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 Larry David QuotationI guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to cavier. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. "This is a sad day for the Golden Globes. It is however, quite a good day for Larry David. I suspect the wife will be a little forthcoming tonight." - after winning the Golden Globe for best comedy series Movie Title: Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) as Larry / Larry's reflection / Larry David: Donald: You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew. Larry David : Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. Larry : I wanna see your ticket. Man: You wanna see my ticket? Ok... here's my name on the ticket. If it was your ticket it would say "Fucking Douchebag". [After Larry has interrupted a baptism because he thought the priest was drowning the man] Woman: You didn't want to lose another Jew. Larry : I don't care. What do I need him for? Larry : [to Richard Lewis] Who are people going to believe... an ex-alcoholic or a guy who's been lucid 24/7 his whole life? I didn't steal your message you asshole. Larry : What's in this latte? Starbucks employee: Milk and coffee. Larry : Oh my god. Milk and coffee. I never would have thought of that. That's so brilliant. [During a fight with his business partner named Hue] Larry : Fuck Hue. Fuck Huuuuue. [Larry accidentally eats decorative manger scene cookies] Becky: You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary. Larry : I thought they were animal cookies. Cheryl's Dad : Animal Cookies? What, are you kidding me? Becky: Jesus Christ is not an animal. Larry : I thought he was a monkey. Cheryl's Dad : A monkey? Oh, please. Cheryl's Mom: Larry, have you no shame? Becky: The Son of God is not a monkey, Larry. [Larry has a flat tire in the city, and doesn't know how to fix it] Larry : [to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Ok, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now. [People are ignoring him] Larry : I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No? Larry : I am not obsessed with asses. Wanda : Ok, assy. And what is all that shit all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass? [Larry has realized he made a bad joke about Wanda's butt] Larry : Ok, Wanda... Wanda : Oh, you know who I am, ok. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass. Larry : OK, you completely misinterpreted that... Wanda : How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out 'Hey, Big Ass Wanda'. Larry : I didn't say big ass, I was just saying hello. Wanda : Is that how you say hello? Larry : Uh, well... Wanda : 'Hey big ass' or 'Hey assy' or 'Hey I know your ass'. What is that? That's not how you say hello. Larry : Perhaps not. [In the women's room, which Larry had to use, he puts his water bottle in his pants instead of the trash to avoid being recognized] Producer's daughter: [enters] Hi mister. Thanks for fixing my doll. [hugs him] Larry : Aww, don't worry about it sweetheart. Producer's daughter: [looks at him, scared, and runs out] Mommy, mommy. The old man's in the bathroom, and he's got something hard in his pants. Jeff Greene's Mother : Why did you have to put those clothes of Jeff's, just throw them in... Larry David : Why? Why? Why? Jeff Greene's Mother : Just throw them in, in the trunk, on top of a dirty old tire? Why? Larry David : Obviously there's something wrong with me. Jeff Greene's Mother : Yes, well, that's the question... Larry David : What is wrong with me? Jeff Greene's Mother : Why would anybody do that? A person doesn't do that. Larry David : I don't have a closet in my house. I'm just used to throwing things around like that. Jeff Greene's Mother : And throwing them on the floor? Larry David : I throw them on the floor. That's how all my clothes are at home. I don't even have a bed, I sleep on a big pile of clothes. Jeff Greene's Mother : Well, it's just disgusting. Larry David : I'm a disgusting man. [While ordering coffee at Starbucks] Larry David : I'll have a vanilla... one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got. [After leaving a terrible dinner party] Larry : What's the level of anger here? What am I dealing with? Cheryl : Well, I'd have to say at least an 8.7. Larry : 8.7? That's not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9. Cheryl : It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points. Larry : Pity points. That's fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7? [Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn] Larry : Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean... what? That it could have been a barn? There's no cows in barns. There's cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I don't think that was the barn. [long pause] Larry : I think we made the wrong turn. [Larry receives flowers from a doctor he promised to give 5,000 dollars to] Cheryl : Are those from your mistress and you just haven't told me? Larry : I wish. [He gives the flower guy a tip] Cheryl : Did you give him a five thousand dollar tip? Larry : Nice house. Susie : Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour. Larry : Naw, it's ok. Susie : No, come on. Larry : No, it's ok. I-I get it. Susie : You get it? Larry : Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice. Susie : You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the fuck out of my house, Larry. Larry David : [to president of ABC] Here's a question for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"- what kind of an idiot is running ABC? Larry : We're going to put sweet potatoes on the menu... because you can't find sweet potatoes anywhere else, have you noticed that. Cheryl : Oh, everyone's noticed that. Larry : You don't work. You're unemployed. Cheryl : Loving you is my job, Larry. Larry : Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad. [Larry is on a bad trip, looking in a bathroom mirror] Larry's reflection : What are you looking at? You see something? Huh? Larry : Wh- What did I do? Larry's reflection : What did you do? You know what you did! You did nothing! Larry : If you want me to do something, just tell me! Larry's reflection : You've got to change the diet, I've told you about that. I don't want the red meat, you're eating the red meat. I don't like that! Larry : I'm doing the best I can. Larry's reflection : Go to a doctor. Get yourself a checkup. Colonoscopy, you afraid to get a colonoscopy? What's the matter with you? Larry : I'm sorry. Larry's reflection : Everybody gets it! Get a colonoscopy! Larry : I'm really going to do it. Larry's reflection : You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up. You going to get a card? Larry : [nodding] Okay. Larry's reflection : You're not going to get a card! You're not going to do a fucking thing! Larry : I'll try and do better. I will. Larry's reflection : TV! TV! TV! That's what you like to do! Read a fucking book! Larry : Okay, yeah, you're right! You know everything! Larry's reflection : Who the fuck do you think you're talking to! Larry : That shish-kebab, the whole night I couldn't get rid of it. Ben Stiller: Uh, yeah. I have a scratched retina. Larry : Oh. [Getting out of jury duty] Larry : Uh... well, your honor, I believe it would be hard to remain impartial seeing as the defendant is a negro. [Larry has just offended a rabbi] Nat David : He doesn't know what he's doing. Cheryl's Mom: He really doesn't. Cheryl : No, he's... Larry : What do they say in The Bible? "He knows not... whereof he..." Rabbi : Don't try, don't try to quote The Bible. Just, just don't try... Larry : "... forked tongue?..." Nat David : Okay, Larry... Larry : "He knows not whereof he... whence he speaks?..." Nat David : Larry... you be quiet. [Larry notices a picture on his rabbi's desk] Larry : Is that you? Rabbi : That's... that's Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm... he died on September 11th. Larry : Oh my gosh. Oh, I'm so sorry. Rabbi : Yeah. Terrible. Larry : He was in the building? Rabbi : No, no. He, he was... uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger. Larry : Uptown? Rabbi : Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit 'em. Larry : [Long pause] What a shame. [Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry] Cheryl : "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity." Larry : You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife? Cheryl : Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that? Larry : Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in..."'til death do us part," I thought it was... Cheryl : Do you have a problem with eternity? Larry : Well... Cheryl : We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity. Larry : I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again. Larry : Alright, let's roll! Rabbi : What? "Let's roll"? What did you say? Larry : What? Rabbi : You knew my brother-in-law died on September 11th! How dare you say something like that! Larry : With all due respect, wasn't that just a coincidence? Rabbi : Oh, what the... Larry : Alright, poor choice of words... Rabbi : What the hell kind of a... Larry : Alright, that's long gone... Rabbi : You know, I don't wanna do this. Forget it. Forget it. Larry : Oh, I didn't know, I didn't know that if you, that if you, you died UPTOWN on 9/11 that it was, that it was part of it, uh... the tragedy. Richard: You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts! Larry : First of all, Richard, they're not breasts. They're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay? Richard: You'd better call me later on, alright? By sundown. Larry : "By sundown"? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? "By sundown"? What's gonna happen? Richard: That's funny. You know, I'm tryin' not to laugh, but that's funny. Larry : Yeah, okay. Richard: You better call me by sundown. Larry : "By sundown"? Is the posse gonna come get me? Richard: How could you not help a blind man? Larry : How could you say "blind man" in front of a blind man? Blind Man : Oh pleeeeeeease, don't... Larry : You called him a blind man right in front of him. Richard: No, I didn't, I didn't mean that in a bad way, no, I got... Blind Man : Oh no, no, no no... Richard: I meant sightless. I didn't mean... I mean I respect the blind as much as anybody, I... Blind Man : Oh, of course, it's not a problem, believe me. Richard: No, I didn't mean that in a, in a derogatory sense. I got my own problems, really... Blind Man : No no! Richard: ...and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have, I have intimacy problems, so... Blind Man : Oh really? Larry : Poor guy. Terrible intimacy problems. Blind Man : Ohhhhhh. Richard: I do have problems! I had... Larry : Can't get close to a woman, it's a terrible thing! Richard: It happens to be true! I'm just sayin' we're all in the same... Blind Man : Yeah, right. Larry : We're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. You guys have a lot in common, don't ya? Larry David : I pee sitting down. Jeff Greene : You pee sitting down? Larry David : Yeah! Have you ever tried it? Jeff Greene : No! Larry David : It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read. Jeff Greene : What are you reading? Larry David : I'm reading a lot of stuff. Jeff Greene : What stuff? Larry David : If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake! Jeff Greene : Twenty times? Larry David : Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'! Jeff Greene : What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'? Larry : He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather! Jeff Greene : You don't have a stepfather. Larry : I know, but I didn't like the implication! Larry : [Larry is making small talk during a long, boring car ride with Cheryl] You ever had a fresh grape? Huh? I've had... I've had fresh *apples*. Never had a fresh *grape*. Never... had a fresh *cherry*. Never had a fresh *pear*. Never *seen* a pear. Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand. Larry David : [to Cheryl, while they are sitting, waiting for the Dansons to call] They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful. Movie Title: Seinfeld (1990) as George Steinbrenner: [A bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars] George Steinbrenner : So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie? [George is talking about himself in the third person] George Costanza : I think it's time for George's lunch. George Steinbrenner : Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me. |
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