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 Mackenzie Crook QuotationMovie Title: The Office (2001) as Gareth / Gareth Keenan: Gareth Keenan : In this room I have special... Tim : ...needs? Gareth Keenan : No, I am a special... Tim : ...needs child? Gareth Keenan : No. And that's not even funny. Gareth Keenan : I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse. [David, Gareth and Tim are discussing catchphrases] Gareth Keenan : What ones are yours that I use? David Brent : Same shit, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me. Tim Canterbury : Wank you very much. David Brent : Yeah, I invented that. [Discussing Donna's relationship with Ricky] Gareth Keenan : It's not as if she's your daughter or anything though... David Brent : No but that's not the point. It's the principle, it was about respect. Gareth Keenan : Showing a bit of respect... David Brent : And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws, so... Gareth Keenan : Showing respect by obeying the law. She's legal, though. David Brent : What? Gareth Keenan : When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking. When girls are sixteen they're ready for... David Brent : "Gareth." Gareth Keenan : I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times. [Arguing over the quiz result and request for a rematch] Chris Finch : Right, I will throw anything you choose over this building. If I do it, we win the quiz. Right? David Brent : Yeah, so you choose anything. If he can throw it over, we've won the champagne. And that's it. And that's the real quiz. Choose one thing. Ricky : You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you? Gareth Keenan : Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you ever done? [Brent believes anything with the Queen's image should be currency] David Brent : In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency. Tim Canterbury : Yeah, that'd happen. Gareth Keenan : Well, if he doesn't, report him. Tim Canterbury : Yeah, I'll report him while I'm walking home. Gareth Keenan : Get a taxi, if you've got enough stamps. Dawn Tinsley : Or cash 'em in at the Post Office. David Brent : Shouldn't have to. Shouldn't have to. [Dawn and Tim are getting a laugh out of pretending Gareth is gay] Tim Canterbury : We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow? Gareth Keenan : If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me. Tim Canterbury : What if he was coming, really hard? Gareth Keenan : Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah. Dawn Tinsley : And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind? Gareth Keenan : Either ways easy. Dawn Tinsley : So you could take a man from behind? Gareth Keenan : Yeah. Dawn Tinsley : Lovely. [Donna & Ricky's relationship has been exposed] Donna : So now you know. David Brent : Yep. Brilliant. Donna : What? You got a problem with Ricky? David Brent : No, no, sleep with everyone in the office. He's not even a permanent member of staff. I'd have preferred it if you'd slept with Gareth. Donna : It wouldn't happen. David Brent : Oh Why? 'Cos he didn't go to university? Donna : No, 'Cos he's a little weasel-faced arse. David Brent : Yeah, you could do worse then Gareth. He hasn't missed one day in this office due to ill health. And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel, please? Donna : A weasel-faced arse. David Brent : Same thing. Donna : Well no it's not. Gareth would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel? Gareth Keenan : A weasel probably. [Tim snatches Gareth's stapler and holds it out the window] Tim Canterbury : You stay where you are okay? I'm gonna let go, right, unless you stop acting like a fool. Gareth Keenan : Well, you won't, so... Tim Canterbury : Well, I have, so... [Time drops the Stapler out the window] Gareth Keenan : What if that kills someone? Tim Canterbury : Kills somebody? Umm, well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it. Gareth Keenan : Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon? Tim Canterbury : To stop people borrowing it? Gareth Keenan : David. Tim Canterbury : I hate the fact that you bring me down to this; really I do, I resent it. [Tim builds a wall of boxes between his and Gareth's desk] Tim Canterbury : I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But he's a bit... Gareth Keenan : What are you doing? Tim Canterbury : I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth. Gareth Keenan : You can't do that. Tim Canterbury : Why not? Gareth Keenan : Health and Safety. Tim Canterbury : Health and Safety. Erm, why? Crushed by Cardboard, or what? Gareth Keenan : No, number one: blocking out light. Number two: misuse of company files. Tim Canterbury : Misuse of files? Yeah, see this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. If I have to work with him another day, right, I'm just going to, I will... I will slit my throat. [Mimes a throat slitting action] Gareth Keenan : Yeah, you won't do it like that, though. You'd get the knife in behind the windpipe, then pull it down like that. Gareth Keenan : You're so immature. Tim Canterbury : [Making a phone call] Oh Gareth, If there is one thing that I am not, it is immature. Gareth Keenan : You are an immature little tosser. [Gareth's Mobile rings he answers it] Gareth Keenan : Gareth Keenan. Tim Canterbury : [Childishly into his phone] Cock. [Gareth slams his mobile down] [Tim as a joke has put Gareth's stapler in a jelly] Gareth Keenan : Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time. David Brent : Why has he done that? Gareth Keenan : I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves. David Brent : Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced. You should know about that... What is in there? Gareth Keenan : It's my stapler. [Gareth plunges his hand in to fish out the stapler] David Brent : Well, don't do that... eat it out. There's people starving in the world, which I hate... and it's a waste so... How do you know it's yours? Gareth Keenan : It's got my name on it in Tipp-Ex. David Brent : Okay, don't eat it now then... chemicals. Rowan : Gareth, quick test exercise, ultimate fantasy? Gareth Keenan : Hmm? David Brent : We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it. Gareth Keenan : Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching. Rowan : Oh, um, Tim? Do you have one? Tim Canterbury : I'd never thought I'd have to say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please? Gareth Keenan : Alright then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now? Tim Canterbury : You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro? Gareth Keenan : No. Tim Canterbury : You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes? Gareth Keenan : No and no you can't. Tim Canterbury : What are you thinking Gareth? Gareth Keenan : "I was thinking will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark? David Brent : We have access to the internet. But it isn't censored, is that a good or a bad thing? Gareth Keenan : Bad. David Brent : Well, that's not for us to say. But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish'. It takes a little while. There. two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches. Just click on one, at random. Aaaagh, there. 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs'. Now, you don't punish anyone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs. Gareth Keenan : If anything, they should be rewarded. David Brent : They should be EQUAL. Gareth Keenan : Women are equal. David Brent : I've always said that, so... [after David Brent's horrifying Comic Relief dance] Gareth Keenan : We don't have to give a donation for that, do we? [Trying to find out who did a dirty picture of David Brent] Gareth : Do you know who done the picture? Keith : Yeah... no, I mean no. Gareth : Right. Your first answer was 'yeah', wasn't it? Keith : I meant no. Gareth : Well, why did you get...? Keith : Uhh... I don't know. Gareth : Am I making you nervous? Keith : No. I mean, yeah. Gareth : Hmmm. That's interesting. [Gareth's phone rings. He puts it on Speaker] Gareth Keenan : Gareth Keenan. Hello. Ange: Hi baby. It's Ange. [Tim, Dawn and Rachel all look up, alarmed to hear a woman's voice] Gareth Keenan : [embarrassed] Alright. Ange: Are you coming round tonight? Gareth Keenan : I can't I'm going up Chasers with the lads. Ange: Oh come round first. We'll have a bit of time together. Gareth Keenan : Alright. Ange: Have some fun. Gareth Keenan : Yep. Okay. Ange: Are you going to bring the toys again? [Gareth embarrased, hurriedly picks the phone up] Gareth Keenan : Erm, Yeah... okay... yeah... look forward to... doing it to you too. Alright, bye. [Gareth puts the phone down. There is a stunned silence] Tim Canterbury : The Toys? Gareth Keenan : Shut up. Tim Canterbury : What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? It's not Boggle is it? Gareth Keenan : Shut up. Tim Canterbury : If it's Kerplunk I'm coming round. Gareth Keenan : It was a private phone call, so... Tim Canterbury : Well, don't put it on speakerphone then Gareth. [turns round to talk to Rachel] Tim Canterbury : Yeah the Jolly Farmer sounds good... [turns back to Gareth] Tim Canterbury : Is it Hungry Hippos? David Brent : Today I'm doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that 'cos they think they're walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they're wrong, it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong. It's very much an opportunity... Gareth Keenan : -to separate the wheat from the chaff David Brent : Well, no, that sounds bad. It's not a witch-hunt, we're not trying to find out who the worst people are Gareth Keenan : Well, we know who they are already David Brent : Well, no Gareth Keenan : I've written them down on my form David Brent : You shouldn't have written them on your form Gareth Keenan : I've underlined the worst ones David Brent : You're missing the point [looks at Gareth's form] David Brent : Yep. Gareth Keenan : I'm just saying there should be tests Tim Canterbury : We're all ears Gareth Gareth Keenan : Well I don't know, when they go down the DSS to make a claim then they should set off a fire alarm fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them there. If they're fake they'll be up and running with them, if they're real they'll be left there screaming for help. Gareth Keenan : In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers. Gareth Keenan : People look at me, they say he's tough, he was in the army he's gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn't Schindler's list a brilliant film? Gareth Keenan : We go there every Wednesday night, and it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he's got knobrot off some tart' Gareth Keenan : I'm not worried for me, I'll be alright, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that's just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn't survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here? [Rachel sits on Tim's desk] Gareth : Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are for sitting on. Rachel : I think he's a bit jealous he's not getting the view you're getting. Gareth Keenan : Wrong: I've got the arse this side so I'd only wanna be sitting where he's sitting if you were wearing a skirt so I could look up... at it. [Gareth has just caught Tim and Rachel kissing] Gareth Keenan : How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? I can't believe you'd get off with a girl that I fancy. Tim Canterbury : Why can't you believe that, Gareth? Gareth Keenan : Well, I can't believe there's a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What are you... he's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. And his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you, and yet in my head I'd still do you, so I'm confused... alright, I'll ask you straight: is there anything that could happen between us while this is going on? Rachel : Like what? Gareth Keenan : What, specifically? Hand job? Look, don't answer now. Think about it. David Brent : Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys... Gareth Keenan : Hands off. David Brent : Yeah. Gareth Keenan : Out of bounds. David Brent : Yeah. Gareth Keenan : Look but don't touch. David Brent : (Annoyed) What d'you mean by 'look'. Gareth Keenan : Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas. David Brent : Yeah. Good. Gareth Keenan : Yeah. [Pause] Gareth Keenan : What if she's up for it? Gareth Keenan : Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like shitting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. Gareth Keenan : I'm not homophobic, alright? Come around, look at my C.D collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers. [There is a possibility that the Slough offices will be downsized with redundancies] Gareth Keenan : You're all smug now. You're moving away. But think of me, the shoe could be on the other foot. Tim Canterbury : You're going to be alright, aren't you? Gareth Keenan : Yeah, I work hard, I earn my keep. But unfortunately, the history books are full of just people who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others. Tim Canterbury : That's the most profound thing you've ever said, mate. Gareth Keenan : And you do all that, only for foreigners of women or the disableds to take advantage of it. Tim Canterbury : Yeah. Could I withdraw my last comment? Gareth Keenan : If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks, though, 'cos you won't. My speciality. Rachel : Yeah, it's a game of chance though, isn't it? It's what you... Gareth Keenan : No, it's not. I would know what cards you've got immediately just through what cards I've got. I used to play it by myself, with a dummy hand just testing out every different scenario of which cards would beat which other cards for hours, sometimes three or four at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious. So I'd know exactly what card you've got in your hand from what cards I've got and I would know, probability wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat, statistically, any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win. [Pause] Gareth Keenan : Could still be fun, though. Simon the Computer Guy: You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, inflitrating drugs gangs and the Triads. Gareth Keenan : Yeah, I reckon that's true. Tim Canterbury : Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star. [on Comic Relief Day] David Brent : I've got the Slough Gazette coming to take a photo. Gareth Keenan : What time are they coming down? David Brent : About five-ish, so... Gareth Keenan : They'll love us, won't they? David Brent : No, I think it's just me, I've got something planned. Gareth Keenan : But we can all be in it, though? David Brent : No, not really, I called them, so... Gareth Keenan : But they'll love us, all being stupid. David Brent : Stop trying to worm your way into someone else's photo! Movie Title: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) as Ragetti: Will Turner : My name is Will Turner, my father was Bootstrap Bill Turner. His blood runs in my veins. Ragetti : Why, it's the spittin' image of our Bootstrap Bill, come back to haunt us. Will Turner : On my word, do as I say, or I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones's locker. [Elizabeth in rowing boat heading toward shore] Elizabeth : Bloody Pirates. [back aboard the Dauntless, Ragetti sees the Pearl sailing away] Ragetti : Is it supposed to be doing that? Pintel : They're stealing our ship. Ragetti : Bloody Pirates! Ragetti : This is just like what the Greeks done at Troy. 'Cept they was in a horse instead o' dresses. Wooden 'orse. Pintel : It was only after that we found out that it was Bootstrap's blood we needed to lift the curse. Ragetti : I guess that's what you call ironic. [Pintel and Ragetti are causing a distraction by wearing women's clothing while the pirates plan an attack] Ragetti : Yoo-hoo! Pintel : Stop it! I already feel like a fool! Ragetti : Look nice, though. Pintel : [Chuckles, then stops and becomes angry] I "LOOK NICE"? |
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