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 Val Kilmer QuotationUpon playing Batman: "I've done an absurdly commercial cartoon and now I'm more likely to hired for a job I couldn't get hired for before, because I hadn't done enough movies. It's so rare when an actor gets hired because he's right for the role - it just doesn't figure into it." "The only time it's ever like work is when you don't like what you've done." Movie Title: The Salton Sea (2002) as Danny: Danny : So why does Garcetti hate me? Gus Morgan : Come on, man. You can't take Garcetti seriously. He hates everyone. He doesn't even like dolphins. Finn : They say he hasn't slept in like over a year. Danny : Bullshit! Finn : Naw, it's true. I've never seen him sleep. Seriously. Danny : Have you ever seen Queen Elizabeth sleep? Finn : No, why, is she a tweaker? Danny : [pause] Yes. That's my point. Danny : Linoleum? This must be Hell. Pooh-Bear : Make me an offer. Danny : I don't know, 14,000 a kilo? Pooh-Bear : I deal in U.S. pounds, friend. None of that faggot metric shit for me. Movie Title: Real Genius (1985) as Chris Knight: Chris Knight : Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life? David Decker : She happens to be my daughter. Chris Knight : Oh. Then I guess you have. [Looking at Dr. Meredith's bunny slippers, then his own.] Chris Knight : May I say, sir, I admire your taste in footwear. Chris Knight : Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it. Chris Knight : Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races and we had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother? Professor Hathaway : When you first started at Pacific Tech you were well on your way to becoming another Einstein and then you know what happened? Chris Knight : I got a haircut? [To a girl at a party.] Chris Knight : Don't eat that. Eating that can cause very large breasts. Oh my God, I'm too late! Chris Knight : Gee, Kent, and we were going to make you King of the Winter Carnival! Kent : Really? Chris Knight : Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives to have sex! Chris Knight : First, you have to get back at Kent, it's a moral imperative. Chris Knight : You didn't touch anything, did you? Mitch : No. Chris Knight : Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy. Mitch : What is it? Chris Knight : It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it? Mitch : No. Chris Knight : I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of attempts to avoid responsibility. Professor Hathaway : I want to see more of you around the lab. Chris Knight : Fine. I'll gain weight. Chris Knight : It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility. Chris Knight : Would you prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I've got it! Nudity! Dr. Dodd : Why is that toy on your head? Chris Knight : Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes. Chris Knight : Kent put his name on his license plate. Mitch : My mother does that to my underwear. Chris Knight : Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit? Professor Hathaway : You still run? Chris Knight : Only when chased. Chris Knight : This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated. Mitch : The weirdest thing just happened to me. Chris Knight : Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you? Mitch : No... Chris Knight : Why, am I the only one who has that dream? Chris Knight : If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying that because I care - there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing. [Chris Knight is trying to hit on Susan, a beautiful woman he finds in Professor Hathaway's house] Chris Knight : So, if there's anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know. Susan : Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis? Chris Knight : Not right now. Susan : A girl's gotta have her standards. [She walks out] Kent : You're all a bunch of degenerates! Chris Knight : Oh, really? Well, what about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O? Kent : You did not! Chris Knight : This is true. Kent : Yeah, well it was hot and I was hungry! Mitch : Did you know there's a guy living in our closet? Chris Knight : You've seen him too? Mitch : Who is he? Chris Knight : Hollyfeld. Mitch : Why does he keep going into our closet? Chris Knight : Why do you keep going into our closet? Mitch : To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there! Chris Knight : Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him! Mitch : Yeah... Chris Knight : Think before you ask these questions, Mitch! Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes? Chris Knight : Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?" Chris Knight : Welcome to Pacific Tech's "Smart People on Ice"! Chris Knight : You unbelievable bastard. Professor Hathaway : Count on it. [Chris is holding a lab beaker with pink liquid in it.] Chris Knight : Here Mitch taste this. Too sweet? Mitch : No... what is it? Chris Knight : I don't know, I found it in one of the labs. [Mitch starts to wipe out his mouth.] Chris Knight : I'm just kidding. It's yogurt. [Kent opens his dorm room door to find his car inside.] Chris Knight : Kent isn't that your car? Mitch : Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus. Kent : You did this, Knight! Chris Knight : I had help. [Points to Mitch] Kent : You won't get away with this. You'll rue the day! Chris Knight : Rue the day? Who talks like that? Chris Knight : You see Mitch, I used to be you. Lately I've been missing me so I asked Dr. Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure. Chris Knight : Would you qualify that as a launch problem or a design problem? Lazlo Hollyfeld : How did you do? Chris Knight : I passed... then I failed! Lazlo Hollyfeld : Then I'm happy... and sad for you. Movie Title: Joe Henry (1999) as Bob Henry: Bob Henry : There's good people, Joey, and then there's people like me. Don't end up on the wrong side of that equation. Bob Henry : If I tell you to do something, you do it, right? If I tell you to march out on the street and jump up and down like G.I Joe, you do it, right? Joe : Yeah... Bob Henry : If I tell you to climb up on the roof and bark like a chicken, you do it, right? Bob Henry : How old are you anyway? 11? 12? Joe : I'm 14. Bob Henry : Yeah, well, you're not gonna live to see 15. Movie Title: Willow (1988) as Madmartigan: Willow : See this acorn? I'll throw it at you and turn you to stone! Madmartigan : Ooh, I'm really scared. Help! There's a peck with an acorn pointed at me! Willow : Don't call me a peck! Madmartigan : Oh I'm sorry! Peck! Peck! Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck! Willow : What are you doing? Madmartigan : I found some blackroot. She loves it. Willow : Blackroot? I'm the father of two children. You never, ever give a baby blackroot. Madmartigan : Well my mother raised me on blackroot. It's good for you. It put's hair on your chest, doesn't it, Sticks? Willow : Her name is not Sticks! She's Alora Dannen, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she's gonna want is a hairy chest! Sorsha : What are you looking at? Madmartigan : Your leg. I'd like to break it. Madmartigan : I love you Sorsha! Sorsha : Stop saying that! Madmartigan : What happened back there? Willow : You started spouting poetry. "I love you Sorsha! I worship you Sorsha!" You almost got us killed! Madmartigan : "I love you Sorsha?" I don't love her, she kicked me in the face! I hate her... Don't I? Sorsha : What happened to "You are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky"? Madmartigan : It went away. Sorsha : "I dwell in darkness without you," and it *went away*? Llug : Wanna breed? Madmartigan : [disguised as Hilda] Tempting... but No. Madmartigan : What are you going to look like if this works? Fin Raziel : Don't interrupt. Madmartigan : Sorry. Fin Raziel : I'm a young beautiful woman. Madmartigan : Concentrate, Willow! Willow : Here are her changing rags and her milk bladder. Madmartigan : Any milk in there? Willow : It's for her! Madmartigan : I wouldn't steal from a baby. You worry too much, Peck. Meegosh : It's Willow! Madmartigan : That's magic? It smells terrible. Willow : It's the life spark. It forms... Madmartigan : Well it stinks! This whole thing stinks! Madmartigan : [crying] I guess I am gonna die here. Who cares? Willow : [offers him a cup of water] Here. Madmartigan : [Immediately recovering] Thanks, friend. Willow : What's that? [Sees a mass of soldiers on horses approaching] Madmartigan : I'd say 2-300 horses, five or six wagons and about a thousand fools. Willow : We need your help! Madmartigan : My help? Why? You're a sorcerer. Willow : You're a warrior and a swordsman. And you're 10 times bigger than I am, Stupid! Willow : Madmartigan, you never, ever drive that fast with an infant! Madmartigan : I just saved that infant's life! Madmartigan : Let me out of here, Airk. Give me a sword, I'll win this war for you. Airk : I still serve Galadorn, you serve no one. Remember? Just sit in your coffin and rot. [Rides off] Madmartigan : I'll be around long after you're dead! When I get out of here, I'm gonna cut your head off and stick it on a pig pole! Madmartigan : Well, looks like I got you here. Franjean : You? What did you do? Rool : All you did was hang around and eat our eggs. Willow : We found one of your babies in our village. Will you please take care of her? Airk : We're in battle, little ones. Find a woman to take care of her. Madmartigan : We thought you were a woman, Airk! Willow : Burglekutt, you're troll dung! Madmartigan : Don't let him talk to you that way, Burglekutt! Madmartigan : [He and Willow have entered an abandoned fortress] Why do I listen to you, Peck? "Everything will be alright once we get to Tir Asleen". Well the only army around here is the one that will ride across this valley and wipe us out! Willow : Cherlindrea said we'd be safe here. Madmartigan : Safe? Look at these people. This place is cursed, Peck. It's falling apart. Open your eyes. And it... [Steps in a pile of troll dung] Madmartigan : Trolls! Willow : I found a boat. We're all set. Madmartigan : Good. Take these two lizards out and drown them. Rool : Lizards? Who you calling lizards? Grrr! Grrr! Your mother was a lizard! Madmartigan : [About Alora Dannen] She is cute... When she's quiet. Willow : She's really a princess. Madmartigan : Really? And you're a great sorcerer. And I'm the king of Cashmir. Go to sleep, Willow. Madmartigan : Mumbo, Jumbo, I am hungry. Go get me some eggs or something. Franjean : We are not afraid of you! Madmartigan : NOW! [Franjean and Rool race off] Madmartigan : Let me do that. Get away, rodents! Franjean : Take your hand off that! You leave that alone you stupid, fat Diakini! Movie Title: Wonderland (2003) as John Holmes: John Holmes : Where do you want to go? Dawn : Anywhere. Everywhere. John Holmes : You've got to do it. If you don't, I'm dead. Sharon Holmes : You're already dead. Movie Title: At First Sight (1999) as Virgil: Virgil : Maybe I'm not meant to see. Movie Title: The Prince of Egypt (1998) as Moses / God: God : Take this staff, and do my wonders. God : [whispering] Moses... Moses : Here I am. God : Take the sandals from your feet, for the ground on which you stand is holy ground. [Moses does so] Moses : Who are you? God : [loudly] I AM THAT I AM. Moses : I don't understand. God : I am the God of your fathers: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. disembodied voices in the background: [Miriam] "You were born of my mother Yohebeth. You are our brother!"* Moses : What do you want with me? God : I have seen the oppression of my people in Egypt and have heard their cry for deliverance. [disembodied cry of slaves and sound of whips] God : So I shall stretch out my hand and lead them out of Egypt. I will lead them to a new land, a better land, a land flowing with milk and honey. And so to free them, unto Pharaoh I shall send... YOU. Moses : Me? W-who am I to be sent? They won't follow me, they won't even listen to me. God : I shall teach you what to say. disembodied voice: [Moses] "Let my people go!" Moses : But I was their enemy. I was who they hated. You must understand! You've chosen the wrong messenger! How can I even talk to them? How can I even speak to them? God : [furious] WHO MADE MAN'S MOUTH? WHO MADE THE DEAF, THE MUTE, THE SEEING OR THE BLIND? DID NOT I? NOW GO! [soothing] God : Oh, Moses, I shall be with you when you go to see the king of Egypt but Pharaoh will not listen. So I shall stretch out my hand and smite Egypt will all my wonders! Take the staff in your hand. With it, you shall do my wonders! [whispering] God : I will be with you. Moses : Let my people go! Moses : Is this where you found me? Queen : Moses, please try to understand. Moses : So everything I thought, everything I am, is a lie. Queen : No! You are our son and we love you. Rameses : Come on, Moses, admit it. You've always looked up to me. Moses : Yes, but it's not much of a view! Rameses : The "weak link in the chain." That's what he called me. Moses : Well, you are rather pathetic. Movie Title: Blind Horizon (2004) as Frank Kavanaugh: Frank Kavanaugh : There is a conspiracy to kill the President of the United States and I know something but I don't know how and it's happening in your town sheriff. Movie Title: The Ghost and the Darkness (1996) as John Patterson: John Patterson : You don't enjoy killing, do you? [Remington ignores the question by taking a swig from his flask] Hawthorne : Then why do it? Charles Remington : Because I've got a gift. [Samuel hands John a letter from his wife] Samuel : You like her? John Patterson : Very much. Samuel : I don't like any of mine. [After they discover the Lion's Den filled with skeletons, and are terrified] Charles Remington : Lions don't do this. Lions... never had a lair like this. They're doing it for the pleasure. John Patterson : They'll know we've been here. Samuel : Mzee! John! Where do you think you're going? John Patterson : [John cocks his rifle] I'm going to sort it out. [He fires a shot] John Patterson : I'm going... [He fires again] John Patterson : to sort it out. [He shoots into the air, again, walks onto the bridge, and continues firing] John Patterson : Darling... you know how God invented liquor so the Irish wouldn't rule the world. John Patterson : What better job in all the world than build a bridge? Bring land over water. Bring worlds together. John Patterson : Have you ever failed? Charles Remington : Only at life. Movie Title: The Saint (1997) as Simon Templar / Simon: [Simon prepares to pick the lock on the door of a Russian government building, only to find it unlocked.] Simon : I love this country. Simon Templar : The worst part about being you is pretending to be so bad in bed. Simon Templar : If you think that by giving cold fusion to the world and giving up unimaginable wealth you'll make us happy, you're right. Emma Russell : Who are you? Simon Templar : Nobody has a clue. Least of all me. Simon : Tell me you love me. Emma : I love you. Simon : Simon. Emma : I love you Simon. Simon : Miracle three. Dr. Emma Russell : You're not Martin. Simon Templar : No. Dr. Emma Russell : What is your name? Simon Templar : I don't have a name. Dr. Emma Russell : Sad. Will you have a name when we get home? Simon Templar : I don't have a home. Simon Templar : Emma! Emma Russell : Hi. Simon Templar : I-I'm overwhelmed. You found me. Emma Russell : It wasn't very hard. Simon Templar : I am Marin Depores. I am from Spain but I am named for a Peruvian Saint, who could cure the sick, or the injured, by the laying of hands. Simon Templar : My name is Buro Houtenfaust. I was named for a Saint who was a very wealthy man. He had the wine, the women, the songs, the whole bit, and then inexplicably, took a vow of poverty and became a hermit. Ran off to live in the forest, in the nude. Simon Templar : My name is Thomas Moore. I was named after a Saint who died for his faith. Movie Title: Top Secret! (1984) as Nick Rivers: Hillary Flammond : My uncle was born in America. Nick Rivers : Oh, really? Hillary Flammond : But he was one of the lucky ones. He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency. Nick Rivers : Is this the potato farm? Farmer: Yes, I'm Albert Potato. Nick Rivers : Listen to me Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground. Hillary Flammond : I know. It all sounds like some bad movie. [Long pause. Both look at camera] Nick Rivers : Hillary. That's an unusual name. Hillary Flammond : It's a German name. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'. Nick Rivers : I'm pleased to meet you. My name's Nick. Hillary Flammond : Nick? What does that mean? Nick Rivers : Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving. [Introducing his men] Du Quois : This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, and Deja Vu. Deja Vu : Haven't we met before? Nick Rivers : I don't think so. Du Quois : Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse. [on train at checkpoint] Nick Rivers : Where are they taking him? Colonel von Horst : They are not taking him anywhere. [gunshot is heard off screen] Nick Rivers : Do you mind if I have a swig of this? [picks up bottle] Chocolate Mousse: Go right ahead. Nick Rivers : [takes a mouthful, spits in disgust] What the hell is this stuff? Chocolate Mousse: Gasoline. [laughs] [Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. Shetland pony is coughing] Nick Rivers : What's wrong with him? Wagon Driver : Oh, he caught a cold last week and he's just a little hoarse. Movie Title: Batman Forever (1995) as Batman / Bruce Wayne: Batman : Commissioner Gordon? Dr. Chase Meridian : He's at home. I sent the signal. Batman : What's wrong? Dr. Chase Meridian : Last night, at the bank, I noticed something about Two-Face. His coin. It's his Achilles' heel. It can be exploited. Batman : I know. You called me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper. Dr. Chase Meridian : Well I wish I could say that my interest in you was... purely professional. Batman : You trying to get under my cape, doctor? Dr. Chase Meridian : A girl can't live by psychoses alone. Batman : It's the car, right? Chicks love the car. Dr. Chase Meridian : What is it about the wrong kind of man? In grade school it was guys with earrings. College, motorcycles, leather jackets. Now, *oh*, black rubber. Batman : Try firemen, less to take off. Dr. Chase Meridian : I don't mind the work. Pity I can't see behind the mask. Batman : We all wear masks. Dr. Chase Meridian : My life's an open book. You read? Batman : I don't blend in at a family picnic. Dr. Chase Meridian : Oh, we could give it a try. I'll bring the wine, you bring your scarred psyche. Batman : Direct aren't you? Dr. Chase Meridian : You like strong women. I've done my homework. Or do I need skin-tight vinyl and a whip? Batman : I haven't had that much luck with women. Dr. Chase Meridian : Maybe you just haven't met the right woman. Dick Grayson : I need a name! Batboy, Nightwing, I dunno. What's a good sidekick name? Bruce Wayne : How about Dick Grayson, college student? Dick Grayson : Screw you! Alfred Pennyworth : I'm sorry to bother you, sir. But I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick. Bruce Wayne : What? Is he alright? Alfred Pennyworth : I'm afraid Master Dick has, uhm, gone traveling. Bruce Wayne : He ran away? Alfred Pennyworth : Actually, he took the car. Bruce Wayne : He boosted the Jag? Alfred Pennyworth : No, sir. Not the Jaguar. The other car. Bruce Wayne : The Bentley? Alfred Pennyworth : No, sir! The *other car*. Alfred Pennyworth : Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir? Batman : I'll get drive-thru. [upon reaching Claw Island] Robin : Holey rusted metal, Batman! Batman : Huh? Robin : The ground, it's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey. Batman : Oh. Dick Grayson : All I can think about every second of the day is getting Two-Face. He took my whole life. And when I was out there tonight, I imagined it was him that I was fighting, even when I was fighting you. And all the pain went away. Do you understand? Bruce Wayne : Yes, I do. Dick Grayson : Good, cause you gotta help me find him. And when we do, I'm the one who kills him. Bruce Wayne : So, you're willing to take a life. Dick Grayson : Long as it's Two-Face. Bruce Wayne : Then it will happen this way: You make the kill, but your pain doesn't die with Harvey, it grows. So you run out into the night to find another face, and another, and another, until one terrible morning you wake up and realize that revenge has become your whole life. And you won't know why. Dick Grayson : You can't understand. Your family wasn't killed by a maniac. Bruce Wayne : Yes, they were. We're the same. Batman : I read your work. Insightful. Naive, but insightful. Dr. Chase Meridian : I'm flattered. Not every girl makes a superhero's night table. Dr. Chase Meridian : He'll slaughter them without thinking twice. Batman : Agreed. A trauma powerful enough to create an alternate personality leaves the victim... Dr. Chase Meridian : - in a world where normal rules of right and wrong no longer apply. Batman : Exactly. Dr. Chase Meridian : Like you. - Well, let's just say that I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent. Batman : Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian. Bruce Wayne : Perhaps letters of the alphabet. Alfred Pennyworth : Of course, 13 is M. Bruce Wayne : 1 would be A, 8 would be H, and 5 would be E. Alfred Pennyworth : M-A-H-E? Bruce Wayne : Perhaps 1 and 8 are 18. Alfred Pennyworth : 18... is... R. M-R-E. Bruce Wayne : How about "Mr. E"? Alfred Pennyworth : Mystery. Bruce Wayne : And another name for mystery? Alfred Pennyworth : Enigma! Bruce Wayne : Mr. E. Nygma. Edward Nygma. Stickley's suicide was obviously a computer-generated forgery. Alfred Pennyworth : You really are quite bright, despite what people say. The Riddler : [after being defeated] Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions. Batman : Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now... because I choose to be. [holds out his hand. The Riddler backs away as he sees a bat] The Riddler : AAAAHHH! AHHHHGH! AAAAGH! Bruce Wayne : I was scared at first, but only at first. Movie Title: The Doors (1991) as Jim Morrison: Jim Morrison : You're all a bunch of fuckin' slaves! Jim Morrison : Hatred is a very underestimated emotion. Jim Morrison : Where's your will to be weird? Jim Morrison : I was stoned. It seemed like a fun thing to do at the time. Jim Morrison : I believe in a long prolonged derangement of the senses to attain the unknown... Although I live in the subconscious, our pale reason hides the infinite from us. Pamela : You actually put your dick in this woman? Jim Morrison : Well, yeah, sometimes. John : I don't know if I want to take acid. Jim Morrison : Relax, it's peyote. Jim Morrison : Actually I don't remember being born, It must have happened during one of my black outs. Jim Morrison : This is the strangest life I've ever known. Jim Morrison : Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts. Pamela : You killed my duck! Jim Morrison : I killed your duck? [stomps on the duck] Jim Morrison : There! The duck is fucking DEAD! Jim Morrison : Let's plan a murder or start a religion. Jim Morrison : Love, death, travel, revolt, chaos. Jim Morrison : I love fame, I *do* love fame! Jim Morrison : I'm a fake hero. Jim Morrison : They don't want me - they want my *death*! Jim Morrison : I'm the poet and you're my muse. Jim Morrison : Have you ever eaten human flesh? Jim Morrison : What's wrong with being a large mammal? Interviewer: Do you believe in drugs? Jim Morrison : I believe in excess... Movie Title: Stateside (2004) as SDI Skeer: SDI Skeer : You are here because you could not be trained to become men by the mothers of America. SDI Skeer : Deloach, is your girlfriend a debutante? Mark Deloach : I wouldn't know, Sargeant. SDI Skeer : Deloach, are you trying to tell me that you are a virgin? Mark Deloach : Sir, yes, sir. SDI Skeer : Are you f- Dear God. [pause] SDI Skeer : MOUNTAIN CLIMB! Movie Title: Mindhunters (2004) as Harris: Harris : So tommorow, I have a senior staff meeting with the director, a cue for a performance review, and an academy course to prep. But now, instead, I get to waste my whole day at your funerals. Gabe : The island. The middle of nowhere. They're all professionals. What's the point? Harris : The point is that they're isolated, alone, and forgotten. That's what it's like to be in the mind of a sociopath. Harris : Here we are. Crimetown USA. Where all the residents are dead... or about to be. Gabe : Sir, I thought they didn't let foreign nationals into the FBI? Harris : Don't worry. On the inside he's 100% American. Right, Rafe? Rafe : As American as the death penalty. Harris : That's my boy. Harris : You're a privelaged group. You're all smart or you wouldn't be here. I just want you to be smarter. Movie Title: The Missing (2003) as Lieutenant / Lt. Jim Ducharme: Lieutenant : Any man found looting... will have the value of their property deducted from his pay. Lt. Jim Ducharme : I don't know what they were thinking. Samuel Jones : What makes you think they were thinking? Movie Title: Red Planet (2000) as Gallagher: Gallagher : Well, here it is: that time they told us about in high school when math would save our lives. [Commander Kate Bowman steps out of the shower not realizing Gallagher coming in] Commander Kate Bowman : Could you pass me the towel, please? Gallagher : Sure. Sorry. Commander Kate Bowman : Just pretend I'm your sister. Gallagher : [grins] I have two sisters. They don't look like you. Gallagher : Fuck this planet! Gallagher : I prefer one moon, you know? That way you know what to call it: The Moon. Commander Kate Bowman : How am I supposed to explain to NASA that their engineers went blind drinking moonshine vodka? Gallagher : Very carefully? [Urinating on the surface of Mars] Dr. Quinn Burchenal : Whoa! You sure do get some high arc in this low gravity. Gallagher : You watching this, AMEE? We're taking the first piss on Mars. [Upon being resuscitated] Gallagher : I saw Elvis. Gallagher : We walk 100 km. to a 30 year old Russian rock probe that failed to launch and try to jump start it. Gee, why couldn't you make it tough. [Gallagher asks the symptoms of hypoxia] Dr. Quinn Burchenal : Hypoxia? Dizzy. Skin'll tingle. Vision narrows. Then anoxia. Shock, convulsions, acidosis. Gallagher : Gonna hurt? Dr. Quinn Burchenal : Yeah. Gallagher : Well, thats about it. I hate this planet. I really miss Earth. I really miss a lot of things. I... I 'm gonna miss you. [pause] Gallagher : Aren't you gonna say anything?. [he stops for a second] Gallagher : I shoulda kissed you. Commander Bowman: Yeah, you shoulda kissed me. V.O: Com Frequency lost, Commander Gallagher : Bye... Dr. Quinn Burchenal : [after a discussion of faith] Listen, let's forget about all the religious stuff for now. Now, I say, Commander Bowman, to hell with humanity. I say, we take it. We just take it over for ourselves! Gallagher : [sounding very serious] Call Earth, tell them it sucks, and don't bother coming? Dr. Quinn Burchenal : [laughs] Yeah, whatever keeps the riffraffs out. Chantilas, you can to the religion thing. Gallagher, you can keep the space john working... Pettengail's... passed out, and I can do pretty much everything else. King. Commander Kate Bowman : What about me? [Team members give Bowman a look because it's totally obvious] Dr. Quinn Burchenal : You'll be my queen. Propagation of the species. [Commander Bowman nods at him, and gets up and leaves] Dr. Quinn Burchenal : It was just a, just a joke, Commander Bowman. Chantilas : And on that note gentlemen, I suggest we all retire. Movie Title: Heat (1995) as Chris Shiherlis: Chris Shiherlis : For me the sun rises and sets with her, man. Neil McCauley : L.A.P.D. Gee, what, where the fuck did this heat come from? Chris Shiherlis : Maybe it's the score they were onto, the place, not us. 'Cause it's been hit a couple of times, you know, or something? Neil McCauley : Assume they got our phones, assume they got our houses, assume they got us, right here, right now as we sit, everything. Assume it all. Chris Shiherlis : The bank is worth the risk. I need it, brother. We should stay and take it down. Movie Title: Spartan (2004) as Scott: Scott : You've had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren't you ready? Scott : How did they fake the DNA? Secret Service Agent: You don't fake DNA. You issue a press release. Scott : In the city there is always a refelection, in the woods always a sound. Curtis : What about the desert? Scott : You don't wanna go to the desert. Scott : You need to set your motherfucker to "receive". Curtis : I fucked up. I tried to help. Scott : That's usually when people fuck up. Curtis : I saw the sign. Scott : Then you are truly blessed. Scott : What they gotcha teachin' here, young sergeant? Jackie Black : Edged weapons, sir. Knife fighting. Scott : Don't you teach 'em knife fighting. Teach 'em to kill. That way, they meet some sonofabitch who studied knife fighting, they send his soul to hell. Grace : Yeah, I always knew you Marines were a weepy buncha motherfuckers. Scott : I got something in my eye. Grace : Nice knife. Scott : Yeah. Got it off an East German fella. Grace : He give it to ya for a gift? Scott : No. As I recall, he was... rather reluctant to part with it. Scott : You wanted to go through the looking glass. How was it? Was it more fun than miniature golf? Curtis : I saw the sign. [draws the Picasso symbol on the hood of a car] Curtis : Sir. Scott : You saw the sign? You were up for a week. You coulda seen Jack Ruby. You don't know what you saw your first time out. Curtis : Sir, I know what I saw. Scott : You didn't see no sign baby, 'cause she wasn't there. The hardest thing, y'know what it is? It isn't going in the door, it's coming out. You ever come down offa drugs? The most powerful drug in the world is adrenaline. I told you everything I know. Stand down. Zimmer : I think you broke my arm! Scott : [slams his arm against the side of a dumpster] Now it's broken. Scott : You're gonna leave your life or you're gonna leave the information in this room. Movie Title: The Real McCoy (1993) as J.T. Barker: [J.T. Barker comes out of the bank and is questioned what he was doing in there. He said he was closing up his account] Bad Guy: What the hell are you gonna do with a 152 dollars? We're taking 18 God damn million dollars out of here on Thursday! J.T. Barker : I know that. I just don't wanna split *my* 152 dollars 4 ways... [Karen McCoy tries to fire the gun in a gunfight] Karen McCoy : You didn't load the gun? J.T. Barker : You told me to buy it, not to load it. J.T. Barker : Do you think that jerk Roy do a better job raising your boy than you? Karen McCoy : At least Roy is his father. At least he has a chance of a normal life with him... J.T. Barker : Normal? What's not normal about getting on an airplane with your mam and go down to Rio with 3 million bucks? J.T. Barker : How many of these creeps have you got in your life? J.T. Barker : That's right she's your mama. You're her son. We're rich. Let's go to Rio. Movie Title: Thunderheart (1992) as Ray Levoi: [To a dog] Ray Levoi : James Looks Twice, you're under arrest. Shape-shift, you can have some milk. Ray Levoi : James Looks Twice, you're under arrest. Shape-shift, you can have some milk. Richard Yellow Hawk : You better watch yourself pal, I'm the FBI round here. Full blooded Indian. Walter Crow Horse : License and registration? Ray Levoi : Blow me. Walter Crow Horse : Hey, this is *my* jurisdiction now. And you were going 59 in a 55 zone. Ray Levoi : Let me see the radar. Walter Crow Horse : I don't need no radar, I can tell! I just listen to the wind; it said, "Fifty-nine, nail 'im!" Walter Crow Horse : License and registration? Ray Levoi : Blow me. Walter Crow Horse : Hey, this is *my* jurisdiction now. And you were going 59 in a 55 zone. Ray Levoi : Let me see the radar. Walter Crow Horse : I don't need no radar, I can tell! I just listen to the wind; it said, "Fifty-nine, nail 'im!" Ray Levoi : She can explain to me about shape-shifting, and I can explain to her about the airplane. Maggie: You asshole! Movie Title: True Romance (1993) as Mentor: Mentor : You think a cop gives a fuck about a pimp? Listen. Every pimp in the world gets shot. Two in the back of the fuckin' head. Cops'd throw a party, man. Mentor : Clarence, I like you. Always have. Always will. Mentor : I gotta hand it to you Clarence. Clarence Worley : I was cool? Mentor : Naw man you were cooler than cool. Movie Title: The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996) as Montgomery: Edward Douglas : Are you a doctor? Montgomery : Well, I'm more of a vet. [On why Dr. Moreau left the U.S.] Montgomery : Animal rights activists drove him out of the States. Got so bad you couldn't cage a rat without reading him his rights. [When Edward Douglas attempts to radio for help] Montgomery : What are you going to say? "Mayday. Mayday. I'm being held by a pig lady." Movie Title: Tombstone (1993) as Doc Holliday: Curly Bill : Wyatt Earp, huh? I heard of you. Ike Clanton : Listen, Mr. Kansas Law-dog. Law Don't go around her. Savvy? Wyatt Earp : I'm retired. Curly Bill : Good. That's real good. Ike Clanton : Yeah, that's good, Mr. Law-dog,'cause law don't go around here. Wyatt Earp : I heard you the first time. Curly Bill : Shut up, Ike. [Ringo steps up to Doc] Johnny Ringo : And you must be Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday : That's the rumor. Johnny Ringo : You retired, too? Doc Holliday : Not me. I'm in my prime. Johnny Ringo : Yeah, you look it. Doc Holliday : And you must be Ringo. Look, Darling, Johnny Ringo. The Deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say. What do you Think, darling? Should I hate him? Kate: You don't even know him. Doc Holliday : Yes, but there's just something About him. Something around the eyes, I don't know, reminds me Of... me. No. I'm sure of it, I Hate him. Wyatt Earp : (to Ringo): He's drunk. Doc Holliday : In vino veritas. Johnny Ringo : Age quod agis. Doc Holliday : Credat Judaeus Apella. [Ringo pats his gun] Johnny Ringo : Ecentus stultorum magister. [Doc gives a Cheshire cat smile] Doc Holliday : In pace requiescat. White: Come on now. We don't want any Trouble in here. Not in any language. Doc Holliday : Evidently Mr. Ringo's an educated Man. Now I really hate him. Doc Holliday : Why Kate, You're not wearing a bustle. How lewd. Ike Clanton : What is that Holiday? Twelve hands in a row? Ain't nobody that lucky. Doc Holliday : Why Ike, whatever do you mean? Maybe poker's just not your game. I know! Let's have a spelling contest! Doc Holliday : What do you want Wyatt? Wyatt Earp : Just to live a normal life. Doc Holliday : There is no normal life, there's just life, ya live it. Wyatt Earp : I don't know how. Doc Holliday : Sure ya do, say goodbye to me, go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that and don't look back. Live every second, live right on through the end. Live Wyatt, live for me. Wyatt, if you were ever truly my friend, or if ya ever had just the slightest of feelin' for me, leave now, leave now, please. Wyatt Earp : Thanks for always being there, Doc. Doc Holliday : It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds. Johnny Ringo : Isn't anyone here man enough to play for blood? Doc Holliday : I'm your huckleberry. Wyatt Earp : How are you? Doc Holliday : I'm dying, how are you? Sherman McMasters : Where is he? Doc Holliday : Down by the creek, walking on water. Billy Clanton : Stephen Foster. "Oh, Susannah", "Camptown Races". Stephen stinking Foster. Doc Holliday : Ah, yes. Well, this happens to be a nocturne. Billy Clanton : A which? Doc Holliday : You know, Frederic fucking Chopin. Morgan Earp : Look at all the stars. You look up and you think, "God made all this and He remembered to make a little speck like me." It's kind of flattering, really. Billy Clanton : Why, it's the drunk piano player. You're so drunk, you can't hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seeing double. [Billy Clanton draws a knife, and Doc Holliday takes out a second gun] Doc Holliday : I have two guns, one for each of ya. Doc Holliday : [to Johnny Ringo] Why Johnny Ringo, you look like someone just walked over your grave. [Wyatt Earp has just found out that the devil in a play was performed by a woman] Wyatt Earp : Well, I'll be damned. Doc Holliday : You may indeed, if you get lucky. Doc Holliday : I have not yet begun to defile myself. Doc Holliday : It's true, you are a good woman. Then again, you may be the antichrist. Wyatt Earp : What makes a man like Ringo, Doc? Doc Holliday : A man like Ringo has got a great big hole, right in the middle of himself. And he can never steal enough, or kill enough, or cause enough pain to fill it up. And so he walks the earth, forever seeking retribution... Wyatt Earp : For what? Doc Holliday : Being born. Doc Holliday : You must be Ringo. [to Big Nose Kate] Doc Holliday : Look, darlin', it's Johnny Ringo. Deadliest pistolier since Wild Bill, they say. What do you think, darlin', should I hate him? Johnny Ringo : My fight's not with you, Holliday. Doc Holliday : I beg to differ, sir. We started a game we never got to finish. "Play For Blood" - remember? Johnny Ringo : Oh that. That was just foolin' about. Doc Holliday : I wasn't. Doc Holliday : You know, if I didn't think you were my friend, Ed, I don't think I could bare it. Turkey Creek Jack Johnson : Why do you do it? Doc Holliday : Wyatt is my friend. Turkey Creek Jack Johnson : Friend? Hell, I got lots of friends. Doc Holliday : I don't. Doc Holliday : [to Johnny Ringo, after shooting him in a duel] You're no daisy! Doc Holliday : [after killing Johnny Ringo] It would appear that the strain was more than he could bear. Virgil Earp : What the Hell kinda town is this? Morgan Earp : Nice scenery. Doc Holliday : Well, an enchanted moment. Josephine Marcus : Interesting little scene. I wonder who that tall drink of water is. Mr. Fabian : My dear you've set your gaze upon the quintessential frontier type. Note the lean silhouette... eyes closed by the sun, they're sharp as a hawk. He's got the look of both predator and prey. Josephine Marcus : I want one. Mr. Fabian : Happy hunting. Johnny Ringo : You must be Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday : That's the rumor. Johnny Ringo : Are you retired too? Doc Holliday : Not me. I'm in my prime. Doc Holliday : Very cosmopolitan. Doc Holliday : Forgive me if I don't shake hands. Doc Holliday : Oh. Johnny, I apologize; I forgot you were there. You may go now. Doc Holliday : I stand corrected, Wyatt. You're an oak. Turkey Creek Jack Johnson : Nobody move! Doc Holliday : Nonsense. By all means, move. Doc Holliday : Weave a circle round him thrice, / And close your eyes with holy dread, / For he on honey-dew hath fed, / And drunk the milk of Paradise. Wyatt Earp : Sheriff Behan, have you met Doc Holliday? Doc Holliday : Piss on you, Wyatt. Doc Holliday : Why Johnny Tyler! You madcap! Johnny Tyler : Doc? Doc Holliday : Where you goin' with that shotgun? Movie Title: Saturday Night Live 80 (1975) as Iceman: Chris Kattan : Eminem, don't care where you melt. But today you get the rude award. Iceman : You guys are dangerous. Iceman : [as Iceman] You guys are dangerous. Pilot: Tom, I'm gonna ask you to stop saying that. Iceman : Hell of a bird, had this baby up to mach 3 yesterday. Pilot: You were going mach 3 on a 727? Iceman : I was shaving with a Mach 3. When you shave with a Mach 3, you have no time to think. You think, you're dead. Movie Title: Top Gun (1986) as Iceman: Iceman : You two really are cowboys. Maverick : What's your problem, Kazanski? Iceman : You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous. Maverick : That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous. Iceman : The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room. Iceman : You can be my wingman any time. Maverick : Bullshit! You can be mine. Charlie : So lieutenant where exactly were you? Maverick : Well, we... Goose : Thankyou. Maverick : Started up on a 6, when he pulled from the clouds, and then I moved in above him. Charlie : Well, if you were directly above him, how could you see him? Maverick : Because I was inverted. Iceman : [coughs whilst saying] Bullshit. Goose : No he was man, it was a really great move. Charlie : You were in a 4g inverted dive with a Mig28? Maverick : Yes maam. Charlie : At what range? Maverick : Um, about 2 metres. Goose : It was actually about 1 and a half I think. It was 1 and a half, I've got a great Polaroid of it, and he's right there, must be 1 and a half. Maverick : Was a nice picture. Goose : Thanks. Charlie : Eh lieutenant, what were you doing there? Goose : Communicating. Maverick : Communicating. Keeping up foriegn relations. You know, giving him the bird! Goose : It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied its time for the big one. Iceman : You think you can handle that Maverick? Maverick : It's just a walk in the park Kazanski. |
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