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 Joanna Lumley QuotationMovie Title: Cold Comfort Farm (1995) as Mrs. Smiling: Mrs. Smiling : I mean there probably isn't even a bathroom. Flora Poste : It is Sussex, for goodness' sake. Mrs. Smiling : In fact, when poetry is combined with ill-groomed hair and eccentric dress, it's generally fatal. You're very lucky, Elfine. He must have seen your finer points. Mrs. Smiling : It's bad to be dewy-eyed around smart people, but you can always secretly despise them. Movie Title: Maybe Baby (2000) as Sheila: Sheila : Well Mr. Phipps, you are in perilous danger of turning me back into a heterosexual. Movie Title: Alice in Wonderland (1999) as Tiger Lily: Alice : Oh Tiger Lily, I wish you could talk so you could tell me how to get out of this wood. Tiger Lily : I can talk, when there's anybody worth talking to! Movie Title: James and the Giant Peach (1996) as Spiker / Aunt Spiker: [Spiker and Sponge are outside the peach, looking for James] Spiker : Where are you? You little worm! Earthworm : AAAHHHHHH! James : Not you, ME! Aunt Sponge : We sent you out here to kill a spider! Aunt Spiker : Not to laze about. James : I wasn't lazing about, I tripped. Aunt Sponge : How dare you disagree with us! Aunt Sponge : I look and smell, I do declare, as lovely as a rose. Just feast your eyes upon my face, observe my shapely nose. Behold my heavenly silky locks, and if I take off both my socks, you'll see my dante toes. Aunt Spiker : But don't forget, my dearest Sponge, how much your tummy shows! [Gazing at the giant peach] Aunt Sponge : It smells delicious! Aunt Spiker : No! It smells like money. Aunt Spiker : [Swatting a butterfly] Ew, wouldn't want one of those nesting in your knickers. Movie Title: Ella Enchanted (2004) as Dame Olga: Dame Olga : I want to look twenty-five at tonight's ball. What do you suggest? Mandy : [disgusted, under her breath] A time machine. Movie Title: Absolutely Fabulous (1992) as Patsy Stone / Patsy: Patsy Stone : She's so anally retentive she wouldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture. Edina Monsoon : What do you think of the kitchen, Pats? Patsy Stone : I think it's fabulous. Saffron Monsoon : It isn't done yet. Edina Monsoon : No, sweetie. Maybe she's right. Maybe this IS fabulous. Edina Monsoon : Is champas all right with you Pats? Patsy Stone : Lovely darling. Edina Monsoon : Should we finish off the beluga or should we have some smoked salmon nibbly things? Patsy Stone : Oh whatever sweetie. Edina Monsoon : All right, we'll finish off the beluga. Patsy Stone : It's fabulous darling. [Edina has lost her speech which she has to present to the PR meeting] Edina Monsoon : Yeah I was gonna' make a- [taps microphone] Edina Monsoon : Testing. Testing. -Yeah I was gonna' make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean, this used to be like fun you know; yeah it used to be fun, but I'm getting bored of all the 'fun' bits now. You know, your endless bloody lunches and launches, you know, no-career celebrities and party desperates. And what for, huh? Some colony of crap tags and mags! Well I'm sorry there has to be a little more than that doesn't there? [slams her handbag down] Edina Monsoon : Hmmm? You know I had a speech, you know, my... my integrated-projected-global-tele-network system bloody system-system. But you know, if that's what the worlds coming to I don't want to be in it. No I don't want that. I don't want to be in some sort of cyber-space-hypervirtual bloody reality. I don't want that- exchanging e-mails with some old age bloody hippies with more information at their fingertips than is safe to know about. I don't want that! What kind of reality is that, huh, you know, with a thirteen-amp plug on the end of it? Huh? Huh?... That can be un-plugged like that? Come-on I'm going. [She turns to leave, but... ] Edina Monsoon : No I'm not going yet! No, you! [points to her competition, Claudia Bing] Edina Monsoon : You, you, just sit there like your velcroed to some bloody add-man! You know those crap-head add-men over there, you know, those kings of bastardization that have just taken everything that was ever real and genuine and honest and original and attached it to a toilet cleaner! Whereas I, I... Like a bird on a wire... Like a drunk in a midnight choir... I have tried in my way to be free. [Then she sings] Edina Monsoon : Like a bird, on a wire. Patsy Stone : Go for it Eddy. Edina Monsoon : [singing] ... Like a drunk in a midnight choir. I have tried in my way to be free. [Claudia Bing and her colleagues are laughing] Edina Monsoon : Yeah you can laugh, but you know something- I don't want more choice I just want nicer things! And you, you can take that look off your face, sitting there with your... with your wheels and AIDS and starvation. You know, skimming a neat profit of the whole of human misery. Labeling us all with this- with this global guilt. Well it may not be all great and good but it ain't that bad, so cheer up world it may never bloody happen! [slams her bag down again] Edina Monsoon : Come on I'm going. [Edina walks off making rude farting sounds at everyone in the room] [Patsy describes her sister, Jackie] Patsy Stone : She is there, behind the rich and powerful... beside the rich and powerful... *under* the rich and powerful. Patsy Stone : The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic. Patsy Stone : Easy going sex with gorgeous, underage youths... Edina Monsoon : Yeaaah. Edina Monsoon : [drunkenly] I don't know why it went wrong with Justin. I mean, you know, cause we did just adore each other, you know. Patsy Stone : He's gay. Edina Monsoon : Pats... Patsy Stone : Yes, Eddy? Edina Monsoon : You have no morals, darling. Patsy Stone : [talking to Eddy] Darling, I'm your best friend and let's be honest: your taste in men is famously bad. Patsy Stone : Darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual, and remember, I've known you longer than your daughter has. Edina Monsoon : Darling, stop me drinking today because Saffy's threatened to leave home again. Patsy Stone : Darling, you don't DRINK. Edina Monsoon : Yes, I know I'm not a DRINKER but you know what she's like, I mean... Patsy Stone : A PIG. Patsy Stone : What will you drink if you stop drinking? Edina Monsoon : I shall drink water. [pause] Edina Monsoon : It's a mixer, Pats. We have it with whiskey... I mean, YOU've given up drinking before. Patsy Stone : Worst eight hours of my life. Patsy Stone : [Saffron has refused to go to Edina's fashion show and her son, Serge, is also unavailable] You know, I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is if they are not going to turn up for your launches. Did you tell him how important for you it was, darling? Edina Monsoon : Yeah, I tell him. I faxed the bloody dean and the bullocky halls of residence and the buggery mountain rescue. I mean, what more can I do? Patsy Stone : Nothing. And you shouldn't have to. I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother. You've let them ruin your figure. Your stomach is stretched beyond recognition, you've got tits down to your knees and what for, for God's sake? Bubble : Oh, the magazine called for you Pats. They need some decisions about this month's cover. Patsy Stone : Oh, really? Whatever can they need to know? I mean, it's the same every month: a model IN make-up with a vacant look on her face... Saffron Monsoon : I'm sorry, mum, but I've never seen what it is that you actually do. Edina Monsoon : PRrr. Saffron Monsoon : Yes, but... Edina Monsoon : PR. I PR things. People. Places. Concepts... Patsy Stone : ...Lulu. Edina Monsoon : Lulu... I make the fabulous... I make the crap into credible. I make the dull into... Patsy Stone : ...Delicious. [on the significance of awards] Edina Monsoon : They don't matter, do they, darling?... Awards, Pats? Patsy Stone : Oh, Eddy. We've been here before. Edina Monsoon : It's just... you know... I WANT one. I don't just want one, darling, I NEED one. My career is on a toboggan run of failure at the moment... I just need one. It's the only thing that seems to mean ANYthing these days... I need one now before the menopause drags me into her gaping jaws. Before my creative hormonal oil-well dribbles to a halt. Before my bottom becomes just a patch-work quilt of monkey glands, darling. Saffron Monsoon : But, Mom, menopause can be a very exhilarating and positive experience for a woman. Edina Monsoon : Oooh, yes. And the curse is a blessing and childbirth is painless. No. Unless that gaping hole on my mantle piece is filled pretty soon, darling, I might as well... I might as well lick this light-switch and do us all a favour, darling... [to daughter Saffron] Edina Monsoon : With any luck we'd get Roman Polanski interested in you. Patsy Stone : She was never young enough for him. Patsy Stone : Take a holiday, darling. South of France. Magda : I don't do holidays. Everybody's a nobody in a bikini. Edina Monsoon : What do you see when you look in the mirror, darling? Patsy Stone : Me looking fabulous. What do you see? Edina Monsoon : Yeah... Just the room. Edina Monsoon : Pats. Pats. You know, like, when you are in a room or something, and you think someone is like staring at you... Patsy Stone : In a room? Edina Monsoon : Or in a plane. Anywhere... anywhere... And you are sort of doing things because you think someone is looking at you like people are looking at you, you know? Patsy Stone : On a plane? Edina Monsoon : Well, anywhere... anywhere... And then you look at them and they are just sort of asleep but their head is flopped in your direction, you know? Well, I don't want THAT to happen. I don't want THAT to be my life, you know. The whole world asleep. Edina Monsoon : The word on the old grave marker, the words on your grave marker. What is that? Patsy Stone : Oh, your epitomb. Edina Monsoon : Your epitomb. What is that you want on your epitomb? Patsy Stone : I want: "She was fantastic."..."Patsy was here." Edina Monsoon : No, daring, you can just have "Patsy Stone". Patsy Stone : Oh, Eddy, Eddy. Wait for this. Wait for this: "Eddy: Still no thinner." Edina Monsoon : These are really funny. We could sell those. Saffron Monsoon : Well, you can't have anything in common. You can't have ANYthing to talk about. Edina Monsoon : Ha. She doesn't want somebody to TALK to, darling. Patsy Stone : I've got YOU to TALK to. Edina Monsoon : Exactly. I mean, no one blinks an eye when an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they? Or what is really sick, listen now Patsy, what is REALLY sick, darling, is when a non-bimbo girl goes out with a really old man. That's sick, isn't it, darling. Patsy Stone : Brrrr. Saffron Monsoon : Mum, what is this world you live in? What is this bimbo and non-bimbo mean? Edina Monsoon : Real world, darling. Edina Monsoon : All right, time for another little drinkie before we go? Saffron Monsoon : Where are you going? Edina Monsoon : New York. Saffron Monsoon : I didn't think they let people with convictions in. Edina Monsoon : Darling, its not a conviction. Patsy Stone : Just a firm belief. Edina Monsoon : Yes. Edina Monsoon : No Twiggy, we want to go with you for this. We could've gotten Kylie, but we know you have more class. You don't need to parade around with a pair of gold lame hot pants wedged up your chocolate starfish to make an impression. Saffron Monsoon : What's happened to your face? Edina Monsoon : Darling, she's just had a bit of the botox. Patsy Stone : No, it's not botox. It's "paralox." Saffron Monsoon : You look like a zombie. Edina Monsoon : She still has emotions, you know. She just doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles. Patsy Stone : I'm happy about that, can't you tell? Edina Monsoon : No. Patsy Stone : Money well spent. Patsy Stone : I'm not happy! Beth De Woodi : Beth De Woodi, the sands of time are running through my hour glass. Patsy Stone : Patsy Stone, I hope you're wearing thick pads. Patsy Stone : I thought a little mosey down Bond Street, a little sniff around Gucci, sidle up to Ralph Lauren, pass through Browns and on to Quags for a light lunch. Edina Monsoon : Sweetie what are you drinking? Patsy Stone : Oh this? Chanel No. 5. Patsy Stone : They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher's block so they can photograph all your organs for "Heat" magazine. Patsy : I can get you a man. Edina : Well, how? Patsy : Pay. Patsy Stone : [to Saffy] Oh you little BITCH TROLL FROM HELL. Patsy Stone : [to Saffy] Miserable little turnip. [Eddie is in court explaining to the judge her problems with the law] Edina Monsoon : Yes, Yes!... Why, oh why, do we pay taxes, hmmm? I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions- and BUGGERY-UGLY traffic wardens, and BOLLOCKY-pedestrian-BLOODY-crossings?... and those BASTARD railings outside shops windows, making it so difficult so you can't even get in them! I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves! But we're not all stupid! We don't all need nurse-maiding. I mean, why not just have a Stupidity Tax? Just tax the stupid people! Patsy Stone : And let them DIE! Patsy Stone : Goodbye aging obscurity and 'Hello.' Magazine. Patsy Stone : Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights... Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls. Edina Monsoon : Bye Pats. Patsy Stone : It's fabulous. Edina Monsoon : Good... Thank you. Patsy Stone : [nervous on TV] You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes. Patsy Stone : Yeah. Cheers. Thanks a lot. Patsy Stone : My mother only knew my father very briefly. Patsy Stone : I need to see my lawyer. I must be allowed to make that telephone call before my freedom is finally snatched away from me. Customs Officer : That won't be necessary Mr. Stone. The white powder we found was a perfectly hameless innocent substance. [Edina gasps] Customs Officer : You're all free to go. Patsy Stone : I beg your pardon? Customs Officer : You're free to go. Be a bit more careful next time. Patsy Stone : But hang on there! I want you to test it! Come back her I paid a, a huge amount of money for that substance, don't tell me it was talcom powder! |
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