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 Matthew Lillard QuotationI was like, what the hell is my life coming to? I'm a trained actor! I've done Shakespeare and here I am having farting contests with an imaginary dog! Movie Title: Senseless (1998) as Tim LaFlour: Tim LaFlour : You may not have faith in fate but, my man, fate has faith in you. Tim LaFlour : You may not have faith in fate but, my man, fate has faith in you. Movie Title: Dead Man's Curve (1998) as Tim: Tim : All through senior year Rand dates the same girl. And a week before the prom she dumped him. So it's a week before the senior prom and she says to Rand 'We should go as friends'. But Rand agrees. It gets to prom night. They've got tuxedos, limo, great reservations. Then when 7:00 rolls around, no Rand. 8:00 no Rand. 10:00 no Rand. And I can see it, mom and dad have the camcorder out, the sister gets to stay up late to see the big sister go to her prom. 11:00 no Rand to be found. But he went to the prom. But he actually took a hooker. Not one of those high-priced ones either, I'm talkin' an 'I will suck your dick for a crock rock, ten buck, on the street corner WHORE. She's wearing this corsage ordered specially for Wendy. It was Wendy's favorite. But nothing is as priceless as the prom picture. YUGH. He sitting there toothless with this FAT FUCKING WHORE. Wendy was so mortified she actually missed the last two weeks of school. She had to go to summer school to graduate. He fucked that bitch UP. Rand definitely had a mean streak in him. Movie Title: Love's Labour's Lost (2000) as Longaville: Longaville : Pray you sir, whose daughters? Boyet : Their mothers', I have heard. Movie Title: Wing Commander: Space Will Never Be the Same (1999) as Maniac: Forbes : You've got balls. Maniac : You should see 'em. Forbes : Mine are bigger. Maniac : I've been told size doesn't matter. Forbes : She lied. Movie Title: Dish Dogs (2000) as Jason: Morgan , Jason : I blame YOU for this! Movie Title: Scream (1996) as Stu: Stu : When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts? I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. Stu : As if, that's all I'm saying, as if. Randy : Oh really Alicia? Sidney Prescott : How do you - gut someone? Stu : You take a knife and split 'em from groin to sternum. Billy : It's called tact you fuckrag! Stu : I will totally protect you. Yo, I am so buff, I got you covered, girl. Sidney Prescott : Stu, Stu, what's your motive? Billy's got one, the police are on their way, what are you gonna tell them? Stu : Peer pressure, I'm far too sensitive. Stu : Did you really call the cops? Sidney Prescott : You bet your sorry ass I did. Stu : My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me! Randy : There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to survive a horror movie. First, you can never drink or do drugs. [crowd boos] Randy : Second, you can never have sex. BIG NO NO. It's a sin. It's an extension of number 1. And last, you can never, ever, ever under any circumstances say "I'll be right back," 'Cause you won't be back. Stu : I'm gettin' another beer, you want one? Randy : Sure. Stu : I'll be right back. Randy : See, you stretch the rules and you end up dead. I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife. Stu : I always had a thing for ya Sid! Sidney Prescott : In your dreams! [She drops a television on his head] Billy : You hear that Stu? I think she wants a motive. Well I don't really belive in motives Sid, I mean did Norman Bates have a motive? Stu : No. Billy : Did we ever find out why Hannibal Lector liked to eat people? DON'T THINK SO. See it's a lot scarier when there's no motive. Stu : See it's a fun game Sidney. We ask you questions and if you get one wrong, BOO-GAH, you die. Billy : You get one right, you die. Stu : And let's face it Sidney, your mother was no Sharon Stone. Movie Title: Spanish Judges (1999) as Jack: Jack : I like lying. It makes me feel all tingly inside. Movie Title: Serial Mom (1994) as Chip Sutphin / Chip: Chip Sutphin : Dad, you don't think she did it, do you? Misty Sutphin : I do! Mom's gone crazy. Eugene Sutphin : Your mother may have some problems. That's all, Chip. Chip Sutphin : If mom's psycho, Scotty will still be okay, won't he? Eugene Sutphin : We hope so, son. And no matter what your mother is, we'll love her anyway. Beverly Sutphin : Do I need a lawyer? Chip Sutphin : You need an agent. Chip : So happy I could shit. Beverly : Chip, you know how I hate the brown word. Movie Title: Mad Love (1995) as Eric: Eric : Oh yeah. I got laid. Movie Title: Thir13en Ghosts (2001) as Rafkin / Dennis Rafkin: Maggie : Promise me I can rely on you to get me out of this place alive. Rafkin : I guarantee nothing. Rafkin : I'm getting my ass out of the big glass house! Rafkin : In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a freak! I get within ten feet of anything dead, and I go into seizures, I touch anyone, and a whole lifetime of shit flashes in front of my eyes! Rafkin : If you have something to say, just say it. Kalina : Oh okay then... why don't we start with: THIS IS ALL YOUR GOD-DAMN FAULT! Rafkin : There are ghosts in the basement! Maggie : This basement? Rafkin : Of course this basement! What is it with you people? If it was the basement next door I wouldn't give a shit, would I? [Rafkin psychically probes the junkyard, then yells out in pain] Rafkin : You son of a bitch! You said he only killed 9 people, there's over 40 victims here! Cyrus : Nine while he was alive, he's added a few since then. Rafkin : Did I say there's a petting zoo in the basement? NO there are ghosts in the basement Arthur! Rafkin : I sure as hell hope I don't bleed to death. That would *suck*. Rafkin : I hate my job. Rafkin : [a ghost scares him] AHHHHHH! I HATE IT WHEN THEY DO THAT! Dennis Rafkin : I used to hunt ghosts with your uncle. Arthur Kriticos : Goats...? Dennis Rafkin : Ghosts! Arthur Kriticos : I told them not to leave this spot. Dennis Rafkin : They're kids - what do you expect? Arthur Kriticos : Yeah, well thank you Dr. Phil. Dennis Rafkin : Hey, Glass Family Robinson, you're wasting your breath! Dennis Rafkin : Oh Cyrus, you crazy son of a bitch, what did you do? Movie Title: Scooby-Doo (2002) as Shaggy: Shaggy : Who's your best buddy? Scooby Doo : Raggy Shaggy : That's right. And who's my best buddy in the whole wide world? Scooby Doo : Rooby Doo. Mary Jane : I'm Mary Jane. Shaggy : Like, that is my favorite name. Shaggy : Like, chill out, Scrappy. You didn't have to try and take over the whole world and destroy humanity. Scrappy Doo : It would have worked too if it wasn't for you meddling sons of... [door closes on him] [trapped in hot dogs] Scooby Doo : What Now? Shaggy : Let's do what we do best Scoob, eat. [Scooby bites one] Scooby Doo : It's plastic. Shaggy : What do you care? You drink out of the toilet. Scooby Doo : So do you. Scooby Doo : Why's Fred in a bad mood? Shaggy : He's not in a bad mood, Scoob, he's a monster. Shaggy : Friends don't quit. Fred : Ya better get your smack on smack on. Ya know what I'm sayin'? Shaggy : [nods, pauses] No. [Scooby accidentally hits Shaggy in the face while displaying karate movements] Shaggy : Hey, Hong Kong Fooey. Watch the fists of fury. [Talking to Scooby Doo] Shaggy : The only thing I like better than an eggplant burger is a chocolate covered eggplant burger. [Being chased by monsters] Shaggy : This is, like, the opposite of what I wanted to do today. Shaggy : [in Daphne's body] Oh, Daph. What's wrong with you? Don't you ever eat? Fred : Yo-Yo the bi-atch was like what? And I was like layta on. Shaggy : Fred. Fred : Yo. What up, dawg? [to Scooby] Fred : And, uh... dog? Scooby Doo : Keepin' it real. Shaggy : Sit grandma, bad grandma, don't eat the kitty. Scooby Doo : Raggy, rour ripped. Shaggy : Im whipped oh yeah why don't you say that to my face man. Scooby Doo : Rall Ray it right row, rour romma reats rat roop. Shaggy : No Scooby Doo your mom eats cat poop. Shaggy : Zoinks them peppers is like hot. Island Emissary : My employer would like you to solve a mystery on Spooky Island. Shaggy : Hold on, Man. We don't go anywhere with 'scary', 'spooky', 'haunted', or 'forbidden' in the title. Scooby Doo : Ror rydrocoronic. Shaggy : Or hydroclonic, but that's for a whole different reason, man. Daphne : Hey, I'm me again. Velma : [in Fred's body] Yippee for you. Shaggy : [as Velma] Man! Like why am I wearing a dress? Shaggy : Like chill out, Scooby-Doo, stop shaking. Scooby Doo : Me? That's you. Shaggy : Oh right it's me, sorry. Fred : I'm me! Daphne : I'm back. Shaggy : Like, me too. Velma : Told you so. [Shaggy pulls Daphne's protoplasm out of the vat] Daphne : Put me back, Shaggy. I'll figure a way out myself. Shaggy : Like how? Daphne : I don't know. I'll - I'll use my tongue, or I'll swim out to the edge. Shaggy : Sorry. [releases Daphne's protoplasm] Movie Title: SLC Punk! (1999) as Stevo: Stevo : Do you love her? Bob : I don't know. I'd have to think about that. Stevo : It's not really a thinking question. Stevo : You see life is like that. We change, that's all. You see, the guy I am now is not the guy I was then. If the guy I was then met the guy I am now he'd beat the shit out of me. Those are the facts. Stevo : To be an anarchist in Salt Lake City was certainly no easy task, especially in 1985. And having no money, no job, no plans for the future, the true anarchist position was in itself a strenuous job. Stevo : See, to me, England was nothing more then a big fucking American state like North Dakota or Canada. [on whether punk music started in England or America] Stevo : I don't know who started it and I don't give a fuck. The one thing I do know is that we did it harder, we did it faster, and we definitely did it with more love, baby. You can't take that away from us. Stevo : I like Sandy. Now Sandy has nothing to do with anarchy in general, she's just a beautiful, wonderful, funny, witty, loving, sexy, tough-as-nails, little weird girl, and I absolutely adore her. I like Sandy a lot. Stevo : I love you guys, don't get me wrong. But for the first time in my life I'm eighteen and I can say fuuuuck youuu. Stevo : There's nothing going on. That's what I saw when I looked out over the city: nothing. How the Mormon settlers looked upon this valley and felt that it was the promised land is beyond me. I don't know, maybe it looked different back then. Stevo : The sun never sets on the British Empire... well the sun never sets on my asshole. Stevo : It really makes you think, doesn't it, Bob? Bob : Think what? Stevo : That chemistry's the WRONG FUCKING MAJOR FOR A GUY LIKE YOU. It's the wrong major, Bob. Bob : Well you shoud still lay off the acid. Stevo : It's like fucking Jesus Christ took a shit and it landed right here, so you can be happy all you fucking want. Stevo : Posers were people who looked like punks but they did it for fashion. And they were fools, they'd say "anarchy in the UK." What the fuck's that? Anarchy in the UK. What good is that to those of us in Utah, America? It was a Sex Pistols thing. They were British, they were allowed to go on about Anarchy in the UK. You don't live your life by lyrics. Stevo : I rest my case on this: In a country of lost souls rebellion comes hard. But in a religiously oppressive city, where half it's population isn't even of that religion, it comes like fire. Stevo : [about the "beat the shit" out of a guy who was having sex with his female friend] It wasn't that I loved Sandy, I knew that we had an understanding. But I discovered then that Chris was right, all things had systems, even me. I was about to beat the living shit out of this guy because he had invaded my territory. It was MY territory, no question about it, just like in the wild. I was following nature, and nature was order and order is the system. Stevo : [To Mark who is leaving Salt Lake City] If you ever get lonely, if you ever need someone to talk to... Bob's here for you. Mark : Hey Stevo. [good naturedly] Mark : Fuck you. Stevo , Bob : Noooo. Fuuuccckkkk yooouuuuuuu. [handing Stevo a bag of weed] Mark : Here you go, but be careful, that stuff'll make you stupid. [Stevo throws his beer and yells] Stevo : FUCK YOU. Mark : Well, stupider than you already are. Stevo : Only fucking posers, die, man. Mark : Now you see the problem with water beds is that they have these waves like this, [makes motions of waves with hands] Mark : Right? But you see this water bed is special, [draws his hands across the bed] Mark : , you see? It has no waves. Stevo : Why didn't you just get a normal bed... that has no waves? [awkward silence] Mark : But this HAS no waves. Movie Title: Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004) as Shaggy: Shaggy : This is tied for the most terrifying day of my life! Velma : Tied with what? Shaggy : Every other freaking day of my life! Shaggy : We're gonna die! Daphne : Think positive! Shaggy : We're gonna die quickly! Shaggy : [to Patrick] Well, it's time we made like your personality, and split. Daphne : Guys, come on remember what I told you? Shaggy : Never pick in nose in public. Daphne : No, but that's... good too. Scooby-Doo : Rimage ris everything. Daphne : yes, image is everything. okay the whole city is watching, so try to keep a brave face. Shaggy : Huh? Daphne : Guys, they're costumes. Shaggy : She's right, Scoob, up close they look totally fake. Shaggy : [Shaggy and Scooby trying to act like real spies] Scoob, what's your conclusion? Scooby-Doo : [holds up a sketch of a bunny] Bunny! Movie Title: Summer Catch (2001) as Billy: Billy : Hey Ryan, Miles here thinks you have a nice pooper. Ryan : She was fat? Billy : This girl had strings hanging from her the last time they steered her down the street. Billy : So you mow her lawn, and now you're trying to mow her lawn? Billy : I hate wood bats, that's why they invented aluminum. Ryan : She was big huh? Billy : Yeah, she was fat and that ain't with a p-h kid! Movie Title: Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003) as Matthew Lillard: [on Lillard's portrayal of Shaggy] Shaggy : What kind of performance do you call that? You made me sound like a total space cadet, man! Matthew Lillard : I'm sorry you feel that way. I was just trying to be true to your character. Shaggy : If you, like, goof on me in the sequel, I'm coming after ya! Scooby Doo : Reah. And Ri'll rive you a Scooby Smack! [Scooby growls viciously at Lillard] Movie Title: Hackers (1995) as Cereal Killer: Cereal Killer : When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. What? It's Corinthians one, chapter thirteen verse eleven. Cereal Killer : We have just gotten a wake-up call from the Nintendo Generation. Cereal Killer : FYI man, alright. You could sit at home, and do like absolutely nothing, and your name goes through like 17 computers a day. 1984? Yeah right, man. That's a typo. Orwell is here now. He's livin' large. We have no names, man. No names. We are nameless! Cereal Killer : Spandex: it's a privilege, not a right. Teacher: Name? Cereal Killer : Emanuel Goldstein, sir. Teacher: You, however, are not on my list. Cereal Killer : This isn't woodshop? Cereal Killer : [written on a blackboard & spoken out loud] Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Ozzy Osbourne Movie Title: She's All That (1999) as Brock Hudson: Brock Hudson : It's not about disrespect, it's just gas. Brock Hudson : You didn't really think I'd leave for All-Star "Road Rules" and still be dating you? Oh, you did? That's so sweet! Movie Title: The Perfect Score (2004) as Larry: Larry : [Kyle's older brother who lives above his parents garage] Hey Kyle, here's some advice: never take advice from someone who lives above a garage. Larry : I don't live at home, I live above the garage. It's a whole separate dwelling... I've got my own phone line. |
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