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 Tina Fey Quotation"The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? (US) Why Haven't You Had A Baby? (People) And, For God's Sake Have A Baby (Time). Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need - another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up." "Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9. This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore." According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry lonely women, you'll be dead soon. Movie Title: Saturday Night Live 80 (1975) as Tina Fey: Tina Fey : At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment. Tina Fey : In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's penis. Tina Fey : The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? Why Haven't You Had A Baby? And, For God's Sake Have A Baby. Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need: another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right- I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That woulda worked out great. But Sylvia's message is feminism can't change nature, which is true. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim. Ladies, there's no reason to panic though, it's out of your control anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s when the only fertility aid was Harvey's Bristol Cream. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And, I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle, it's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby - I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was not a cute kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls... and the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid. Tina Fey : Britney Spears and John Cusack are rumored to be dating. Which goes really well 'cause Britney wants to start an acting career and John wants to bone Britney Spears. [on Weekend Update] Tina Fey : Britney Spears has married Jason Alexander. In other news, Christina Aguilera 69'd Newman. Tina Fey : The preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant's rape trial turned ugly on Thursday when Pamela Mackey, Bryant's lawyer, "accidentally" said his accuser's name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admonished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman's name five times, which is really bad, cause, what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman's name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer like, Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm, Haddon, Morgan, Muller, George, Mackey and Foreman, which is probably in the 303 area code, should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name like Joe Smith or, I don't know, Pamela Mackey, and learn everything about them and call them and mess with them. So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, 'cause I heard a rumor that you're a little unstable and you like to give wabblejobs to homeless guys, and I want you to focus up and win this trial. I'm Pamela Mackey. Back to you, Pamela Mackey. Tina Fey : In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please [blows a kiss] Movie Title: Mean Girls (2004) as Ms. Norbury: Mr. Duvall : How was your summer? Ms. Norbury : Great. I got divorced. Mr. Duvall : My carpel tunnel syndrome came back. Ms. Norbury : I win. Damian : You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide! Ms. Norbury : Thanks, Damian. Ms. Norbury : Oh, hi. Would you like to buy some drugs? Mr. Duvall : We have a new student today. All the way from Africa... Ms. Norbury : [to black Michigan girl] uh... Welcome! Michigan Girl : [offended] I'm from Michigan! |
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