed. And, uh, your question is absurd. Spenser : No; an actor getting shot on stage wearing tights while singing "Land of Love" is absurd. Lou Montana : Ah. And what was your response to the play? Spenser : I found it a pretentious mishmash about appearance and reality. Lou Montana : Well, art isn't "about" [makes air quotes] Lou Montana : anything. It *is* movement and speech in space and time. Spenser : Thank you! Lou Montana : I didn't expect you'd understand. Spenser : Me either. Spenser : Could you arrange for me to have lunch with her? Susan Silverman : I'm not sure she'd be willing to meet with you. Spenser : Mention to her about me being hunk city! Susan Silverman : That ought to do it. Spenser : [narrating] Rikki Wu was sex. She was spoiled, self-centered, shallow, maybe cruel, certainly careless about other people. But she was sex. Lonnie Wu : It is unseemly for her to be having lunch with a lo fan. Spenser : Is "lo fan" a term of racial endearment? Lonnie Wu : It means "barbarian". Someone who is not Chinese. Spenser : So you don't fully subscribe to the melting-pot theory? Lonnie Wu : I'm not here to make small talk. It would be best if you stayed out of Port City. Spenser : Is it okay if I retain my U.S. citizenship? Lonnie Wu : What you choose to do outside of Port City is your business. But if you choose to come back, we will make it our business, and I will not be able to protect you. Spenser : Protect me from whom? Lonnie Wu : From me. Movie Title: Alice (1990) as Joe: [explaining to Alice why he wants to have an affair with her] Joe : There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic. Movie Title: Up Close & Personal (1996) as Bucky Terranova: Bucky Terranova : Your voice is full of money. Movie Title: Forget Paris (1995) as Andy: Andy : Marriages don't work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. They only work when both are miserable. Movie Title: Baby's Day Out (1994) as Eddie: Eddie : If you want to be a shoplifter, go to J.C. Penney. [Eddie's pants were on fire, and Veeko stomped on the fire to put it out] Veeko : That's how you put out campfires. Eddie : Is that... a fact? Veeko : Used to do it in boy scouts. Eddie : You toasted your marshmallows... over a pile of flaming GONADS? Veeko : We usually used logs. Norby : [singing] Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb her HAIR was white as snow! And every which way that Mary went, the lamb was right behind her. It followed her to work one day, work one day, work one day. It followed her to work one daaaaaaayyy, and Mary lost her job! And then she went to unemployment... Eddie : Knock off the singin' and read him his story book. If you can. Norby : What's the name of the fairy tale with the egg on the wall? Veeko : That was Nat King Cole. Eddie : No, Nat King Cole stuck his finger in the pie and yanked out the bird. Eddie : [after accidently letting some mixture being poured on him] THAT'S IT! NO MERCY! [tries to walk through the slippery puddle of mixture] Eddie : This ain't no nursury school battle of wits anymore. This is my '5'"10" of guile, gut, and gristle, versus you 2 1/2 feet of goo-goos,gaa-gaas, and giggles. [slips on the floor, but climbs up again] Eddie : If the Milwaukee Mob couldn't kill me, no milk-puking little thumb-sucker's got a candle's chance on a cyclone of getting the better of me! Movie Title: Body of Evidence (1993) as Garrett: Garrett : She is a beautiful woman. But when this trial is over, you will see her no differently than a gun, or a knife, or any other instrument used as a weapon. She's a killer, and the worst kind. A killer who disguised herself as a loving partner! Garrett : Dr. McCurdy. What would cocaine do to someone in Mr. Marsh's condition? McCurdy : It would accelerate his heartbeat. Garrett : And if he were having sex while under the influence of such a stimulant? McCurdy : It would be the same as shooting a loaded gun at him! Movie Title: House of Games (1987) as Mike: Mike : I'm from the United States of kiss-my-ass. Mike : Oh, you're a bad pony. And I'm not gonna bet on you. Mike : What I'm talking about comes down to a more basic philosophial principle: Don't trust nobody. Mike : You can't bluff someone who's not paying attention. Movie Title: Joan of Arcadia (2003) as Will: Joan : Oh is that the three-year-old kid who got kidnapped? Will : Missing. Joan : Ok, Got Missing. I read it in the Newspaper. It said you guys have no leads and its been like six weeks. Will : Four Days, We have leads, and when did you start reading the paper? Will : [looking at an art piece] It's a triangle attacking a circle? Well, maybe the circle's rude. Helen: There'd be a list of 'bad girls' circulating around the school! Will : We'd never have let that out. Helen: The CIA couldn't keep a list like that from getting out in a high school! Movie Title: State of Emergency (1994) as Dr. John Novelli: Dehlia Johnson : What was that all about? Dr. John Novelli : (lying) Nothing. Dehlia Johnson : Uh-huh. That was a whole lot of nothing. Dr. John Novelli : Sometimes I hate them. Just because they're here. Movie Title: Robert B. Parker's Thin Air (2000) as Spenser / Chollo: Spenser : How come it takes you so long to pick a doughnut? Chollo : No two doughnuts are exactly alike. You had Indio blood, you'd understand. Movie Title: The Simpsons (1989) as Fat Tony: Homer : But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson. Fat Tony : The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Homer : Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble. Les: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister? Homer : Uh, actually my real name is uh, think Krusty, think, Joe Valachi. Louie : The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime? Homer : Benedict Arnold. Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? Homer : D'oh! [gunshot, Flanders is knocked down] Ned Flanders : Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my... [second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again] Ned Flanders : Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. Uh, I'm going home now. [as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe] Homer : What keeps doing that? Fat Tony : I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Fat Tony : What's a murder? Fat Tony : Greetings, Homer. Homer : Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia? Fat Tony : Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our... how shall I put this... mafia crime syndicate. Homer : Oh yeah, that's right? Fat Tony : Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do US a favor. Homer : Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony. I say good day to you, sir. Fat Tony : [Ashamed] Okay... I'll go now. [He leaves the building] Fat Tony : Hey... wait a minute. Louie : It's him all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style? Fat Tony : Listen to your heart. [after Louie empties a rifle at Homer, but misses] Fat Tony : We need more ammo, let's go to Big Five. [watching his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon] Fat Tony : It's funny because it's true. Bart : Uh, say, are you guys crooks? Fat Tony : Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? Bart : No. Fat Tony : Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them? Bart : Uh uh. Fat Tony : And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes? Bart : I guess that's okay. Fat Tony : Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart? Bart : Hell, no. Fat Tony : Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings. Bart : Get bent. Fat Tony : I deserved that. Movie Title: Airheads (1994) as Ian: Ian : The Lone Rangers? How can you pluralize "Lone Ranger"? Milo : You're gonna scream "Rock and Roll"? You're gonna go to jail for that? Ian : There's a saying Milo: If it's too loud, you're too old. Ian : So, who are you guys? Pip : My name's Pip. Ian : The band. The band name. Pip : Sorry. Ian : The Lone Rangers? There are three of you- you aren't exactly alone. Shouldn't you be the THREE Rangers? Chazz : Okay, lemme ask you a question: who's side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split? Chris Moore : What? Marcus : What kind of question is that? Chazz : Who's side did you take: Halen or Roth? Chris Moore : ...Van Halen Ian : HE'S A COP! |
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