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 Jerry Seinfeld Quotation"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy." (About pregnancy and babies) "It's like getting ready for your own birth. Nothing prepares you ... When those eyes meet your eyes -- I was feeling things I never had feelings like before. I never loved anyone so much at first meeting. I love her so much! But! - Let's make no mistake why these babies come here: to replace us. Their first words are 'Mama,' 'Dada' and 'Bye-bye.' We'll see who's wearing the diapers when this is all over." Movie Title: Seinfeld (1990) as Jerry: Cosmo Kramer : The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus. Jerry : Wow. George Costanza : You're Batman. Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop. Jerry : You kept making all the stops? Cosmo Kramer : Well, people kept ringing the bell. [Answering the phone] Jerry : If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello? George Costanza : Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman? Newman : I'm a United States postal worker. George Costanza : Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? Newman : Sometimes. Jerry : Why is that? Newman : Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day. Jerry : All right, all right. Jerry : Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year? Newman : As a matter of fact, I did. Jerry : Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame. Newman : Hello Jerry, may I come in? Jerry : HELLOOOO, NEWMAN. [repeated lines] Newman : Hello, Jerry. Jerry : Hello, Newman. Cosmo Kramer : Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious. Jerry : That's true. Cosmo Kramer : It's very refreshing. Jerry : Oh, this is interesting... Elaine : What? Jerry : Jane's topless. [everyone takes a look] Cosmo Kramer : Yo yo ma. Jerry : Boutros Boutros Ghali... Elaine : Nice rack. Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times? Jerry : Yes. [hangs up] Elaine : All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour. Jerry : You're serious? Elaine : Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship. Jerry : Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to. Jerry : Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. [Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)] Jerry : I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see... a nipple. Jerry : I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Jerry : I don't understand. Do you have my reservation? Car Rental Assisstant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars. Jerry : But the reservation keeps the car here, that's why you have the reservation. Car Rental Assisstant: I think I know why we have reservations. Jerry : I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them. Elaine : You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. Jerry : I went out with you. Elaine : That's because my standards are too low. Newman : I'm a United States Postal Worker. George Costanza : Aren't those the guys that always go crazy, come back with a gun and shoot everybody? Newman : Sometimes. Jerry : Why is that? Newman : Because the mail never stops. Every day it piles up, more and more and more, and you've got to get it out, and the more you get out, the more keeps coming in. And then the barcode reader breaks. And it's Publisher's Clearing House... Jerry : All right, all right. Jerry : You can't keep avoiding her. George Costanza : Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. Cosmo Kramer : They're trying to screw with your head. Jerry : Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head? Cosmo Kramer : Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know. Cosmo Kramer : They're redoing the Cloud Club. Jerry : Oh, the restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? That's a good idea. Cosmo Kramer : Of course it is, it's my idea. Jerry : Which part, renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part? Jerry : Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again. Rental car representative: Would you like insurance? Jerry : Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car. Jerry : You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved. Jerry : You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony? George Costanza : Yeah, yeah, I see the irony. Jerry : You will be stunned. Elaine : Stunned by soup? Jerry : You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle. George Costanza : The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish. Jerry : Mammal. George Costanza : Whatever. Cosmo Kramer : Well, what did you do next? George Costanza : Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. [George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball] Cosmo Kramer : What is that, a Titleist? [George nods] Cosmo Kramer : Hole in one, huh? George Costanza : I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances. Jerry : You have made some good exits. [Jerry, Marla, George, and Stacey meet] Marla: Jerry. Jerry : George, Marla. George Costanza : Marla. Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey. Jerry : Stacey. Stacey: Jerry. Jerry : George, Stacey. George Costanza : Stacey. Stacey: George. Jerry : George. George Costanza : Jerry... Marla... Stacey! George Costanza : I love you, Jer. Jerry : Right back at you, slick. Jerry : I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes. Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person? Jerry : No, it offends me as a comedian. George Costanza : (to jerry) they forgot my bread. Jerry : (under his breath) Just forget it, let it go George Costanza : Excuse me sir, you forgot my bread. Soup Nazi: Bread 2 dollars extra George Costanza : But everyone else got free bread. Soup Nazi: You want bread? George Costanza : Yes, please Soup Nazi: 3 DOLLARS. NO SOUP FOR YOU. [about a free sub card] Elaine : It's like a bad movie but you want to finish it. Jerry : No, you walk out. Elaine : It's like a bad book but you want to get to the end. Jerry : No, you wait for the movie. George Costanza : Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it. Jerry : They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages. George Costanza : Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together. Cosmo Kramer : It's a write-off for them. Jerry : How is it a write-off? Cosmo Kramer : They just write it off. Jerry : You don't even know what a write-off is. Cosmo Kramer : Do you? Jerry : No, I don't. Cosmo Kramer : But they do, and they're the ones writing it off. Jerry : To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party. George Costanza : What kind of a person are you? Jerry : I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful. George Costanza : Jerry, what gives you pleasure? Jerry : Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure. George Costanza : I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense. Jerry : Cheapness is not a sense. Jerry : I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp. [At the Puerto Rican Day Parade] Jerry : You can't just leave the group. Elaine : Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios. Jerry : This isn't a good time. Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back sir? Jerry : I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later? Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that. Jerry : Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home. [hangs up the phone] Jerry : I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me. George Costanza : No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there. Jerry : They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry. George Costanza : Blackberry, boysenberry. Jerry : Boysenberry, huckleberry. George Costanza : Huckleberry, raspberry. Jerry : Raspberry, strawberry. George Costanza : Strawberry, cranberry. Jerry : [pause] Peach. Jerry : Ah, you're crazy. Cosmo Kramer : Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? Jerry : It's impossible. Cosmo Kramer : Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top? Jerry : It can't be. Cosmo Kramer : Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you? Jerry : All right, that's enough. Jerry : Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. Cosmo Kramer : Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you. Jerry : Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me. Cosmo Kramer : Not as many as there used to be. Jerry : The answering machine is like a relationship barometer. George Costanza : What IS a barometer? Cosmo Kramer : It's pronounced thermometer. Cosmo Kramer : I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look. Jerry : Crook eye? George Costanza : Stink eye? Cosmo Kramer : EVIL eye. Cosmo Kramer : What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year. Jerry : It's your third day. Cosmo Kramer : I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [Walks out] Jerry : [Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late. Jerry : People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax. Jerry : Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. [Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President] Elaine : Who are they running against? Jerry : Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair. Jerry : Yada, Yada, Yada. Jerry : Where's Marcy? George Costanza : She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. Cosmo Kramer : You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist. Jerry : I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'. Cosmo Kramer : Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength. Jerry : You know you're not Chinese. Jerry : I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better. [Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii] Newman : Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier. Jerry : I tried my best! Newman : *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform. [Newman rips USPS patch off of coat] Jerry : You know, this is your coat. Newman : [looks at torn patch] Damn. Alton Benes: Which one's suppose to be the funny guy? George Costanza : [pointing at Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian. Jerry : I'm just a regular person. George Costanza : No, no. He's just being modest. Alton Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. [long pause] Alton Benes: There's nothing funny about that. Elaine : My father thought George was gay. Jerry : It must have been the singing. Elaine : No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay. Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack. Jerry : I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza. Jerry : What are you saying? Elaine : I'm not saying anything. Jerry : You're saying something. Elaine : What could I be saying? Jerry : Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something. Elaine : If I were saying something, I would have said it. Jerry : So why don't you say it? Elaine : I said it. Jerry : What did you say? Elaine : Nothing. Jerry : I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall? George Costanza : You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting. Jerry : To Latvian Orthodox? George Costanza : Yeah, why not, what do I care... Jerry : Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes. Elaine : I think it would be romantic. George Costanza : Really? Elaine : Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh. George Costanza : King Edward. [snapping fingers] George Costanza : Like King Edward, Jerry! Jerry : Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza. George Costanza : I like DeSoto. Jerry : DeSoto? What did he do? George Costanza : He discovered Mississippi. Jerry : Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway. Elaine : Is it possible I'm not attractive as I think I am? Jerry : Anything's possible. Jerry : Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea. Cosmo Kramer : Giddyup. Jerry : Now, get out. Cosmo Kramer : Well, you got insurance, right? Jerry : No. Cosmo Kramer : Well, why not? Jerry : Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door... [closes door] Jerry : MUST BE CLOSED. [Jerry is in a confessional booth] Jerry : Father, I've never done this before, so I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do. Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins. Jerry : Well, I'm Jewish. Priest: Well that's no sin,. Jerry : Oh... Jerry : Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal. Cosmo Kramer : It's not illegal. Jerry : It's against the law. Cosmo Kramer : Well, yeah... Jerry : Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life. Elaine : Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to? Cosmo Kramer : Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine. George Costanza : Celia is up for parole. Cosmo Kramer : [looks at George] Who? George Costanza : [looks at Kramer] What? [both look at Jerry for an explanation] Jerry : I'm too tired. Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else? Jerry : Because you're *not* a dermatologist. Jerry : [imitates his girlfriends' bellybutton] Helllllooooo. La, la, la. Jerry : That... is one magic loogie. Jerry : I prefer to do my own material. Cosmo Kramer : That's as good as anything you do. [Kramer gave blood to Jerry] Jerry : I can feel his blood in my body, borrowing things from my blood. Jerry : Hello, 911? How are ya? [At the diner] George Costanza : Are you going to eat that? [takes a bite] George Costanza : Hmmm. Jerry : Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms. George Costanza : Are you going to eat that? Jerry : No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it. Jerry : Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people? Cosmo Kramer : They want to know how come they never see you. Jerry : Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge. George Costanza : This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend. Jerry : Well, your friend is morbidly obese. George Costanza : Well, at least I don't carry a purse. Jerry : It's not a purse, it's European. Jerry : So, Putty, you're selling cars now. No more being a grease monkey. David Putty: I don't much care for that term. Jerry : Oh. David Putty: Ever see a monkey put together an engine? Jerry : No... I saw one who used sign language. David Putty: ...Yeah... I saw that... Cocoa. Jerry : Yeah, Cocoa. David Putty: Yeah, Cocoa... That chimp's all right. High five. Jerry : I'm not wearing the fur coat. Cosmo Kramer : Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building. Jerry : Hmm... Cosmo Kramer : Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around. Jerry : [thinks for a few seconds] Newman too? Cosmo Kramer : Come on. Ronny K: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her. Jerry : Damn right. It's time we stop being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand. Ronny K: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me. Jerry : Well, that shouldn't be long... [in Jerry's apartment] Jerry : Why did you have to open your big mouth? Cosmo Kramer : What? Jerry : George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this. Cosmo Kramer : You're just mad because you're having a bad day. Jerry : Yes. Because of you. Cosmo Kramer : Well, in that case I think one of us should leave. [Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move] Jerry : A house in the Hamptons? George Costanza : Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons. [Kramer walks in with cigars] Cosmo Kramer : Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time. George Costanza : Why? Cosmo Kramer : You remember that coffee table book I wrote? Jerry : Yeah. Cosmo Kramer : Well, the company sold the movie rights to it. George Costanza : How are they going to make that book into a movie? Cosmo Kramer : You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day". Jerry : Oh. So, how much are they paying you? Cosmo Kramer : Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time. Jerry : That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time. Cosmo Kramer : I'm officially retired. Jerry : From what? Jerry : [about Kramer] If you feed him, he'll never leave. [George peed in a public shower] George Costanza : It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal. Jerry : Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine? Jerry : You know, I never expected that movie... Lisi: To end under water. Jerry : To be so long. Usually movies like that... Lisi: Are a lot more violent. Jerry : Are a lot shorter. Lisi: I should... Jerry : Get going. [Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages] Jerry : What's this? You said you were watching a video. Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage. Jerry : Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car? Cosmo Kramer : [without hesitating] Sure. Jerry : Could've said just about anything, couldn't I? [Jerry notices an art book on the table] Jerry : What is THAT book doing on the table? Elaine : What? What is wrong with this book? Jerry : That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom. Elaine : ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through. Jerry : [to George] You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum. Cosmo Kramer : No, she was completely topless. George Costanza : How good of a look did you get? Jerry : What do you mean? George Costanza : Say you were to describe her to a police informant. Jerry : They'd pick her up in about ten minutes. [Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"] Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me. Jerry : You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice. [Knock on door] Jerry : [opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes? Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld? Jerry : Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars? Cuban Man: What cigars? Jerry : Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans. Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans. Jerry : [to Elaine] And yet, we've discovered another talent - posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals. Jerry : Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce. Newman : I love broccoli. It's good for you. Jerry : Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece? Newman : Gladly. [Newman spits it out] Newman : Vile weed! Cosmo Kramer : You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away. Jerry : Walk away? Cosmo Kramer : You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free. Jerry : Isn't there a deductible? Cosmo Kramer : All right, what is your deductible? Jerry : I don't know. Cosmo Kramer : Yes, because they've already deducted it. Jerry : From what? Cosmo Kramer : The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car. Jerry : We're not leaving the car. Cosmo Kramer : All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf. Jerry : I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations. Jerry : 1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass. Jerry : So, did they get tired of Koko yet? George Costanza : Oh yeah. [holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"] Jerry : Zero zero? George Costanza : That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa. [The last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot] Jerry : See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. George Costanza : Really? Jerry : Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land. George Costanza : Haven't we had this conversation before? Jerry : You think? George Costanza : I think we have. Jerry : Yeah, maybe we have. Elaine : So you think Puddy actually believes in something? Jerry : It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets. Elaine : Yes, he is lazy. Jerry : Plus, he probably doesn't know how to change the buttons. Elaine : Yes, he is dumb. Jerry : So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious? Elaine : Dumb and lazy I understand... [George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"] Jerry : Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life. Jerry : [about David Puddy] Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies. George Costanza : I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker. Jerry : The Daily Worker has personals? George Costanza : And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important. Jerry : Yours or hers? Cosmo Kramer : See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier. Jerry : And a deadbolt. Elaine : Where's Kramer? Jerry : Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo. [George is buying a wig] Jerry : Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with? Newman : I propose... AN ALLIANCE. Jerry : An alliance?... Deal. [Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh] Jerry : [stops laughing abruptly] Now, get the hell out of here. George Costanza : What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game? Jerry : You do make good comments. George Costanza : So? Jerry : Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting. George Costanza : [pause] Well that's really not fair. Jerry : I know. George Costanza : But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve? Jerry : So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence? George Costanza : Flame on. Izzy Mandelbaum: Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian. Jerry : Actually, I am a comedian. Izzy Mandelbaum: That's not funny. [George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine] Jerry : [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there. George Costanza : People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up. Jerry : Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. [Kramer and Newman are playing Risk] Elaine : What's that? Jerry : It's the game of global domination being played by two men who can barely run their own lives. Jerry : Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you. George Costanza : But they seemed so disorganized... [George is wearing prescription goggles] George Costanza : I got to get out of this city. Jerry : So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth? George Costanza : Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work. Jerry : I've never had a job. [Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even] Elaine : Do you have a twenty? Jerry : What for? Elaine : Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. [Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window] Jerry : You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back... George Costanza : Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open? Jerry : Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind. George Costanza : You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in. [leaves] Jerry : Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in? Cosmo Kramer : Yeah. Jerry : Really? Cosmo Kramer : Well, you don't just go around killing people. Jerry : But you know me! Cosmo Kramer : I thought that I did. George Costanza : You know what this is to do with? The man in the cape - I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes. Jerry : You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I stand by and let you say anything bad about him... George Costanza : All right - Superman's the exception. Jerry : Why didn't you tell her your code? George Costanza : I can't give away my code to her. Jerry : George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably. George Costanza : No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone". Jerry : So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now? George Costanza : Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish? Jerry : Actually, that's the definition of selfish. Jerry : So your saying UNICEF is a scam? Cosmo Kramer : It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change. Jerry : Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there. Elaine : So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable? Jerry : UNDATABLE. Elaine : So how are all these people gettin' together? Jerry : Alcohol. George Costanza : I gotta call Elaine. Jerry : She's out. George Costanza : Oh, yeah. The blind date. Jerry : They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers. Cosmo Kramer : I bought a chicken. George Costanza : [to Jerry] Allow me. [to Kramer] George Costanza : Why? Cosmo Kramer : Cage-free farm-fresh eggs. Jerry : [to George] Allow me. [to Kramer] Jerry : What are you, an idiot? [George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone] Jerry : Why not "G-Bone"? George Costanza : There's no G-Bone. Jerry : There's a g-spot. George Costanza : HEY. That's a myth. Elaine : Jerry, it's B.O. Jerry : But the whole car smells. Elaine : So? Jerry : So when somebody has BO, the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it. Cosmo Kramer : I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman. Jerry : Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made. George Costanza : So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before. Jerry : Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend... George Costanza : Yes, yes, yes... Jerry : The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk... George Costanza : OK, the point is made. Jerry : The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... [George leaves] Jerry : The bad tipper. [Kramer covers himself in butter] Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, I'm fried. Jerry : Technically, you're sautéed. [George is thinking of starting his own charity] George Costanza : This could be my chance to give something back. Jerry : You want to give something back, start with the $20,000. Jerry : You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle. Jerry : So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you. George Costanza : They could've at least tried... Jerry : No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute. George Costanza : How much are you paying this maid? Jerry : $40. George Costanza : $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing. George Costanza : Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans. Jerry : Those belong to people. Jerry : [to Elaine] See... I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me? Cosmo Kramer : Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand. Jerry : People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings. George Costanza : And to think I'd fail at failing... Jerry : Aw, come on, now. George Costanza : I feel like I cant do anything wrong. Jerry : Nonsense. You do everything wrong. George Costanza : You think so? Jerry : Absolutely. I have no confidence in you. George Costanza : Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again. Jerry : That's the spirit. You suck. Jerry : It's Jerry. Who's this? Valerie: It's Valerie. Jerry : Oh hi, Valerie. What's up? Valerie: I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you. Jerry : Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one. Hello? [Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment] Jerry : Why don't you watch it at your place? Cosmo Kramer : I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN. Jerry : You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate. Newman : What? I love broccoli. Jerry : Oh yeah? Taste. [Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up] Newman : Vile weed. Jerry : You got the job? George Costanza : Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view. Jerry : Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped? George Costanza : Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me. Jerry : Ho-How can you do this? George Costanza : Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal. Jerry : Is she? Cosmo Kramer : Oh you better believe it buddy. Jerry : Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing. Cosmo Kramer : Well don't look at me. Jerry : It's your fault. Cosmo Kramer : My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people. Cosmo Kramer : Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted. Jerry : Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months. Cosmo Kramer : [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans. Girlfriend: You're insane. Jerry : Oh yes, quite. [Kramer enters] Jerry : Of course, it's a sliding scale. Jerry : I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it. Girlfriend: When were you going to tell me this? Jerry : Obviously never. George Costanza : I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time [Jerry interrupts] Jerry : George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on. Jerry : Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings. George Costanza : What do you care what she thinks? Jerry : Good body. Elaine : Well, I'm going to hell. Jerry : That seems about right. Dr. Siterides: Wow, restaurant. Flowers... Jerry : Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business? Dr. Siterides: It's fine. Jerry : Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man. Dr. Siterides: What is with you? Jerry : You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD. [Elaine is trying to put a store out of business] Elaine : Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun? [to Jerry] Elaine : That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents. Jerry : Still a ripoff. [Jerry is checking out an upper-class apartment] Sales Woman: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist. Jerry : Not Pennypacker. Sales Woman: You know him? Jerry : I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen. [at a New York Marathon party] Jerry : [discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building] You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. [Points to himself] Jerry : This is an idiot. George Costanza : Is that right? [showing him up] George Costanza : I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots. Roxanne: [yelling out the window] You're all winners! George Costanza : But suddenly, a new contender has emerged... Jerry : George, I am loving this no wallet thing. George Costanza : A man carries a wallet. Jerry : You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something. Jerry : [to Newman] I'll do it. For whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me. [Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car] George Costanza : So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo? Elaine : I did. Jerry : And the Christian rock? Elaine : Resurrected. Girlfriend: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor. Jerry : You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story? Girlfriend: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit. Jerry : All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody. Morty Seinfeld: We just came for the funeral. Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early. Jerry : He was 96 years old. Morty Seinfeld: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape. Jerry : So how's the fornicating gourmet? George Costanza : Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate. Jerry : George, we're trying to have a civilization here. Jerry : I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander. George Costanza : What is a gander, anyway? Jerry : It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it. [Kramer's face is haggard from smoking] Jerry : It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect? Cosmo Kramer : Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face. Jerry : And your teeth... they're all brown. Cosmo Kramer : Look away. I'm hideous. Cosmo Kramer : You know, they botched my vasectomy? Jerry : They botched it? Cosmo Kramer : I'm even more potent now. Jerry : You're giving up that easily? Newman : I usually do. Jerry : Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too. Jerry : You with these too? George Costanza : I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method - he jumps. Jerry : Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich. [Jerry cries for the first time] Jerry : What is this salty discharge? Jerry : I hear that all the time. Elaine : What? Jerry : That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. Elaine : People ask me that about you all the time. Jerry : Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat. George Costanza : Guess that leaves me in the clear... George Costanza : Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends... Jerry : That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends. [pauses] Jerry : Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either... Jerry : What is his stand... on abortion? Elaine : Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice... Jerry : How do you know? Elaine : Because he, well, he's just so good looking... Jerry : Well, you should probably ask, because if he's coming over with those Paccino's Pizzas, could be trouble... George Costanza : And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine. Jerry : That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add... Jerry : [about to go watch an operation] Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up. [Jerry nearly drowns the pool guy] Elaine : How can you show your face around there? Jerry : Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there. [Elaine's boyfriend is poor] George Costanza : Who is this, Blue Arrow? Elaine : No, the Green Lantern. Jerry : His superpower is lack of money. Elaine : All right. Jerry : He's invulnerable to creditors. Elaine : We get it. Jerry : He's the "Got No Green" Lantern. George Costanza : I got to go home and take a nap. Jerry : It's 10:30 in the morning. George Costanza : I'll tell you, I am wiped. Jerry : Why are you buttering your face? Cosmo Kramer : I'm shaving with it. Jerry : Oh Moses, smell the roses. [Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour] George Costanza : I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real. Cosmo Kramer : Talk to me. George Costanza : But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you. Cosmo Kramer : Understand? Jerry : Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers. Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment? Jerry : I could ballpark... [Kramer has an intern] Intern: Mr. Newman on line 2... Jerry : Line 2? Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, your phone is line 1. [George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system] George Costanza : Did you get the video camera? Jerry : Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Cosmo Kramer : You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box. Jerry : That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora." Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, well, she had one too. Elaine : Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place? Jerry : I'd say when the nipple makes it's first appearance. George Costanza : And I got a job interview. It's in sports. Jerry : Mets? Rangers? George Costanza : Playground equipment. Jerry : Welcome back to the show. George Costanza : I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today. Jerry : Didn't you call in sick yesterday? George Costanza : Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care... and it shows. Jerry : [about Newman] He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys... Elaine Benes : Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye. Jerry : No, there's less. Jerry : Oh right, the new job. How is it? George Costanza : I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm. Jerry : So who's the new you? George Costanza : We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school. Elaine : Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you? Jerry : I'm a comedian. Jerry : Who knows where she gets any of those losers... George Costanza : You're on that list. Elaine : I got shooshed during Desperado. Jerry : Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado... [Jerry's girlfriend has a huge toy collection] Jerry : WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit... Girlfriend: Jerry, what are you doing? Jerry : I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink. George Costanza : I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery. Jerry : Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise. George Costanza : I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance? Jerry : Elaine danced? George Costanza : More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music. [Kramer is playing opera music on Jerry's stereo] Jerry : What the hell is that crap? Cosmo Kramer : It's Pagliacci, Jerry. [Jerry's on the phone with the cops] Jerry : But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye. George Costanza : They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry. Jerry : Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour. [about Elaine dating Puddy] Cosmo Kramer : She's dating him again? Jerry : She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order. [Tim Whatley converted to Judaism] Jerry : Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him. [Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes] Jerry : Hola. Elaine : Shove it. Jerry : What's with the get up? Elaine : I bought it all at 'Cinqo De Mayo'. I wanted to show 'Fu De Mayo' how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day. Jerry : No wonder we've been getting so much rain... [after a long discussion about Pez] George Costanza : What's a three-letter word for "candy"? Jerry : I can't do those things. Jerry : Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes. Elaine : Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21. Jerry : Elaine, booze isn't a religion. Elaine : Tell that to my father... [after Kramer tells everyone he is dating a lesbian] Jerry : She has never been with a man in her entire life. Cosmo Kramer : ...I'm Kramer. George Costanza : You've got to apologize. Jerry : Why? George Costanza : Because its the mature and adult thing to do. Jerry : How does that affect me? [Jerry is dating a gymnast] Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of. Jerry : Boy, you can really talk some trash. [to George] Jerry : I guess that's better than eating it. Jerry : Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night. Elaine : I know. I woke up with this. [points to her newly-pierced nose] Jerry : Oh. Hello tetanus. Elaine : David and I will not get back together. Jerry : Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. George Costanza : All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance. Jerry : You've made some fine exits. [George's parents are getting a divorce] Jerry : It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal. George Costanza : A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry. Jerry : You walk around with no underwear. George Costanza : Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry? Jerry : I do a wash. Jerry : Is that your "chicken" making all that noise? Cosmo Kramer : Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning. Jerry : Who? Cosmo Kramer : Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you. Jerry : Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken. Cosmo Kramer : Of course it is. I picked it out myself. Jerry : Well, you picked out a rooster. Cosmo Kramer : Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production. [Kramer is putting butter on his face] Jerry : What the hell are you doing? Cosmo Kramer : I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy? [Stand-up on birthdays] Jerry : All you did was not die for twelve months! [pretending they haven't seen each other in years] George Costanza : So, what've you been doing with yourself? Jerry : I'm a comedian. George Costanza : Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor. Jerry : Yeah, yeah... [long pause] Jerry : Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you? [repeated line] Jerry : That's a shame. Jerry : Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo! Elaine : It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for? Jerry : But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home! Jerry : I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give! Jerry : It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" -there's no comeback for that! Tony : I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid? Jerry : The washer fluid is fine... Tony : The washer fluid is not fine! George Costanza : Do women know about shrinkage? Elaine : What, you mean like laundry? Jerry : No. Like when you're in a pool... afterwards... Elaine : It shrinks? Jerry : Like a frigthened turtle. Elaine : Why does it shrink? George Costanza : It just does. Elaine : I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. George Costanza : [upset] Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life! Jerry : [quietly, sipping coffee] Bad situation... Jerry : But are you still master of your domain? George Costanza : I'm king of the county. You? Jerry : I'm lord of the manor. George Costanza : So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island. Jerry : Maybe. George Costanza : This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island. Movie Title: Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn (2002) as Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld : What's the deal with parking at the Special Olympics? Is it just the two spaces? Movie Title: The Larry Sanders Show (1992) as Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld : Anyway Larry, we're going to enjoy watching you in syndication, after this. Larry : This show isn't going to be syndicated. Jerry Seinfeld : Oh that's right, that's me. |
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