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 Beatrice Arthur Quotation"All this time I've just wanted to be blonde, beautiful and 5 feet 2 inches tall." "I really feel all my adult life has been spent in that little, black box. If a wonderful part on TV came along, I would do it. But I don't want to do a recurring role. It would just be my luck that the thing would be successful. I'm old enough now and also secure enough financially that I really only want to do what I want to do." Movie Title: Mame (1974) as Vera / Vera Charles: Vera Charles : I'm thrilled by the style and wit of each jest that you make. It's bracing to me. Trade quips with my bosom buddy. You Woolcott, you Benchley, you snake. Vera Charles : Oh my God. Somebody's been sleeping in my dress. Vera : I have an astronomical discovery for you. The man in the moon is a bitch. Movie Title: Lovers and Other Strangers (1970) as Bea: Bea : I can understand her wanting to leave. But I can't understand her leaving. Movie Title: History of the World: Part I (1981) as Dole Office Clerk: Dole Office Clerk : Occupation? Comicus : Stand up philosopher. Dole Office Clerk : What? Comicus : Stand up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension. Dole Office Clerk : Oh, a BULLSHIT artist! Dole Office Clerk : [to a gladiator] Now listen this is your last week of unemployment insurance, either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status. Dole Office Clerk : I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break. Movie Title: Maude (1972) as Maude Findlay: Maude Findlay : When he says wife, he means possession. Walter Findlay : So what, Maude? You told me a hundred times you want to be possessed. Maude Findlay : Walter Findlay, I never said that standing up and you know it. [During Florida's interview for the maid job] Florida Evans : Now, the first week'll be on a trial basis. Maude Findlay : Oh, Florida, don't be ridiculous, you're not on trial. Florida Evans : I know - you are. Maude Findlay : Florida, if we wanted Geraldine we'd get Flip Wilson. Dr. Arthur Harmon : No offense Maudie, but I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole. Maude Findlay : No offense Arthur, but that's the only way you'd EVER touch me. Dr. Arthur Harmon : [Looking at Maude's black eye] If the "Our Gang" comedies ever come back, you could be the dog. Maude Findlay : And if Mister Ed ever comes back, there'd be a part for you. I'm not talking about the part that talks. Maude Findlay : Walter, if you lay one hand on that kid then all your friends will be dressed in black and driving with their lights on. Maude Findlay : Walter, if you don't want my daughter and my only grandchild living here with us just tell me. Walter Findlay : And...? Maude Findlay : And I'll rip your heart out. Maude Findlay : Francie, this is Florida. My dear, dear friend, probably the best friend I have in the whole world. Florida Evans : I'm the maid. Maude Findlay : Well, well, well, you two are having a real old fashion bull session? Florida Evans : Yeah, alotta bull but not much session. Maude Findlay : [about stuffed dog] How do you like our little puppy? It's been in the family for years. Francie Potter : Then you should take the price tag off. Maude Findlay : Let me guess, you're... Francie Potter : Little Black Riding Hood. Walter Findlay : People communicate only when they are being themselves. One does not get through to someone by being something other than what one is. Maude Findlay : That's a lovely speech, Walter, very lovely. Remind me when we have time, to record it on tape so I can accidentally erase it. Maude Findlay : [repeated line] God'll getcha for that. Walter Findlay : I finally got him to stop. Maude Findlay : Gently, I hope. Walter Findlay : Of course. I told him to shut the hell up. Salesman: I'm hoping to get excepted in one of the big eastern universities. Maude Findlay : Well before you think about college, you should learn to read. That sign says 'No Solicitors'. Maude Findlay : [Drunk] You really want to know? "Who is Mrs. Dubonay?" You ask? Well I have a better question, Arthur Harmon, who is you? Who is any of us? [After Walter has a heart attack, he pretends that he is feeble so Maude will feel sorry for him. He attempts to do some knitting] Vivian Harmon : Arthur, what about S-E-X?" Maude Findlay : SEX? Vivian, he can hardly K-N-I-T. Maude Findlay : Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dubonay is a visitor from a far-off land. She is a proud native of a newly emerging black nation. Florida Evans : Yeah, Harlem. Maude Findlay : I want you to consider this your home. Florida Evans : I got a home. Maude Findlay : You can say that again. Maude Findlay : I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. Don't look at me, I heard it on The Dean Martin Show. Maude Findlay : If you don't get back at all, we'll understand. Dr. Arthur Harmon : I know that, Maudie, that's why i'm coming back if it kills me. Maude Findlay : On those terms, I'll accept. Maude Findlay : And here is the Piece De Resistance: a poster of Isaac Hayes. They say that John Denver is very big now too, but unfortunately he's white. Florida Evans : Oh, poor devil. Maude Findlay : Francie, I hope you're hungry. We're having fried chicken for dinner. Francie Potter : Good, I win a buck. Maude Findlay : You win a buck? Francie Potter : I bet that dumb brother of mine that you'd have fried chicken for me the first thing off. Maude Findlay : Ha ha ha. I love a person with a sense of humor. Excuse me. Carol, for Heaven's sake, go into the kitchen and throw out the grits. Dr. Arthur Harmon : [Vivian gives a deceased woman back a brooch Arthur took from her] How could Vivian do such a thing? Maude Findlay : Don't worry, Arthur. Hatti will give it back to Agnes. She's bound to run into her down there. Walter Findlay : Maude, did you wreck the car again? Maude Findlay : Did you hear that, everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not "Maude, are you sick?" Or "Maude, are you unhappy?" Or even, "Maude, are you pregnant?" No, "Maude, did you wreck the car again?" Walter Findlay : You're right, darling. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. So tell me, are you sick? Maude Findlay : No. Walter Findlay : Are you unhappy? Maude Findlay : No. Walter Findlay : Are you pregnant? Maude Findlay : Yes. Maude Findlay : As far as I'm concerned, you can freeze your butt off till it turns blue. Vivian: I've never actually seen a body that wasn't alive before. Maude Findlay : Vivian, what are you talking about? You've been married to Arthur for three years. Arthur Harmon: Where is Hattie being laid out? Maude Findlay : MacDonald's. Arthur Harmon: MacDonald's? Maude Findlay : Arthur, it's a funeral home on Main Street. Next to the Burger King. Arthur Harmon: I'll meet you all there later. I think it's nice that Hattie is at MacDonald's. She deserves a break today. Maude Findlay : [At a funeral] I am not having a good time here. Maude Findlay : [referring to Carol's ample bosom] To think I bought you your first training bra. Look how you've broken training. Maude Findlay : [Maude catches Walter with another woman] Walter, you son of a bitch. Movie Title: The Golden Palace (1992) as Dorothy: Dorothy : This tub must way at least 10 pounds. Sophia : That's what the doctor said when he delivered you. Movie Title: The Golden Girls (1985) as Dorothy: Sophia : I need the money for my old age. Dorothy : Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore. Dorothy : Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind. Blanche : Tell that to my thighs. Dorothy : What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT? Rose : Yes. Dorothy : Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties? Sophia : I'm not leaving now. It's just getting good. Dorothy : Shady Pines, Ma. Sophia : I'm right behind you. Dorothy : Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant? Blanche : I just did a home pregnancy test- it's right here. Rose : It looks like a perfume sample. Dorothy : Put it behind your ears, Rose. Blanche : You know what the worst part about getting older is? Dorothy : Your face, Rose's hands? Dorothy : The Great Herring War? Rose : Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens. Dorothy : Oh, THAT Great Herring War. Blanche : No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets. Dorothy : Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story. Blanche : But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise. A Genuine Elvis artifact. Rose : It's a partially eaten pork chop. Dorothy : This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop. (laughs) Blanche : Dorothy, you're outta the club. Dorothy : You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying. Blanche : I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons. Dorothy : Blanche. Blanche : Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 3 sons, I've never had a Mercedes. Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma. Dorothy : So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. Alright, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. OK, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche. Dorothy : Hi, ma. Where are you going? Sophia : To the boardwalk. I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water. Sophia : Jean is a lesbian. Blanche : What's so bad about that? Sophia : You're not surprised? Blanche : Well I haven't known any personally but ain't Danny Thomas one? Dorothy : Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian. Blanche : I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss. Dorothy : Ah, you're first kiss was in the rain? Blanche : No it was in the shower. Blanche : What do you think of my new dress? Is it me? Sophia : It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age. Dorothy : Yes, Blanche. It's you. [Sophia enters kitchen] Dorothy : You couldn't sleep either, huh? Sophia : No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink. Dorothy : The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be? Rose : I kept a chicken in my home. Dorothy : Do you see my point? Blanche : I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo. Dorothy : That's pretty jumpy. Rose : Can I ask a dumb question? Dorothy : Like no one else. Blanche : This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am. Dorothy : In what, Blanche, dog years? Rose : Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now... Dorothy : That's always a safe bet, Rose. Rose : ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations. Blanche : Well, what's wrong with that? Rose : Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree. Dorothy : [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much. Sophia : My hiney's asleep. Dorothy : Fine, we'll keep our voices down. Sophia : I hate communists. Dorothy : Of course Ma, that's because you were raised a fascist. Blanche : She walked in on me and William last night. I could have fallen off my headboard and chipped a tooth. Rose : You think that's bad? She came into my room while Albert and I were reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan". Dorothy : What the hell goes on in this house at night? Sophia : I can't believe it. Esther Weinstock is dead. Dorothy : Oh I'm so sorry Ma, How'd it happen? Sophia : [Sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico, [agitated] Sophia : SHE WAS 88. Rose : Well it's good that she kept fighting right up to the end. Dorothy : Oh... but you thought we'd be interested in the story of little Yimminy? the boy who was raised by a moose... Rose : That moose not only raised little Yimminy, he put him through medical school Dorothy : (pretending to be God) Rose thanks for the lovely prayer now shut up and get into bed. [In a darkened movie theatre] Rose : I wonder what kind of movie this is... [Off-camera sounds of woman screaming in horror and roaring chainsaw] Dorothy : It's a musical, Rose. Blanche : Why I couldn't... I'd feel like a... like a... Dorothy : Like a backstabbing slut? Blanche : ...no... [Blanche and Dorthoy are discussing Blanche's birthday gift to Rose: a detective to follow around Rose's boyfriend] Blanche : Well I can't take it back, I paid in advance Dorothy : Can't you get a refund? Blanche : Well no I paid with nature's credit card Dorothy : You never leave home without it. Dorothy : Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life. Sophia : You would kill your sister over a pamphlet? Rose : You... you... you rude person. Dorothy : Go easy on him, Rose. Dorothy : Why don't you just tell him that you don't know who he is? Rose : And hurt an old friend? boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you. Blanche : Dorothy you're a substitute, your job isn't actually to teach. Dorothy : Then what is it? Blanche : To keep the kids from burning the school down until the other teacher gets back. Dorothy : Ma, Rose isn't talking to me... Sophia : Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night. Dorothy : Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains. Sophia : Ow. Dorothy : What is it, Ma? Sophia : Pain. Dorothy : What kind of pain? Sophia : The kind that hurts. Rose : I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened. Dorothy : You realized you forgot to dial first. Rose : No. Blanche : You were holding the receiver the wrong way. Rose : No. Dorothy : You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone. Rose : No. Blanche : A shoe? Rose : No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote? [After getting caught faking a sprained ankle] Sophia : I wuv you. Dorothy : Too wittle, too wate. Rose : Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible. Dorothy : I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable. [Dorothy is solving a murder mystery] Dorothy : On the other hand, Phillip would never use a Mayan sacrificial knife as a murder weapon. Too obvious. But, it would be no problem for his sister to sneak the weapon out of his collection. Gloria, the Sister: This woman's pathetic. Sophia : Oh. Big news. Tear out the front page. [Dorothy is solving a murder mystery] Dorothy : I think I see now how it happened - last evening, at dinner, when Miss McGlen saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse... Sophia : Big deal. I took a whole place sitting. Dorothy : NOT NOW, MA. Dorothy : when a 22 year old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body. [Trying to get Blanche to come out of her room] Dorothy : You're right, Blanche. These naked southern guys sure can dance. [Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article] Rose : Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away? Dorothy : [Holding her head] Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATAMALA. [During a mother's day flash back with Sophia and young Dorothy] Dorothy : Here we are Grandma. Grandma Petrillo: I'm in a wheel chair I'm not blind. I can see where we are, and it could stand a good cleaning. [later in the flash back] Grandma Petrillo: Where's Salvador? He's hiding from me. Sophia : He's not hiding from you. Grandma Petrillo: Yes he is, the little monkey hates me. Sophia : He doesn't HATE you. Grandma Petrillo: PLEASE, the man repairs complicated machinery for a living. Three times last week he couldn't set the hand brake on my wheel chair. All three times was at the top of the stairs to the Flatbush Subway Station. Dorothy : May I take your height - HAT? [Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them] Rose : I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me. Blanche : Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less. Rose : OK. I will. Dorothy : Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you? Rose : The time I was radioactive. [Rose is up late, baking] Rose : I couldn't sleep, so I whipped up a batch of Weiderhuegen Crispies. It's a traditional midnight snack from St. Olaf dating back to Viking times. Dorothy : Well, I guess after a hard night of pillaging and raping, a Viking would want a little something to go with his cocoa. [On being compared to Charlie's Angels] Blanche : Well, I was once told I bore a striking resemblance to Cheryl Ladd... but my bosoms were perkier. Dorothy : Not if you were hanging upside-down nude on a hundred-foot pole, Blanche. [Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle] Blanche : I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men. Dorothy : You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche? Blanche : Well there must be homosexuals who date women. Sophia : Yeah. They're called lesbians. Dorothy : How come whenever my ship comes in it's leaking? Dorothy : You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean, where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the - the true spirit of Christmas? Sophia : Neiman-Marcus, Ladies Apparel, third floor. [Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom] Rose : Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet. Dorothy : Ok, Rose. Go get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do. Dorothy : Rose, I am not in denial. Rose : Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial. Dorothy : I am not denying I'm in denial. Rose : If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial. Dorothy : Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it. Blanche : Rose, I was about to tell a story. Rose : Well, I wanna tell mine. Blanche : Dorothy? Dorothy : Well, this is a no-win situation... but go ahead, Blanche. Rose : Fine, you may never get to hear MY story. Dorothy : Then I'm wrong, it isn't a no-win situation. Dorothy : Blanche, have you seen those new ad campaigns? "Join the navy, see the world... sleep with Blanche Devereux"? "Join the army, be all you can be... sleep with Blanche Devereux"? [getting angry] Dorothy : "The marines are looking for a few good men who have *not* slept with Blanche Devereux"! [Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed] Dorothy : MA, PLEASE STOP THAT! Sophia : These are FRITOS, Dorothy. You want me to swallow them whole? [Sophia is in a pirate costume, and the girls are about to meet a famous actor] Sophia : You want me to leave? I can't believe you're embarassed by your own mother! Dorothy : When she looks like Vasco de Gama, yes! [Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over] Sophia : And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show? Dorothy : Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along. [Rose has taken Dorothy and Blanche to Mr. Ha Ha's Hot Dog Haciendo, a kiddie birthday party restruant] Rose : Well, you always complained your birthdays are dull and boring. This place looked very exciting! Dorothy : Yes, Rose, to a five-year-old... OR SOMEONE WHO THINKS LIKE ONE! [Discussing a bad actress who played Anne Frank in a community theater play] Dorothy : I mean, for the enitre second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic, she's in the attic!" [Rose is worried about going on a cruise with a man she likes. She worries that she will have to do "it."] Rose : I haven't slept with another man since Charlie died. Blanche : Oh, get outta here! Dorothy : Shut up, Blanche. Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port! [The girls are sick. Sophia tells a story] Sophia : In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Scarpelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure for it. She was most famous for her green salve to cure earaches. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his pasta instead. Dorothy : Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that. Sophia : Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Ear Salve on Pasta wasn't very appetizing-but once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it sold like hot cakes! Dortohy: Ma, you're making this up! Sophia : So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful. Dorothy : Ma, I'm never playing cards with you again! Sophia : Yes you will. You're just too competitive. It's always been your worst feature. No, wait-your ears are your worst feature. Dorothy : Can you believe that? Blanche : No, I always thought your bony feet were your worst feature. [after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket] Dorothy : Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too? Rose : No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet-wow, on only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you! Rose : I'm living in my twilight years. Dorothy : Rose, you're living in the Twilight ZONE! [Sophia watches a dirty movie] Dorothy : Ma, what are they DOING? Sophia : You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12. Dorothy : Ma, we did not get a VCR so you could watch dirty movies! Sophia : This is NOT dirty. [pause] Sophia : OK, maybe that was dirty. Dorothy : I'm turning this off. Sophia : Wrong button. That's Fast Forward. Rose : What are they doing? Blanche : I know what they're doing, but I've never seen anyone do it at that speed. Sophia : No, that's Reverse. Blanche : I did that once... it was his birthday. Blanche : So, Dorothy, tell us how good was the sex? Dorothy : So good we named it! Dorothy : Ma, I DON'T snore. Sophia Petrillo : Please! I had to turn you away from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes! Blanche : I can't believe you said that! Oh if I weren't a lady I'd deck you. Dorothy : You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date. Movie Title: All in the Family (1971) as Maude: Archie Bunker : This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Maude : You're fat. Archie Bunker : Roosevelt sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar. Maude : They met at Yalta. Archie Bunker : He sold us out there too. |
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