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 Conan O'Brien Quotation"The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'" "If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk." "I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage. Movie Title: Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) as Freddy Pickering: Freddy Pickering : These friends of yours... do they have human genitalia? Andy : Um, yeah. I think so. Freddy Pickering : (With a wicked grin) Excellent! [Freddy is taking Andy and his friends to Rio de Janeiro] Keith : I just talked to the pilot. We're not flying to Rio. We're flying to Mississippi. Wendy : Mississippi, Brazil? Freddy Pickering : There must have been a misunderstanding. I'll go talk to him. [He walks to the emergency exit] Freddy Pickering : . Jessica : Uh, the cockpit's that way. Freddy Pickering : [As he opens the door] I'm going to sneak up on him! Jessica : I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Freddy Pickering : Well, at least she died doing what she loved... committing suicide. Freddy Pickering : Have you ever eaten a six-pound lobster off the chest of a seven-pound lobster? Freddy Pickering : Cotton candy? Jessica : Uh, no thanks. Freddy Pickering : I wasn't offering it to you. I was introducing you to it. Movie Title: Futurama (1999) as Conan O'Brien: Conan O'Brien : Listen, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012, but I have one thing you'll never have: A SOUL. Bender : [Scoffs] Pffft. Conan O'Brien : And freckles. Bender : [Cries] WAHHH. Movie Title: Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993) as Conan O'Brien: Conan O'Brien : Now as I mentioned in the monologue, or as I like to call it- quiet time... [after learning he can't jump out of a truck, and must only step out] Conan O'Brien : When will the government get off our backs, we're truckers' damnit. [quietly] Conan O'Brien : I wanna live. Conan O'Brien : Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. Yeah. So they decided to invite all the people who saw GIGLI. [discussing Zoltan Hargitay, brother of Mariska Hargitay] Conan O'Brien : Zoltar, you have greatly offended the Council of Nine. [Al Franken is talking about Rush Limbaugh] Al Franken : Rush has repeatedly said over the years that anyone who uses drugs illegaly should be prosecuted, and put away. So I know that Rush, when he gets out - we're praying for him, for his recovery - that when he gets out, he'll send an example by turning himself in, and asking for the longest sentence possible... Conan O'Brien : Demanding. I'm sure he'll do that. Al Franken : And demanding the most dangerous prison, where hopefully he'll have some African-American cellmates, who heard about Donovan McNabb. Conan O'Brien : Keep it cool my babies! Conan O'Brien : All this horseback riding has made me hungry, but not for food! Conan O'Brien : People of Quebec: I am an albino jackass. George W. Bush "Lips": Conan, I once had a bad experience with same-sex marriage. When I was a kid, I once caught my daddy in bed with a George Washington impersonator. Conan O'Brien : Uh, Mr. President, that wasn't a George Washington impersonator, that was your mother. George W. Bush "Lips": Conan, you're a liar! Everybody knows my mother looks like the Quaker Oats guy. Conan O'Brien : [about lizard] He tried to bite me! Animal Expert: I forgot to mention... he bites. Conan O'Brien : You're an ass. Conan O'Brien : My producer says no, but I'm doing it anyway, because it's "Late Night with..." who? Conan O'Brien : If you were going to fill lake Ontario with chicken broth, how much chicken broth would you need?... That's a trick question. Why would anyone do that? You are doing very well here sir. Conan O'Brien : What is this, sir? Man: A little snow and ice. Conan O'Brien : A little snow and ice? Do you think Canada needs MORE snow and ice? I don't think so! Conan O'Brien : I should come to rehearsals. I would have taken that one out. But I'm sleeping. Conan O'Brien : My impressions are weird and useless. Conan O'Brien : If the C-man's not happy, show don't go down! Conan O'Brien : 'I'm sensitive in the eyeball'. Does that line work with the ladies? Jeff Goldblum: I just noticed from your waist there... you're speckled all over. Conan O'Brien : Almost, Jeff Goldblum. Almost. Ethan Hawke : My daughter asked me why, when we're walking down the street together, people who walk by us say "Training Day". Conan O'Brien : Yeah, my daughter asked me, "Daddy, why do people walk by us and say, 'That guy's not funny?'" Conan O'Brien : Intelligence reports say that Osama bin Laden's personal physician has been successfully captured. Right now, the Army is also attempting to capture his dentist and his Pilates instructor. Conan O'Brien : I could listen to Gandhi say, "Oh, snap!" for hours. Arnold Schwarzenegger "Lips": Mein Führer! I could never have your skills! I've disappointed you, mein Führer! Conan O'Brien : Arnold, are you having a bad trip? Arnold Schwarzenegger "Lips": No, it's a good trip. Conan O'Brien : So, you called Cruz Bustamante and agreed that it was a fair election? That was very professional of you, Governor. Arnold Schwarzenegger "Lips": Ya! Zen I called him a fat little chipmunk! I said he should change his name to Lose Bustyourpantski, zen I had sex with his mother! Conan O'Brien : What? Arnold Schwarzenegger "Lips": Ya! Conan O'Brien : What made you go down to Chinatown? Harland Williams : I just love it. I love "culture", man. Daddy digs a little sweet 'n' sour culture. Conan O'Brien : We got a good show tonight. Right, Max? Bandleader : Absolutely, Conan. Conan O'Brien : Not a sincere bone in his body. Conan O'Brien : ...whoever replaces Ruben Studdard has some pretty big pants to fill. Now... [pause] Conan O'Brien : Big fat man. Now... But wonderful voice, wonderful voice... [small pause] Conan O'Brien : Fat. Conan O'Brien : Now, I am fascinated by celebrities. I mean, they're smart, they're good-looking, they're successful... [gesturing to himself] Conan O'Brien : Sometimes all three, mama! Conan O'Brien : I'm 62 years old. Conan O'Brien : [mocking a crowd response] Yay, illiteracy! [after uproarious applause] Conan O'Brien : Calm down, people. The show's just not that good. [after Uma Thurman tells him that she sometimes eats in the nude] Conan O'Brien : I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's. |
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